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My weird roommate called me weird; I overreacted


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My roommate is basically a nice guy but he can be socially inappropriate and critical. I've always felt uneasy around him because I sometimes get the sense he is judging me in a pretty negative way. He drops a lot of critical comments around me that up until now I've tried to brush off and ignore. Tonight, when he called me weird and got into detail about my habits, I finally lost my cool and sent him an overly dramatic email about why he needs to stop. He's asleep now so the email is still unread. What should I do?

 

Our bathroom is right next to the common area where he lives, with a thin wall separating the two. Sometimes around guys I'll flush twice to cover up the sound of peeing. I know it's a little stupid, but it doesn't strike me as all that strange, just one of those silly things women do to retain an air of mystery. Since I moved in a few months ago, he's commented four times on my "double flushing." Once I was leaving the bathroom and he asked, "why did you flush twice?" Another time we were out in the city and he blurted out during a lull in the conversation, "So why DO you flush twice." Then a third time. Finally I told him to mind his own business.

 

Last night he told me I was "kind of weird." When I asked how he listed off the double flushing, that I eat a lot of pancakes and pizza, and that I once didn't want to shop in a rundown supermarket he dragged me to because it smelled of rotten food (serious). I said to him, "everybody has quirks that you discover when you live with them." He added, "yeah but you have a whole stack of them." I could have pointed out how much weirder he is, but I didn't. He added, "but on the other hand you're smart and pretty."

 

What he said hurt, because I've always gotten a lot of flack for being shy/anxious/different, and my apartment is the one place I'd like to be myself without facing any scrutiny. Basically, I'm sensitive when it comes to this kind of highly personal criticism because I carry around some shame about who I am not being right in some way. His nitpicking has made me feel uncomfortable in my apartment. Writing this I'm realizing that I actually make different choices in the food I eat so as not to appear weird around him. I also just don't understand why he cares. He has plenty of strange habits, but I don't harp on them.

 

My email wasn't mean but it was sharp. Here's the jist:

 

Calling me weird for a few trivial quirks i have is weird and judgmental. Because i like pancakes and pizza, seriously? And how are my bathroom habits any of your business? I may have a few quirks but i have more social sense than to say things like that. You keep bringing up harmless things I do and it's gotten to the point where it's not funny. I don't know if you're hyper critical or something when it comes to other people and how they live but I shouldn't have to explain my quirks, just like i don't ask you to explain yours. Anyway, I'm telling you this because i consider you a friend and I'd like you to cut it out.

 

Now, after sending, I feel embarrassed, like I just confirmed his impression that I was weird by sending a weirdly obsessive email.

 

What now, can I do, to mend things but also get him to stop the nitpicking?

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eye of the storm

You should be able to relax in your apartment. And if he really is "awkward" he may not realize how he is coming across. So, if he brings up the email just tell him that you and he should both be able to relax in the apartment and just be yourselves. Knowing that unless you are doing something to infringe on the other that you are both secure in your space.

 

Good luck.

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Is he being judgemental or is he just trying to find out about you, what makes you tick perhaps?

Are his comments made in a nasty way to upset you, or is he actually just joking with you or trying to gain some familiarity, some common ground in your "relationship".

 

I think you did overreact, all you needed was to talk to him about it, not write some email.

Sending your roommate an email, whist he is asleep in the next room, IS weird.

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Bit of a case of the pot calling the kettle black in my opinion. You both call each other weird and you say yourself you feel different...

 

 

Nothing wrong with the email I think, except for the 'I have more social sense'. That was overboard. I understand you are frustrated but there is a vast difference between calling out behaviour as he is doing or attacking his character like you are doing.

 

 

Have a coffee with him in the morning and just explain how you feel and apologize for the harsch words. Email can quickly go sideways as you can't pick up on intonation and body language.

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SycamoreCircle

Socially awkward guys who like girls blurt out inappropriate things and needle away at their behavior.

 

He likes you.

 

I'm not saying that makes it right or something you should put up with but now you know his motives.

 

He's insecure. Either because he's just no good with women or because he knows it's inappropriate for him to be crushing on his roommate or a combination of the two.

 

I suspect you like him, too.

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Bit of a case of the pot calling the kettle black in my opinion. You both call each other weird and you say yourself you feel different...

 

 

Nothing wrong with the email I think, except for the 'I have more social sense'. That was overboard. I understand you are frustrated but there is a vast difference between calling out behaviour as he is doing or attacking his character like you are doing.

 

 

Have a coffee with him in the morning and just explain how you feel and apologize for the harsch words. Email can quickly go sideways as you can't pick up on intonation and body language.

 

+1.

 

I agree with Priv, that you need to have a quick face to face convo with your roommate when he wakes up to explain the email.

 

I also agree with elaine that you may have misinterpreted your roommate's comments, which sound more like harmless teasing.

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He thinks tearing someone else down builds him up. It gives him a momentary boner to cut someone down to his size. He's gross, you're not. Find a better roommate.

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Okay. So today while we were snowed in we had a conversation in which he apologized profusely, agreed that he was being an arse, told me he is often inappropriate and judgmental and has been called on it many times. He told me that most people will not say anything until it builds to a boil, and he thanked me for nicely broaching it with him early on. While I overreacted, I'm relieved that I wasn't just imagining that he was out of line.

 

I don't think he's a bad guy, just sometimes oblivious and irritating.

 

Confronting him about his behavior relieved some of the tension that had built up between us. We had fun cooking together and exploring the neighborhood post snowpocalypse.

 

Lessons to be learned: don't take things too seriously but DO stand up for yourself in a tactful way.

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Socially awkward guys who like girls blurt out inappropriate things and needle away at their behavior.

 

He likes you.

 

I'm not saying that makes it right or something you should put up with but now you know his motives.

 

He's insecure. Either because he's just no good with women or because he knows it's inappropriate for him to be crushing on his roommate or a combination of the two.

 

I suspect you like him, too.

 

I fear this will come off as protesting too much, but I do not like him. No way. No how. He's a nice guy...just not my type at all.

 

He sort of admitted that he likes me during our conversation today, which was a little awkward, but I'm pretty sure he has the sense not to cross that line.

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I think playfully teasing someone about their quirks is a fun way to get to know them better and bond with them. The quirks you listed aren't THAT weird, and like you said, everyone has them. Own them. Be proud of them, not ashamed or embarrassed. Easier said than done, of course.

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Eternal Sunshine

You should love that you are quirky and eccentric. I would much rather be weird than "normal" or "ordinary" :cool:

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You should love that you are quirky and eccentric. I would much rather be weird than "normal" or "ordinary" :cool:

 

+1! 100% agree with ES on this. Quirky and eccentric means that you're a far more interesting person than most who choose to conform to societal norms.

 

As John Lennon once quipped, "It's weird not to be weird."

 

And if that doesn't work,

 

"Conformity is the jailer of freedom and the enemy of growth." -JFK

 

And if that STILL doesn't work, (this one is prob my favorite quote)

 

"There are no norms. All people are an exception to a rule that doesn't exist." -Fernando Pessoa, Portuguese poet,writer, and philosopher ♥♥♥

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