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Is this inappropriate behavior with a young girl?


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I just discovered that my boyfriend...who has a 20 year old daughter had a strange situation develop in his previous marriage.

 

His ex wife felt that he was spending too much time with his daughter and her girlfriends. They were around 15 at the time.

Apparently, it was so intense that the daughter's best friend was banned from their home for awhile....

 

He said his ex eventually admitted she was just jealous.

 

Well, fast forward to present day -- I found text messages between my boyfriend and his daughter's best friend. He's telling her that he missed seeing her "pretty face"...called her gorgeous at one point -- and then in another text told her he was mad because she didn't stop by and say hello while she was home from college.

 

I confronted him and he said that there was nothing to hide and that he just sees this girl like a daughter to him...

 

It has ended in a big fight and I am questioning the relationship. I was abused as a teenager by a family friend and this is very sensitive to me. He offered to stop texting the girl and block her on FB.

 

However, after the fight was coming to a close he told me he couldn't believe I ruined his night with those questions.....

 

 

 

Am I misjudging?

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Run!!!

 

 

You ruined his night with questions??

 

 

I believe his ex was not jealous.

She had a bad instinct about him and I think she was right.

 

 

I would get away from this guy right now.

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I just discovered that my boyfriend...who has a 20 year old daughter had a strange situation develop in his previous marriage.

 

His ex wife felt that he was spending too much time with his daughter and her girlfriends. They were around 15 at the time.

Apparently, it was so intense that the daughter's best friend was banned from their home for awhile....

 

He said his ex eventually admitted she was just jealous.

 

Well, fast forward to present day -- I found text messages between my boyfriend and his daughter's best friend. He's telling her that he missed seeing her "pretty face"...called her gorgeous at one point -- and then in another text told her he was mad because she didn't stop by and say hello while she was home from college.

 

I confronted him and he said that there was nothing to hide and that he just sees this girl like a daughter to him...

 

It has ended in a big fight and I am questioning the relationship. I was abused as a teenager by a family friend and this is very sensitive to me. He offered to stop texting the girl and block her on FB.

 

However, after the fight was coming to a close he told me he couldn't believe I ruined his night with those questions.....

 

 

 

Am I misjudging?

 

Not at all. His ex-wife saw this for what it was and now you are too.

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kiss_andmakeup

Oh gosh. Of course this is inappropriate! Run!

 

The whole "she was just jealous" thing sounds like an excuse he made up himself, and speaks to the fact that he obviously has a very skewed concept of boundaries when it comes to his daughter's friends. I'm sure this as well as associated issues contributed largely to their divorce.

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evanescentworld

You have a gut instinct?

 

I'd listen to it, if I were you.

 

Too many people try to suppress suspicion and feelings with rational thought and analysis.

 

If you feel something is up - and it has a history - then for goodness' sake, be prepared to pay attention.

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A wife won't get jealous about one of her daughter's friends if the husband isn't doing something inappropriate. It sounds like she just figured out he was pursuing an incredibly inappropriate (and illegal) relationship. Has he told you why his marriage ended? Pedophilia would be a definite reason for me to end a marriage. And I get that it's no longer illegal but it is still very inappropriate.

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I do see on FB that this girl has been best friends with his daughter for years... and I know my boyfriend is very close friends with this girl's parents.

 

 

He also says the girl has "confidence issues " and that's why he tries to "prop her up"...

 

 

But, I looked through facebook and saw that she was a swimsuit model a couple of years ago...so while she MAY have confidence issues -- she clearly has an attraction ...

 

 

My boyfriend said he took those girls to starbucks and the mall all the time.. on the weekends while his ex wife was out of town at events.

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The marriage didn't end for that reason and apparently the girl was eventually allowed back in the house when the ex wife was present....but this was all very weird.

 

 

My gut feeling on this? I can't really judge because as a victim of abuse myself...I think I overreact.

