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Erasing the desire for human companionship?


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If you ever asked me what I've always wanted most out of life, a social circle and a significant other (i.e. girlfriend) have always been at the very top of the list. After 26 years of life, though, I've come to realize that I'm incapable of having these things, these things that I've wanted more than anything in life.

 

The problem is, over time, the desire for these things has gotten so strong and overwhelming, that I'm at a point now where every single second of my life, I feel completely miserable because I'm incapable of having those things. No matter what hobbies or activities I try to distract myself with, I just feel miserable 24/7.

 

Ergo, I want to rid myself of these desires completely. I want to be able to say "I don't want friends, I don't want a significant other", and mean it. I don't want even the tiniest inkling of desire for these things. I want to no longer feel any kind of sexual urges or arousal, as well. I want it all gone, for good.

 

And please, can we skip the "Humans are social creatures by instinct" and "Anything can happen, never say never" discussions? I can say I believe with 100% certainty that I will never have these things in my life. There is no question about that. It's not up for debate.

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Why do you believe this? Is his based on your failure to have relationships or is there some unique reason for your dilemma?

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Why do you believe this? Is his based on your failure to have relationships or is there some unique reason for your dilemma?

 

I guess a bit of both? I consider myself to have a "unique" reason because my inner thoughts and feelings are contradictory and don't make any logical sense. Basically, I've always craved human companionship so badly, but at the same time, I dislike people, I feel no attachment to anyone, I have no empathy or sympathy towards people, and I find people to be obnoxious, annoying, or whatever, to a point where I just have no interest in dealing with them if I don't have to.

 

I've basically always felt this way, this "contradictory" mentality. I'm completely incapable of connecting with people. I've tried forcing myself to connect, I've tried forcing myself to "like" people more, but I just can't get myself to do it.

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I guess a bit of both? I consider myself to have a "unique" reason because my inner thoughts and feelings are contradictory and don't make any logical sense. Basically, I've always craved human companionship so badly, but at the same time, I dislike people, I feel no attachment to anyone, I have no empathy or sympathy towards people, and I find people to be obnoxious, annoying, or whatever, to a point where I just have no interest in dealing with them if I don't have to.

 

I've basically always felt this way, this "contradictory" mentality. I'm completely incapable of connecting with people. I've tried forcing myself to connect, I've tried forcing myself to "like" people more, but I just can't get myself to do it.

 

 

Rather than taking on the life of a cloistered monk, perhaps you should seek professional help? Maybe you are clinically depressed. It could be a brain chemical issue and not a problem of socialization. It may be beyond your control without medical assistance.

 

That said, I would guess that the life of a monk is what you should look to for guidance. There are techniques for dealing with a life of isolation but they are mostly based on faith, so I don't know if this would help in your situation or not. Deep meditation does seem likely to be helpful in either case. It is the only thing that comes to mind where there is training to deal with a solitary life.

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Hm. I've really been much for "faith", especially of the more religious nature.

 

Anyway, I don't have the income to be able to afford "professional help", and I really don't believe in it, anyway. Can't imagine how talking to a "professional" would change anything at all for me.

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Hm. I've really been much for "faith", especially of the more religious nature.

 

Anyway, I don't have the income to be able to afford "professional help", and I really don't believe in it, anyway. Can't imagine how talking to a "professional" would change anything at all for me.

 

There may be services available for people with financial difficulties.

 

You're not a professional so don't expect to know what help might be available. That is why we have experts.

 

It couldn't hurt to try before giving up on the human race. You may be condemning yourself to a life of loneliness and isolation unnecessarily. Give medical science a chance.

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You're not a professional so don't expect to know what help might be available. That is why we have experts.

 

Well, here's a detail I had basically forgotten about until now. A year or so ago, I actually did hit a breaking point and looked into a session with a professional. The problem was, I really had no interest in what said professional had to say. I left with a fake, forced smile, agreeing to get in touch to set up a second session, but I knew in my head I didn't plan on doing that, and I never did.

 

I think in order for that kind of thing to actually be helpful, I'd have to be open to it, I'd have to be willing to listen, absorb everything, and actually give it a chance. But I can't do that, because I don't care what they have to say or suggest, I don't believe in it, and I have no interest in absorbing what said professional has to offer me.

 

Best case scenario, I'd "fake it", I'd lie and tell the professional whatever I think they'd want to hear, while at the same time, disregarding whatever they say when I'm not actually in a session with them. And what good would that do?

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Humans ARE social creatures. That doesn't mean that an individual is dependant on a friend circle and partner, it just means that a human being is more likely to feel better when they see a few members of their species from time to time. Basically if you were the last human being on earth you'd go mad over time.

 

Relationships are optional.

