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Is infidelity the worst thing?


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From what I read on LS, it seems infidelity is the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. But is it?

 

A good friend of mine was physically abused by her now x-husband. The mental scars left are taking years to heal. One of the many hurdles she is dealing with is a major trust issue with men.

 

Another good friend was touched by infidelity when she was engaged. It took a long time but they reconciled and married. Now, 20 years later, they are divorced. Not because of the infidelity but because of other issues such as he was a control freak, had no respect for her and played mind games. In the end, she decided enough was enough.

 

I asked her which hurt more, the infidelity or the mental mind games. Her answer was very interesting. The infidelity hurt more because it happened when she was madly in love with him. The mental abuse was gradual, and it caused her to fall out of love with him.

 

 

So my question: Is infidelity really the worst thing that one partner can inflict on the other?

 

Or does it just hurt so much because it is sudden and unexpected?

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Infidilty is the worst thing that happened in my marriage and many others who post here. What is the "worst thing" is a personal perspective and not something that is universal. I would say it is safe to consider infidelity one of the worst things to happen to someone in a marriage.

 

My mother has a friend who is in the process of divorcing her husband. He had cheated on her quite a few years ago and she forgave him. But his physically abusive tendencies that cropped up now and again and each time a little more threatening were what ended the marriage. He shoved her to the ground and kicked her. She realized she was not safe with him. It was farther than he had ever gone. To her his short affair that ended badly was not the worst thing in the marriage. It was the violence. But someone else may find it the opposite.

 

But just because worse things can happen to a person (because there pretty much is always something worse) doesn't make what did happen any less painful. If someone has a child die you don't tell them at least it was only one child.

 

The best bet is to not habitually break any of your vows. Then you won't even be able to think about any things done that could be labled "the worst"

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For me it was. But I will admit I have had a fortunate life and have never suffered abuse, rape, the loss of a child or any other really traumatic things. As a couple we have had many run of the mill hard times but this was by far the hardest. It shook us to the core.

 

I think the fact that we had been together so long made it worse- it was like the ground disappearing from under me. The fact that it was so out of character made it more of a shock but it also made it possible to reconcile.

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Mrs. John Adams

It is the worst thing that has happened in my marriage. I do think we all handle situations and tragedies differently....we all process pain in our own way.

 

I have lived through sexual molestation as a child, I have endured the death of a grandchild, I have grieved the loss of my FIL and my MIL, I almost lost my daughter.

 

Each pain, hurt differently.....each left a vacant hole...a yearning that it had not happened....each lasts a lifetime.

 

But truly...the worst has been my infidelity.

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You'd be surprised how many people just go on despite infidelity (unless it's out in the open of course, then divorce is the preferred choice; dignity and all that). In both cases you mentioned though those cheaters turned out to be bad partners; I really hope this didn't surprise these women?

 

See, the point is that when infidelity happens, something is wrong. And if you just give in to crocodile tears and let the time go past, you'll have wasted a good portion of your lifetime. What more of a warning sign do people want, murder attempts?

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You'd be surprised how many people just go on despite infidelity (unless it's out in the open of course, then divorce is the preferred choice; dignity and all that). In both cases you mentioned though those cheaters turned out to be bad partners; I really hope this didn't surprise these women?

 

See, the point is that when infidelity happens, something is wrong. And if you just give in to crocodile tears and let the time go past, you'll have wasted a good portion of your lifetime. What more of a warning sign do people want, murder attempts?

 

So dignity only comes into play when it is out in the open? My dignity was intact before he cheated and still after when people knew. Your post implies to me that people only divorce to save face?

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From what I read on LS, it seems infidelity is the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. But is it?

 

A good friend of mine was physically abused by her now x-husband. The mental scars left are taking years to heal. One of the many hurdles she is dealing with is a major trust issue with men.

 

Another good friend was touched by infidelity when she was engaged. It took a long time but they reconciled and married. Now, 20 years later, they are divorced. Not because of the infidelity but because of other issues such as he was a control freak, had no respect for her and played mind games. In the end, she decided enough was enough.

 

I asked her which hurt more, the infidelity or the mental mind games. Her answer was very interesting. The infidelity hurt more because it happened when she was madly in love with him. The mental abuse was gradual, and it caused her to fall out of love with him.

