Jump to content

I'm in a VERY ABUSIVE relationship and need a way out!!!!!


Recommended Posts

Scared Mother

I am currently in a physical, verbal, and emoitional abusive relationship. I've been with my fiance for 8 years now, and for the past three years he has started abusing me. I have left him several times, but he always seems to find me. I have also put him in jail, but he gets right back out. I can NOT get away from him.

 

We also have a 6 year old daughter together. He doesn't really abuse her, but what she see's me go through is abuse to me. He always threatens me and always threatens to take her away from me. I can't work because he wants me to stay at home, and he also doesn't want me to have any money. He got offered a job out of town, and now weve moved where I don't know anyone. I feel very alone and trapped. The only way I can get my Daughter and myself completely away from him is just to like run far away from here. But yet I have no money to do so. I just feel hopeless.

 

I am truely scared for my life, and that is why I'm still here. I mean, if I leave him and he finds me again he said he would seriously hurt me. I can't bare the thought of something happening to me and him getting away with that and leaving my child behind. I just want to live a happy, safe life!!! If anybody can help me, or give me advice on what I can do I would appericate it SO much!! I am begging people to help me out!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Nothing says I don't love you and leave me the hell alone or else quite like a restraining order.

 

In this situation don't fail to plan or you plan to fail.. make up your mind to leave this guy and then make a safe plan for you and your daughter to get the hell away from him... Is there family you can stay with until you can get on your feet? If so, contact them... if not contact your local womans shelter and get some help there.

 

Contact your police department and find out how to go about getting a restraining order against this guy that not only protects you, but your daughter as well...

 

Document, document, document!!! Every thing he says that is threatning to you or to your daughter... You don't have to do this alone... please get some help and get yourself and your daughter out of there.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The best help you can get will be from a battered women's shelter in your area. Be very discreet when calling or visiting them. They will counsel you about the safest way to leave, and they can help with lots of practical details.

 

Please make sure your H does not get a clue about your plans to leave. Sadly, the time between your decision and the time you are finally safe is the most dangerous for you and your daughter.

 

Also, please be very discreet about your LS postings. Do NOT have them emailed to you, for instance. (MODS - please help with this if she has her settings wrong.)

 

I care very much, please post for any advice or just venting.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by Merin2

Nothing says I don't love you and leave me the hell alone or else quite like a restraining order.

 

That's a pretty simplistic and rather unrealistic view. In many cases, restraining orders are nothing more than a piece of paper..and in a lot of cases, just the act of the woman getting one is enough to further infuriate the abuser - because then he's lost some of his control. Don't make a restraining order sound like a simple solution to a very serious problem - I would hate this woman or other women who might be going through this same thing to think that a restraining order will save them. It CAN help in many cases, but it's not the magical answer for all women.

 

I hope this woman can find the # to the nearest Battered Womens Shelter. She should be able to get it (even if she wants to remain anonymous) by calling up her local hospital or medical clinic or police station - if she's scared, she can say she's getting it for a "friend." They'll get it for her.

 

A shelter can be the answer for her and her daughter.......they can likely provide a free, safe place for her to live until such times as she can get set up elsewhere. Shelters are meticulous about keeping their location a secret - so that abusive men can find their wives, girlfriends, etc. They can help her with counselling, helping her to get set up to relocate, helping her get the things she'd need to set up a new home (blankets, pots, food, etc). Many shelters also have teachers who come in and do schooling for the children there who can't leave for safety reasons (eg: the abuser realizes wife and children have left so he goes to the children's school and tries to take the children OR follows the children home from school to see where they're now residing).

 

The shelter women (who have all been victims of domestic abuse themselves) can put her in touch with the resources she'll need......the police, a lawyer, etc..........many women are in the same boat as her.......not able to work, no source of income and basically have to leave with nothing.

 

If she's not able to get to the shelter with her daughter (no car, for example) I'm more than sure they'd help her with arrangements, like sending a taxi and they'd cover the cost.

 

I pray for her and her daughter's safety - may God bless and watch over them both.......and I hope she knows that we care. What Solemate said is correct though, she needs to be careful what she writes on the computer...in case he's the type to check the temporary internet files, cookies or has some type of spyware (key logger) program set up on the computer. He likely doesn't but you never know. I hope she can contact a shelther ASAP, they will help her out of this mess, without a doubt in the world.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by Merin2

Nothing says I don't love you and leave me the hell alone or else quite like a restraining order.