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Well, here's a detail I had basically forgotten about until now. A year or so ago, I actually did hit a breaking point and looked into a session with a professional. The problem was, I really had no interest in what said professional had to say. I left with a fake, forced smile, agreeing to get in touch to set up a second session, but I knew in my head I didn't plan on doing that, and I never did.

 

I think in order for that kind of thing to actually be helpful, I'd have to be open to it, I'd have to be willing to listen, absorb everything, and actually give it a chance. But I can't do that, because I don't care what they have to say or suggest, I don't believe in it, and I have no interest in absorbing what said professional has to offer me.

 

Best case scenario, I'd "fake it", I'd lie and tell the professional whatever I think they'd want to hear, while at the same time, disregarding whatever they say when I'm not actually in a session with them. And what good would that do?

 

No, the BEST case scenario would be to go in with a mindset of "OK, I am very skeptical and don't think this will help me, but I am going to be open and honest and listen and see what happens."

 

By just completely closing yourself off to growth or change of any kind, you are ensuring that your future will be exactly like your past. If you want different things, you have to try different behavior.

 

The other thing is meds. I think I remember before that you said you are anti-med, and I will say the same thing to you that I probably did then. Meds are not a permanent decision. You can try it, see if it makes a difference, and if it doesn't, stop it and you are no worse off than you are now.

 

You aren't going to be able to shut off desire for human connection, I am afraid. Perhaps if you find something else that truly fulfills you and fills you up. That would be the only possible way.

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I guess a bit of both? I consider myself to have a "unique" reason because my inner thoughts and feelings are contradictory and don't make any logical sense. Basically, I've always craved human companionship so badly, but at the same time, I dislike people, I feel no attachment to anyone, I have no empathy or sympathy towards people, and I find people to be obnoxious, annoying, or whatever, to a point where I just have no interest in dealing with them if I don't have to.

Can't say you're alone with these feelings - the very thing you crave is also the very same thing that annoys or disappoints you the most. A common paradox of wanting something badly but knowing that, that something is a double-edged sword.

 

We can't fight what we are, that's a waste of energy, we can learn to accept how we are, our lot in this world. Its small comfort but it is nonetheless an easier option than fighting ourselves.

 

I don't know, perhaps you need to scour the Internet for like-minded souls because despite what you are, you will find some form of kinship among like-minded souls no matter how tenuous it may be.

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todreaminblue
Hm. I've really been much for "faith", especially of the more religious nature.

 

Anyway, I don't have the income to be able to afford "professional help", and I really don't believe in it, anyway. Can't imagine how talking to a "professional" would change anything at all for me.

 

 

why do you think then saying this on loveshack might help you?...what is it you wish to see as an answering post.....deb

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Humans ARE social creatures. That doesn't mean that an individual is dependant on a friend circle and partner, it just means that a human being is more likely to feel better when they see a few members of their species from time to time. Basically if you were the last human being on earth you'd go mad over time.

 

Relationships are optional.

 

If we all were the same, then what would the point be for God putting us here on this planet?

 

Yes, I believe we are naturally inclined to pursue mates and procreate...how else would we survive as a species? But look at dogs...why do you think they have litters of puppies? Cuz of their high mortality rate. I mean, they, without being domesticated, can die from worms, infections, fleas, starvation...So, out of that litter many will die.

 

That's how I feel about me. My mum got enough grandkids...I don't need to give her anymore and the world will be just fine.

 

I have social interactions, but it has to be at my comfort level. Same with relationships...

 

It "is" a struggle, cuz the majority of people aren't like me...but I'm not changing. I've had and have moments like the OP, where I ponder if I have a place in this world, if something's "wrong" with me...but I get over it and carry on.

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Basically if you were the last human being on earth you'd go mad over time.

 

Relationships are optional.

 

 

Yeah, well, that's just, like, your opinion, man

 

 

This would be the rug... I mean dream.

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Humans ARE social creatures. That doesn't mean that an individual is dependant on a friend circle and partner, it just means that a human being is more likely to feel better when they see a few members of their species from time to time. Basically if you were the last human being on earth you'd go mad over time.

 

It "drives me mad", though, to constantly be around people but be completely incapable of connecting with them, while observing them have their own friendships and romantic pursuits. Often times, I feel like I'm just a "ghost" floating along, seeing everyone connect with each other, while being unable to take part in that, myself, and it really upsets me.

 

No, the BEST case scenario would be to go in with a mindset of "OK, I am very skeptical and don't think this will help me, but I am going to be open and honest and listen and see what happens."

 

By just completely closing yourself off to growth or change of any kind, you are ensuring that your future will be exactly like your past. If you want different things, you have to try different behavior.

