I don't know what to make of this...

[Gloria25]

I really don't know what to title this thread, but here goes.

 

Ever see a Seinfeld where Elaine's bf and George both kinda 'stole' Jerry's move in the bedroom - even though they added some things to it?

 

Would you be flattered that someone took what you do/like/know and use it to impress someone else?

 

I think that is happening to me. Some guy appears to be observing me and learning things about me and instead of using it with "me", he's using it with other females.

 

Now, I've heard people call in my fav podcaster complaining that other women try to dress like them and stuff and it's annoying. Some say 'imitation is the sincerest form of flattery'.

 

But, I don't know. I can't say that I'm flattered that this is going on. I also do not know if they are doing this intentionally - with some hopes of me noticing. Perhaps to make me jealous? I mean, I've had guys do that to me before. But, why would I be flattered to help a guy I'm interested in to impress other females with things that I know/like?

 

I mean, this also happens to me at work and around my hood. Without going into details, when I do certain things at the job and stuff, people start following suit. I mean, while I am not a person who enjoys being in the spotlight, I will say that like "Yellow Flicker Beat", when I pass through somewhere, you know I was there.

 

I hate to sound so full of myself...I mean, over the years, I've looked up to people and adopted somethings from them too. One woman used to walk everywhere in the highest heels when I was growing up. She also had the most interesting pins on her business suits. I adopted that. I loved walking in high heels and myself, wear interesting pins on lapels of certain suits.

 

But, I can't shake some guy I like using what he's learning about me to impress/treat other females.

 

Maybe if he'll invite me into the bedroom, I'll teach him a thing or two about pleasing a woman? He already figured out that I've enjoyed my FWB getting physical with me in public.

[preraph]

I don't think it's okay to imitate someone you are in the same close social circle with. I am guilty of having done it in the past too, when I was younger. I met a girl in college, and she was wearing her cowboy boots. I grew up on horseback but never had boots, and it just hit the right note with me and prompted me to go buy some. She was probably irked by this, looking back, but don't remember her saying anything.

 

It's never okay to imitate someone you could be considered to be in competition with, and it's a bad sign. Looking back on the "best friend" who slept with my bf decades ago, I should have seen the signs, as she was always trying on my shoes and a vintage suit went missing never to return. But just picking up one little thing, as long as it's not someone's signature thing is normal, I think, at least when you're young and still finding yourself.

[StanMusial]

I don't think it's okay to imitate someone you are in the same close social circle with. I am guilty of having done it in the past too, when I was younger. I met a girl in college, and she was wearing her cowboy boots. I grew up on horseback but never had boots, and it just hit the right note with me and prompted me to go buy some. She was probably irked by this, looking back, but don't remember her saying anything.

 

It's never okay to imitate someone you could be considered to be in competition with, and it's a bad sign. Looking back on the "best friend" who slept with my bf decades ago, I should have seen the signs, as she was always trying on my shoes and a vintage suit went missing never to return. But just picking up one little thing, as long as it's not someone's signature thing is normal, I think, at least when you're young and still finding yourself.

 

Maybe I misunderstood the OP but she didn't describe "imitation" per se. She described "observation" and learning by observation. I don't see any problem with it and it is much more effective than any advice you'll ever get.

[salparadise]

I hate to sound so full of myself...I mean, over the years, I've looked up to people and adopted somethings from them too. One woman used to walk everywhere in the highest heels when I was growing up. She also had the most interesting pins on her business suits. I adopted that. I loved walking in high heels and myself, wear interesting pins on lapels of certain suits.

 

But, I can't shake some guy I like using what he's learning about me to impress/treat other females.

 

Don't tell me he's walking around the office in 4" heels and acting like it's his own thing... has he no shame?

 

Maybe if he'll invite me into the bedroom, I'll teach him a thing or two about pleasing a woman? He already figured out that I've enjoyed my FWB getting physical with me in public.

 

Or he might teach you a thing or two... you are feeling a bit full of yourself today, aren't ya?

[Gloria25]

Maybe I misunderstood the OP but she didn't describe "imitation" per se. She described "observation" and learning by observation. I don't see any problem with it and it is much more effective than any advice you'll ever get.

 

Well, it's a combo. They are observing and from what they learn I like, instead of doing it with me, they do it with someone else.

 

Let's say I mention like getting gifts for people at Bath and Body Works. Well, within a few days of you mentioning that, you find out they just bought a gift for their girlfriend there.

 

Get my drift?

[FitChick]

He doesn't sound very bright if he thinks all women would like what you do. Sounds kind of clueless and desperate.

 

I used to work with a 'monkey see monkey do' woman who imitated me. Irked the hell out of me!

[Gloria25]

He doesn't sound very bright if he thinks all women would like what you do. Sounds kind of clueless and desperate.

 

I used to work with a 'monkey see monkey do' woman who imitated me. Irked the hell out of me!

 

Well, I'm not saying he's imitating everything I do. But trust me, the things he's doing, women would like.

 

I don't think it's clueless or desperate. I mean, how "else" do we pick up things? We learn a lot of things from environment...and, our "environment" consists of things we see other people do.

 

I've learned to dress and stuff from magazines, people I've met, etc. I've learned a lot of things in the bedroom from my 6 yr guy...but, I don't know, the way he's putting into practice what he's learning about me upsets me. I'm not here to help him date other people. I'd prefer he'd do these things with me.

[Gloria25]

I wonder if this is some form of "projection" like when a guy is cheating, sometimes instead of him wanting "less" sex from his wife - he wants "more" sex with his wife?

 

It's like testosterone is on overdrive and he's doing things I'd like, but since I'm not there, he does it with her? Like having sex with someone, but thinking about someone else?