 

A restraining order WILL NOT work for her safety at all---in fact it may work against you in this case.

 

The guy sounds very dangerous. You need to "convieniently disappear" so he will not know where you or your daughter are at all so you can think clearly in a safer environment.

 

First, I would talk to a public defender: Quietly VERY quietly go and get some advice and file against him after you are completely out of the picture and he cannot hurt you or until you can find shelter--a woman's shelter group. Call around or talk go to the nearest court house and get info. Talk to a public defender about the danger and the threats too when you can but find a woman's shelter for you and your daughter to take steps against him.

 

DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM.

 

Be careful. Plot this very quietly and use control of your emotions around him. Don't fight with him. GET OUT QUICKLY IF YOU CAN.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You can get help. Start off with those abusive hotlines or shelter and they can give you steps on how to break it off with this guy. Trust me, being single with your own kid is better off than dealing with an abusive punk@$$ for the next couple of years.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Scared Mother

Well, The house that we are now living in is in his name only. Thats how he wanted it. I have went to the police and they have arrested him, but that has not worked it only pissed him off even more. So I can only get a restraining order against him if I leave his house, but yet he won't let me go. I have no friends and no real family. He's ran them all off. I''ve tried to still get there help, but there scared of him too!!! I did go to one local womans shelter, but he got me kicked out. I just still don't know how I can get around leaving, when I feel so trapped. I have no one on my side, no money, no nothing, but a beautiful Daughter. I do not want the state to take her away from me, and I can not leave her here. I'm still very lost and I still don't know what to do. Thanks for the advice though!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Get down to the police station in the morning and find out where to go or get to the court house first thing and yell bloody murder... Make people listen to you. I wish I could help you.

 

Be careful with the computer use too.

 

Clear the URL browser...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so sorry to hear of your situation, I couldnt begin to imagine how scared and alone you must feel.

 

PLEASE be careful in what you do on the computer as netrie also mentioned. plot your escape very very very VERY discreetly.

 

Is there ANYWAY possible you could earn a bit of money without him finding out? I am lost as to how you could do this..or perhaps save up, bit by bit with the money he gives you for groceries etc?

 

Call up an interstate womens shelter, I assume you are from the USA? i am not sure how the system works, whether you can take refuge in a out of town shelter or if this would be a problem..

 

IF you can do this...then heres what i suggest.

 

PLAN EVERYTHING IN SECRET from EVERYONE. dont tell ANYONE where you are going..

 

1. save up some money, anyway possible..ASK for some money from your family- even distant relatives- BEG them if need be. this is a matter of life and death! ask them to deposit money into your account- if you dont have a discreet account from this man, then ask them to open one up for you- serious times call for serious measures if you ask me.

2. ring up some shelters in a far away location and organise for you and your daughter to stay there. get some free legal advice about what you can do to try and ensure your safety. you are not legally married to this man i assume from your post, which is one positive...

3. buy a bus/train/plane ticket for you and your daughter..pack light and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE

4. disappear while he is at work, do not lead him to believe this is your plan. act normally.

5. once you arrive in your destination, try to get in contact with friends or relatives..i know it would be a strech since he has allienated them..but surely these people would help you in your time of need?

 

you need to act now and act fast. this man sounds like he is crazy and would not blink at hurting you and your child. We do not want you to end up like Julia Roberts in sleeping with the enemy.

We want to help you get as far away from this monster as possible.

 

Please be safe, and let us know how the situation progresses, or if he does anything to harm you.

..please be careful.

Link to post
Share on other sites

ive been thinking about your situation a bit over the last couple of hours..

How did the abuse start? was he nice in the begining? did something set him off? i assume he wasnt like this in the begining of the relationship? it is so scary for women, how can we tell if a man is going to turn out like this?!

 

Please keep in touch with the forum and let us know how things are going. it sounds like he wants you locked up in the hosue away from everyone, so communicate with us here about your situation..

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am in no way saying that a restraining order is ALL she needs and that it's a "magic bullet" nor was I trying to make her situation appear to be "simple"

 

My sister was in a situation a lot like this one.. and she did make a PLAN of getting help that included a restraining order to protect herself and her kids.. so while it may not be the thing for EVERYONE to do, I still believe it is ONE good option in conjunction with other things as well.. and said so in my post.

