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Whats going on with me? Gut feelings or something? If so why......


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Hello, I'm new to this forum and desperate for some help with an issue I have no idea I have. Thanks!

 

I have been in a relationship for about 6 months with the greatest girl I've met out of my dates and relationships I've had in the past.

Let me describe who she is and what I find great about her:

Well, I've always had issues on finding a good person for me to be with after my very first relationship which happened to be my first love about almost 2 years ago. My first one totally ruined me and hopes of finding someone better and greater (I always had doubts about relationships and how I wouldn't find anyone better or a person whom I would feel the genuine love and passion as well. I started going on dates with a lot of people, hoping to find someone I would fall in love and be with, who can support me, understand me, care about me, keep me motivated and whom I could grow with. Of course I never felt anything towards them like a connection or any excitement ect. (I wasn't choosing people who weren't good for me to begin with I just never could feel great in a relationship and actually have a connection no matter who I dated) Until 6 months ago I stopped looking for love and just waited. Suddenly I met this girl who is my current love right now. Our personalities easily matched and I just loved the way she is, actually caring towards me, trusts me with all her heart, shows curiosity in my interests, always glad to hear how my day was and always cares about my interest when I tell her and show her my interests and ect. Chemistry? Oh my god, I've never felt like this in my entire life, she is so beautiful in everyday, and I just love the way she looks at me and every time I glare at those eyes of hers I feel an instant connection. First girl I can comfortable kiss without feeling insecure a bit (I'm a very insecure person), first girl who actually shows affection towards me being the first to show it, and who actually enjoys my kisses and affection. I have not been this connected to someone in my entire life, everything she tells me about her and in general I take to my heart and care deeply about, and she just feel apart of me now. We both laugh together and have so much fun (her humor and behavior jives with mine and seems perfect for me), Its nearly impossible to be bored with this person, she will light your world up. We have a lot in common in our personalities, such as both lazy, loud as hell, random, crazy, odd. I can really be my true self with this person my true true self in which most people would leave me because. I really just cant believe shes in my life, shes so beautiful, treats me well, trusts me, so fun to be around, isn't sensitive about everything I do, the funniest girl I've ever met, sexual (not in a whorey way) Humor is male like, ect. There's a lot more to add but its so much.

 

The relationship

This is by far the best relationship I've ever had, there is absolutely no stress or resentfulness in it, we've never really argued at all, she fully trusts me and cares about me (helped me through some issues). She makes me want to be a better person and really wants me to succeed in my goals ect. Our communication is great, if we have disagreements we do not argue over them and understand our own beliefs without criticism and judgment. I could talk to this person about anything even the most weirdest stuff without both of us feeling insecure or disgusted. I can literally pick my nose in front of her and she will just laugh and call me disgusting (I'm alittle weird). There is pretty much nothing missing or wrong with my relationship, I'd tell you more but I get a little lazy when It comes to writing a thread about it. Well, I so see a future with this person and even envision us having a family ect.

 