[gaius]

You could be on the right path. I had a female friend I really had the hots for one time when I had a girlfriend and used to do that, take the friends advice for gifts or whatever for the girlfriend and let her know I did. Think it was a way of establishing intimacy without actually cheating. And it worked, hopped right into a pretty hot relationship with her after I broke up with the gf.

[MissBee]

Can you give an example of what you mean. I don't really think I understand what exactly it is you mean.

 

Also, I wasn't sure if you're saying your current bf is doing this or if a man you used to date is doing it.

[Got it]

How do you know?

 

And who cares? I am confused. If you want whatever he is offering then why not just tell him?

 

Sure, I have dealt with this issue but it was with my baby sister stealing my barbie's and trying to hang out with my friends. And we were kids. I have never seen this with adults.

 

In my career, I may copy good work habits, problem solving, people skills, etc. I have never focused on apparel, etc. Who cares about that? Not going to get any one anywhere.

 

And if I was dating a guy and he is using things he did/learned with us then I am thinking a big "you're welcome" to those girls and moving on. This seems to be a lot of "peeing on one's property" approach and I have never understood that.

[Variations56]

I'm confused, what is your relationship with this guy and how do you know what he is offering to women he is dating?

[Quiet Storm]

People learn by example & experience, and I think he is just trying to take what he learned from you and apply it elsewhere. All women are different, but many of us do have things in common.

 

It's like learning that dogs love belly rubs or noticing that babies love it when you sing to them.

 

Rubbing a friend's dog's belly doesn't mean your own dog isn't special, you know?

[MissBee]

I'm confused, what is your relationship with this guy and how do you know what he is offering to women he is dating?

 

This is what I don't get it. If this isn't someone you're with anymore how exactly do you know what they're doing with other women? And if you are currently with them then I think the bigger issue is that they're doing things with other women to begin with.

 

I mean...you cannot control what people learn from you. Unless they are stealing intellectual property or something you cannot prevent them from learning from you and using the knowledge elsewhere. That's what dating is. All of us learn from our good and bad experiences and apply it to the future. None of us are brand new in a new relationship, unless you really are and have never dated before. Otherwise, all I know about sex, dating etc. is an accumulation of stuff I learned from dating past men I'm no longer with as well as in broader life I've learned and picked up stuff from folks that may no longer be in my life.

 

I remember with an ex of mine he was not the best dresser when we first met and early on in dating he asked me to help him upgrade his wardrobe. I did and he was already a handsome guy but was taken up several notches now that he had clothes that were tailored and were in good colors and styles for him. He would always tell me how all the women at his office started to compliment him and women on the street since I helped him upgrade his clothes and before we went out he always asked for fashion advice. I created a monster. After we broke up I remember seeing him posting on FB a few times about what he planned to wear out that night, pictures and all, including s cologne I purchased for him (before he never wore cologne) and I remember feeling angry, especially when I later saw him some weeks later posing in pictures with a new woman in all the clothes I picked out for him. I felt in some ways that that was "my creation" and how dare he not acknowledge my handiwork and how dare he use what I taught him on new women.But I got over it. The new women in his life, and now he's married, so his wife is benefiting from his fashion sense that he gained because of me, but such is life. I cannot expect him to go back to dressing lamely because we broke up and I can't stake a claim to that. I also learned stuff from him that the men after benefited from. I'm sure some stuff your ex learned about you and from you aren't a 100% yours in that it is probably an amalgamation of people you learned from as well...so who has claim on it? That's just how it goes.

Edited December 20, 2014 by MissBee

[Gloria25]

This is what I don't get it. If this isn't someone you're with anymore how exactly do you know what they're doing with other women? And if you are currently with them then I think the bigger issue is that they're doing things with other women to begin with.

 

I mean...you cannot control what people learn from you. Unless they are stealing intellectual property or something you cannot prevent them from learning from you and using the knowledge elsewhere. That's what dating is. All of us learn from our good and bad experiences and apply it to the future. None of us are brand new in a new relationship, unless you really are and have never dated before. Otherwise, all I know about sex, dating etc. is an accumulation of stuff I learned from dating past men I'm no longer with as well as in broader life I've learned and picked up stuff from folks that may no longer be in my life.

 

I remember with an ex of mine he was not the best dresser when we first met and early on in dating he asked me to help him upgrade his wardrobe. I did and he was already a handsome guy but was taken up several notches now that he had clothes that were tailored and were in good colors and styles for him. He would always tell me how all the women at his office started to compliment him and women on the street since I helped him upgrade his clothes and before we went out he always asked for fashion advice. I created a monster. After we broke up I remember seeing him posting on FB a few times about what he planned to wear out that night, pictures and all, including s cologne I purchased for him (before he never wore cologne) and I remember feeling angry, especially when I later saw him some weeks later posing in pictures with a new woman in all the clothes I picked out for him. I felt in some ways that that was "my creation" and how dare he not acknowledge my handiwork and how dare he use what I taught him on new women.But I got over it. The new women in his life, and now he's married, so his wife is benefiting from his fashion sense that he gained because of me, but such is life. I cannot expect him to go back to dressing lamely because we broke up and I can't stake a claim to that. I also learned stuff from him that the men after benefited from. I'm sure some stuff your ex learned about you and from you aren't a 100% yours in that it is probably an amalgamation of people you learned from as well...so who has claim on it? That's just how it goes.

 

Well, what stings for me is that I didn't volunteer/give this knowledge about me and things to him....and it didn't happen like after I dated him.

 

Imagine you like a dude, he knows you like him, he saw you liked X perfume, goes and buys it for another girl - knowing that the girl would go tell all her friends, who would relay it back to you that he bought "your" perfume for her - not you.

 

So I'm not flattered and/or impressed, I'm quite hurt and feel stupid. Kinda like he's making fun of me or something.