redvelvet Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 (edited) Hi Having a slight dilemma at the moment .. My boyfriend of 2 years gets easily smothered and scared of commitment, last week he was telling me how much he loved me and this week he told me that he doesn't want me to throw myself onto him. He went out with his friends on friday and I saw him the next day, he went onto tell me that he is upset with how much of our relationship is posted over social media and how every one tells him "she always posts photos of you" .. "well if we ever want to know where you are we'll just check her instagram" .. but to me that just sounds like general lad banter??? Maybe he just couldn't deal with the banter because it damaged his male macho persona. He told me he hates that his friends "think he's a sap". I know you will all think "oh well you're probably just being really clingy" ... I'd admit if I was guys, I maybe send a few more texts than I should but this isn't neediness. He then goes onto say to me "I want to be with someone who acts like they're on crack all the time, not literally, but I want you to be happy all the time I don't want to be around someone who cries" .. I cried on thursday evening but he HATES negativity, in any form. He went onto say "maybe you just like me more than I like you and that scares me, I don't want to settle down now I just want to have fun and not be serious about things" ... "You need to stop posting things on social media because it makes me out to be a sap and that isn't who I am" ... "it makes me scared of upsetting you because I know it will really break your heart if we're not together any more" And can I just add loveshack community ... I haven't said ANYTHING or acted any differently to make him suddenly come out with this ... Which is why I think it's this obvious banter his mates had with him on friday and instead of taking his anger out on them I think he's just taking it out on me because he thinks it's my fault .. I was just minding my own business He did go out and buy my christmas present yesterday though as he text me to ask what size top I am... So he can't be feeling that awful. I was supposed to go to the pub last night with my friends to see his band play a few songs, but he didn't want me to go as he was worried I'd be all 'sappy and lovey' towards him infront of his friends. I just answered back saying why would I when I'm going to be with my friends. I totally understand not posting our relationship over social media would make things a lot simpler as people wouldn't have anything to comment on, and anyway a relationship should be between 2 people and it should be private. I dunno I just kind of feel like his ego is hurt and he is taking it out on me, it's just so sudden. He was just throwing all of these accusations like telling me how I feel instead of letting me say how I feel. He says he wants us both to be mature about this... but I really don't think the way he's acting is that mature. So many stupid things. I guess he's just got to retreat into his man cave to lick his wounds. Edited December 22, 2014 by redvelvet Link to post Share on other sites
Author redvelvet Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 I mean who says "I want to be with someone who acts like they're on crack"? What. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 He doesn't want to be committed to you, he said you like him more than he likes you and he doesn't want to be serious. He is telling you to stop posting pics of him over social media, he doesn't want you to be there when he is playing in his band, and he doesn't want to upset you when he dumps you. I am afraid he is telling you that your exclusive gf/bf thing is over, and he, I guess, wants to start playing the field and you are cramping his style. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author redvelvet Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 He doesn't want to be committed to you, he said you like him more than he likes you and he doesn't want to be serious. He is telling you to stop posting pics of him over social media, he doesn't want you to be there when he is playing in his band, and he doesn't want to upset you when he dumps you. I am afraid he is telling you that your exclusive gf/bf thing is over, and he, I guess, wants to start playing the field and you are cramping his style. Fair enough, but I already asked him "well okay it sounds like you don't want to be with me, are you still happy with me being your girlfriend?" He said "You don't understand you're just being silly, and of course" Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 I think your relationship is coming to an end, but he doesn't want to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redvelvet Posted December 22, 2014 Author Share Posted December 22, 2014 I think your relationship is coming to an end, but he doesn't want to you. Well why has he said that the times we have together are fun and that he's happy with having me as a girlfriend, he said he just feels things are too serious and they need to cool down. Why also else would he bother buying me a Christmas present? - which I've seen! I think if you were going to break up with someone, wasting money on a present is the last thing that would be on your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Well why has he said that the times we have together are fun and that he's happy with having me as a girlfriend, he said he just feels things are too serious and they need to cool down. Why also else would he bother buying me a Christmas present? - which I've seen! I think if you were going to break up with someone, wasting money on a present is the last thing that would be on your mind. Buying you a Xmas present it doesn't mean "I love you", "I am committed to you" It may mean "I am not that into you, but the sex is good so I will keep you sweet till I find someone else." After two years and he is saying you can't come and see him playing in his band, he tells you to stop putting stuff on social media about him, he tells you this not serious, he doesn't want to settle down and he doesn't want to commit and " "it makes me scared of upsetting you because I know it will really break your heart if we're not together any more" - then you need to ask yourself why are you sticking around? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 ...and from another thread you posted - "My boyfriend has random outbursts of being stand off ish ALL THE TIME." He is telling you something here. The writing is on the wall, I am afraid. Get out while you still have your dignity, is my advice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 he wants to be around a person who is happy all the time well that aint reality......people get sad or they should......unless they are on constant medication ......my mum is on anti depressants and she hardly ever cries anymore......the fact is she still does on occasion..... he doesnt love you for who you are.....i dont think its fair you have to hide who you really are or how you really feel to please him.......thats not right...to me that isnt love....sad in itself...deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 At the very least stop posting pictures of you two. Why are you crying all the time? If you have legit reasons, he's a jerk. If you cry at the slightest provocation, perhaps he has a point. Not that you should be happy all the time just to please him but what is making you so emotional? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
