How long before you felt better after forgiving Affair?

[chrissy78]

I know there is no magic number...just wondering for those who have second chances ...how long after d-day till you stopped being paranoid/sad/angry. Was it worth a second chance?

[HurtHusband]

Wife confessed to an affair at the end of august. It's December now, and I still feel disjointed, depressed, pangs of anger, misery on a daily basis. The only time I feel ok, is when I wam too busy to think about it, when I'm working etc.

it's really hard. I have not forgiven my wife, and TBH she does not deserve to be forgiven. I think this episode will scare forever. 12 years,2 kids.

 

If I find someone new I will feel better, but I am just so angry all the time. I think when you have kids and your partner cheats it's worse..

[dichotomy]

 

1) how long after d-day till you stopped being paranoid/sad/angry.

 

2) Was it worth a second chance?

 

 

1) Never stopped even after 10 years. But its much less.

 

2) Yes, and I ask myself "is it still worth it" fairly regularly.

[Furious]

I know there is no magic number...just wondering for those who have second chances ...how long after d-day till you stopped being paranoid/sad/angry. Was it worth a second chance?

 

Gently...Chrissy

I'm sorry you're hurting. There's no magic answer here. Just like you, it's as confusing and hurtful on this side too and there's no simple answer.

 

No one wins and there's enough pain to go around.

 

If anything all second chances should be about giving a second chance to be authentic and not giving up your soul but reclaiming it for yourself.

 

I wish you peace and that everyone should love themselves enough that they don't lose themselves for it.

 

Peace to you

[turnera]

Of everything I've read, it takes at least 3 to 4 years for it to stop hurting daily or weekly. And that's IF the ex-cheater does a stellar job of making up for what they did. If he just tries to rugsweep, you'll never stop hurting.

[chrissy78]

Of everything I've read, it takes at least 3 to 4 years for it to stop hurting daily or weekly. And that's IF the ex-cheater does a stellar job of making up for what they did. If he just tries to rugsweep, you'll never stop hurting.

 

That's what I was afraid to hear...if they deny deny and keep lying even though I heard it from the ow mouth. But basically tried to first say just friends and when that was falling apart outright blamed

her for chasing him.

[fellini]

Not sure how far past DDay you are but it seems you are still focussed on the WS in terms of your ability to get past this. (Trickle truthing and gas lighting will keep this posture going forever - i.e. your recover is based on what the WS is doing.

 

Later in the process, after all the sh**tstorm has passed, you will eventually swing BACK to it being about yourself - by which I don't mean you looking at your role in this, but in fact, you asking yourself some really difficult questions about who you have married, if you wish to continue to live with this person, do you want to live through years more of this, is it worth it or better to bail now? and what has been the PERSONAL COST OF FORGIVENESS.

 

When you know what the full personal cost of forgiveness is going to be, you will know what to do. Or more importantly, that this is about you, not about WS performance, all things being equal in that regard. And as I am trying to say clearly:

 

these are questions the BS will ask of him/herself REGARDLESS of how well the WS has conducted his/herself during the recovery/reconciliation stages.

[Friskyone4u]

Chrissy

You know no two cases are identical because of so many possible variables. How long and if you can get past this depends on the ACTIONS not words of the WS, as well as your ability to not accept any more lies and deception.

And for some people, infidelity is just simply a deal breaker no matter what is done.

Most statistics I have read state that infidelity is more often a deal breaker for men that for women.! I think part of that is because for men once the sex ends the affair ends. You do not read too many posts on forums about men

In an "emotional" fog and grieving for their AP for months and years when they are not having sex any more. For women, we constantly read they are still in the so called fog and that is because women are usually more emotionally involved before the sex even starts. So time after time we see reconciliation failing because they "want to be friends", can't keep NC, and spend months and months continuing to impede any chance for R.

To make it simple, if you get no contact, transparency, commitment, the time to heal for anyone will be less. Without those things it probanlbly will never happen

[road]

Recovery takes two to five years.

 

 

Having a WS that will not answer the BS's questions has caused many a BS to never leave the affair in the past.

[HurtHusband]

This week I have felt really bad...I feel like I am carrying a heavy weight...I have had quite dark thoughts...sorry..but i am struggling...I feel that I have been let down so badly by my partner..that no one else in my life knows or understands how I feel..and yes I feel like bludgeoning her and than topping myself...horrible I know...if only she was remorseful, if I could actually tell her and she would try and promise to try and fix things..but if I talk to her she will just end our relationship..I love our kids and no matter what I do I know they will end up getting hurt....

 

and if I stay put, stay like this..will I go insane? This weird limbo..

I know we have zero intimacy and she doesn't want it..but I sat down and I got her to sit down on my lap. Just for afew minutes, and she is prattling on about the days events..and even though she is the cause of my unhappiness, I needed the touch of another person, to feel human, just for a brief moment...but to want to hold the person who hurts you just cause there is no one else..it's like a bizarre form of Stockholm syndrome..

