Complex and frustrating situation

[figuringitout2015]

Try to keep it short and skinny...

 

I dated a girl for a little over 5 years, got totally blindsided and dumped. Fell into a depression with anxiety. Vowed I would spend a long time getting healthy mentally and emotionally. Had a couple one nighters to clear my mind, and then accidentally stumbled across a girl who made me forget about my ex and made me happy a few months after the breakup. We had more in common than I've ever had with even some of my guy friends. So we started dating.

 

We got closer and closer. All of our major hobbies are the same (sometimes too similar). She cared/cares for me in a way that is so much less selfish than anyone I had been with. I had my days of missing the ex and having a hard time dealing with the emotional changes, but still knew that she cheated and dumped me so she didn't regard me as highly as I did her obviously, and she began to date someone who in hindsight is a much better fit for her than I am. Anyway, one thing leads to another and I got my new girlfriend pregnant, roughly half of a year into our relationship. Suddenly, my thoughts of dealing with overcoming my ex changed, and I just have become completely emotionally numb. I mean, some things about the new girl have started to bother me, but when Im honest with myself, theres going to be something about everyone that bother me. And I know that deep down I'm taking my emotional numbness out on my current pregnant girlfriend.

 

We didn't think she would actually get pregnant, and I'm in my mid twenties and finishing up graduate school, so it's not like I can't handle it. It is just incredibly hard to feel anything towards the new baby on the way, my girlfriend, basically everything. And no need to pull the "suck it up you messed up", trust me I've already embraced the fact that at the very least I'm responsible for being the father of this child and I want to be a part of its life. I'm just incredibly frustrated as to why my mind and heart are doing this. I've formulated some guesses as to whats going on, I'm either still that depressed, or I've completely gotten over my ex and my feelings in general are kinda shot. All of this has begun to affect my self worth and my well being in day to day life. Basically within a year I've been dumped, cheated on, met someone else, got them pregnant, and am about to graduate grad school and start student loans while looking to start real life. So my plate feels like it's overloaded right now. I've started seeing a therapist just to kinda talk it out with them. But still, does anyone have any experience with a situation like this, and what did they do? Thanks for reading..

[Jmmg35]

Try to keep it short and skinny...

 

I dated a girl for a little over 5 years, got totally blindsided and dumped. Fell into a depression with anxiety. Vowed I would spend a long time getting healthy mentally and emotionally. Had a couple one nighters to clear my mind, and then accidentally stumbled across a girl who made me forget about my ex and made me happy a few months after the breakup. We had more in common than I've ever had with even some of my guy friends. So we started dating.

 

We got closer and closer. All of our major hobbies are the same (sometimes too similar). She cared/cares for me in a way that is so much less selfish than anyone I had been with. I had my days of missing the ex and having a hard time dealing with the emotional changes, but still knew that she cheated and dumped me so she didn't regard me as highly as I did her obviously, and she began to date someone who in hindsight is a much better fit for her than I am. Anyway, one thing leads to another and I got my new girlfriend pregnant, roughly half of a year into our relationship. Suddenly, my thoughts of dealing with overcoming my ex changed, and I just have become completely emotionally numb. I mean, some things about the new girl have started to bother me, but when Im honest with myself, theres going to be something about everyone that bother me. And I know that deep down I'm taking my emotional numbness out on my current pregnant girlfriend.

 

We didn't think she would actually get pregnant, and I'm in my mid twenties and finishing up graduate school, so it's not like I can't handle it. It is just incredibly hard to feel anything towards the new baby on the way, my girlfriend, basically everything. And no need to pull the "suck it up you messed up", trust me I've already embraced the fact that at the very least I'm responsible for being the father of this child and I want to be a part of its life. I'm just incredibly frustrated as to why my mind and heart are doing this. I've formulated some guesses as to whats going on, I'm either still that depressed, or I've completely gotten over my ex and my feelings in general are kinda shot. All of this has begun to affect my self worth and my well being in day to day life. Basically within a year I've been dumped, cheated on, met someone else, got them pregnant, and am about to graduate grad school and start student loans while looking to start real life. So my plate feels like it's overloaded right now. I've started seeing a therapist just to kinda talk it out with them. But still, does anyone have any experience with a situation like this, and what did they do? Thanks for reading..

