Confrontation with another couple we know. Did i do the right thing?

[haps6]

Hi all,

 

I came here for other peoples take on a situation i have found myself in. I went to college with this girl and over the years we stayed in touch every now and then but never got together, although we kept saying we would. Eventually one day we made plans, and by this point we were both married and had spouses, so we arranged a double dinner date.

 

Our spouses got on well, and for the best part of the next 8 or 9 months we would get together a lot. Her spouse even got my spouse a job at his company, and it was a great opportunity for my husband. However, a few months after this I noticed certain aspects of their personalities starting to show that i hadn't seen before. For example, they were very keen to constantly get together, and say after a night at their place until 4am in the morning on a friday, they asked us to hang out again on saturday night, and this was every weekend.

 

My husband and i starting to get a little burnt out on hanging out every weekend and we started to say politely that we had plans, or wanted to have a night in. I do love to get together with friends, but no matter who you are i do find every weekend a little relentless. They also like to drink a lot. Nothing wrong with that, but when we would go to their place for the evening the husband would constantly be like oh why aren't you drinking? Why don't you drink much seems i am not much of a drinker, and this started to bother me. I didn't understand what the big deal was if i don't drink like they do, and at times he could be pretty aggressive about it in his approach. It also got to the point where if they were going out for the evening somewhere and we didn't have the money to go seems we have rent etc, and can't be spending every weekend they would say oh it is only this much, or we will pay for you. I know people will probably read this and think that sounds very nice of them and it is, but it started to become across very pushy and smothering.

 

So we distanced ourself a little from them, and one particular night after not seeing them for a few months we went to one of their house parties they invited us to. The girls husband got totally wasted and started to act like a complete idiot. He made a few comments during the night about how i don't drink much, and it upset me that my husband heard a few and didn't say anything. I know it sounds really petty for me to get so upset about it, but it makes me feel uncomfortable when i am in someone else's house and they are constantly getting onto me about something i don't do which they do and don't understand. It starts to feel like an interrogation rather than a good time, and i instantly thought to myself i wish we had never come, and i should of stuck with my gut feeling of distancing ourself from this couple.

 

So i went outside and started to cry, i know this sounds petty, but it just upset me, and another guy who had been at the party who i had never met before came out and said what is wrong, and i guess seeing a girl crying hugged me. One of the other guys saw this, and told everyone else inside the party the guy was coming onto me, and of course the girls spouse was at the forefront telling the guy it was messed up he hugged me etc....and basically made the guy feel so uncomfortable that he left. I really think the husband thrives on drama.

 

So as it came to the end of the night, one of the couples who were leaving were looking for their keys. They came into the kitchen and said have you seen a set of keys, and the only other people in the kitchen were the husband as he was making a drink, and me as i was grabbing another drink. Her husband said "Oh (my name) probably took them, she can be an ******** and a ***** sometimes." I just glared at him and looked at the couple who looked confused as to why he said it and felt awkward, and then they left." It took everything in me not to say something, but being the person i am i do not like making scenes or bad feeling, it is just who i am.

 

So the next day i text the girl and said it was not okay what he did and the names he called me, and my husband spoke to him at work also saying he had upset me. He said to my husband well i don't call other girls on the phone but tell her i am sorry. (Him and his spouse have this agreement where they do everything together, and he isn't allowed to go to bars with other guys). I thought this was a complete cop out. He isn't allowed to call YOUR friend an apologize for his behaviour because i am a girl? I just find it all very school like behaviour. She also kind of played off his behaviour like it was nothing. She said the name calling is just his personality and sense of humour. Am i the only person who thinks this is totally disrespectful? It may be different in another situation, but it wasn't a friendly joke, his tone and everything was very arrogant.

 

After this i said that is it, i am not going to their house again for parties and putting myself in those situations anymore. I think we had one time after this where we went to pictures with them, but me and him didn't really speak, and it just seemed awkward. After that, they extended invites to us most weekends for parties, which we politely declined or said we were busy.

 

I remember one time i sent her a text message explaining to her that i just miscarried (sadly this happened to me around christmas time last year) and we were just getting over this and didn't feel like going out. She never even bothered to reply to it. I couldn't believe it. Wouldn't a true friend ask if they could do anything for you/ask if you want to talk about it? Not ignore you because you couldn't make it to their house party?

 

So since last christmas we haven't seen them at all, and have barely spoken to them. We are still friends on Facebook, and my husband seems her husband at work, and on the rare occasions she has commented on Facebook i will reply to her or like it to be courteous, but that is about it. It has gotten to the point now where sometimes when she has text about parties (although they don't invite us much anymore), i haven't replied or have said we are busy. They just moved house recently, and are having a housewarming party this weekend. They invited us via one of those event creator pages on Facebook, but our husbands work requires a lot of travel, and on wednesday i went on the page and said i don't think we could make it seems he is away for work.