 

I hope there are brighter days ahead..I hope one day I can look back on this and say I survived this ****..I am with someone amazing now and I could'nt give a toss about her anymore..what the hell did I see in her anyway, that selfish woman she does'nt even have nipples ( their inverted) and my daughters are all grown up and I have a great relationship with them.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I know there is no magic number...just wondering for those who have second chances ...how long after d-day till you stopped being paranoid/sad/angry. Was it worth a second chance?

 

I stopped being paranoid after about 2 years. that's when it hit me that all the paranoia in the world won't protect me. It was also around this time I realized that if she DID do it again... it wouldn;t hurt. It would only make my decision for me. You can only break THIS heart once.

 

The anger, sadness... that took every bit of 5 years, and I'll still have a bad week here and there.

 

I try to remind myself that we had bad weeks before as well... but nothing as damaging. When we have good weeks and months now though...they are very good.

 

Good Luck.

 

 

I should add that it took me longer because she just didn't get it, and wasn't able to help. TT for two years... inability to have a real discussion about anything important since then...that sort of thing. So I say it took me 5 years because I had to go it alone.

[flowergirl14]

It is not the affair that destroys the marriage usually. Its the lying, minimizing, denying etc. Most BS spouses realize they will never get the whole truth or even a fraction of it. That is a hard pill to swallow. Even down the road...you realize the character of the BS isn't one that lines up with your morals. For me 1 and a half years post dday is still very difficult. Im done crying about it. I dont snoop as much. But I look at my partner for who he is. A cheater and a liar capable of anything. I just think rarely do these spouses make good partners in the future. I ve read a lot of forums in the ow/om section and years down the road the wh or ww are still in contact with the ow om. I haven't had an affair myself but for a lot of waywards the affairs seem like addictions. They cant give up the op even though its destroying the marriage.

[EverySunset]

Well after a year of trying to R (the first time) and then finding out about new and more about the old... About 6-8 months later I forgave him. Because I left.

 

I'm sorry if that's not helpful but it's the best real life experience I have. The only way I ever found peace was to leave. If you want more, I send warm hopes you are better than I was trying to R.

 

Despite a bitter ex, I am finally at peace.

 

By myself.

Edited December 17, 2014 by EverySunset

[chrissy78]

This week I have felt really bad...I feel like I am carrying a heavy weight...I have had quite dark thoughts...sorry..but i am struggling...I feel that I have been let down so badly by my partner..that no one else in my life knows or understands how I feel..and yes I feel like bludgeoning her and than topping myself...horrible I know...if only she was remorseful, if I could actually tell her and she would try and promise to try and fix things..but if I talk to her she will just end our relationship..I love our kids and no matter what I do I know they will end up getting hurt....

 

and if I stay put, stay like this..will I go insane? This weird limbo..

I know we have zero intimacy and she doesn't want it..but I sat down and I got her to sit down on my lap. Just for afew minutes, and she is prattling on about the days events..and even though she is the cause of my unhappiness, I needed the touch of another person, to feel human, just for a brief moment...but to want to hold the person who hurts you just cause there is no one else..it's like a bizarre form of Stockholm

 

Hurt husband... Your post made me really sad and upset and sadly I think I can relate to you. I feel like I have a master manipulator at my end and the cheating alone is one thing but it's the treatment of me. I really know what you mean by getting the person who treats you like **** to give you just a little bit of attention so you can feel human again. Problem is now I know it's fake ... Don't you?

 

I have been in counseling. Have you? Although emotionally it has not helped I feel so depressed some days I can barely get one foot in front of the other. However it really helped me see him for who he is. A user and manipulator with no empathy and most likely a pathological liar/narcissist. He is extremely successful executive and though I work he treats me like I am a complete idiot who can't see past his bull****

 

After he got caught, I told his family, which is what I believe caused him to sever ties with ow and change his phone number. But what assurance is there he won't go back once he thinks he has me appeased. Or there won't be another. In my heart I know he can't possibly respect me ... Bringing the ow to our home and lying everyday for 4 years. Ofcourse he has everyone fooled thinking he is the one trying and wanting to keep this family together. What a great example for my children...right?

 

I am struggling with my own self esteem as I realize how low it has gotten to stay with someone who I know is a liar and cheat and probably would never be there for me if I one day I needed him.

[Furious]

This week I have felt really bad...I feel like I am carrying a heavy weight...I have had quite dark thoughts...sorry..but i am struggling...I feel that I have been let down so badly by my partner..that no one else in my life knows or understands how I feel..and yes I feel like bludgeoning her and than topping myself...horrible I know...if only she was remorseful, if I could actually tell her and she would try and promise to try and fix things..but if I talk to her she will just end our relationship..I love our kids and no matter what I do I know they will end up getting hurt....

 

and if I stay put, stay like this..will I go insane? This weird limbo..

I know we have zero intimacy and she doesn't want it..but I sat down and I got her to sit down on my lap. Just for afew minutes, and she is prattling on about the days events..and even though she is the cause of my unhappiness, I needed the touch of another person, to feel human, just for a brief moment...but to want to hold the person who hurts you just cause there is no one else..it's like a bizarre form of Stockholm

 

Hurt husband... Your post made me really sad and upset and sadly I think I can relate to you. I feel like I have a master manipulator at my end and the cheating alone is one thing but it's the treatment of me. I really know what you mean by getting the person who treats you like **** to give you just a little bit of attention so you can feel human again. Problem is now I know it's fake ... Don't you?