 

Man, english is my second language. But i think you were into a "rollover" relationship . I dont know if is this the english term for the relationship that you get into after a break up for lesser the pain. When i divorced i was warned and avoided this type of rollover relationships. I waited 2 or 3 years before get into another relationship. I wish you luck. No matter what a kid is a blessing for god and maybe he/she will change your life for good.

[figuringitout2015]

Man, english is my second language. But i think you were into a "rollover" relationship . I dont know if is this the english term for the relationship that you get into after a break up for lesser the pain. When i divorced i was warned and avoided this type of rollover relationships. I waited 2 or 3 years before get into another relationship. I wish you luck. No matter what a kid is a blessing for god and maybe he/she will change your life for good.

 

See, I kinda see what you're saying, but what frustrates me is that I had a couple flings before this one who I had absolutely no desire to progress with whatsoever and got sick of within a week, whereas the one I actually decided to get into a relationship I felt so strongly about that I decided to take a chance. You're right in terms of not waiting long enough, totally agree, but the difference is is that I felt something when I met this girl that I'm not sure I've ever felt before in my life and that's why I'd decided to try it. And you're right about the baby, I'm just trying to sort my feelings out because I want the baby and her to be my family, but I just have so much in my life and so many emotions that I almost feel emotionless, if that makes sense.

[preraph]

I can't form an answer without getting on you about not using birth control. This was the only reasonable outcome of having sex without her being on pills or you using a condom. Time to stop thinking about your past problems and your present problems and start hustling and working on your career and taking a parenting class to get ready to step up and be this child's father and provider. You don't have to marry her. But you will always have to support this child and strive to maintain a friendly relationship with her so the child has pleasant parents to model after.

[figuringitout2015]

I can't form an answer without getting on you about not using birth control. This was the only reasonable outcome of having sex without her being on pills or you using a condom. Time to stop thinking about your past problems and your present problems and start hustling and working on your career and taking a parenting class to get ready to step up and be this child's father and provider. You don't have to marry her. But you will always have to support this child and strive to maintain a friendly relationship with her so the child has pleasant parents to model after.

 

Nope, it was a freak accident. I mean we had talked about having kids in the future but it actually happening was totally an accident, we used protection. And I said before in the article I am fully prepared to be the father in terms of accepting the responsibility I'm not immature enough to run from the situation entirely. But at one point, and at times now, I could see myself spending my life with her. She's definitely my best friend, I just am feeling strange in a ton of ways emotionally in terms of romantic relationships.

Edited January 27, 2015 by figuringitout2015

[Quiet Storm]

A lot of people emotionally detach when they become overwhelmed. We learn to do this in childhood, when our emotions or feelings are too much for our immature minds deal with. It's a way for kids to escape things like arguing parents, mean siblings, bullies, neglect, etc. However, it can become a default way of coping and cause problems in adulthood. It can keep you stuck in limbo, affect your relationships with your loved ones, and keep you from feeling happiness. Going into detached mode doesn't only reduce negative feelings like anxiety and frustration, it numbs out happy feelings, too, like joy and love.

 

I suspect you are in detached mode because you don't really have the tools to cope with all the changes in your life. It is easier to just "deal with it later" and avoid worrying, instead of navigating your life, emotionally supporting your pregnant girlfriend and preparing for fatherhood. Even though you are an adult now, you brain is still defaulting to an immature way of coping with life's changes, problems, stress and disappointments.

 

It's good that you are in counseling, because they can really help bring those buried feelings out, and they can help you cope and manage those feelings in a healthy way. Be honest with your counselor and tell them you need help identifying your feelings and coping with those feelings. They should be able to give you "homework" where you begin to apply what you've learned in real life. It is a process and won't be an overnight fix. You have to commit and really want to change, or else counseling will just become another stress in your life instead of providing the guidance that you are looking for.

 

As you are working on yourself, it's important that you also have space in your mind and heart for your partner and new baby. Be careful that your desire for self improvement doesn't result in self absorption, at the expense of your GF and child. Doing nice things for our loved ones, showing them care and concern, being helpful... those things can spark happiness. Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. So pushing yourself to do loving things, even if you aren't 100% into it, can help to jumpstart the genuine and happy emotions you seek.

