Best friend or Boyfriend?

[bubba2013]

Hi so I'm a 17 year old girl and I really like this guy I know and am friends with him (he is also 17 and we have known each other for about a year and a half). I'm not really good at the whole "knowing if someone likes me" as I have never liked anyone up until this guy and I'm not sure if he likes me as a friend or something more, he has just been sending a bunch of mixed signals.

 

So to start with the detail of why I'm confused; so this guy has asked me to hang out with him 40+ times in the last about 8 months or so and almost always excepts when I ask him and if he can't he tries to re schedule, he has asked me to do things go for coffee, ice cream, lunch, to movies, skating, on walks and to summer fairs (he hardly ever pays for me (I don't mind though)he has bought me ice cream and coffee before though) when I told him I liked him he just said "I like you as a really good friend and I hope that doesn't hurt your feelings but you are a really fun caring and loving person and are lot of fun to hang out with I just don't want to date in high school". This was about a year ago or so but since then 4 other girls have told them that they like him and he always says he doesn't like them back and stops talking to them altogether, I'm the only one he still talks to and hangs out with.

 

He also gives me other signals like he asks to be my group partner instead of asking his friends, he'll put his hand on my arm/shoulder or he'll bump my leg with his or poke me or bump me with his arm. Always moves his chair so he can sit beside me and is constantly talking to me sometimes even about the randomest things. He always compliments me and looks out for me as well as makes fun of me about my height and stuff and when he compliments me it's about my intellect or how responsible and caring I am and so on he even once said I would make a great wife and whoever gets to marry me would be one lucky man.

 

Lately though he as been acting even more as if he likes me. My "best friend" and her boyfriend have been relentlessly bullying me over the last few months and he always stands up to them and "protects" me from it. For example they had vandalized my car several times and he goes out about every hour to check to make sure nothing has happened, even though it is almost 10 minutes out of his way. Then the other day we were sitting together talking and my "friend" and her boyfriend came over and sat near us. They started talking about us and I said to him "why are you so nice to me? All I'm doing is dragging you down with my sinking ship and now they are starting to talk about you too". He said "I don't care what they say about me as long as the leave you alone, besides I was being an *** towards you before. Why don't we go walk around, you don't need to hear what kind of **** they are saying about you". So as we were walking around he kept looking around making sure they weren't following me. Then we passed these pictures on the wall, some were of hearts and he pointed at the hearts, looked at me, smiled and said "these ones or my favorite, they are relatable to life".

 

Also yesterday I was talking to him and was smiling and he said "it us so nice to see you smile. It has been along time since I have seen you smile, genuinely at least, and you have such a pretty smile". Then today I was talking to the school counselor about being bullied and he walked with me there, sat down and waited for over an hour. Well I was talking then when I came out of the office I was crying and he looked at me then hugged me and said "I should have gone in there with you, it isn't fair for you to have to deal with this by yourself". Then after I finished crying I said "I would have liked you there, but it isn't you battle to fight and last thing I need is for them to bug you too". He just said "can I just beat them up already? I hate seeing what they have done to you, it isn't fair to you".

 

He also came over to my house today to watch a movie. Where we were watching the movie there were two couches, so we were both sitting on different couches. Anyway, I got up to stir a pot of soup and asked if he wanted a drink/ He said yeah, so I grabbed him one and sat down again. Then about 10 minutes later he asked if he could have another drink. I said yeah he could and I could grab it for him, but he said no he could grab it . So after he grabbed it, he came and sat down beside me. He kept bumping my leg with his hand and smiling. When he left I was cleaning up and picked up the first can of pop I had given him... It still had pop in it!! He got up to get "another drink" just so he had a reason to sit beside me.

 

The whole school and all the teachers seem to like me. A few weeks ago someone asked if he was going to ask me to grad. He turned away all shy and red and said "nevermind" then looked down. I also know he just doesn't want to date in high school.

 

Does he like me as more than a friend?? Is he just waiting till after school or am I just a friend?

Edited February 1, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs.

[preraph]

Is he gay? Do his parents forbid him from dating in high school or on religious grounds (like they will decide who he marries)? This thing about him not wanting to date to me unless it's cultural, he's gay. He's old enough to want to date. He may be gay and not know it yet though. Does he ever act particularly interested in any guys?

[TigerLilly78]

Next time try to break up your text so its a little easier to read that was quite a wall of words..lol but back on subject hes sending out some really confusing mixed signals! but it could also just be he really likes you as best friend this one can go ether way.

 

You could let it go and let time reveal all or if its really bothering you confront him and ask him about the mixed signals just make sure he realizes if its honestly just friends your fine with that so he doesn't feel pressured and run..

[bubba2013]

No I am pretty sure he is not gay, he has dated in the past, and his parents tell him if he doesn't do something soon he may lose me (told this to a mutual friend who told me. Also he says he just doesn't want to date in high school because it is to much drama (i understand where he is coming from with this especially in our school) and I don't want to force him into anything I just want to know where we stand, so if he wants to be friends I can move on and if he wants to date, just not in school I don't mind waiting.