The Issue

This issue has nothing to do with her, its all me... I have been getting weird feelings and I don't know why... There like nagging feelings and I can't tell what they are telling me, there is no message at all, they're just feelings and they are persistent, odd thing is IVE NEVER FELT THESE EVER IN MY LIFE, NEVER FELT THESE WITH THE OTHER PEOPLE I WAS DATING. I've been suffering with this for a few months and I don't know where they came from, and I just don't know what they're telling me. I have been over analyzing them and overthinking, catastophizng and everything and its caused me so much pain, and the thing is she's done nothing to cause these feelings, sure she has some flaws, but we are all flawed and I'm willing to except her for who she is because I love her so much. The these odd feelings make me not want to talk to her and avoid her and when I force myself to talk to her it doesnt feel right it feels weird, and sometimes unpleasant. I've been obsessing over if my relationship is wrong or something and its really been bringing me down.. There's literally nothing wrong with my relationship and I really do for the first time ever in my life see a future with this person and see us with a strong relationship and ect. But why these feelings? I'm not hiding anything or denying anything at all or hiding anything from myself... I know shes not hiding anything, or lying or cheating or ect. on what I've read about gut feelings... I am an extremely paranoid and anxious person when It comes with fining out whats wrong... I don't even know if these feelings are saying somethings wrong... After I found out that these could be gut feelings and stuff, and that they are here to protect us and ect. I've started nitpicking and obsessing over her flaws which start to make me feel fear of "she's not right for me" (I didn't started to nitpick after reading articles that say "your subconscious has picked up something about the person") I can't let go of this person because she means so much to me and has really done a lot for me, and has so many qualities I've been looking for in a girl (Almost all of them). I don't want to leave her because it will make me feel worse and suffer from more doubts and even regret from letting something good for me go. I am a pessimistic person and always look at the bad (self-esteem issues). But I really really love her and I just can't lose her because as I said I've grown to her so much and she's really the best thing that's happened to me and the first person I feel %100 sharing my true self with. Oh yes and I love how she accepts me for who I am I really do, I appreciate her for doing so because not a lot of people accept me for who I am. Have I done anything for her? Yes, I've supported her through her depression, and boy she is the strongest girl I've ever met and typing this makes me want to cry because she is just truly a brave, strong and powerful girl who has suffered a lot in the past couple of years after her mom cheated on her father leading her moms side of the family to talk down and abuse her emotionally and verbally especially when she use to be very close to them and a family committed person. Her friend and I have been there for her and really support her. She's been recovering quite well and I'm just very proud of her after she's been through so much pain and trauma. Please I need help I don't want to lose the best thing that has happened to me because I really really do see a future with this person.

 

Oh yes these odd feelings do make me fear the relationship and things so maybe it isn't a gut feeling?

 

If its saying that she isn't the right person for me I don't get it... I've never felt like this with anyone else so what the hell especially when she has everything I want and need plus the connection, chemistry and goals we have oh yes and I don't believe in soul mates or the one...

This relationship is worth saving.

 

Please help :(

 

Thanks!

Edited by Cobaltius
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Maybe it's going so well you can't help getting anxious feelings that it won't last? I don't know. If you focus on the feelings, where are they physically? What do they feel like - can you describe them in terms of colour, sensation, power, that kind of thing?

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todreaminblue

when things go really well for me.....i get nagging thoughts to look around the corner...because i am going to have to face something bad happening...that is conditioned into me..........as spiderowl has suggested maybe you worry that it wont last and in actual fact your post says exactly that...you are looking into the future more or less instead of appreciating the day you have together..not living in the present....could be conditioned from bad relationships you have had......

 

the best thing to do ....is....count yrou blessings....all the things you love about her....this is what i would do to quell nagging thoughts and searching for none existent flaws...or delving into flaws she has.....count all the good things and keep counting till those doubts fade....deal in what you know to be true about her...everything you see that is beautiful and wonderful about her and your relationship...

 

 

 

 

seek the light of today...not the dark unknown of tomorrow....live in the now....which is you and her together...what will be, will happen regardless or whether you worry about it or not......what you worry about has a high chance of not happening....because of what you have written about her and your relationship...

 

 

 

remember that and those things in times of doubt.....enjoy your relationship while you have it.....dont push her away with niggles and doubts that dotn exist...believe in a higher power who wants the best for you and your girl......and go forward in your relationship with hope not doubt....be grateful for what you have....not grateful for what you dont have..which at the moment is a problem relationship...if that ever happens,which it could.....all relationships have trials to face...... deal with those trials when they come along...not before the problem exists..dont ever pre-empt a trial......never before the problem is there..because in essence you bring that trial into your relationship....leave it be...count your blessings..best wishes....deb.........

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Yep,

 

I get like deb was saying...sometimes when things are going good it's kinda like I can't trust it. I'm just waiting for something to go wrong.

 

I think finding "the one" is an overwhelming thing. I mean, it is kinda scary cuz like the things you described (i.e. things you have in common). And, the fear is that what "if" it doesn't work out. It's soooo good that you are scared as to what you would do if it was taken from you.

 

That fear sorta has sheltered me from trusting and looking for love I guess. You fear like if you'd be able to survive the pain of having something so real/sweet if it fizzles.

 

Some of us think we don't deserve that happiness. So, when the real thing comes around, we think we're not worthy.

 

All I can recommend is to push through your fears. If this person really is "the one" you don't want to mess it up with insecurities.

 

Also, give it some time. Although I've had times my recent crush would get me nervous, the more I tried chatting him up, the easier it got. I still have flare ups, but I believe if we chatted more, the anxiety would go down more.