 

Right, that's what I'm saying. I don't want to bother with therapy because I know I can't get myself into the right mindset for it. I know I should think about it the way you described, but that's not how I actually approach it.

 

I don't know, perhaps you need to scour the Internet for like-minded souls because despite what you are, you will find some form of kinship among like-minded souls no matter how tenuous it may be.

 

Sad as it sounds, the only "friends" I've had over the last 14-15 years are online forums and stuff that pertain to my interests. The problem is, it seems like such forums are frequently bogged down with "trolls" and other obnoxious people that just try to rile everyone else up, and after a decade-and-a-half of that being my only real human connection, I'm just exhausted from that, and I'm losing the interest to even connect with people online because of it.

 

why do you think then saying this on loveshack might help you?...what is it you wish to see as an answering post.....deb

 

I have no idea. I just... I'm so miserable, all of the time, and I just want it all to go away, but I can't get away from it. I fear that it will eventually drive me somewhere dark, somewhere I can't "come back" from, and that scares me.

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It "drives me mad", though, to constantly be around people but be completely incapable of connecting with them, while observing them have their own friendships and romantic pursuits. Often times, I feel like I'm just a "ghost" floating along, seeing everyone connect with each other, while being unable to take part in that, myself, and it really upsets me..

Understand this although loneliness is a more common feeling that arises from this circumstance than annoyance in my experience. Always on the outside looking in, that's a tough and lonesome place to be. The relative peacefulness of one's own company a respite from the hoards of people so near, yet so far.

 

Can't offer you anything other than an understanding that there are many people, unfortunately, who live in similar circumstances. Maybe you can research or tap into what keeps some of them going.

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Desires for sex and friendship are not going anywhere. Sex drive may decrease over the years, but yearning for friendship is there to stay.

 

 

I know what isolation feels like, and it is a painful feeling, especially when you have desires that go unfulfilled.

 

 

I also know what it feels like to not be able to form friendships due to lack of commonality. Over the years I have been trying to fake being more outgoing, which has lead to some improvements in my life, but it feels so ersatz and awkward lol.

 

 

I don't know what to recommend, and I totally agree that therapy and medicine is a waste of time. The only benefit one receives from a therapist is being able to vent at the end of the week.

 

 

Many of great men went out alone, or had the same problems you are experiencing.

 

 

All you can really do is try to change, but it's so hard, because of all your past experiences/past/personality.

 

 

Good luck.

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I've been trying to "change" the way my mind works for a long time, to no avail. I'm just so frustrated having these feelings and desires, and having to just be forever on the outside looking in. Like I said, I've gotten to a point now where I just constantly feel miserable, and nothing truly takes my mind off of it. There's no reprieve, and I'm not sure how much longer I can take it. u_u

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You sound disordered to me, ****. There are tons of good, fun and interesting people all over the place, I've met many of them. You just sound super negative and judgmental, like a self-fulfilling prophecy type deal, frankly. The sort of person who is so in love with their own misery that it basically c*ckblocks them from feeling love for other people. And feeling so detached and set apart from others is a pretty common symptom of things like Aspergers' Syndrome, Schizoid Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Psychopaths, and then mood disorders involving dysphoria.

 

Point Blank: The world is full of awesome people, and bonding is a natural thing in mentally/emotionally healthy humans, so if you perceive people as obnoxious and otherwise negative, feel detached and set apart all the time, conflicted, etc then Friendly News Flash: you've got some issues to be worked on. But if you'd rather wallow in despair and agitation then by all means it's your life and your choice. But that's the deal, there is no Option C where you go through life totally numb, unless you want a hardcore substance abuse problem, but I don't recommend it. Anyway if you think seeking professional help would be a big huge waste of time then you probably just want to wallow. And again it's your choice.

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You sound disordered to me, ****. There are tons of good, fun and interesting people all over the place, I've met many of them. You just sound super negative and judgmental, like a self-fulfilling prophecy type deal, frankly. The sort of person who is so in love with their own misery that it basically c*ckblocks them from feeling love for other people. And feeling so detached and set apart from others is a pretty common symptom of things like Aspergers' Syndrome, Schizoid Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Psychopaths, and then mood disorders involving dysphoria.

 

Point Blank: The world is full of awesome people, and bonding is a natural thing in mentally/emotionally healthy humans, so if you perceive people as obnoxious and otherwise negative, feel detached and set apart all the time, conflicted, etc then Friendly News Flash: you've got some issues to be worked on. But if you'd rather wallow in despair and agitation then by all means it's your life and your choice. But that's the deal, there is no Option C where you go through life totally numb, unless you want a hardcore substance abuse problem, but I don't recommend it. Anyway if you think seeking professional help would be a big huge waste of time then you probably just want to wallow. And again it's your choice.

