Should he have called me or should I have called him? now?

[TaraLee162]

A guy I like who I have known for many years as a friend of a friend, but whom I have never spent time with socially has been messaging me on social media lately and being really flirty.

 

Last Friday he said we should catch up in person soon. He asked me what days I was free for lunch and I told him Mondays I didn't work. He said great we should meet this Monday.

 

I said we could meet somewhere central cause I thought it was a friend thing, but he was determined that he would drive to pick me up which made me think it was a date. I still don't know.

 

I asked him what time and where we would be going and he said we should "connect on Sunday and set a time and decide on a place." He seemed very keen and excited about it.

 

Sunday came and I expected him to text me, but he never did. I was going to text him, since he didn't really say he would initiate the "connection" but rather that we should just connect. I ended up not contacting him cause I felt the lunch was his idea so he should.

 

He never contacted me. It's now Wednesday and no word from him. I feel upset cause I like him and prior to this he was such a nice guy and everyone thinks of him as being this nice guy. I know he is alive cause I have seen him posting to social media.

 

What is going on? Is he playing games? Should I initiate contact and ask him what happened? Should I pretend nothing happened? I don't think he could have forgotten in only a few days. I am pretty sure he doesn't have a girlfriend.

 

I still want to see him sometime, but I don't want to seem desperate. Why would he suggest this and seem so keen and then totally blank me. I wonder if he expected me to contact him about the details and is now annoyed because I didn't? Is that possible?

[Toodaloo]

Why didn't you just text or even better call?

 

Is he supposed to be a mind reader?

 

He isn't totally blanking you. The poor sod is probably thinking why didn't she call???

[TaraLee162]

Cause I felt like he might have forgotten and I would look stupid if I contacted him. Now I wish I had contacted him. I don't know what to say/do now without seeming stupid.

 

 

Why didn't you just text or even better call?

 

Is he supposed to be a mind reader?

 

He isn't totally blanking you. The poor sod is probably thinking why didn't she call???

[toscaroscura]

I don't see that you did anything wrong. You pressed him for a time and he responded by remaining nebulous. I'm not sure what his motivations are, but he sounds like a flake. The best interpretation is he just forgot, the worst is he wants to line you up as an option when he has nothing better going on.

[TaraLee162]

Thanks toscaroscura - great to get some different opinions on this. It does seem a bit flakey to me.

 

I don't see that you did anything wrong. You pressed him for a time and he responded by remaining nebulous. I'm not sure what his motivations are, but he sounds like a flake. The best interpretation is he just forgot, the worst is he wants to line you up as an option when he has nothing better going on.

[Got it]

Why not contact him and ask him?

 

I never understand why people play games, if you have a question ask him. If he is a flake you will know by his actions, if this is a pattern you have the answer. But if not, err on giving the benefit of the doubt and follow up for more answers.

[Toodaloo]

here is what you do.

 

You phone up organise date and time then meet him on said date and time.

 

If he fannys about he is a flake and if he gets on with it he is not.

 

Simples.

[Danda]

My personal opinion, so grain of salt it, but:

 

I don't think you should call or text, and that you should just move on.

 

He built up all this steam, wouldn't schedule a time/place when you initiated that part of the convo, and then he blew you off.

 

Dude is playing games. Even if he really is interested in you, this is the probably the part where you're 'supposed to' get all angsty and try to chase him while he is playing Mr. Aloof about the date he acted so excited about in the first place. It would basically be a case where his insecurity shenanigans are coming out before Date One even goes down. After date one then it would have been cool of you to show blatant interest in setting up a date two, pursue him back some basically, but if he can't even make it to Date One without this kinda crap then I can only imagine the games/drama that would unfold over the course of 4-6 dates.

[TaraLee162]

Thanks everyone for your advice, it really helps me a lot. It's almost one week since we last spoke and nothing from him.

 

Why do you think he would bother asking me in the first place? It seems ridiculous.

[d0nnivain]

There are no "shoulds" in dating anymore. There are very few rules, especially about who calls 1st.

 

 

If it were me I would have called on Sunday but that's water under the bridge.

 

 

I would call now & say "Hey, what happened on Sunday / Monday? When I didn't hear from you even to cancel, I was worried you got in an accident or something."

 

 

See what he says / does. If he tries to put another date together, confirm on who will call whom to confirm.

[Toodaloo]

It was all left very open ended though and not that he would call or you would call. So he is probably as confused as you are about all this. The way I interpreted your conversation is that you would call. However others have interpreted it that he would...

 

Just ring him and be to the point.

[Frank2thepoint]

I asked him what time and where we would be going and he said we should "connect on Sunday and set a time and decide on a place." He seemed very keen and excited about it.

 

If this is verbatim, then the bold part is what leaves the conversation open for anyone to call. I agree the guy should have followed up with you, but at the same time you could have just called him instead of letting your pride get in the way. Now both of you are convinced that neither was really interested. See what happens when you play by some "dating rules"?

[Ebelskiver]

I had almost this exact same thing happen to me. A guy I knew came on all strong and when I tried to nail down specifics he dissappeared. 2 months later he texted me out of nowhere trying to hook up again. I told him I wasn't interested, he asked me why......and I told him. "You pursued me vigorously and then dropped off the face of the planet. I'm not angry, I don't care enough to be angry. But I'm not going to reward crap behavior by seeing you. That just gives you permission to treat me that way. Best of luck to you!"

 

He apologized and admitted it was a crap move and we parted ways. Not worth my time.

 

This man wants to screw you. If he was really interested in you as relationship material he WOULD NOT leave you hanging like he did.

[TaraLee162]

Thanks for all your great advice and responses everyone. I am torn between calling him in case I was supposed to be the one who confirmed what we were doing, or just ignoring him cause he is playing games.

 

It's now one week since we spoke and I think that even if he expected me to contact him, if I were him and someone didn't respond, I would at least touch base with them to see if everything was ok.

 

I guess at this point I will just wait a bit and see if he contacts me again and then decide what to do depending on how he acts. Hard to know. Not sure if he's just a shy and sensitive guy with no initiative or a player.

[Toodaloo]

Tara

 

I think you need to find out if this is a guy that is flakey or a guy who is thinking you don't like him much because you didn't call.

 

Only one way to do that.

 

Call him, set up the date, if he starts messing about not confirming you know he is a flakey one. If he confirms and goes you know he was just getting muddled up with who was going to call who.

 

One chance. If he blows it that is his fault.

[TaraLee162]

You are right Toodaloo, I think that is what I am going to do. That way I will know for sure one way or another. Thanks for your help.

[Toodaloo]

You are right Toodaloo, I think that is what I am going to do. That way I will know for sure one way or another. Thanks for your help.

 

Your welcome.

 

For your sake I hope he is just confused as you but at least you will know for sure if he is a flake.

 

You can't act accordingly until you have the full facts.

 

Like I say if he blows it then its his fault.

 

Sometimes you just have to be as blunt as a bull in a china shop for the "hint" to get through.

[TaraLee162]

Hi everyone, just to give you an update on what happened - before I could contact the guy, he texted me and said he was really sorry for failing to call me before our date to confirm etc, but that something big had come up. He then said he wanted to see me soon. I wasn't sure if he was being genuine or not, but he seemed quite sincere.