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Dealing with strict parents in adulthood


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I am 22 years old, have recently graduated from college last May and have been working a full-time professional job since July. I am still living at home, as my college loans are substantial and my current living situation allows me to save some money. While my parents do provide me with food and shelter (which I greatly appreciate), I am largely self-sufficient. I pay for all my medical bills, clothing, college loans, transportation to and from work, non-essentials, etc. I work very hard at my job and have recently been promoted to a unique managerial position at my company in only my 6 month there.

 

I bring up these accomplishments not to brag, but to demonstrate why I believe I should be treated like an adult. Unfortunately, my parents do not treat me as such. They are very religious and conservative in their views, believing that children should always obey their parents as long as they are living under their roof. This forces me into a very difficult situation, as I am forced to often lie to them about my plans that I know they would disapprove of for mostly religious reasons. I envy my friends with less authoritative parents who can openly talk to them about their lives without judgment or consequences. I absolutely hate lying to my parents and wish I could tell them the truth. Unfortunately, I have seen the negative consequences of being truthful and the perceived benefit of just lying to them and keeping them blissfully ignorant.

 

To provide a recent example and the reason why I decided to ask for advice here, my new girlfriend and I are planning on going on a trip to the Dominican Republic for a few nights in March. I have never left the country before and can only see my girlfriend every couple of months, as she is finishing her senior year in college that is distant from me. This would be an incredible experience for us to share together. I have saved up the money for this trip over the months and will be paying for everything on my own. I know my parents would not let me go if I told them I would be going with her, so I told them that I will be going with my college friends and that there is a small chance she would be there with her friends. Like I said I hate lying to my parents and I wanted to be as honest as possible within the realm of reason so I figured I was still being somewhat truthful by telling them that she could be there.

 

They reacted negatively to this and said how inappropriate it is to go on a vacation with a girlfriend and that I should save these experiences for my future wife. I told them how when they react like this it makes me learn to lie to them and not be open with them about my life. I said that I could have lied about her being there, but I wanted to be honest with them. They will still let me go on the trip, but have voiced their disapproval about her being there.

 

My girlfriend and I will be flying together from the same airport so it would make the most sense to drive together. Unfortunately, I will not be able to use my car, as I have two younger siblings who will need it to drive to school and it wouldn't make sense to keep my car parked at the airport for 5 days. I am completely understanding of that. So the next best option would be for my girlfriend to drive us. Knowing my parents, however, they will not be happy with this and it will only fuel their suspicion that my friends won't be there and it will just be the two of us.

 

I don't know what to do. I have not told my girlfriend yet about how strict my parents are and I don't want to tell her that they don't want us going on a vacation together, as it is extremely embarrassing for someone at my age to be so controlled by their parents. We have also only been dating for a little over a month so I don't think it's time to talk about my deep familial issues right now. I know she would be understanding but it's too embarrassing for me to tell her.

 

My question isn't even about my strict parents. This is just who they are and that will never change. Instead, how do I deal with this situation of trying to balance my parents not finding out and not telling my girlfriend about how strict they are? I know it will seem weird when I tell her we can't drive together so what should my excuse be?

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deathandtaxes

Part of being an adult is making your own decisions and dealing with the consequences.

 

You made the decision to live with your parents. The way they see it, their house, and their right to tell you whatever they want to tell you.

 

They can't stop you from going to the Dominican Republic. But they can kick you out of the house.

 

This is the decision you have to make. Do you continue to live with them just to save a buck and then have to deal with what you obviously see as an incompatible view on life? Or do you move out, make ends meet, and have the freedom to live how you wish?

 

You can't quite put a price tag on freedom.

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eye of the storm

I tell my kids, when you live with me and I pay the rent...my rules. Don't like it? Pay your own rent.

 

Not that I don't like my kids or don't want to help them, but if they want to be treated like adults, then they need to pay the adult bills.

 

My daughter hates that I have a curfew in my house. But I get up early for work and her coming home late wakes me up. If she doesn't like it, move.

 

I am willing to help them. But I don't want them to think this is so great they stay living with me forever. Being a bit uncomfortable (as in dealing with my rules) gives them an incentive to move out and be productive independent adults.