[preraph]

Well, I still think he could be gay. Nearly all gay guys dated girls in high school that I knew. One was the homecoming queen's date. They just aren't sure of themselves yet and keep doing what they think everyone expects, and clearly his mother is pressuring him, and that could be because she doesn't want him to be gay and secretly thinks he might be.

 

The other alternative is that he just doesn't really feel that way about you, sees you more as a pal. You seem close. Why don't you ask him just kind of in an offhand way if he ever thinks guys are attractive. I've been the first person to broach that subject with a couple of young guys and they are more relieved than alarmed. Or find some way to comment positively about some gay guys so he knows you'd be accepting in case he wants to talk. You can do that without him thinking it's about himself. I'm sorry, but his story about not wanting to date in high school just sounds too contrived. I don't believe it. Explore that a bit more with him and see if there's any more to it. Be clear you love him no matter what so he feels you will be accepting of whatever is going on. It could even be he had an instance of childhood molestation or something serious like that. One of my old BFs who wasn't sexing it up with me 10 years later finally told me that was what messed him up. Keep us in the loop! You both sound like good people.

[bubba2013]

So, he knows that I am open towards all sexualities, he has known that since we became friends. I asked him today why he didn't want to date in high school and he said "I think it is to much drama if you put a lable on dating it is just better to hang out and get to know eachother as much as possible before you deside to lable it as official". Also another reason he is shy around girls is because in junior high he was dating a girl who broke up with him just because she didn't want to deal with his emotions from some family problems he was having, when I asked him about this he just said he wants to get to know his next girlfriend before they date to make sure she won't to somthing like that to him. And no he doesn't seem to be "overwhelmingly involved with guys" to be honest he is never around guys he is always around me and talking to me, even gets up and leaves his group of friends to comeover to talk, although I do see where you get the "possibly he is gay" from (believe me I have had the thought to) I just don't think he is, he just doesn't show any of the potential signs of it.

[elaine567]

"I think it is to much drama if you put a lable on dating it is just better to hang out and get to know eachother as much as possible before you deside to lable it as official"

 

He has told you clearly he is not going to date in high school.

I would start looking around for other guys to date. Jealousy may spur him into action, or he may be cool with it.

You will then have your answer.

[preraph]

Is he expecting you to not date other guys? That wouldn't be fair if he won't even call what he's doing with you dating or having a girlfriend. I once when I was older hung out for 4 years with a young gay guy who couldn't face his sexuality (any sexuality, much less that he was gay). There was no sex, but we saw each other regularly just like dating. I knew he was gay but he couldn't face it. And even though there was nothing physical between us, he got very hurt when I saw an old casual bf who came to town. I didn't try to hide it from him because obviously I was a grown woman dating a gay guy, so I never dreamed it would even bother him, but it did. So you can certainly get all kinds of mixed signals. That guy used to want back rubs and laying in my lap and things, but it never went any further, not even a kiss. I think he was very repressed for whatever reason. He had nightmares about me that he was going to hell and stuff. So being gay and facing that was insurmountable for him, I guess.

 

I guess you can ask him if you and he are dating other people or whether he considers this an exclusive relationship. I mean, he says he doesn't want a relationship, but obviously he HAS one with you. I get that that can drive you up the wall. I think you ought to talk frankly with him about that. "You say you don't want a relationship, so does that mean we are both free to date other people?" I mean, you have a right to test his limits on that.

[bubba2013]

Thanks for the insight, I do talk to other guys (not often though, not really a very social person) and he does seem to get slightly jealous of it. And I'm not really into the whole "dating around" to push peoples limits although I do see how that could work, but I feel like we kind of have a non verbal mutual agreement not to talk to other guys or girls, we kind of just stick to ourselfs and eachother mostly because we are both kind shy. I think I may just ask him when I see him tomorrow where we stand, like if he is just waiting till after school, cool I don't mind I'll wait and if he doesn't want to date tell me so I can get over it either way I don't care I wish he would just tell me.

[bubba2013]

Okay so a quick update, I asked him what "we are" (relationship wise) are you friends, not officially dating or what and he said "I do like you and would date you but I wouldn't be able to handle braking up with you and losing you as a friend". One of my friends then said "well at least wait till summer to see how things are then make up your mind, I mean you guys are practically dating just not calling it dating" and he said "yeah I guess we can wait and see how it works out, I just don't want to brake up and lose you forever"

[preraph]

Well, now something is making him say he's afraid he'll break up and lose you. You've got to find out if he's afraid he's not all in and will break up and make you mad and lose you as a friend or if he fears you will get sick of him and break up with him. Just ask him that. Because it's dangerously close to the old "I don't want to hurt you," which means they're not planning on staying with you.

[bubba2013]

I asked him that and he said "I feel like your "friends" (referring to the drama they have caused and causing) would try to turn us against eachother if we were to start dating, at least in school, and if that would happen I feel like I would lose you as a girlfriend and a friend forever"