 

 

So my question: Is infidelity really the worst thing that one partner can inflict on the other?

 

Or does it just hurt so much because it is sudden and unexpected?

 

 

 

It's not so black and white. I'm a liberal person, and believe in individual freedom. I've got friends and loved ones who have experienced prejudice for their sexual orientation. Two of my good friends, I've known since elementary school, are gay. I've marched with them, i've loved and supported their right to be who they are. They've always had my back, and I consider them a gift.

 

Infedelity is not about sex, it's about trust and being denied your own reality and your own voice. It's a form of abuse and it strikes your very core. It's a deep wound, it's a very hard thing to experience. Is it the end of the world?...no....

 

Emotinsl trauma leaves no visible scars, it's not like a broken leg or a gash that requires stitches. It's deeper than that.

 

The positive thing is that what doesn't break you... makes stronger. People need to grieve, it's only human to grieve. Grief is only one of many stages to get to the other side. Life is beautiful, and for many it takes some time to get there.

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From what I read on LS, it seems infidelity is the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. But is it?

 

 

Yes............

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I would think it definitely ranks right up there - it is the ultimate betrayal. I was in the wedding of a friend whose husband later pushed her down the stairs to induce a miscarriage. She will tell you THAT was the worst thing anyone can do. I think it depends on the person and what they have or have not been through. Finding out the person who vowed to love you and forsake all others didn't, and then lied about it, is pretty darn awful.

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Life tragedies within a marriage or while married is not the same as what infidelity does to a marriage.

 

If it is abuse over time there are options. You might not like the options or the abuse is so damaging you *feel* you don't have options but ultimately it's your choice to leave.

 

Infidelity is not a choice (for the BS). Some may think the WS was "forced" to step out of the marriage because their needs weren't being met by the BS. Regardless, the BS (unless an open marriage was discussed and agreed apon) was not given a choice. Their choice comes afterwards when the damage is done.

 

However, if given a choice to be abused or cheated on I would choose neither. Because I was given a *choice*.

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Originally Posted by wish-i-knew View Post

From what I read on LS, it seems infidelity is the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. But is it?

 

 

I would think most here (including myself)....yes it is the worst thing that can happen...

 

The Horror of D-DAY and as the lies..the patterns of deceit and as the Betrayal finally comes to you in a clear painful light...As waterwomen said "The ground opens up under you," it swallows you with a pain like no other...

 

As i have stated I have been to more sh%tholes in the world than i care to remember and have seen and done things no one should EVER have to see to take part in.....yes i was greatly affected by these events but i was never Betrayed by my brothers..They and I would have gladly died before we would have betrayed one another...

 

This sums it up for me in this quote.....

 

To me, the thing that is worse than death is betrayal. You see, I could conceive death, but I could not conceive betrayal.”

― Malcolm X

 

I looked at the world differently after D-DAY...Everything looked fractured ..Broken and pieced back together...Everything I know looked the same but then again it WAS different and I knew it would never go back like it was..and i mean Everything...

 

It has and never will look the same for me...

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To some, infidelity is the worst possible transgression.

 

For me, after a couple years, I saw it as a symptom of his gradual downward spiral. He cheated on me, in a huge, blow up and everyone sees kind of way. But once I tried to reconcile, he must have seen it as lack of respect for myself, because that's when ALL the physical abuse started. He hurt me over and over, threatened to kill me if I left.

 

He'd rattle car keys to remind me of when he promised to hit me with the car. He'd call his friends who could corroborate his "story" who would then come over and shake their head as he lay passed out on the floor from alcohol. Threatened any friend who would lend an ear as a cheater, for talking to a married woman. He eventually broke my bones in drunk rages.

 

Was infidelity the worst thing that could happen in a marriage, for us? No. The worst thing was trying to stay with him after.

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I do think it depends on the person. I would never presume to tell someone else what their heirarchy of pain "should" be, and I would hope they would not presume to do that to me.

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It's all about context. But yeah, romantically speaking, infidelity is the worst thing that could happen. It's not the worst thing in life obviously, but yeah when it comes to being with someone the worst thing you can do is cheat. Well, cheating comes after the more obvious things like physically abusing someone, etc.

