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Dear Lady Disdain

Hi there, I'm posting here hoping somebody can identify or help, I can't stop worrying about this...I feel like just running away from it all!

 

I grew up in a dysfunctional family in which I was in a nutshell family scapegoat and I got into the habit of thinking of myself as second best and even shaming myself by talking badly of myself in front of family members, I am currently in recovery for this

 

A few weeks ago a new colleague joined the company, a young man, fourteen years younger than myself and on our first meeting a part of me recognised he had no boundaries. He asked if I was happy growing up, I said no but didn't elaborate and then asked whether I thought a colleague was " controlled " by her husband which I said I didn't feel comfortable discussing. He made an attempt to bond fast by getting personal actually asking my starsign and stuff, saying he wouldn't have lunch with somebody he didn't like and saying he liked me. He also told me a lot of his problems and I listened and fell into the pattern of rescuing him I guess a bit

 

Then I made a mistake of asking for a guest pass for his gym and going to the sauna and the jacuzzi, I didn't think we were going in together but we met in there briefly and stuff and we've had lunch a few times

 

He had started coming up to my desk all the time to ask what I was doing that evening, often invited me for lunch, took my phone number, texted me but now is in a huff...I guess these were signals he liked me which I was flattered by but couldn't believe he'd really like me because of my age and because he flirted with other girls. Other team members noticed a spark between us and there was major eye contact

 

I started to really like him but as he was much younger than me didn't think he liked me. Now a few week's later, it is obvious he is a flirter and he flirts with anybody, especially my younger, very pretty and witty female colleague. Anyway due to my upbringing, I'm a bit sensitive to the " three's a crowd " thing and it's getting to me, this three thing, let me elaborate:

 

1) he frequently calls me by the younger girl's name which is a bit odd

2) he slagged off the younger girl to me for her " bossiness" however to her face he really sucks up calling her perfect, wonderful etc

3) they have now started really flirting with eachother though she is married

 

The other day felt like the last straw to me. Mentioned to him I would like to go the gym again if that's okay ( before he started flirting with the other girl ) and then he texted after flirting with me at the office party ( putting his arm around my waist etc ) that he had a pass and I could go with him the next day. A part of me no longer felt safe going because of what was going on in the office and I said I wasn't free, I was going out that evening but could go the next week. I also felt so inferior and ashamed by everything I felt like I should go to my support group and didn't feel able to go anywhere with him

 

The next day he was sulking and in a mood I guess because of the gym I guessed, annoyed because I said I was going to a Christmas do instead ( didn't want to say I was going to support group ) and very grumpy towards me. I felt really ashamed and fell into my old pattern of feeling inferior and putting myself second best, didn't even want to speak. The copier broke and I couldn't fix it and said I was very unpractical ( putting myself down, which I used to do when I was scapegoat ) and saw him and this girl exchange looks about me and kind of raise their eyebrows

 

I feel like he's slagging her off to me and me off to her. And he is very moody around me. She is very competitive and quite bitchy at times. She is horrible to him sometimes but he still sucks up. And now the flirting and the witty banter is bringing up all my feelings of inferiority!

 

On the last day last week he said to her he'd really miss her, his partner in crime as she was off, I feel like my company is not good enough. I no longer feel like going to the gym but at the same time I do want to go as I want him to want me and I want some male company

 

To make matters worse, when I met him I was ending things with another male I met who was quite narcissistic and a misogynist and flirted with other women in front of me and said how great other women were all the time and now I feel I have leapt from frying pan into the fire

 

The workplace is like a mini family and when my shame comes up I don't want to speak and everyone can see it and feel it and I feel so worthless..

 

Please help, many thanks DLD x

Edited by Dear Lady Disdain
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OH dear,

 

Well, not good to poop where you eat. Cuz, regardless of the issues/circumstances you mentioned (i.e. the age gap). When relationships fizzle in the workplace it creates too many problems and drama.

 

Look, IMO, it's normal for guys to have a fling here or there with an older woman. I mean, there's a novelty I guess. There's the excitement of being with someone "experienced" and who knows what she wants....

 

But,

 

At the end of the day, that younger guy will pretty much chuck you to continue with his life. One day he may want kids, a wife, and all that and with the age gap that will be an issue. I think men naturally prefer a younger woman than them (no, not the 10 year or more age gap....like 2, 3 or so years younger) cuz men naturally are looking for "fertility" and they will have that with a younger woman.

 

Also, while we older chicks often look better cuz we work harder on our bodies - while younger chicks often rely on metabolism - at the end of the day, they have smoother skin, less wrinkles and perkier boobies than us older chicks.

