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Gf keeps challenging my beliefs, should I reconsider the relationship


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Though we've only been dating for 3 months exclusively I'm been wondering if I should reconsider this relationship. She seems to keep insisting on full equality in practically everything and it's like she's not letting me be myself.

 

When taking her out on a date (when we first met), I was interested in paying for but she insisted on splitting the bill. Needless to say, I was kind of uncomfortable that she didn't let me do it at least the first day but since she insisted, I let her.

 

Secondly, she argues with me on why it's ok to hit/punch back girls and how that would be equal rights. Personally I don't believe it's ok unless in an extreme life-death situation or she's trying to kill one of my family members but she goes on saying ''But why not, why can't a guy hit back, wouldn't you get upset if another guy hit you'' and omg this discussion doesn't end and all I'm thinking is What on earth is wrong with this girl?

 

Then she goes on arguing that it's normal for both sex to have a wild past and women shouldn't be shamed for it, that everyone has the rights to sleep with whoever they want to when they're single. Well true, no one should be shamed for choosing a different lifestyle but I don't go all my way promoting that casual sex is normal nor make it look like it's something to be proud of. Besides her I've only been with 1 past gf. I'm into casual sex myself.

 

I'm starting to feel like reconsidering the relationship. I would like a girl that doesn't argue for equal rights and feels happy to have a man that wouldn't hurt her, that feels happy and respects me for my ideas even if some of them seem old-fashioned; that's the way I am. I don't agree with anything she has been challenging me about.

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If her behavior or beliefs are making you uncomfortable, then stop dating her.

 

I believe in equality. I also believe it's OK for somebody to hit another person, regardless of gender, in self defense. However, I don't shove those beliefs down somebody else's throat. A rousing debate can be fun but not if the other person doesn't want to play / participate.

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If her behavior or beliefs are making you uncomfortable, then stop dating her.

 

I believe in equality. I also believe it's OK for somebody to hit another person, regardless of gender, in self defense. However, I don't shove those beliefs down somebody else's throat. A rousing debate can be fun but not if the other person doesn't want to play / participate.

This is how I'm feeling. It's like she's trying to pressure me into her beliefs. A couple days ago, she brough up the Ray Rice topic. I only mentioned that I believe Ray Rice had other options and it didn't seem like complete self-defense to me, she went on discussing about her equality and that he was right to hit back.
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Well, dude, dating is to figure out if you're a "match" (well, unless you are just looking for someone to pass time with)...

 

The time to figure out if they're a "match" can best be achieved in 1 1/2 to 2 years of "dating" (not working together, being friends, and/or shacking up). Be glad when/if you find out things you don't like and/or red flags before wasting 1 1/2 to 2 years to see these things.

 

If she's showing you signs already of things you don't like, then I guess it's time for you to make up your mind.

 

But, to address the issues you raised:

 

1-Why don't you explain to her why you believe you should be paying on dates? I mean, a lot of women were raised under the women's movement and perhaps never heard of another perspective - especially from a man - on this topic.

 

2-I'm confused, does she believe in hitting guys or girls back? Is she just randomly picking fights with people. BTW, this would be a red flag to me. But again, she probably was raised in this generation where this attitude is encouraged (especially with the trashy so-called "reality TV" now a days).

 

3-Ok, while she believes that people shouldn't be shamed for having a "past" - what is her "present" and "future" look like?

 

So, I respect your concerns, but before you throw the towel in, do you wanna try some "communication" to see where she gets her thinking from?

 

Good luck.

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That's an extreme. To be valid self defense enables a person to use the same level of force that is being asserted against them, not to escalate.

 

If Ray Rice grabbed his GF/now wife & held her until she calmed down that would have been OK in my book. To use his superior strength to knock her to the floor crossed over to abuse.

 

Your GF does not seem a philosophical match to you.

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I'm beginning to feel unappreciated to be honest. For instance, one time I was trying to open the door for her and she replied with an ''Ok, but I could still open it myself'' too. It's like with her, it's all about competing for total equality.

 

Gloria25,

1) I did tried to explain to her afterwards but she believes that the bill should be split and was asking how should a guy have to pay and went on how it's not the old time anymore and that since now women work, there is no need for us to pay.

 

2) She believes that if a girl slaps or punches a guy, he's fully in his rights to do the same exact thing and blames the girl for putting herself in a man's shoes. I'm not the guy and so will never have it in me to just hit back a girl to hit. She thinks that if a man doesn't at least slap the girl back and instead walks away that he's a coward and pathetic; basically she just offended me with that comment.

 

3) While she knows about my low past and how I'm serious about sex, she didn't really share her past and only said she had a couple bfs. What gets me annoyed is when she goes all the way to the point of making it sound like she's fighting for equal rights for everyone to sleep around, as if it was something great.