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Life tragedies within a marriage or while married is not the same as what infidelity does to a marriage.

 

If it is abuse over time there are options. You might not like the options or the abuse is so damaging you *feel* you don't have options but ultimately it's your choice to leave.

 

Infidelity is not a choice (for the BS). Some may think the WS was "forced" to step out of the marriage because their needs weren't being met by the BS. Regardless, the BS (unless an open marriage was discussed and agreed apon) was not given a choice. Their choice comes afterwards when the damage is done.

 

However, if given a choice to be abused or cheated on I would choose neither. Because I was given a *choice*.

 

This is diminshing physical abuse and almost victim blaming the abused. Sometimes just like infidelity there are signs that the spouse is capable of physical abuse and sometimes, just like infidelity, the person doesn't choose to leave. Maybe they say they are imaging things, maybe they say it isn't that big of a deal. Somehow they make it okay or don't put the pieces together and then things progress and their self esteem and strength to leave has been literally knocked out of them. Or a sudden, unexpected violent reaction occurs. Or infidelity in those cases. Lookig back the signs are obvious but when in the situation they don't know.

 

Or there are the people who don't see it coming. Perhaps there partner is mentally ill and gets worse.

 

But involve trust. Just in different ways. And both have the same choice. And not always easy to do. Both cause deep phsycological damage. And one for sure causes physical and thr other can. Your partner becomes a cheater-you didn't choose that but you can choose to leave. Your partner becomes abusive-you didn't choose that but you can choose to leave.

 

Please don't say victims of abuse chose it.

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It's all about context. But yeah, romantically speaking, infidelity is the worst thing that could happen. It's not the worst thing in life obviously, but yeah when it comes to being with someone the worst thing you can do is cheat. Well, cheating comes after the more obvious things like physically abusing someone, etc.

 

Or attempting to murder your spouse or children. (Extreme violence) That is probably the worst thing that can be done to a marriage and one I'm glad isn't as common. Though sadly more than anyone likes.

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TrustedthenBusted
It's been the most difficult thing I've ever experienced, no question.

 

Same for me.

 

But as I look back some 5 years later, I'm almost embarrassed by that fact. I really let this shake me up. I was useless for a year. Sat in my office with the lights off for a YEAR without doing a stitch of work. Very traumatic.

 

 

Now I think I really gave it WAY too much power over me. A mistake I will not repeat.

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Or attempting to murder your spouse or children. (Extreme violence) That is probably the worst thing that can be done to a marriage and one I'm glad isn't as common. Though sadly more than anyone likes.

 

Sickeningly, I have actually heard a woman say that she would rather her child died than experience infidelity. Not very maternal if you asked me.

 

I agree with Spectre. It is definitely the worst romantic betrayal I can imagine.

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This is diminshing physical abuse and almost victim blaming the abused. Sometimes just like infidelity there are signs that the spouse is capable of physical abuse and sometimes, just like infidelity, the person doesn't choose to leave. Maybe they say they are imaging things, maybe they say it isn't that big of a deal. Somehow they make it okay or don't put the pieces together and then things progress and their self esteem and strength to leave has been literally knocked out of them. Or a sudden, unexpected violent reaction occurs. Or infidelity in those cases. Lookig back the signs are obvious but when in the situation they don't know.

 

Or there are the people who don't see it coming. Perhaps there partner is mentally ill and gets worse.

 

But involve trust. Just in different ways. And both have the same choice. And not always easy to do. Both cause deep phsycological damage. And one for sure causes physical and thr other can. Your partner becomes a cheater-you didn't choose that but you can choose to leave. Your partner becomes abusive-you didn't choose that but you can choose to leave.

 

Please don't say victims of abuse chose it.

 

I would never victim blame or say abuse is a "choice". I stated leaving the abuse is a choice. I also carefully chose words to empathize it's not just that easy.

 

At the end of my post I stated if I was given two "hypothetical" choices, abuse or cheated on. Neither would ever be presented in a real life scenario. Someone being asked if they want to be abused would almost most definitely answer no. That it is they have not already been conditioned in an already established abusive relationship.