 

 

I tried watching his interaction with the girl recently at a family dinner. She didn't really talk and made very little eye contact. However, the girl did seem socially awkward -- overall.

 

 

Hard to say... but we are having other problems too -as I posted here about an engagement. So -- I am trying to figure out what to do fast. I lived with him and I just left for a couple of days...and I am nearing the deadline to decide...

 

 

 

 

A wife won't get jealous about one of her daughter's friends if the husband isn't doing something inappropriate. It sounds like she just figured out he was pursuing an incredibly inappropriate (and illegal) relationship. Has he told you why his marriage ended? Pedophilia would be a definite reason for me to end a marriage. And I get that it's no longer illegal but it is still very inappropriate.
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The marriage didn't end for that reason and apparently the girl was eventually allowed back in the house when the ex wife was present....but this was all very weird.

 

 

My gut feeling on this? I can't really judge because as a victim of abuse myself...I think I overreact.

 

 

I tried watching his interaction with the girl recently at a family dinner. She didn't really talk and made very little eye contact. However, the girl did seem socially awkward -- overall.

 

 

Hard to say... but we are having other problems too -as I posted here about an engagement. So -- I am trying to figure out what to do fast. I lived with him and I just left for a couple of days...and I am nearing the deadline to decide...

 

I am not a victim of sexual abuse and no you are not overreacting. Your gut is telling you something and you need to listen very carefully. There are alarm bells going off all over the place with this guy based on this post and the other one. He is very, very, bad news.

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kiss_andmakeup
I do see on FB that this girl has been best friends with his daughter for years... and I know my boyfriend is very close friends with this girl's parents.

 

 

He also says the girl has "confidence issues " and that's why he tries to "prop her up"...

 

 

But, I looked through facebook and saw that she was a swimsuit model a couple of years ago...so while she MAY have confidence issues -- she clearly has an attraction ...

 

 

My boyfriend said he took those girls to starbucks and the mall all the time.. on the weekends while his ex wife was out of town at events.

 

Yeah, nothing fixes "confidence issues" like your friend's creepy dad hitting on you...:sick::sick:

 

I feel bad for his daughter.

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Yeah...and then when I asked him about these issues with the text messages -- he got angry with me for the accusations.

 

 

He answered the questions - but then got mad saying I ruined the night!

 

 

I said I need to ask the questions -- and he asked how to fix the issue. I said there's really nothing to do but stop talking to the girl. He agreed it was "inappropriate" but said it was only because I didn't realize this girl was like family.

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kiss_andmakeup
Yeah...and then when I asked him about these issues with the text messages -- he got angry with me for the accusations.

 

 

He answered the questions - but then got mad saying I ruined the night!

 

 

I said I need to ask the questions -- and he asked how to fix the issue. I said there's really nothing to do but stop talking to the girl. He agreed it was "inappropriate" but said it was only because I didn't realize this girl was like family.

 

Just read your other thread. Why on earth do you want to marry this guy? He sounds like a grade-A douchebag.

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Well, I guess love is crazy.

 

 

I feel that way -- he constantly treats me like crap when he feels I am out of his sight...but when we are together -- things are terrific.

 

Except for the fact that he does have a temper. He has road rage issues etc...

 

 

You are right - as I type this - I realize I sound ridiculous.

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You have a gut instinct?

 

I'd listen to it, if I were you.

 

Too many people try to suppress suspicion and feelings with rational thought and analysis.

 

If you feel something is up - and it has a history - then for goodness' sake, be prepared to pay attention.

 

On another thread I had a gut feeling, checked up and was proved to be right yet you said I had trust issues?

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evanescentworld
On another thread I had a gut feeling, checked up and was proved to be right yet you said I had trust issues?

 

You admitted you had Trust issues.....:confused:

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Well, I guess love is crazy.

 

 

I feel that way -- he constantly treats me like crap when he feels I am out of his sight...but when we are together -- things are terrific.

 

Except for the fact that he does have a temper. He has road rage issues etc...