 

So, I recommend the same for you. Just try to relax and go with it.

 

Let's say it doesn't work out (hopefully no), well, at least you savored some wonderful moments.

 

I feel bad in my moments alone - but really, I can look back and say I while some relationships I wanted to last didn't last, I enjoyed the time spent.

 

Good luck.

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Did you have a bad childhood? Parents who weren't trustworthy? Any sort of trauma?

 

I ask because when I finally went to therapy, I realized that I had self sabotaged several really good relationships (both friendly and romantic ones) when things were going too well because normalcy and happiness was so unfamiliar to me that I felt out of my element. I was itching for reasons to end things because then I could dwell in the turmoil and pain, which I was much more familiar and sadly more comfortable with. Not sure if that applies to you but I thought I would throw that out there.

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when things go really well for me.....i get nagging thoughts to look around the corner...because i am going to have to face something bad happening...that is conditioned into me..........as spiderowl has suggested maybe you worry that it wont last and in actual fact your post says exactly that...you are looking into the future more or less instead of appreciating the day you have together..not living in the present....could be conditioned from bad relationships you have had......

 

the best thing to do ....is....count yrou blessings....all the things you love about her....this is what i would do to quell nagging thoughts and searching for none existent flaws...or delving into flaws she has.....count all the good things and keep counting till those doubts fade....deal in what you know to be true about her...everything you see that is beautiful and wonderful about her and your relationship...

 

 

 

 

seek the light of today...not the dark unknown of tomorrow....live in the now....which is you and her together...what will be, will happen regardless or whether you worry about it or not......what you worry about has a high chance of not happening....because of what you have written about her and your relationship...

 

 

 

remember that and those things in times of doubt.....enjoy your relationship while you have it.....dont push her away with niggles and doubts that dotn exist...believe in a higher power who wants the best for you and your girl......and go forward in your relationship with hope not doubt....be grateful for what you have....not grateful for what you dont have..which at the moment is a problem relationship...if that ever happens,which it could.....all relationships have trials to face...... deal with those trials when they come along...not before the problem exists..dont ever pre-empt a trial......never before the problem is there..because in essence you bring that trial into your relationship....leave it be...count your blessings..best wishes....deb.........

 

What if there is something wrong? And its my intuition of gut feeling, I have been unhappy for a while not because of the relationship but because of these weird feelings and I've been trying to figure out what they mean and I seriously hope its not "She isn't good for you" or anything.. I did have doubts at the beginning but we all I guess have small doubts. She has some things that use to bother me but I'm really getting over it like she smokes weed once every two weeks (She has actual reasons to stress, ect.) it bothered me a little bit when I found out about it but now I'm getting use to it and really pot isn't that bad..

 

BUt what about my uneasiness? I can't even be with her sometimes it feels unpleasant but sometimes I can talk to her. Possible that I'm anxious and thinking to much?

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Maybe it's going so well you can't help getting anxious feelings that it won't last? I don't know. If you focus on the feelings, where are they physically? What do they feel like - can you describe them in terms of colour, sensation, power, that kind of thing?

 

Feelings are not physical. only when I drink too much coffee :o

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Did you have a bad childhood? Parents who weren't trustworthy? Any sort of trauma?

 

I ask because when I finally went to therapy, I realized that I had self sabotaged several really good relationships (both friendly and romantic ones) when things were going too well because normalcy and happiness was so unfamiliar to me that I felt out of my element. I was itching for reasons to end things because then I could dwell in the turmoil and pain, which I was much more familiar and sadly more comfortable with. Not sure if that applies to you but I thought I would throw that out there.

 

Well my parents are sometimes emotionally abusive and I do tend to have a pretty low self-esteem when it comes to confidence (Im confident about my relationship though) But I don't know if its really the case because I didn't feel like this in any other ones.

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when things go really well for me.....i get nagging thoughts to look around the corner...because i am going to have to face something bad happening...that is conditioned into me..........as spiderowl has suggested maybe you worry that it wont last and in actual fact your post says exactly that...you are looking into the future more or less instead of appreciating the day you have together..not living in the present....could be conditioned from bad relationships you have had......