 

I am VERY aware of what abuse is (currently in IC for it). I was fortunate to get out young but 20 years later I am still from time to time clouded by what I was conditioned to believe/think. For years I was disoriented in my thoughts and continued to welcome abuse in my life by various people. Approx.4 years ago I did a complete purge of all the abusive and toxic people in my life about the same time I chose NC with my abuser.

 

I made choices, for myself to be healthy.

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Sickeningly, I have actually heard a woman say that she would rather her child died than experience infidelity. Not very maternal if you asked me.

 

I agree with Spectre. It is definitely the worst romantic betrayal I can imagine.

 

But abuse is a romantic betrayal. It directly affects your marriage. Just like drifter added. It kills the romance. I think things that are done by the other spouse are things done to the marriage. Lying, abuse, cheating, growing distant and cold or cutting off sex are any other action that has a negative impact on the marriage. infidilty is often the sudden one and therefore has a sudden impact. And a devestating one. So it often gets labled the worst. But the others shouldn't be diminished (specially violence). And a lot of damage can be done to someone through other marriage betrayals too. Doesn't make infidelity better. Like I said I see infidelity as the worst thing I have done to my marriage. But there are other, devestating marriage betrayals.

 

As to that lady. If she is not suffering from the immediate aftermath of DDay I would say she is a very selfish and entitled person. To choose another person's death over cheating is a very selfish veiwpoint. And to choose the death of your child? That takes a special kind of mental issue.

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I would never victim blame or say abuse is a "choice". I stated leaving the abuse is a choice. I also carefully chose words to empathize it's not just that easy.

 

At the end of my post I stated if I was given two "hypothetical" choices, abuse or cheated on. Neither would ever be presented in a real life scenario. Someone being asked if they want to be abused would almost most definitely answer no. That it is they have not already been conditioned in an already established abusive relationship.

 

I am VERY aware of what abuse is (currently in IC for it). I was fortunate to get out young but 20 years later I am still from time to time clouded by what I was conditioned to believe/think. For years I was disoriented in my thoughts and continued to welcome abuse in my life by various people. Approx.4 years ago I did a complete purge of all the abusive and toxic people in my life about the same time I chose NC with my abuser.

 

I made choices, for myself to be healthy.

 

I was merely replying to your comment that infidelity wasn't a choice but abuse was. And maybe in your case it was. But it isn't always in every case. And just like infidelity when it happens the abused is often shocked and doesn't know what to do.

 

Both abuse and cheating or choices made by the abuser and cheater and inflicted on the BS (though in the case of infidelity it can be hidden and maybe even not discovered) and in both cases when it happens (and is discovered in the case of cheating) the onus to choose what to do lands on the BS and they then have to deal with their current situation and it rarely is as simple as just walking out the door. And it is unfair that they are put in this place by their spouse who chose to damage their spouse.

 

Even in the case of it happening over time that also happens with infidelity a lot. There are a lot of people who are with seriel cheaters or an ongoing affar. So just like abuse situations are varied so is infidelity.

 

Both an abused partner and a BS have the choice to leave. I don't see how you see it otherwise.

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I was merely replying to your comment that infidelity wasn't a choice but abuse was. And maybe in your case it was. But it isn't always in every case. And just like infidelity when it happens the abused is often shocked and doesn't know what to do.

 

Both abuse and cheating or choices made by the abuser and cheater and inflicted on the BS (though in the case of infidelity it can be hidden and maybe even not discovered) and in both cases when it happens (and is discovered in the case of cheating) the onus to choose what to do lands on the BS and they then have to deal with their current situation and it rarely is as simple as just walking out the door. And it is unfair that they are put in this place by their spouse who chose to damage their spouse.

 

I agree, both infidelity and/or abuse is a choice made only by the abuser and/or cheater.

 

We are only given the choice after the damage is done, to leave or to stay with the abuser and/or cheater.

 

Most definitely cheaters and abuse are placed as one in the same category heading: Abuser

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Death is a pretty horrific thing to happen in a M.

 

Betrayal of trust is right up there, to be sure. That can occur in many ways without penises and vaginas being in play, or even another person being involved.

 

Infidelity and any deceptions attendant to it are, for many, an experience more painful than death. For those people, I would opine infidelity is indeed the worst thing that could happen in their marriage. Their holocaust.

 

It depends on the people.

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