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evanescentworld

I thought this was going to be about Religion, in which case I would have said that it's a deal-breaker.

However, this is about relationship/social preferences.

 

She sounds as if she's a liberated young lady, while you have a set of values that she herself may consider archaic, out-dated, old-fashioned.

 

I think you both make valid points, to be honest.

I see you also both have a right to hold your personal PoV's.

 

This isn't a competition, this is not an "I'm better than you because I think *this* way" issue.

 

This is something which requires (as pointed out) better communication.

 

I see where you're coming from, OP, but I also see she has made some understandable statements.

 

I was having a discussion with a Restaurant Manager about the quality of a meal, and some people on the next table was listening.

After the Manager had left, the couple next to us admitted they agreed with my complaint, and the husband turned to MY husband, and said "I'd have backed her up if I had been you."

Before my H could reply, HIS wife said, "Oh really? Did she look like she needed help?!"

My Husband then added, "Yes, I take your point, mate, but as your wife has so succinctly put it, she didn't need my help. However, please trust me, if she'd been in trouble, I would have been the first to step in....."

 

This is the kind of situation where you need to allow each other the space, consideration and respect to be who you both are, and to Compromise.

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I thought this was going to be about Religion, in which case I would have said that it's a deal-breaker.

However, this is about relationship/social preferences.

 

She sounds as if she's a liberated young lady, while you have a set of values that she herself may consider archaic, out-dated, old-fashioned.

 

I think you both make valid points, to be honest.

I see you also both have a right to hold your personal PoV's.

 

This isn't a competition, this is not an "I'm better than you because I think *this* way" issue.

 

This is something which requires (as pointed out) better communication.

 

I see where you're coming from, OP, but I also see she has made some understandable statements.

 

I was having a discussion with a Restaurant Manager about the quality of a meal, and some people on the next table was listening.

After the Manager had left, the couple next to us admitted they agreed with my complaint, and the husband turned to MY husband, and said "I'd have backed her up if I had been you."

Before my H could reply, HIS wife said, "Oh really? Did she look like she needed help?!"

My Husband then added, "Yes, I take your point, mate, but as your wife has so succinctly put it, she didn't need my help. However, please trust me, if she'd been in trouble, I would have been the first to step in....."

 

This is the kind of situation where you need to allow each other the space, consideration and respect to be who you both are, and to Compromise.

 

Ok, I don't want to push the OP in one direction or the other - and I'm sure I'm gonna get flamed from the other females here - but after he replied to what I posted, I think he should end it.

 

I'm a reformed Femenist. I consider myself a "Classic Femenist". I think that a lot of women who act like the OPs gf do and blindly follow certain views - when they clearly make no sense - are gonna be a headache.

 

The OP can compromise all he wants, but the day he has kids and/or puts a ring on that, he'll be in a world of hurt.

 

Sad though, that's a lot of women out there for guys to date - unless the guy was raised by a woman who ingrained in him certain views, he'd probably not be posting something like this thread, he'd just go along with it.

 

The other day my fav podcaster says there are studies showing that men are losing their testosterone at certain levels - but, cannot find a reason behind this change. I fear that this is some sort of "devolution" where men's giblets are literally being cut off...especially when it's women like the OPs that are being reared now a days for men to pick from in order to continue to procreate and have our species survive.

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I'm starting to feel like reconsidering the relationship. I would like a girl that doesn't argue for equal rights and feels happy to have a man that wouldn't hurt her, that feels happy and respects me for my ideas even if some of them seem old-fashioned; that's the way I am. I don't agree with anything she has been challenging me about.

 

You have to ask yourself whether this is actually a control issue on your part or is this just lack of agreement with her that is getting you down.

Are you getting annoyed because she doesn't think the way you want her to think or are you just fed up with her arguing with you?

Some people love to debate, she may be one of them, she may just want you argue your side intelligently.

 

If this is a control issue or even a male/female dominance issue, then perhaps you need to step back and address that, because this may impact on other future relationships you have with women.

Modern women tend not to like being told what to do or what to think.

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Modern women tend not to like being told what to do or what to think.

 

And that's ^^ their problem. Everyone is either attacking them or controlling them. They cannot have a realistic discussion about something. They just blindly follow the herd. Men are "controlling".

 

I could go on and on.

 

That's while I don't want to sway him to make a certain decision, I recommend he let her be (leave her).

 

Or do her until you get bored, then move on. Don't knock her up and/or put a ring on her finger. You can't have children and invest your money and time with someone who's always at war.