Link to post
Share on other sites

http://www.ndvh.org/

 

This is an excellent website. They offer all sorts of information. They will also show you how to cover your tracks online. I would advise you to memorize the URL to this website and delete it from your favorites. If he cruses through and finds this it will mean trouble.

 

You can leave. I promise you, that there is help to be had, but YOU have to go for it. Shelters will offer you protection that you can't offer yourself.

 

I have been there done that. It took me almost ten years. Statistics show that children raised in abusive relationships are more likely to be abused or become abusers. Think of your daughter, doesn't she deserve to learn a new way of life.

 

You will be in my thoughts.

Link to post
Share on other sites

make sure to make a list of reasons why you hate this guy so that when you do get away and things get hard both financially and emotionally you can read it to give you the strength to not give up and go back to the poison guy because it gets financially/emotionally difficult. Sometimes we get so beat down and afraid that we actually will talk ourselves into thinking it wasnt that bad..........you need to get a job. It makes it a zillion times more difficult to get out when they have you completely financially dependant.....my heart goes out to you - it is sooo hard to make the break in so many ways.......I wish I had alot of money, I would share it with you to get you on your feet :( I dont know where you live but I do know someone who will mentor you and give you support while you are trying to get yourself out of there.....send me a personal email if you want her #

 

Others have mentioned the shelters too. they offer mentors/ counseling..............

Link to post
Share on other sites

My mom went through the same thing. A place called Sister Care helped her. Their number is 1-800-637-7606. You can go to http://www.sistercare.com That website is based in Columbia South Carolina but the 800 is for people outside of there. They may be able to help you but please get out ASAP be discreet about it. They also have other information on there website.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by Merin2

I am in no way saying that a restraining order is ALL she needs and that it's a "magic bullet" nor was I trying to make her situation appear to be "simple"

 

My sister was in a situation a lot like this one.. and she did make a PLAN of getting help that included a restraining order to protect herself and her kids.. so while it may not be the thing for EVERYONE to do, I still believe it is ONE good option in conjunction with other things as well.. and said so in my post.

 

Well then you should have also included that restraining orders do not provide protection to the woman in all cases. You indicated that if she merely got one, it would protect her and her child. While that may be the case in some situations, it's surely not for most.

 

In most cases, the only way a restraining order can truly provide proper protection to an abused woman is if she's got a police car sitting outside her house 24/7 and can summon the police's assistance, should the order be breached, within mere seconds. This is obviously not a reality.

 

Often times an abuser will become infuriated that he's basically been kicked out of his home and no longer has easy access to control and abuse his partner. A restraining order can make him all the more violent and determined to seek revenge on his partner who had the "nerve to stand up to him." Most abusers want a woman who's submissive, fearful, spineless who will do as he says.........which is why they eventually make them into this kind of woman.

 

It can take only seconds for an abuser to break into the home, despite a restraining order, and inflict abuse on the woman. Many times she doesn't even have a chance to get to the phone to call 911 to report that he's breached the order. There's surely no guarantee that he'll abide by the stipulations of the order...if he's angry and sick enough, he won't give a damn about a piece of paper or perhaps being arrested and thrown into a jail cell for the night.

 

I just don't ever want abused women to have a false sense of security with having a restraining order. The degree of protection it can provide is solely proportional to whether the abuser abides by it or not, and if he doesn't, how quickly she can get to the phone to call 911.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have been exactly where you are now .

 

My Tips are :

 

Rent or share a storage unit with all your personal belongings. That way when its finally time to go you have all your possessions . You have to move items slowly so your husband/bf does not notice things missing.

 

Contact a Crisis Hotline and they will DOCUMENT your calls. They will also offer valuable advice such as : Socking away money so that you have an exscape fund. And numerous tips on how to get ready to get safely away from this man

 

DOCUMENT any bruises , injuries, threats ect. and keep this in a safe storage place because its hard to get people to believe that this was happening to you. You will appreciate it later in court

 

Know that he will eventually KILL you ! The subtle and not so subtle threats are REAL ! You are dealing with an insecure dysfunctional man who is going to close off your world to keep you in HIS !

 

You NEED a SUPPORT SYSTEM ASAP !

That means a friend who can get you OUT of there and keep you safe. If you have no friends or family you can contact a battered womens shelter and they will pick you up at a secret location and keep you safe helping you get back on your feet.

 

LEAVE this man now ! But most importantly you need counseling to deal with why you let this man demean and insult you and control you and make your life a miserable HELL !

