why can't I make friends?

[tuxedo cat]

I've always struggled to make friends but I've reached a point in my life where I really want and need them, especially now that I don't have anything stable to anchor my life, such as nearby relatives or a regular workplace.

 

Since moving to NY a year ago I feel adrift. I managed to make one sort of friend who moved. All of my other attempts to connect with people have come to nothing.

 

Why?

 

I wrote a thread a couple of months ago about a girl I met at a work related gig. We bonded over our struggles with ADHD. I thought for sure she would turn into a friend. She was texting and calling me a ton, to the point of weirdness. Eventually her communication trickled down to a pace that seemed more normal.

 

In all this time we still hadn't hung out outside of work. Last week I asked her whether she'd like to get coffee that weekend. Her response after confirming that she was free? "I don't know. LOL. I have to think about it. I don't want to commit and then change my mind."

 

It hurt to get that response because I rarely initiate a meet up with other women. After some scarring rejection s and betrayals as a teenager, I basically gave up on trying to make female friends until recently.

 

I've always done a little better with guys, but I even seem to be losing my mojo there.

 

My new roommate and I got along well at first. For the record there is no attraction between us, at least on my end. But we have things in common and decent rapport. When I first moved in he was very welcoming and invited me to many events. I was so busy at the time that I could only go with him once, but we did hang out a bunch in our apartment, watching movies and chatting. And then he just...stopped...stopped inviting me places, stopped asking whether I wanted to watch movies on the couch with him. I have no idea why. I've only been really nice to him.

 

Eventually I started trying to initiate myself but it led nowhere. I could tell he wasn't enthusiastic about hanging out with me so I stopped trying to force it. Now I just feel sad when I see him. I really thought he might turn into a friend.

 

I have no clue what it is about me that puts people off. I know that Im awkward but that shouldn't prevent me from having any friends right? To paint a picture of how I come off, I have a ton of social anxiety and frequently have trouble maintaining a conversation with people I don't know very well. I'm good at asking questions but I have trouble taking the floor and talking about myself. Maybe it's because I feel a lot of shame about the emptiness of my life...or because I feel empty myself and don't even know what my opinions are when it comes to a lot of things.

 

I never had this problem as a kid. I could have endless conversations with my friends...but thru some combination of nature and nurture, I hit 13 and clammed up.

 

I know people will say therapy but this feels like a circular problem. I don't believe I can know myself without connecting to the outside world. While therapy may be a good supplement, it's not the solution and I don't think waiting any longer until I'm ready is the answer either.

 

What can I do? I need to solve this because I don't think I could survive another year in this city alone.

[Frank2thepoint]

Welcome to NY. One of the coldest places on Earth. The lights, the endless supply of entertainment, the hustle and bustle, makes the city alive, but far from any warmth. I feel your pain. I've been in NYC for nearly 30 years, and have been dealing with the coldness of people since. At least it had character back in the 80s and 90s. Now it's just zombified.

 

First, I'm sorry to hear that you are labeled as "awkward" by your peers. I've been called "weird", "peculiar", even a "creep". Good times. Regardless, some of NY's denizens are deader and colder inside than a corpse in the ground.

 

Why do have trouble connecting with people? What causes you to have trouble maintain a conversation? I myself can be reticent at times, until I get comfortable with people. But over the years I stopped worrying, and just blurt out the occasional nonsense to break the ice. If people get weirded out, or their virgin ears need respite from me, then those people are way too uptight for me. Maybe you are anxious because you worry people might judge you too harshly for saying whatever is on your mind.

 

Concerning your shame of yourself for thinking your life is empty, why would you think it is empty? Do you feel you have not accomplished anything? Maybe you can take inventory of your accomplishments, and also what are some of the things you would like to accomplish. If it helps, start small, and work your way up to challenging goals.

 

As for meeting new people and making friends, why not try to connect with people that have similar interests as you. What are some of your hobbies or interests?

[eye of the storm]

I have a ton of social anxiety and frequently have trouble maintaining a conversation with people I don't know very well. I'm good at asking questions but I have trouble taking the floor and talking about myself. Maybe it's because I feel a lot of shame about the emptiness of my life...or because I feel empty myself and don't even know what my opinions are when it comes to a lot of things.

 

Well, if you feel your life is empty, that is a good place to start. NY is full of activities that you can join in. A gym, crossfit, art class, cooking class....the list is endless. There are jogging clubs, bicycle clubs, book clubs...another list.

 

I started cross-fit today. I was nervous because I didn't know anyone. But there were a couple of other new people and we all talked about how freaked we were. I am sore but I met new people and I think some of them may develop into friends. It gave us a common interest and a common experience.

 

If you think you can figure out how to approach your roommate. Try maybe telling him that you sometimes struggle with your ADHD. Tell him that sometimes it causes you to act or react in ways that can turn off others. Ask him for some feedback. He was friendly when you moved in, what changed. You will need to do this in a non-accusatory manner. Strictly a "hey I'm trying to improve can you lend me a hand"

 

Also, I would be willing to bet there is a ADHD support group near you.

 

On a side note, I cannot recommend therapy enough. My therapist and I roll played often and it help me see how my actions caused negative reactions sometimes. It also helped me see better ways of communicating. It will probably help with the anxiety issues.

 

You can do this. You are stronger than your know

[preraph]

See if there are by any chance any ADHD meetups in NY. If there are anywhere in the world, it would be there.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You always do have a friend