 

To me, what I hear you say is "I am living with them so I can pay off my loans and still have play money".

 

Want to move out faster? Instead of taking an expensive vacation, pay that money towards your loans.

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Yep, I'm with the others.

 

They pay the rent? Their rules.

 

You don't like it? Move out instead of spending the money to go on a foreign trip.

 

You want to be an adult? Act like one.

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Be honest with your gf. Don't be embarrassed by this. She needs to know and maybe by telling her she'll give you some encouragement and support to ease your mind.

 

Not that I encourage lying to people, but at 22, you have your own life. The less detail your parents know what you do and with whom, the better.

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Ok for those jumping at my throat and painting me as a spoiled brat who just lives at home to have "play money", I have NEVER gone on any expensive vacations before. Throughout my college years, I did work study and missed fun spring break trips with my friends to make more money to help my family with their bills and pay for my education. I pay over $1,000 a month for my college loans alone. This trip is an anomaly and I believe it is well deserved after many years of working hard and missing out on past experiences.

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eye of the storm

I'm not jumping down your throat. I'm just telling you from a parent's perspective what I see.

 

You whining about mommy and daddy telling you what to do is easily fixed.

 

Move out.

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Unfortunately when you live rent free and someone else is feeding you; you are under their rules. I suggest you tell your gf the truth about the situation because more lies are going to get you in trouble.

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I have NEVER gone on any expensive vacations before.

Not a factor in this argument.

 

This trip is an anomaly and I believe it is well deserved after many years of working hard and missing out on past experiences.

Sure, but it is not an anomaly if it involves lying to your parents about it because - at some point - they WILL find out about it.

 

If you feel you deserve and want the trip, figure out a way to be honest with your parents about it. If you can't, then don't do it and wait until you living on your own 100%.

 

I'm assuming they raised you with certain values that you should abide by...

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Moving out is not as simple as you make it sound. I chose to go to one of the top schools in the country with a tuition close to $60k/year. That was my decision and I think having a degree from a Tier 1 university easily outweighs the benefits of living on my own. I am also saving up money for law school, so that is an added factor to delaying my move out of the house.

 

I completely understand what you're saying and my parents have stated equal sentiments to me. I'm under their roof, their rules. Understood. I obey their curfews, I drive my younger siblings to and from their various activities, I help my parents with their bills, I sometimes pay for groceries without even being asked to, etc. Trust me, I get it.

 

But I am an adult. I work full-time, I can vote, I can drink legally. In the eyes of the law, I am just as much of an adult as they are. It's frustrating to me that because of my decision to not spend my college years partying without a care in the world and instead pushing myself to go to one of the most prestigious universities in the country, I am being deprived of the freedoms I should enjoy as an adult. I have friends who didn't give a damn about college and partied for 4 years at schools with very low tuitions and are now living independently and free to do as they please. I knew what I was getting myself into because I believe my degree will open doors for me that my peers might not have access to. It just comes across like my parents don't appreciate my accomplishments and efforts.

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How many years of school do you have left?

 

Just do what you can to keep the peace at home. Again, what you do and where go, who you're with is your business and you're not obligated to give details to your parents. You are an adult now yet living in their house, rent free, so respecting what they expect (helping out, chores, driving siblings) is fine, just the rest? Keep to yourself as I said before.

 

The trip, all you have to do is tell them a bunch of people are going, no need to stress them out that it's only you and your gf.

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Moving out is not as simple as you make it sound. I chose to go to one of the top schools in the country with a tuition close to $60k/year. That was my decision and I think having a degree from a Tier 1 university easily outweighs the benefits of living on my own. I am also saving up money for law school, so that is an added factor to delaying my move out of the house.

 

I completely understand what you're saying and my parents have stated equal sentiments to me. I'm under their roof, their rules. Understood. I obey their curfews, I drive my younger siblings to and from their various activities, I help my parents with their bills, I sometimes pay for groceries without even being asked to, etc. Trust me, I get it.