 

the best thing to do ....is....count yrou blessings....all the things you love about her....this is what i would do to quell nagging thoughts and searching for none existent flaws...or delving into flaws she has.....count all the good things and keep counting till those doubts fade....deal in what you know to be true about her...everything you see that is beautiful and wonderful about her and your relationship...

 

 

 

 

seek the light of today...not the dark unknown of tomorrow....live in the now....which is you and her together...what will be, will happen regardless or whether you worry about it or not......what you worry about has a high chance of not happening....because of what you have written about her and your relationship...

 

 

 

remember that and those things in times of doubt.....enjoy your relationship while you have it.....dont push her away with niggles and doubts that dotn exist...believe in a higher power who wants the best for you and your girl......and go forward in your relationship with hope not doubt....be grateful for what you have....not grateful for what you dont have..which at the moment is a problem relationship...if that ever happens,which it could.....all relationships have trials to face...... deal with those trials when they come along...not before the problem exists..dont ever pre-empt a trial......never before the problem is there..because in essence you bring that trial into your relationship....leave it be...count your blessings..best wishes....deb.........

 

They arent really thoughts there more like feelings, emotional feelings that come and go randomly but its sometimes unbearable (only when I'm anxious about it)

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Well my parents are sometimes emotionally abusive and I do tend to have a pretty low self-esteem when it comes to confidence (Im confident about my relationship though) But I don't know if its really the case because I didn't feel like this in any other ones.

 

Low self esteem is part of self sabotage though. The feeling that you aren't deserving of this level of happiness. It could very well be that you are finding ways to destroy what you feel you aren't worthy of.

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Low self esteem is part of self sabotage though. The feeling that you aren't deserving of this level of happiness. It could very well be that you are finding ways to destroy what you feel you aren't worthy of.

 

Yeah but I don't actually feel like "I don't deserve happiness or this"

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Yeah but I don't actually feel like "I don't deserve happiness or this"

 

Forgive me but it could be part of it. A lot of your original post stands out to me. She is the first to care/love/give you affection and it in turn has your mind spiraling. That is a marker of low self esteem, a feeling of unworthiness and is something you could be doing to yourself without even realizing it. Does that make sense?

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Forgive me but it could be part of it. A lot of your original post stands out to me. She is the first to care/love/give you affection and it in turn has your mind spiraling. That is a marker of low self esteem, a feeling of unworthiness and is something you could be doing to yourself without even realizing it. Does that make sense?

 

But could it be my instinct telling me something? How can I know its my instict telling me something?

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But could it be my instinct telling me something? How can I know its my instict telling me something?

 

You haven't said a single thing about this lady that is negative. She sounds absolutely perfect for you in every way. Nothing in your post indicates she is anything other than exactly that. But you are still not happy. It sounds like something else is the root here and that's why I posted what I did.

 

Has she given you any reason to not trust her, question her motives, love for you or decency as a person? If you have then that is a whole other ball of wax.

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todreaminblue

whatever you feel has to become a thought process for you torecognise...and process any emotion or feeling that you have.,..........when you try to analyse your feelings they become thoughts not feelings....thats where the confusion comes in...when you dont understand why your feelings dont fit with thoughts you hold true to you...... and you cant rationalize them or analyse them logically...because feelings are often prone to be irrational.....that is in direct line with....bad feeling in an outwardly good situation ......deb

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You haven't said a single thing about this lady that is negative. She sounds absolutely perfect for you in every way. Nothing in your post indicates she is anything other than exactly that. But you are still not happy. It sounds like something else is the root here and that's why I posted what I did.

 

Has she given you any reason to not trust her, question her motives, love for you or decency as a person? If you have then that is a whole other ball of wax.

 

That should have said "If she has".

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Low self-esteem is an insidious ailment. It's typically not the sort of thing that pops out and screams, "HEY WHAT'S UP YEAH I CAUSED ALL THAT ****."

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That should have said "If she has".

 

I'm not happy because of these feelings, I'm confused, thinking about it 24/7 and just frustrated because of this.

 

She does have a few flaws like these but I can live with them:

 

She smokes weed once in a while (reasons: stress, depression) I've pretty much gotten over it (I've noticed that weed isn't that bad)

 

She has 3 different groups of friends (Pretty much friends with everyone) She has her choir friends (really nice and outgoing people), her own friends who are hilarious and amazing to be around and she has a few "stoner" and that's what use to bother me sometimes but i realized that they aren't as bad as they seem , they are quite nice and pretty cool. Again I can live with it its not like a deal breaker. I just sometimes feel insecure when shes with them. But I'm willing to accept it, its not even that bad.