[figuringitout2015]

A lot of people emotionally detach when they become overwhelmed. We learn to do this in childhood, when our emotions or feelings are too much for our immature minds deal with. It's a way for kids to escape things like arguing parents, mean siblings, bullies, neglect, etc. However, it can become a default way of coping and cause problems in adulthood. It can keep you stuck in limbo, affect your relationships with your loved ones, and keep you from feeling happiness. Going into detached mode doesn't only reduce negative feelings like anxiety and frustration, it numbs out happy feelings, too, like joy and love.

 

I suspect you are in detached mode because you don't really have the tools to cope with all the changes in your life. It is easier to just "deal with it later" and avoid worrying, instead of navigating your life, emotionally supporting your pregnant girlfriend and preparing for fatherhood. Even though you are an adult now, you brain is still defaulting to an immature way of coping with life's changes, problems, stress and disappointments.

 

It's good that you are in counseling, because they can really help bring those buried feelings out, and they can help you cope and manage those feelings in a healthy way. Be honest with your counselor and tell them you need help identifying your feelings and coping with those feelings. They should be able to give you "homework" where you begin to apply what you've learned in real life. It is a process and won't be an overnight fix. You have to commit and really want to change, or else counseling will just become another stress in your life instead of providing the guidance that you are looking for.

 

As you are working on yourself, it's important that you also have space in your mind and heart for your partner and new baby. Be careful that your desire for self improvement doesn't result in self absorption, at the expense of your GF and child. Doing nice things for our loved ones, showing them care and concern, being helpful... those things can spark happiness. Love isn't just a feeling, it's an action. So pushing yourself to do loving things, even if you aren't 100% into it, can help to jumpstart the genuine and happy emotions you seek.

 

Thank you so much for that post. Pretty sure you just hit the nail on the head.

[salparadise]

A lot of people emotionally detach when they become overwhelmed. We learn to do this in childhood, when our emotions or feelings are too much for our immature minds deal with. It's a way for kids to escape...

 

I was going to say essentially the same thing, but I can't say it any better than this. Wish I could like QS's post several times.

 

I would only add that the life changes you're going through are always major stressors, so you might want to figure out what is effective in relieving stress for you (exercise?) and include plenty of it in your routine. Also, practicing giving and enjoying affection and appreciation deliberately will help enable it naturally.

[preraph]

Nope, it was a freak accident. I mean we had talked about having kids in the future but it actually happening was totally an accident, we used protection. And I said before in the article I am fully prepared to be the father in terms of accepting the responsibility I'm not immature enough to run from the situation entirely. But at one point, and at times now, I could see myself spending my life with her. She's definitely my best friend, I just am feeling strange in a ton of ways emotionally in terms of romantic relationships.

 

Well, it's forced you to plunge in rather than wade in, so it's going to be plenty scary and emotional. Good luck though.

[Gloria25]

Well, it's forced you to plunge in rather than wade in, so it's going to be plenty scary and emotional. Good luck though.

 

"Accident"? Yeah, right....

 

I guess his gf decided he needed a "push"....

 

Even "if" someone I was seeing and I were getting along, no one wants to be "pushed" into anything...maybe that's where the OP's frustration lies.

 

Watch out, I bet there'll be more "accident" pregnancies in this couple's future

[almond]

"Accident"? Yeah, right....

 

I guess his gf decided he needed a "push"....

 

Even "if" someone I was seeing and I were getting along, no one wants to be "pushed" into anything...maybe that's where the OP's frustration lies.

 

Watch out, I bet there'll be more "accident" pregnancies in this couple's future

 

I don't think it's fair to judge a girl you've never met this harshly, when there's absolutely nothing to indicate that she lied to him or deceived him in any way.

[Toodaloo]

Well Quiet Storm seems to have said everything I was thinking.

 

Perhaps try to flip this round though.

 

Here you are. The next few years are going to be tough but then its going to get better. You have a fantastic girlfriend who you obviously get on well with, you have been blessed with a child which is an absolute joy. You have your career starting which is an exciting prospect.

 

I know its as frightening as anything and its going to be hard work but I hate to say it this accident could well be the best thing thats ever happened to you and at least you get all the hard stuff out of the way in one go. You will be able to get rid of your student debt at a time when baby is not going to care about the latest gadgets etc.

 

Keep up the counseling and keep striding forward. Try to be aware of how you are with your partner and try to appreciate her. It must be frightening and shocking for her too.