 

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/05/12/article-2323557-19BEF09B000005DC-646_306x732.jpg

 

So, just chalk it up to a flattering experience...

 

Good luck.

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Dear Lady Disdain

Hey thanks Gloria for your positive response about it being flattering, I guess that's true! But I just feel guilty idiotically about him flattering me and me not giving back anything in return as weird as that sounds and I'm afraid he'll punish me by being sulky and moody in the workplace

 

I normally prefer older men or men my age, however I have met another young man in my last workplace too, sigh was congratulating myself here on not making the same mistake but suddenly was " in it "

 

The other younger man I met clearly wanted a fling which I wasn't willing to give him and sulked afterwards

 

Yes that's the thing, this man wouldn't want anything serious, however he keeps stressing how serious minded he is, how broody he is and how he wants babies and how his mum is ten years older than his dad!

 

So it's all pretty weird..............?

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Try not to measure yourself according to what others think of you.

 

Always and everywhere, be true to yourself, and your own nature.

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Hey thanks Gloria for your positive response about it being flattering, I guess that's true! But I just feel guilty idiotically about him flattering me and me not giving back anything in return as weird as that sounds and I'm afraid he'll punish me by being sulky and moody in the workplace

 

I normally prefer older men or men my age, however I have met another young man in my last workplace too, sigh was congratulating myself here on not making the same mistake but suddenly was " in it "

 

The other younger man I met clearly wanted a fling which I wasn't willing to give him and sulked afterwards

 

Yes that's the thing, this man wouldn't want anything serious, however he keeps stressing how serious minded he is, how broody he is and how he wants babies and how his mum is ten years older than his dad!

 

So it's all pretty weird..............?

 

Well, some men are ok with long term stuff with older women - but I still see it fizzziling one day.

 

I mean, the ID show I was talking about in a recent thread. She was like a decade older than him, hot face/body, ambitious, the power-house if you will in the RL. But, it's like she had to "push" him to do everything and after three kids - he grew tired of "mommy" and killed her. Cuz, with that age gap, he just wanted to be a "young guy" and she all she wanted to do was to settle down and "nest".

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Dear Lady Disdain

I agree with you Gloria...I just find it all a bit mystifying though that he's giving me these signs, still flirts heavily with me but also makes it clear he has great interest in others and sulks if I don't do what he wants

 

He's just the same as the guy I met before who used to tell me about all the other women he had feelings for yet gave me signs he liked me and was angry when I distanced myself to protect myself

 

Thank god not all the men I've met have been the same!!!! But this one and the last one seem to have had this attitude that whatever they do for me I must be eternally grateful for it and if I'm by chance a bit too busy for them or I cannot be there on call, sulk or talk about some other chick they're really into!

 

I think that any younger man I met really ( I mean ten years or more younger ) must be looking for a MILF LOL, that's not really my bag at all, I'm into older men normally and more traditional romance, that's why I think it could NEVER work between us really! He is probably just looking for a bit of fun.........I aint no cougar haha

 

In fact that is another reason I haven't flirted or pursued him more, I don't want to look like a dirty old woman LOL, I'd feel ashamed, I'm looking for love...so that's why I haven't really reciprocated very much, I just didn't think he'd go into a huff about it!!

 

At first I convinced myself it could be fun to have a fling and I'd enjoy it but now I just think it'd be embarrassing especially because of my age and him flirting heavily with the other woman in the office....

Edited by Dear Lady Disdain
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Dear Lady Disdain

To add on a bit more if I may, what is also making me feel bad is me not being professional in the workplace...I didn't really wish the girl a happy Christmas properly because I saw her exchanging looks about me with this person and I think the guy has a game plan, now that he knows this girl is about to be promoted to our manager, he is sucking up...are such game plans and ploys possible? !

 

I couldn't believe it when a friend suggested it, it has now made me paranoid that the two of them may gang up against me, god I hope that this whole thing blows over, I've never worked in a workplace like a mini family before

 

Just the other day, I said I didn't like some wrapping paper this girl had bought, that I found it a bit " Laura Ashley " and flowery ( my opinion ) and the guy " jokingly " said it was outrageous and I shouldn't be mocking my colleague's taste! It's all just becoming a bit weird

 

My friend also thinks he is deliberately calling me by her name as well and playing games, now I call him the Joker in the pack who has infiltrated the office, I just don't feel that safe there anymore! He seems to often tell me off too...for example when I pointed at somebody in the street he said " don't point! " and kinda grabbed my arm a little, as if I was a young child! I guess I've got to learn to set some boundaries here.......

Edited by Dear Lady Disdain
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