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elaine567,

I'm more irritated that she's arguing with me and practically trying to get me to agree with her views. I don't keep on insisting how I think a gentleman should pay for a first date and walk away if he gets slapped. I always leave things as a ''IMO, I think this....'' (if she ask why I have my personal views then I'll state them) but she on the other hand argues.

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I've pondered that hitting people issue myself, but I reached the conclusion that since in most instances, a man is stronger and can be deadly to a woman and in most instances, a woman is not that much of a threat to a man physically, it's best to adhere to the policy that men shouldn't hit women. But I agree that a person has a right to defend themselves in any scenario, but only the amount of force needed to defend should be appropriate. You hear too often that a woman slaps a man, and then the man decks her.

 

Your girlfriend is just caught up in pondering these subjects of equality and I think the fact that she is assertive and opinionated enough to bring it up is what is bothering you the most. The rest is debate and probably she'll change her mind back and forth like I have on a lot of it. It doesn't sound like a good match for you. It's kind of sad though. Men never seem that they're really ever fully onboard on the equality issue across the board.

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Though we've only been dating for 3 months exclusively I'm been wondering if I should reconsider this relationship. She seems to keep insisting on full equality in practically everything and it's like she's not letting me be myself.

 

When taking her out on a date (when we first met), I was interested in paying for but she insisted on splitting the bill. Needless to say, I was kind of uncomfortable that she didn't let me do it at least the first day but since she insisted, I let her.

 

Secondly, she argues with me on why it's ok to hit/punch back girls and how that would be equal rights. Personally I don't believe it's ok unless in an extreme life-death situation or she's trying to kill one of my family members but she goes on saying ''But why not, why can't a guy hit back, wouldn't you get upset if another guy hit you'' and omg this discussion doesn't end and all I'm thinking is What on earth is wrong with this girl?

 

Then she goes on arguing that it's normal for both sex to have a wild past and women shouldn't be shamed for it, that everyone has the rights to sleep with whoever they want to when they're single. Well true, no one should be shamed for choosing a different lifestyle but I don't go all my way promoting that casual sex is normal nor make it look like it's something to be proud of. Besides her I've only been with 1 past gf. I'm into casual sex myself.

 

I'm starting to feel like reconsidering the relationship. I would like a girl that doesn't argue for equal rights and feels happy to have a man that wouldn't hurt her, that feels happy and respects me for my ideas even if some of them seem old-fashioned; that's the way I am. I don't agree with anything she has been challenging me about.

 

 

Man I had your back until the bolded part. WTF dude? Fighting for equality (I prefer the term equity but meh) doesn't mean you can't be 'old fashioned'.

Unless to you, old fashioned means total patriarchy...

 

 

So anyways. Your girlfriend is a feminist. She is also not one the crazy ones that use feminism only when it's convenient to her.

 

If you can't deal with that, well, end the relationship I guess.

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This is how I'm feeling. It's like she's trying to pressure me into her beliefs. A couple days ago, she brough up the Ray Rice topic. I only mentioned that I believe Ray Rice had other options and it didn't seem like complete self-defense to me, she went on discussing about her equality and that he was right to hit back.

 

Did you tell her how you felt though?

Maybe she just feels strongly about this. If you don't tell her it's making you uncomfortable, she has no way of knowing.

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elaine567,

I'm more irritated that she's arguing with me and practically trying to get me to agree with her views. I don't keep on insisting how I think a gentleman should pay for a first date and walk away if he gets slapped. I always leave things as a ''IMO, I think this....'' (if she ask why I have my personal views then I'll state them) but she on the other hand argues.

 

Well, sign that she won't compromise.

 

I mean, I've been on dates where I start pulling out my purse and he refuses that I pay. I don't argue. I'm gracious....Now, I will probably "make up" for it afterwards. ;) I mean, relationships are about giving back and forth.

 

But seriously, the things you mentioned she is adamant about, IMO, regardless of where she got them from (i.e. the women's movement), shows that she has no independent thought and cannot rationalize things.

 

Imagine being married with her a few years from now and you two get into an argument. She will slap you...you dare put your hands on her, you will be toast. BTW, this is the same type of woman who will be cheating on you in the marriage...cuz, it's all about her. And, just like how she slapped you and you better sit there and take it, you'll take whatever else she shovels down your throat.

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I've pondered that hitting people issue myself, but I reached the conclusion that since in most instances, a man is stronger and can be deadly to a woman and in most instances, a woman is not that much of a threat to a man physically,

it's best to adhere to the policy that men shouldn't hit women. But I agree that a person has a right to defend themselves in any scenario, but only the amount of force needed to defend should be appropriate. You hear too often that a woman slaps a man, and then the man decks her.

Agreed. Women no matter how much they want to be equal re usually still the weaker individual when it comes down to pure brute strength.