 

Her husband works at the same company, and obviously knows all the guys schedules and where they are, and my husband just got told yesterday that the job is over and is coming home today and will be back this afternoon. Now bearing in mind her husband never says a word to me (unless it appears to be a snarky comment), he also has liked a few things i have said on Facebook and then unlikes them right away (very odd), he comes on the page and says "Who is away for work, i thought they were back today," i guess he was trying to make a point that we could go to the party seems my husband isn't away anymore. So i went back and said "I wrote that post on wednesday, and they just found out yesterday the job is over, but i can't make it as i have other plans, but i hope you have fun." So then he comes back and says "Is (my husbands name) still coming though, i will text him and ask him," with a smiley face at the end. So i went back and said "Yeah go ahead and ask him," and also put a smiley face at the end of my comment. Now obviously his wife is going to stick by him, so she doesn't make direct comments like he does, but she will like comments he makes.

 

I know this all sounds very petty, and it really is if you read the story, but i am so sick and tired of this, we are in our mid 20's for christ sakes, and I am not the kind of person to instigate drama, and i don't like confrontation, but i am so sick of people who seem to be out to cause trouble and stir up things. I wasn't going to respond to him because i usually just think you obviously have a problem and just ignore him, but i am so tired of everyone saying whatever the hell they want while i try and keep the peace. I have also felt awkward seems my husband works with him, and i don't want work drama starting between them, but i guess i am at the point now where i think life is too short to have people in it that are not real friends and constantly make comments and drama. So with that, i took him off my Facebook. Do you think i made the right decision in this situation? I have left his wife on my friends list seems she hasn't really said anything directly to me. I know most people think it is Facebook who cares, but seems these comments happened on Facebook i figured if i removed him as my friend they could never occur again in the future, and i guess his wife can remove me if she feels she needs to.

 

So my question is do you think i made the right decision by trying to cut out the negativity, or do you think i have made the situation worse unfriending him? I just want genuine grown up friends, not all the drama!

[Gloria25]

That's why I limit my contact with people I work with and my neighbors....cuz, at some point they are gonna act the fool and you're gonna have to make tough decisions - yet see their face every day at work or around the hood.

 

A gf of mine had a neighbor that kept on trying to be friends with her. One day she invited the woman over and the woman pretty much said that my gf's furniture was 'too plain' for her. Bych was lucky it wasn't me cuz I would have shown her the door. Mind you, my gf has waaay more expensive furniture than me.

 

I don't have time to play these petty games with people. That's one reason that my friends are at a distance and/or are limited.

[d0nnivain]

You should not have replied at all.

 

If you must reply, in the future say things like, sorry we can't make it but never include an explanation.

 

In this case because now it looks like you are avoiding them & there is a work connection, to save face / keep the peace can you you pop by very early . . .and I mean exactly as the party is starting, stay for one drink & then leave?

 

If the husband's didn't work together I would just tell you to ignore them because they do not sound like fun drunks.

[haps6]

Well i wondered if i had read into his behaviour, although i am not sure how one could read into rude comments. I really don't wish to socialize with the couple with how they behave, but i just don't want to make things awkward for my husband.

[Toodaloo]

So my question is do you think i made the right decision by trying to cut out the negativity, or do you think i have made the situation worse unfriending him? I just want genuine grown up friends, not all the drama!

 

Yes I think you did the right thing.

 

They are out of line.

 

Don't worry about it. Enjoy your new found tranquility.

[acrosstheuniverse]

Gosh, you REALLY need to work on sticking up for yourself! Seriously, you go to a house party and the hosts make digs at you and you stay until the end of the night, pretending to enjoy yourself? No offence but you sound like a doormat, they probably feel similarly and get a kick out of seeing how much you will put up with. When that ***** happens, you get your stuff, stand up and leave.

 

I get your husband is at work with her husband, but that's their problem to deal with. I'm sure they'll have to rub along in a professional manner but it doesn't have to mean that you're putting up with this kind of rubbish in your personal life.

 

Stop trying to keep the peace and eliminate them from your life. Delete the wife off facebook too, you're even making excuses for not doing that, saying that she's never actually said anything directly bad to you... yet she didn't care enough to send a lousy text back when you lost your child, and she stands by and watches her husband makes nasty remarks about/to you without so much as a peep. You have the right to delete her and block her from facebook, you know.

 

Have a discussion with your husband, tell him that you've had enough of this couple and don't want anything more to do with them and you'll be cutting contact from now on. Ask his opinion and see if he thinks there's any valid problem this might cause him at work. Make it clear he can talk to or not talk to who he wants but you're washing your hands of them, and then follow through with it.

 

Do you find it difficult to stand up for yourself in general? You need to stop trying to keep the peace and stop everyone from arguing/rifts from being caused. It's not your place to expend so much energy on this when this other couple don't give a toss about you.

[haps6]

That is why i was very angry at my husband. I told him multilple times i wanted to leave and he wouldn't leave.

Edited December 20, 2014 by haps6