 

Yeah, and that terrifies me. It makes me hurt so much to think that I'm probably that screwed up in the head. It makes me hurt knowing that I can't get myself to feel anything for other people. It scares me. It makes me feel hopeless.

 

And if I'm really that screwed up in the head, is there really any hope for me? I mean, how often does someone that's as screwed up as me go to therapy and manage to bounce back and live a normal, happy, healthy life after the fact? It seems far more likely, to me, that therapy and/ or meds would simply become a crutch to carry me through the rest of my life without anything actually changing in my life. And what good would that do?

 

Not only that, but if I am really that screwed up, would a budget friendly "bargain bin" professional that's affordable enough for me even be able to help me? Seems like I'd need top of the line help to really get anywhere, and again, I simply can't afford that luxury. Why waste time and money on a therapist or psychologist or whatever that isn't skilled or qualified enough to actually help me?

 

I'm not purposely trying to wallow. I just can't see a way out of this misery, because it's all because of my screwed up head. I feel weak and powerless, and I don't have even the slightest bit of faith that anything at all can help me. Part of me just wants to be put out of my misery, because I just can't see another way out.

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I'm sure this may seem like nitpicking to you and others, but sometimes the most basic things say who you are. You chose the name "Inflikted" for yourself on this board. It is an extremely negative, unhealthy sounding name, and you chose it. Now, maybe it's that old band. If so, it's too old a band for anyone to pick up on the reference. You've sort of sealed your own fate by presenting yourself as someone sad and incurable. I have to believe you're doing the same thing in your daily life if you're doing it for no good reason on an internet forum.

 

Just something to think about. You say you're all about love, but all signs point to you're all about defeat and negativity.

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I'm sure this may seem like nitpicking to you and others, but sometimes the most basic things say who you are. You chose the name "Inflikted" for yourself on this board. It is an extremely negative, unhealthy sounding name, and you chose it. Now, maybe it's that old band. If so, it's too old a band for anyone to pick up on the reference. You've sort of sealed your own fate by presenting yourself as someone sad and incurable. I have to believe you're doing the same thing in your daily life if you're doing it for no good reason on an internet forum.

 

Yes, my user name choice was musically influenced. Honestly, I didn't really think much of it at the time when I picked it.

 

I don't deny that I'm, in general, a "sad" person that doesn't feel there's any hope for something better for myself. But what does that really matter? I came to that conclusion after years of being unable to connect with people.

 

Just something to think about. You say you're all about love, but all signs point to you're all about defeat and negativity.

 

I'm not sure I get what you're saying. Yes, my deepest desires are to have relationships with people, both platonic and romantic. Yes, I've become a bitter, negative, defeated person after a number of years. I don't see how one invalidates the other.

 

Either way, I don't really understand the relevance to the topic at hand. I want a happy, healthy, normal social life, I want friends, I want a significant other. But at the same time, I dislike people, I lack empathy/ sympathy, and I can't connect with anyone at all. Leaving me stuck in a constant state of misery. Yes, I know it's all my fault. But my head is so incredibly screwed up that I just can't see any way out of all of this that leads to a happy ending for myself.

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You know what else drives me crazy? I'm so desperate to have people in my life, that I'm often compelled to use forums like these in an unhealthy way just to feel like I have someone to talk to. It really never fails, with me... Even now, I'm perpetuating that behavior by responding to my own topic yet again, trying desperately to keep it alive in hopes that people will continue discussing things with me.

 

And at the same time, I don't know what I expect. I'm so messed up in the head and so incapable of change, that I just run around in circles and people inevitably get bored and/ or annoyed with me and stop responding. Then I feel sad and lonely, but I give up on my own posts for a few weeks, then the loneliness and sadness comes rushing back, and I make a new topic and start the cycle all over.

 

For me, this kind of thing is as close to social interaction as I can manage to get, and that's very sad, to me. But I just can't dig myself out of it. I've tried so hard to spend yesterday and today just distracting myself with activities, but at the end of the day, that pain in my heart just wins out over any other thought or feeling, and I find myself sitting here, feeling miserable, like I always do, wishing someone would keep enabling me, because that's the only kind of "social interaction" I can seem to facilitate.

 

I'm sitting here, staring at my computer screen, desperate for any kind of interaction with someone. Sitting here thinking about the things I could've been doing this weekend, were I a normal, functioning human being that had friends and some kind of social life. Sitting here thinking about how I'm going to spend the remainder of my life trapped in this miserable, lonely cycle, never knowing true friendship, never knowing love, romance, or intimacy... Sitting here thinking about all the things I'm going to miss out on in my life, all because I'm so screwed up in the head, so pathetic and weak.

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Well, you're smart enough to know what you need, that's half the battle won but whether you want to win the war and follow through on this knowledge, who knows!

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