Amaraya Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 I am asking because it is something I've been curious about. I am not married but am in a long committed relationship with my boyfriend. There is no concern he may be having an affair (emotional or otherwise) but I am thinking about what I would feel ok about and what would bother me. So what is crossing the line into "emotional affair" territory? What is the difference between having a close friend and an emotional affair? Is it different for each couple? Is it something you had to have discussed beforehand to know the boundaries or is it self-explanatory? Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Ebelskiver Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 An emotional affair is where you are sharing things with another person that you would normally only share with your partner. Intimate details of your relationship troubles, sexual fantasies, etc. Maybe you have have developed feelings for this person. You haven't crossed a physical line, but the stuff you talk about, and the energy you share with that person would not be something you'd do if your partner was in the same room. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 What constitutes an "emotional affair"? Non-sexual intimacy which one's spouse or partner disapproves of. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Non-sexual intimacy which one's spouse or partner disapproves of. So you believe that it is defined by the partner's feelings rather than by what's going on between the two people? Interesting. What if the partner is just the jealous type and disapproves of opposite sex friendships generally–– does that mean that talking about a new restaurant in town constitutes an emotional affair? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 It's a fine line but when one person routinely puts a friend's needs & feelings above their partner's and more often then not spends time talking to & confiding in the opposite sex friend than their partner, it's a problem. I think the repeated aspects are important. For example, when my father died, my husband was out of state & unable to come home due to a weather state of emergency that crippled transportation on the East Coast. A number of friends, male & female, gathered around me to sit with me, hug me, & try to comfort me. I wasn't having an emotional affair with any of them because it was a situational thing. If once my husband came home for the next several months if I ignored him in favor of them, I may have crossed the line. Do you see the difference? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 (edited) An emotional affair is where you are sharing things with another person that you would normally only share with your partner. Intimate details of your relationship troubles, sexual fantasies, etc. Maybe you have have developed feelings for this person. You haven't crossed a physical line, but the stuff you talk about, and the energy you share with that person would not be something you'd do if your partner was in the same room. Pretty much. To be honest, I find it puzzling when others are confused about what an emotional affair is or act like no such thing exists, where the only way to evaluate an inappropriate relationship is if genitals have come in contact, and I'm like wait...are you serious? We ALL have liked someone, had a crush, know the feeling we get when we like someone romantically, the kinds of things we share, the energy we put into them, the way we think about them, etc. WELL BEFORE we ever sleep with them. It's not like one doesn't realize one has feelings for someone until you're in bed...it's the MANY feelings and actions we feel and do before we end up in bed that make it a case of romantic interest and not platonic friendship. If you're feeling this way about a "friend" and you're in a relationship and you're investing emotionally in them the way you would a SO/someone you're getting to know romantically you know it! If what you and they are doing is something you lie to your SO about, downplay or omit...clue. If your SO was doing it and you'd be upset or suspicious...clue. My roommate right now for example is walking on dangerous ground but keeps lying to herself (because she's not fooling me ). She has a bf, they are currently LD because she's in school, she has some other guy she met in school as a "friend", they text constantly which okay fine friends do that but 24/7, day and night, if she doesn't respond he freaks out and calls her, she's constantly dissecting his messages to her, they're always going on these one on one outings and she never dresses up normally even when we go out, yet when it's him she's all dolled up, he sleeps over sometimes, she went to his house yesterday and cooked for him and spent the night and all the while she's saying they are just friends. But she's never told her bf the extent of their sleepover friendship. Today she came home after being at his house since 7pm last night and says she thinks they are having an affair and he has admitted to liking her while they were in bed I'm like YAH THINK??!!! She adds the classic line though "We haven't crossed the line though...but I'm going to cut it off." That is, she thinks no sex makes it all okay. Edited February 1, 2015 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 So you believe that it is defined by the partner's feelings rather than by what's going on between the two people? Interesting. What if the partner is just the jealous type and disapproves of opposite sex friendships generally–– does that mean that talking about a new restaurant in town constitutes an emotional affair? If you believe that talking about restaurants is non-sexual intimacy, then sure. It all boils down to the individuals. If I were with an individual who felt talking about restaurants was intimacy, then I wouldn't be with that individual. However, OTOH, a friend's daughter talking about her husband's performance in bed and flirting with me in a restaurant, along with other acts or words, definitely broaches my EA meter. I simply cover the PG-rated stuff here but have experienced the gamut with MW's over the decades. In my generation, in general, women have expressed that if there's no dickinsider, there's no affair. I guess that works for them, again going back to the individuals involved. Would, in the example, the husband like to hear from me as I give him a hug that I'm sorry his dick isn't working and hope he can get some help for that? After all, I'm being supportive, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 An emotional affair is where you are sharing things with another person that you would normally only share with your partner. Intimate details of your relationship troubles, sexual fantasies, etc. Maybe you have have developed feelings for this person. You haven't crossed a physical line, but the stuff you talk about, and the energy you share with that person would not be something you'd do if your partner was in the same room. Unfortunately I've known a lot of girls that would discuss "intimate" details even in public. Things have changed so much with how familiar people get with people they barely know. It really is amazing sometimes how many people don't understand inappropriate behaviours. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 For starters, secrecy and priorities. If you would be uncomfortable with your partner witnessing whatever it is you're doing with this other person, chances are you've crossed the line. If you prioritize meeting with this person or your chats with this "friend" over your SO, chances are you're crossing the line. If you wonder about your behavior or feel a need to provide proactive disclaimers to your friends or others, chances are it's not entirely copacetic. It's a gestalt. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck, chances are it is a duck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 If you believe that talking about restaurants is non-sexual intimacy, then sure. It all boils down to the individuals. If I were with an individual who felt talking about restaurants was intimacy, then I wouldn't be with that individual. However, OTOH, a friend's daughter talking about her husband's performance in bed and flirting with me in a restaurant, along with other acts or words, definitely broaches my EA meter. I simply cover the PG-rated stuff here but have experienced the gamut with MW's over the decades. In my generation, in general, women have expressed that if there's no dickinsider, there's no affair. I guess that works for them, again going back to the individuals involved. Would, in the example, the husband like to hear from me as I give him a hug that I'm sorry his dick isn't working and hope he can get some help for that? After all, I'm being supportive, right? All I'm saying is that I don't believe an emotional affair is defined by a spouse's feelings. There is a difference between platonic opposite sex friendships and emotional affairs that a spouse who is predisposed to jealousy may not discern. Off the top of my head my definition would be something along the lines of, a pattern of sharing and emotional support involving disclosure of feelings and personal details which goes beyond the boundaries of platonic friendship. Of course I am also one of an apparent minority here on LS who believe that infidelity necessarily involves actual sexual contact. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 everyone pretty much covered it for you, i'd just add that a majority of these emotional relationships come from the workplace or from school. places where we spend tons of time daily, because you can lunch together, coffee break together, study together, etc. and it's very easy to start sharing intimacies - daily - with people who are not your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Of course I am also one of an apparent minority here on LS who believe that infidelity necessarily involves actual sexual contact. I think that an "emotional affair" is the start down a slippery slope. However, I would not bust up a marriage over it, like I would a physical affair. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I think that an "emotional affair" is the start down a slippery slope. However, I would not bust up a marriage over it, like I would a physical affair. Isn't an affair whether emotional or physical a breach of the relationship, a betrayal. How would you feel if your husband was texting her day and night? How would you feel if she knew more about your marriage than you do? How would you feel if when he got his promotion she was the first to know? How would you feel when his mother died, he told her first and he cried on her shoulder? How much would you be prepared to tolerate? Or is cheating for you, just all about the dick? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I certainly wouldn't be happy about it but I'd talk to my husband & try to work it out, get MC or something. I wouldn't run to lawyer straight away like I may be tempted to do if I learned of a physical affair. Actually if my husband who doesn't talk, found ANYBODY to open up to, I'd probably ask them what their secret was. Link to post Share on other sites
angel.eyes Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Everyone is going to have different boundaries.The key is to have agreement and shared understanding with your partner about where those lie for you as a couple. The details of the situation also matter. So do your views on marriage itself. Some people walk away at the first sign of trouble. Others will attempt to work through a challenge and salvage the marriage. Commitment means different things to different people. Some marriages survive infidelity and become stronger. Others collapse following the betrayal. Every relationship is different. Finally, no one really knows how he (or she) will react until he actually finds himself in the situation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 It really does depend on the person and spouse. I know couples who have no problem with their spouse's best friend being of the opposite sex (which I think is a terrible idea). But I know of at least one man who spent 2 years whining about 2 emails his W sent to someone she'd been to high school with and dated that were basically "How are you doing? I'm sorry I was so mean." (which I think is pathetic). Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 Of course I am also one of an apparent minority here on LS who believe that infidelity necessarily involves actual sexual contact. Your opinion would align with the vast majority of MW's I've met over the decades. However, any of the husbands who threatened to kill me apparently felt differently. Using your parameters, I've never had an affair of any sort and my exW was completely in the wrong for divorcing me for such causes. I can get behind that and clear my conscience today! This dichotomy of feeling and opinion underscores how the definition and dynamics of what an emotional affair constitutes is unique to each couple. One couple's 'fun' is another couple's 'affair', etc, etc. The couple decides. If there is a dichotomy of opinion and, like you mentioned, other issues in play like jealousy, etc, those issues are worked as well. The couple finds the answer for themselves. Our answer was divorce as my exW wouldn't tolerate intimacy with another woman in our M. Personally, I think she was dead right but that's just my opinion. The dynamic might have worked for another couple. It happens every day. Link to post Share on other sites
Broom Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Sharing intimate details, emotional bonding. If you start feeling euphoric/excited when you talk to them and disappointed/sad if they're not around or not replying. You have invested and based a little (or a lot) of your emotional welfare in someone else that isn't your BF/GF or spouse. And then it can snowball from there. Like someone said, these things are tied up in the thought process and emotions before you actually end up doing the deed. The connection and attraction is brewing. Link to post Share on other sites
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