 

I needed the same things you need today.

 

TELL SOMEONE ! ANYONE what he is doing. ITs UPlifting and FReedom ! ITs essential...Its the beginning of the REST of your LIfe :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by Scared Mother

I am currently in a physical, verbal, and emoitional abusive relationship. I've been with my fiance for 8 years now

 

I didn't read everyone elses post but I'd like to say for starters, stop referring to him as your fiance!

 

Do not marry this man under any circumstances.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Scared Mother

I just wanted to let everyone know how much I apperciate your support!!! You all are being most helpful, and you just have no idea how much that means to me. First thing tomorrow I'm making a few phone calls to some shelters. I'm going to try to get out of here ASAP!! Hopefully I can go somewhere out of Town or State. So if anyone has any info. on how I can do that it would be great.

 

Just to let you'll know that at the moment I'm okay. Well, considering my situation. I am completely terrified, but I am confident that I will pull out of this. I am putting all my faith in God, I have nothing else. My Daughter means the world to me, and is the most important person in our situation. She has been through so much, bless her soul. I just want her to be safe, thats my main concern.

 

I honestly don't know what happened to my Fiance (I hate calling him that)! We have been together for 8years, and at first everything was great. Well honestly we were just kids when we got together. I'm now only 20 yrs. old, so I was 12 when we first got together. Please nobody judge me, alot of people do. They seriously look down on me. Anyway, I got pregnant at the age of 13 and had my Daughter when I was 14. I got kicked out of my house, but he found a place for us to stay. We both changed our Birth Cert. to work to support ourselves. He stood by my side the whole entire time. But a few years ago he started to change. At first it was his attitude, him disrespecting me. And it seemed like all we did was fight. Well, I finally decided that we needed to take a break, and that was the first time he hit me. He broke my jaw bone! He must have enjoyed it because after that he became more and more violent. And now he acts like he would do anything to me and it wouldn't bother him a bit. Every time I have left him he has always found me. I would be forced to go back home, or scared for my life to do otherwise. Thats why I need to get as far away from him as possible.

 

Once again, thanks to all of you! My love and blessings go out to all!! :love::love:

Link to post
Share on other sites

My shelter worked with a shelter in another state to relocate me, and put me in transitional housing. Transitional housing provided me a cheaper apartment, along with classes and counseling for my children and myself.

 

You might be able to use statutory rape laws to your advantage in this situation is he is older than you.

 

If I had room, you could stay here.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I just wanted to share my experience with the restraining order issue. I had one against my ex-poison guy and I moved to colorado to get away from this jerk. He followed me there, I let him in, we argued, he got violent, I called the police, pg lied and said I initiated the physical contact (he had a black eye from my defending myself, I had no marks b/c he hits in the stomach ( we dont bruise there and he chokes, restrains, throws me on the ground (my back and neck are still jack-ed up) and does things less likely to leave obvious marks) at any rate, despite my having the restraing order against him I WENT TO JAIL -NOW I AM FACING CRIMINAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CHARGES because this guy is so devious and lies. After that incident it removed my power to threaten to call the cops when he started getting violent.....now I am a trapped rat until this ahole decides to move out. which he has promised to do. first it was last saturday, then sunday, now it's friday. he has me over the barrel b/c i am afraid to call the police as the ahole knows all he has to do is hit his own head on a wall, look worse than me, say i did it, and I will go to the pokey. it still just amazes me.....i am just praying he doesnt knock my teeth out like he has threatened in the past. short-story-long, that restraining order didnt do sh*t for me.

 

just get away - if you feel like you might need to call the police just leave. these guys are unstable and will do who knows what. forget the material crap. you'll get more. you and your sanity are more important than any of that stuff.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm proud of you that you will take the steps to get yourself and daughter out of there.........I know how hard it is, and how scary it is.

 

Do you know which shelters to call in your area? If you don't, here's a page (click on the link) that provides a "Directory" of Domestic Violence Shelters in all U.S. States. If you're in Canada, just say so and we can find something similar for you, too. Assuming you're American, just click on your "state" in the list and it will give you all the shelters there, find one close to you...and if you're in a small town and the nearest one is a ways away, call them anyway.........they might still be able to help you!