So in the same way if you are going to continually poke a bull with a stick, then do not be surprised if one day it decides to kill you.

Brute strength will always win the day.

 

Your girlfriend is just caught up in pondering these subjects of equality and I think the fact that she is assertive and opinionated enough to bring it up is what is bothering you the most. The rest is debate and probably she'll change her mind back and forth like I have on a lot of it. It doesn't sound like a good match for you.

It's kind of sad though. Men never seem that they're really ever fully onboard on the equality issue across the board.

It is sad.

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Agreed. Women no matter how much they want to be equal re usually still the weaker individual when it comes down to pure brute strength.

So in the same way if you are going to continually poke a bull with a stick, then do not be surprised if one day it decides to kill you.

Brute strength will always win the day.

 

 

It is sad.

 

But, why should these women be allowed to poke the bull? I feel the same way about bullfighting. They call the bulls this and that, but they put them in an arena and taunt them, then put them down when they attack.

 

Women want equality, yet, no matter how strong a guy is, you poke him enough, he'll probably snap.

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OP --

 

Your GF may simply be using debate as a form or foreplay. It's something I do but again it's way more fun when the other person wants to play too.

 

Gloria has a point. If this relationship was to progress an ardent feminist & an old fashioned guy are not going to see eye to eye on child rearing issues.

 

Either way you need to take a long hard look at whether you think that you are compatible. Will she tone down the debate? Can she see the who pays question as sharing? How continually bothered are you going to be if you find out her #s are higher than what you think is appropriate? (Search this board if you really want to get into the quagmire caused by knowing the other person's actual #)

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todreaminblue

debating is fun when its mutual...not when you are on the constant start of a debate that never ends......

 

does she ever understand your views? does she appreciate your right to have them and understand where they come from ......or is it all no you're wrong...do you often agree on anything in general?....are there times in a debate where she will consider how you think intellectually?...what is it that you love about her....and the way she thinks...does she stop when you tell her i dont really want to discuss this anymore...or does she keep going..deb

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debating is fun when its mutual...not when you are on the constant start of a debate that never ends......

 

does she ever understand your views? does she appreciate your right to have them and understand where they come from ......or is it all no you're wrong...do you often agree on anything in general?....are there times in a debate where she will consider how you think intellectually?...what is it that you love about her....and the way she thinks...does she stop when you tell her i dont really want to discuss this anymore...or does she keep going..deb

 

Agreed, I do not find anything sexy and/or playful here...IMO, this is not someone who enjoys healthy debate.

 

I will add that a lot of women who demand certain "rights" are of the type who always want their heels on some guy's neck.

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She's better than a "feminazi" as they tend to be called these days, but I'd be uncomfortable around someone who keeps going on about gender stuff as well. It's alright really, but you don't have to mention it over and over again now that you're in a relationship. :confused:

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todreaminblue
Agreed, I do not find anything sexy and/or playful here...IMO, this is not someone who enjoys healthy debate.

 

I will add that a lot of women who demand certain "rights" are of the type who always want their heels on some guy's neck.

 

i am more into human rights......that a fem view.......and i enjoy healthy debate......incites passion and with passion comes healthy sex......i think its important to stand up when you view iniquities......but not to the point where at the end of a derisive debate the one you are supposed to love feels unhappy or uncomfortable ....i dont see the point fo being with someone who makes you feel they are almost ridiculed for holding an opinion...its isnt healthy.....nor as you aptly put ......sexy..none of that i can see either....definitely not debates to inspire passion in the other more derision.....and annoyance........deb

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but not to the point where at the end of a derisive debate the one you are supposed to love feels unhappy or uncomfortable ....i dont see the point fo being with someone who makes you feel they are almost ridiculed for holding an opinion
True and I didn't like being called a coward just because I wouldn't slap back a woman.

 

She knows how I feel about my views but still calls them outdated and that it's already nearly 2015. I feel like this will keep going on and on. What attracted me besides being pretty was she's in college too (wants to be a biologist) and is family oriented. However, maybe I should break up and have been considering it since the latest argument about Ray Rice.

 

Regarding the # of partners, I don't really focus on this factor too much unless it's such an excessive count to the point it's way too much and she didn't even try working out things in a relationship or were to constantly break up with every man she dated after only a couple weeks or so. I would wondered why is she making the same mistake over and mistake (at that point it stops being a mistake) and what's her issue that she can't bond with anyone?

Edited by Amadeus9
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I feel the same way about bullfighting. They call the bulls this and that, but they put them in an arena and taunt them, then put them down when they attack.

 

The whole point of bull fighting is to kill the bull.

They blind it with chemicals, stab it till it goes crazy, then stab it to disable it enough to kill it.

It is a horrendously cruel arena event.

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