 

 

We don't have that much in common when it comes to hobbies but that isn't necessarily a bad thing or a downer because it opens up a opportunity for me to learn new things especially her. I mean my parents don't even have the same hobbies at ALL even her parents had almost nothing in common lol

Edited by Cobaltius
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I'm not happy because of these feelings, I'm confused, thinking about it 24/7 and just frustrated because of this.

 

She does have a few flaws like these but I can live with them:

 

She smokes weed once in a while (reasons: stress, depression) I've pretty much gotten over it (I've noticed that weed isn't that bad)

 

She has 3 different groups of friends (Pretty much friends with everyone) She has her choir friends (really nice and outgoing people), her own friends who are hilarious and amazing to be around and she has a few "stoner" and that's what use to bother me sometimes but i realized that they aren't as bad as they seem , they are quite nice and pretty cool. Again I can live with it its not like a deal breaker. I just sometimes feel insecure when shes with them. But I'm willing to accept it, its not even that bad.

 

 

We don't have that much in common when it comes to hobbies but that isn't necessarily a bad thing or a downer because it opens up a opportunity for me to learn new things especially her. I mean my parents don't even have the same hobbies at ALL even her parents had almost nothing in common lol

 

Is it possible that you have a subconscious fear about her being intoxicated while you're not around (even if weed and not alcohol)? Like could you be worrying deep down that 'something could happen'?

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I'm not happy because of these feelings, I'm confused, thinking about it 24/7 and just frustrated because of this.

 

She does have a few flaws like these but I can live with them:

 

She smokes weed once in a while (reasons: stress, depression) I've pretty much gotten over it (I've noticed that weed isn't that bad)

 

She has 3 different groups of friends (Pretty much friends with everyone) She has her choir friends (really nice and outgoing people), her own friends who are hilarious and amazing to be around and she has a few "stoner" and that's what use to bother me sometimes but i realized that they aren't as bad as they seem , they are quite nice and pretty cool. Again I can live with it its not like a deal breaker. I just sometimes feel insecure when shes with them. But I'm willing to accept it, its not even that bad.

 

 

We don't have that much in common when it comes to hobbies but that isn't necessarily a bad thing or a downer because it opens up a opportunity for me to learn new things especially her.

 

Have you talked with her about how you feel when she is with her stoner friends?

Hey, having different hobbies is great. Do you guys have any overlap in a way that you could create one for both of you?

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Is it possible that you have a subconscious fear about her being intoxicated while you're not around (even if weed and not alcohol)? Like could you be worrying deep down that 'something could happen'?

 

It doesn't even have a message I'm tellin yuh, I don't feel a sense of impending doom, apprehension, dread, or feelings of something bad about to happen.. Its just a weird feeling I get, that makes me feel fear after it goes away.

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Have you talked with her about how you feel when she is with her stoner friends?

Hey, having different hobbies is great. Do you guys have any overlap in a way that you could create one for both of you?

 

Yes I have, I'm fine with it, I just feel a little insecure that's about it.

 

Thats because society has shaped us in believing things that are totally exaggerated and I know theres a lot of unconscious biases against certain people.

 

 

We are both heavily interested in music, and value music with extreme.

Shes plays a few instruments such as the guitar and piano, and has such a beautiful voice, and I'm telling you its pure talent, she never was taught it just came natural.

 

I play drums and heavily into my music and music in general a matter of fact I'm obsessed with headphones and audio equipment such as amps and DAC's and other audio sources. (Just cool thing to know about me ;) )

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Yes I have, I'm fine with it, I just feel a little insecure that's about it.

 

Thats because society has shaped us in believing things that are totally exaggerated and I know theres a lot of unconscious biases against certain people.

 

 

We are both heavily interested in music, and value music with extreme.

Shes plays a few instruments such as the guitar and piano, and has such a beautiful voice, and I'm telling you its pure talent, she never was taught it just came natural.