 

 

You are right - as I type this - I realize I sound ridiculous.

 

I will say this as gently as possible, you need to get in to therapy. You need professional help to figure out why you settle for a person who treats you this way. This guy is bad news, you know this already and still want to plan a future with him. Please end this relationship and get in to counciling for your own sake. This is no way to live and you deserve so much more than what this guy has to offer.

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evanescentworld
On another thread I had a gut feeling, checked up and was proved to be right yet you said I had trust issues?

 

From your thread:

 

From past relationships I do think I've got some kind of anxiety issues yes, how I'm reacting to this might not be normal which is why I joined here. I want people's opinions even if they are brutal.
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He has no business still texting this girl. If what you heard is true, he was all into these 15-year-olds. I'd say it's a big red flag. If she'd agree, you could talk to his wife for more details.

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kiss_andmakeup

OP, you posted a thread in May of this year stating you were married.

 

I understand I deserve major grief here for the information I'm about to disclose, and I actually want to hear the brutal honesty.

 

I have been married for 14 years. We have 2 elementary age kids. I have been on and off miserable in my marriage for at least the last 8 years. My husband is a "man-child" as my therapist describes it.

 

I have remained paralyzed by fear of leaving. At one point he even hurt our child and I still stayed. (therapist called cps on him..at least). I have deep rooted childhood trauma and someone I can't seem to get past it.

 

Over the years I have sought out emotional affairs (in a couple cases physical too)....to try to get myself to LEAVE my husband. I thought that if I got high on someone else, maybe it would help me leave.

 

Well, here I am ...still doing the same thing (definition of insanity)... feeling as if I have fallen for yet another guy....and STILL unable to leave my husband.

 

He actually has improved his behavior but has refused therapy etc. He doesn't beat me or anything...but he is a leach...ruined me financially etc etc. Although, now he is acting more responsibly. We don't have sex etc...and I am not sleeping around now. But, I am in an EA.

 

I just don't know what it will take to get me to see straight! I obviously think I'm going to hell for the horrible life I have been living.

 

I just don't know what to do... I often find that if I end my EA -- I feel safe in "trying again" with my husband. And that will work for a few months...and then he will do something bad again and I will kick myself for repeating this same process.

 

Please help.

link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/479143-boy-did-i-make-mistake

 

Is this still the case?

Edited by kiss_andmakeup
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Yes that is me --this is from my previous marriage.

 

 

Yes, It's pretty clear I jumped from frying pan into the fire.

 

 

I met this new man the week after my divorce was final. We moved very quickly....

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evanescentworld

One advice does not fit all.

 

What's good for you may not be right for someone else.

I'm consistent in that I evaluate each situation on its own merits.

 

We all do that.

 

Please don't derail this thread with off-topic posts.

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Do any of you think that you would buy anything he says about this?

 

 

His ex told a friend of mine...that she was jealous and there was a lot of worry -- but that was not why she left him.

 

 

the issue he had with her...was that she would go out of town a lot and he would go out partying with friends ... staying out until 2 or 3 am with his best friend.

 

 

 

 

He has no business still texting this girl. If what you heard is true, he was all into these 15-year-olds. I'd say it's a big red flag. If she'd agree, you could talk to his wife for more details.
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Do any of you think that you would buy anything he says about this?

 

 

His ex told a friend of mine...that she was jealous and there was a lot of worry -- but that was not why she left him.

 

 

the issue he had with her...was that she would go out of town a lot and he would go out partying with friends ... staying out until 2 or 3 am with his best friend.

 

No, I would not. He is manipulative, controlling, a minimizer, domineering and lacks any form of boundaries. Anything he says is suspect. End this relationship.

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He is manipulative, controlling, a minimizer, domineering and lacks any form of boundaries. Anything he says is suspect. End this relationship.

 

...add to that list, jealous and possessive.

 

He's a keeper... :rolleyes:

 

 

RUN.

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