 

http://search.looksmart.com/p/browse/us1/us317837/us317919/us10101203/us236463/us236518/us10096070/

 

Here, also, is another helpful website (from the U.S. govt).....with all kinds of helpful links...including the toll free (doesn't call anything to call, 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week..so this won't show up on your phone bill) # to the National Domestic Violence Hotline:

 

1-800-799-SAFE or (1-800-799-7233)

 

By calling this #, they should also be able to put you in touch w/ LOCAL Domestic Violence Shelters in your area.........and be able to answer any questions you might have (I'm sure you have many!)...regarding how you're going to "get out" when you're not working, don't have money, etc etc. So many millions of other women have been or are in your boat - you are not alone - there is help for you, you can count on that.

 

On that page also, are helpful links

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

i will try to put some input on this but ivenever been inthis situation so hopefully something works out...

 

K...im the same age as you and girl the first thing i would seriusly do even if ur scared is you have to have a heart to heart conversation with this guy...

 

tell him you really want to talk without any hands being raise or yelling and see if it works...tell him he's ruining ur life when all u want to do is be a happy family toghether...see if he wants to make a new start and tell him if anything abusive happens again he'll never see u again and thats a promise...you have to talk to this guy even if it scares you.. you HAVE to let him know how he's scaring you to death and relationships arent like this...he has to see that ur hurt..he has to realize wut he's doing to you b/c obvisouly he doesnt...

 

but if that doesnt work i would try this: if he works 8am-4pm or 9-5 or whatever.... get a part time job or a full time job while he's working so he doesnt have a clue that ur working the same times...you need money girl and thats the only way to do it...even if u work 4/5 hrs a day thats a start... drop ur child at day care of hire a babysitter... you need a start and this is wut ithink is best...save money for a lil bit and once u have what u need take off!! and dont lookback go out of state look around for apartments andstart ur life over... get credit in ur name ... dont use anything of his b/c he'll track you down...YOU COULD DO IT!!! GET IT THERE!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Originally posted by emmy lou

Well then you should have also included that restraining orders do not provide protection to the woman in all cases. You indicated that if she merely got one, it would protect her and her child. While that may be the case in some situations, it's surely not for most.

 

In most cases, the only way a restraining order can truly provide proper protection to an abused woman is if she's got a police car sitting outside her house 24/7 and can summon the police's assistance, should the order be breached, within mere seconds. This is obviously not a reality.

 

Often times an abuser will become infuriated that he's basically been kicked out of his home and no longer has easy access to control and abuse his partner. A restraining order can make him all the more violent and determined to seek revenge on his partner who had the "nerve to stand up to him." Most abusers want a woman who's submissive, fearful, spineless who will do as he says.........which is why they eventually make them into this kind of woman.

 

It can take only seconds for an abuser to break into the home, despite a restraining order, and inflict abuse on the woman. Many times she doesn't even have a chance to get to the phone to call 911 to report that he's breached the order. There's surely no guarantee that he'll abide by the stipulations of the order...if he's angry and sick enough, he won't give a damn about a piece of paper or perhaps being arrested and thrown into a jail cell for the night.

 

I just don't ever want abused women to have a false sense of security with having a restraining order. The degree of protection it can provide is solely proportional to whether the abuser abides by it or not, and if he doesn't, how quickly she can get to the phone to call 911.

 

*Sigh* You know what Emmy Lou, I was giving my two cents.. I wasn't telling her once again that this was a end all solution, I was speaking of what experience someone close to ME had with this.

 

I'm not the "enemy" here, and I resent you telling me what I should've told this young woman.

 

You've offered some great advice for her, and that's great as thats what we're all here to do.. hopefully help another person and offer what experience we may have as INDIVIDIUALS.

 

Best Wishes Scared Mother..

Link to post
Share on other sites
DayumQuitPlayin

Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. Its bad how things can get.

I'm not judging you about your age and all that ..that doesn't matter, all that matters is your safety and the safety of your child.

 

These are things that you should do:

 

1. Get full custody of your child

2. Get a restraining order

3. Find a place to go (without your 'fiance' finding out)

4. Call support groups, hotlines

5. Document everything that happens (threats, abuse, etc)

6. Notify police, or go see a Magistrate and plea your case

7. Save money (any way you can)

8. TRY to get family support.. you may not have a good relationship with them now.. but it will help later down the road... believe me

9. Have Confidence in yourself..and don't stop until you go through with it. Have motivation

 

These are not placed in any order.. they're just things that you should consider doing. I truly wish you good Luck.. God Bless...

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...