 

I play drums and heavily into my music and music in general a matter of fact I'm obsessed with headphones and audio equipment such as amps and DAC's and other audio sources. (Just cool thing to know about me ;) )

 

So you do have a hobby in common......music. Okay, I really think you are looking at the negatives in this relationship rather than all the positives. I also think this stems from not feeling worthy. You might not realize how much low self esteem has affected you because none of us go in to these things knowing we are going to sabotage ourselves. It just happens until we have lost what we want. It could be massive projection on my part so tell me to buzz off at any point. I do see a lot of my previous self in your post though and that was exactly what I used to do.

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So you do have a hobby in common......music. Okay, I really think you are looking at the negatives in this relationship rather than all the positives. I also think this stems from not feeling worthy. You might not realize how much low self esteem has affected you because none of us go in to these things knowing we are going to sabotage ourselves. It just happens until we have lost what we want. It could be massive projection on my part so tell me to buzz off at any point. I do see a lot of my previous self in your post though and that was exactly what I used to do.

 

 

But how can we tell if its instinct?

Oh and how does it feel when something isn't right or just off (Stupidest question you've ever heard I promise...)

 

Let me explain to you how I feel around her.. I will feel normal when I'm around her for and as the hours go by this feeling comes up and I can't tell if its telling me something's off... Sometimes its an unpleasant feeling, but only emotional sometimes I do get physical sensations but they are not around my gut. Usually if I drink coffee I get physical sensations when I'm thinking to much about what the feelings could mean. I feel it in my legs my legs become weak, and chest feels a little bit tight and I do get a feeling in my stomach but it isn't a sick or quesy feeling. Its more like a numbish feeling that is very subtle and sometimes hard to notice. But I don't usually get physical sensations when with her (Only when I freak out over the feeling) it makes me feel not myself and very quiet as if I'm too lazy to talk... I can't tell if its saying something is off or something isn't right... And if it is what can it be..

 

Its strange because I get two sometimes 3 different feelings.. There's the one I get when I'm with her and one I get when I'm alone and away from her.

 

When I get these nagging feelings on my own when I'm not with her, I always get them at the same time of the day, around the evening when I'm feeling little down and drained. Its strange because when I swim at practice (I'm a competitive swimming) the nagging sometimes unpleasant feeling goes away and I get out of the pool with a positive and better mood... Anxiety???

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But how can we tell if its instinct?

Oh and how does it feel when something isn't right or just off (Stupidest question you've ever heard I promise...)

 

Let me explain to you how I feel around her.. I will feel normal when I'm around her for and as the hours go by this feeling comes up and I can't tell if its telling me something's off... Sometimes its an unpleasant feeling, but only emotional sometimes I do get physical sensations but they are not around my gut. Usually if I drink coffee I get physical sensations when I'm thinking to much about what the feelings could mean. I feel it in my legs my legs become weak, and chest feels a little bit tight and I do get a feeling in my stomach but it isn't a sick or quesy feeling. Its more like a numbish feeling that is very subtle and sometimes hard to notice. But I don't usually get physical sensations when with her (Only when I freak out over the feeling) it makes me feel not myself and very quiet as if I'm too lazy to talk... I can't tell if its saying something is off or something isn't right... And if it is what can it be..

 

Its strange because I get two sometimes 3 different feelings.. There's the one I get when I'm with her and one I get when I'm alone and away from her.

 

When I get these nagging feelings on my own when I'm not with her, I always get them at the same time of the day, around the evening when I'm feeling little down and drained. Its strange because when I swim at practice (I'm a competitive swimming) the nagging sometimes unpleasant feeling goes away and I get out of the pool with a positive and better mood... Anxiety???

 

Hmmm, well that is a bit different. Have you ever suffered from panic attacks? They are physical symptoms that manifest from mental anxiety. In other words, a person ends up working themselves up that it becomes a very real physical reaction such as high heart rate, shortness of breath/tight chest and numbness in limbs. The coffee part is curious though. I don't know what to make of that but caffeine is a stimulant and effects people in various ways.

 

As for how to know if your instincts are right/how do you know when something is off, that's a really tough one to answer. What I initially was going off of was you having a seemingly perfect partner and still not being happy. Is there any time when you are with her that you can pinpoint when these feelings really creep in? A mannerism she might have, a certain word, a look? Those might be triggers of something in you that makes you feel anxious and not necessarily the relationship itself.

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