 

But I am an adult. I work full-time, I can vote, I can drink legally. In the eyes of the law, I am just as much of an adult as they are. It's frustrating to me that because of my decision to not spend my college years partying without a care in the world and instead pushing myself to go to one of the most prestigious universities in the country, I am being deprived of the freedoms I should enjoy as an adult. I have friends who didn't give a damn about college and partied for 4 years at schools with very low tuitions and are now living independently and free to do as they please. I knew what I was getting myself into because I believe my degree will open doors for me that my peers might not have access to. It just comes across like my parents don't appreciate my accomplishments and efforts.

 

It is simpler than you think it is. None of this is relevant to your parents' attitude.

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deathandtaxes
I am being deprived of the freedoms I should enjoy as an adult.

 

We're not jumping down your throat. We're giving thoughtful advice.

 

You are NOT being deprived any freedoms. You are CHOOSING to live with your parents and as such must live with the consequences of that choice. You are depriving YOURSELF, not your parents depriving you.

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I think you should go whether they like it or not. Tell them you respect their rules but that this is important to you. If you have one parent who is more reasonable, work on that one. They could be resentful about the money since it could be going toward paying down your loan instead and get you out of there sooner, so it's not that they don't have a legit gripe. But I know what you mean when you say they are just strict and don't believe what you are doing is basically moral, and you don't have to live like that. Be ready for the consequences. Probably they'll just be mad but you would know if they could kick you out for it. You might tell them that in order to fit in and make some good friends and future contacts at college, you need to be able to do at least some of what other students get to do. They should understand this is the time to make friends and future business contacts.

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Some of the commenters are painting this narrative of me that I am a whiny kid looking for a free ride at home so I can go off and spend my money willy-nilly. Not to pat my own back, but I do think I am smart and responsible.

 

A couple of the commenters are saying that I am not acting like an adult because I'm using this money for a vacation and not my loans. What they fail to realize is that since I started working, I have been paying about $1200 in loans a month. I'm willing to bet that's more money than they paid for their loans or other people they know who are paying loans today. I've slowly stored away money throughout the months to afford this; sacrificing nights going out to the bars with my friends or other things. I believe I am acting more responsible than most people my age.

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The truth is, they are entitled to their desires, opinions, and thoughts.

 

It is also true that you are an adult.

 

What are they going to do if you break the rules? Ground you?

 

I think you need to be respectfully honest with them and tell them that while you value their opinions, you are an adult, and you will be making your own decisions regarding your personal life.

 

They will not like it and will likely tell you so, along with lots of Scripture verses and guilting. You can respond by telling them you understand they are upset, remaining respectful, but sticking to your guns and making your own choices.

 

IF they kick you out, that is their right. So be ready for that. However, I doubt they will. Not to be mean, but they will likely not want to give up the control and front row seat into your life they have now.

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I don't think you're whiny and I'm glad you're paying off your college loans because I don't know anyone else who is, which is leaving it to the taxpayers, basically.

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your girl needs to know that your family are a bit, er, odd, no emoting when you tell her, she needs to know that under their oddness you always remain calm and tactful

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I don't think you're whiny and I'm glad you're paying off your college loans because I don't know anyone else who is, which is leaving it to the taxpayers, basically.

 

Thank you. College is a privilege, not a right. I made the decision to enhance my education so it is only right that I pay for it.

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I think you have unrealistic expectations. Your parents aren't going to morph into different people. They aren't going to act like other parents. They have their own ideas, beliefs and expectations. You aren't ever going to have the parents you wish for. So stop feeling sorry and just accept they are who they are.

 

My parents were very hard to live with for other reasons (addiction). I had to accept them for who they are. It comes down to this...you can either keep wishing they were different, keep comparing them to other parents and feeling robbed of an authentic life, or you can accept them.

 

Take comfort in their intentions and try to understand that they really do have your best interests at heart. Instead of trying to change them, change you. Take steps to move out, get roommates or tell yourself this is only temporary and make the best of it.

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TouchedByViolet

Your parents will most likely never change.

 

If you want to be free leave home. You make enough money. Just redo your finances to pay off your loans a little slower and enjoy life. You are letting your parents hold you back by living at home. I moved out at 21 (immediately after graduation) and wish I had done so sooner. If your parents won't let you be independent you must move out. You make good money... this is one of life's easy decisions.

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