most_distant_galaxy Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 He said that you like him more than he likes you? This would annoy me the most. I can't imagine being with someone who feels that way about me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 (edited) He wants to keep you around for sex/companionship but only when it's convenient for him. He likes you, but only when you are happy and content. He isn't interested in your deeper emotions. He doesn't care what you are upset about and doesn't want to hear it. When he expresses his true feelings through actions or words- he doesn't want you at the concert, you love him more than he loves you- you get upset. He doesn't want to have to deal with any concerns you have or negative emotions from you. So he smooths it over by telling you what you want to hear or buying you a present. This sends you mixed messages and is why you are confused. He enjoys the one on one time you spend together as long as you are meeting his needs (being happy, entertaining, fun). He isn't emotionally invested enough to share his love with the world, or to tell his friends to mind their own business. You are like a FWB, but he calls you his GF so that he doesn't have to share you. He is clearly showing that he is not very emotionally invested in you. Instead of loving you for you- he is trying to mold you into his perfect girl for this time in his life. A girl that doesn't complain, doesn't embarrass him, doesn't express her feelings, stays home on command and always has his wants/needs/comfort in mind. It sounds like the list of qualities that a married guy expects from his mistress. You deserve better. If you are looking for a serious relationship with someone who is committed to you and who cares about your feelings, this is not the one. He is keeping you hooked with his intermittent attention and affection (given at his convenience only), but it's unreliable and inconsistent. You need someone you can depend on. And it's just unattractive and weak that he is using his friends as a reason to tell you that you are overdoing it on social media. If what he said about his friends is true, he needs to tell his friends that they need to not concern themselves with your social media. My guess is that HE himself doesn't want you putting your relationship out there like that, but is blaming it on his friends because he doesn't want to deal with your emotions. Coward. You are ignoring what this man has clearly told you- he doesn't want anything serious, you love him more than he does you- and focusing on his friends, thinking that he really does love you and is just too embarrassed to show it around his friends. I see women make these assumptions a lot, thinking that the guy really does love her but is just too shy, or too embarrassed of his feelings, or fears rejection, or is just being "hard" for his friends. Then they wait around, thinking he will eventually have an epiphany and realize they are the one for him. It doesn't happen like that. When a guy genuinely loves you, he wants you at his concerts. He's proud of you. He cares when you're upset. If his friends talk about you, he sticks up for you (and doesn't side with them). I think you are wasting your time with this guy. Edited December 22, 2014 by Quiet Storm 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CALOVELY Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 He keeps your around on the back burner "in case". Leave him and find someone who only wants you. When you find that guy, stop posting every detail about your relationship on social media. It is off putting. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 Watch "Women stop lying to yourselves" Link to post Share on other sites
apedrerov Posted December 22, 2014 Share Posted December 22, 2014 All I can say is WTF. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redvelvet Posted December 24, 2014 Author Share Posted December 24, 2014 He wants to keep you around for sex/companionship but only when it's convenient for him. He likes you, but only when you are happy and content. He isn't interested in your deeper emotions. He doesn't care what you are upset about and doesn't want to hear it. When he expresses his true feelings through actions or words- he doesn't want you at the concert, you love him more than he loves you- you get upset. He doesn't want to have to deal with any concerns you have or negative emotions from you. So he smooths it over by telling you what you want to hear or buying you a present. This sends you mixed messages and is why you are confused. He enjoys the one on one time you spend together as long as you are meeting his needs (being happy, entertaining, fun). He isn't emotionally invested enough to share his love with the world, or to tell his friends to mind their own business. You are like a FWB, but he calls you his GF so that he doesn't have to share you. He is clearly showing that he is not very emotionally invested in you. Instead of loving you for you- he is trying to mold you into his perfect girl for this time in his life. A girl that doesn't complain, doesn't embarrass him, doesn't express her feelings, stays home on command and always has his wants/needs/comfort in mind. It sounds like the list of qualities that a married guy expects from his mistress. You deserve better. If you are looking for a serious relationship with someone who is committed to you and who cares about your feelings, this is not the one. He is keeping you hooked with his intermittent attention and affection (given at his convenience only), but it's unreliable and inconsistent. You need someone you can depend on. And it's just unattractive and weak that he is using his friends as a reason to tell you that you are overdoing it on social media. If what he said about his friends is true, he needs to tell his friends that they need to not concern themselves with your social media. My guess is that HE himself doesn't want you putting your relationship out there like that, but is blaming it on his friends because he doesn't want to deal with your emotions. Coward. You are ignoring what this man has clearly told you- he doesn't want anything serious, you love him more than he does you- and focusing on his friends, thinking that he really does love you and is just too embarrassed to show it around his friends. I see women make these assumptions a lot, thinking that the guy really does love her but is just too shy, or too embarrassed of his feelings, or fears rejection, or is just being "hard" for his friends. Then they wait around, thinking he will eventually have an epiphany and realize they are the one for him. It doesn't happen like that. When a guy genuinely loves you, he wants you at his concerts. He's proud of you. He cares when you're upset. If his friends talk about you, he sticks up for you (and doesn't side with them). I think you are wasting your time with this guy. Quiet Storm, thank you. You are spot on. Literally I needed to read this. I just sat reading it nodding to everything you said. He was a virgin when I met him lol I don't know how he's turned into such a jerk... But I personally like the part where you said "You are like a FWB, but he calls you his GF so that he doesn't have to share you." I was thinking this myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author redvelvet Posted December 24, 2014 Author Share Posted December 24, 2014 All I can say is WTF. Would you care to elaborate? Link to post Share on other sites
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