 

I have been in counseling. Have you? Although emotionally it has not helped I feel so depressed some days I can barely get one foot in front of the other. However it really helped me see him for who he is. A user and manipulator with no empathy and most likely a pathological liar/narcissist. He is extremely successful executive and though I work he treats me like I am a complete idiot who can't see past his bull****

 

After he got caught, I told his family, which is what I believe caused him to sever ties with ow and change his phone number. But what assurance is there he won't go back once he thinks he has me appeased. Or there won't be another. In my heart I know he can't possibly respect me ... Bringing the ow to our home and lying everyday for 4 years. Ofcourse he has everyone fooled thinking he is the one trying and wanting to keep this family together. What a great example for my children...right?

 

I am struggling with my own self esteem as I realize how low it has gotten to stay with someone who I know is a liar and cheat and probably would never be there for me if I one day I needed him.

 

 

This is confusing, in your other threads you are an affair partner and miss your married man.

[chrissy78]

It is not the affair that destroys the marriage usually. Its the lying, minimizing, denying etc. Most BS spouses realize they will never get the whole truth or even a fraction of it. That is a hard pill to swallow. Even down the road...you realize the character of the BS isn't one that lines up with your morals. For me 1 and a half years post dday is still very difficult. Im done crying about it. I dont snoop as much. But I look at my partner for who he is. A cheater and a liar capable of anything. I just think rarely do these spouses make good partners in the future. I ve read a lot of forums in the ow/om section and years down the road the wh or ww are still in contact with the ow om. I haven't had an affair myself but for a lot of waywards the affairs seem like addictions. They cant give up the op even though its destroying the marriage.

 

Flower girl ... If you don't mind me asking why do/did you stay. I also feel like I am dead inside and I can see that he's a complete cheater and liar. The day after I found out he started trying to be physical with me, mind you he hasn't touched me in months and I could feel his fakeness. I know for some people am affair is a catalyst to change but I feel his ended solely because he was caught and now it's all about keeping his appearance as the good guy who didn't let his family down.

[sweet_pea]

I am also confused. Are you the Other Woman or the BS? Or both?

[turnera]

That's what I was afraid to hear...if they deny deny and keep lying even though I heard it from the ow mouth. But basically tried to first say just friends and when that was falling apart outright blamed

her for chasing him.

And you're still WITH this piece of sh*t?

 

WHY?

 

Have you no self respect?

[suckerpunch55]

Never got over it, my wife is trying her best to put things right but this only confirms the guilt she feels. At times it feels like she tries to much, you know when we go out as a couple she seems to be too touchy-feely, unless of course we meet someone who knows about her affair, then her head goes down and she wants away from them. The best way to describe is we are both carrying heavy loads, her guilt and my hurt, will it go away? I really don't know.

[littleblackheart]

I'm sorry if that's not helpful but it's the best real life experience I have. The only way I ever found peace was to leave. If you want more, I send warm hopes you are better than I was trying to R.

 

Despite a bitter ex, I am finally at peace.

 

By myself.

 

 

Very different set of circumstances for me but the bold part is exactly how I feel. I'd suspected something wasn't right for some months, gathered my thoughts and some evidence, I confronted him, he admitted it and he was gone that night, no going back.

 

 

In my situation, staying with him would have been unthinkable (I'm a 'if I wouldn't do it to you, I won't take it from you' type of person) but I understand that everyone is different.

 

 

I have (mostly) forgiven him because I'm not confronted with the betrayal every single minute of the day. It's been a few months, and although I still feel sick thinking of the lies, the manipulation, the alibis, the mood swings, the deceit, the guilt-trips, etc., I mostly am angry at myself for falling for such a [insert not very polite word here] in the first place.

 

 

I too hope the pain you are going through subsides, and that you find peace (within yourself, and with your partner) in whatever decision you make.

Edited December 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[autumnnight]

I am a big believer in forgiving when forgiveness is warranted. if someone has no remorse, they take no action to help you heal, they refuse to be transparent, they do not do the best they can to make amends (I say the best they can because making amends for an affair would be impossible. It's not like a stolen toy you can return to the store or a broken window you can pay to have repaired) I don't see how someone can forgive. Not really.

[flowergirl14]

Flower girl ... If you don't mind me asking why do/did you stay. I also feel like I am dead inside and I can see that he's a complete cheater and liar. The day after I found out he started trying to be physical with me, mind you he hasn't touched me in months and I could feel his fakeness. I know for some people am affair is a catalyst to change but I feel his ended solely because he was caught and now it's all about keeping his appearance as the good guy who didn't let his family down.

I don't know why I have stayed. I guess because I still have hope. 3 kids and 21 years of marriage. I dont support myself. He is pretty much the breadwinner. There's good months and bad! My friend shared this quote with me. Maybe it will ring true.

"It's easier to be miserable in a familiar situation than be miserable in a new situation." Also, i think if this marriage collapses it wont be for lack of trying on my part.