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Negative self statements


TalesoftheWireMonkey

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TalesoftheWireMonkey

(In the very,very early stages of forming a relationship.)

Why does she say "I'm no good for you"' "I'm nothing but trouble"

"If you had any sense you would get away from me. " and other self-effacing sorts of statements?

Is it low self-esteem? Fishing for compliments? Is it a test? Is she trying to dissuade me?

I don't know what sort of answers she expects?

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Perhaps all of the above really. When someone gives you an early warning about this stuff it's probably best to believe them NOW regardless of their reason for saying it.

 

Same thing goes when I tell a woman "I'm not your type" then chances are if she is a self respecting healthy minded woman she will have no problem believing me regardless of my motives for telling her that I'm not her type.

 

Since women like a guy with confidence then telling her I'm not her type will ensure she has no problem agreeing with me that I'm not her type because a man who lacks so much confidence to make that statement is not her type. If you really want to shoot yourself in the foot and kill your chances with a woman then just say "I'm not your type".

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This would definitely be a huge red flag for me, and most likely a dealbreaker.

 

Could be any number of things...but it's definitely not healthy and unless addressed and sorted out, it will certainly cause problems in your relationship. Don't worry about trying to pinpoint the exact causes - that's for her to work through. You can be supportive, but you cannot do it for her. These sorts of things generally stem from longstanding and unresolved issues.

 

My advice would be to make her aware that these sorts of statements are unhealthy, and that you would like her to actively work it out and resolve it. If she is not willing, I'd bail and save yourself many headaches.

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I like to use the job analogy again! If you are interviewing a potential candidate for a job how would you feel if they walked into the interview and told you "You really don't want to hire me for the job because I'm probably going to fail" or "I don't think I'm good enough for the job".

 

You as an employer would probably have no problem agreeing with them when they make such self deprecating statements that you would probably conclude the interview right there and thank them for telling you who they really are all about.

 

If someone volunteers to tell you what they're really like early on believe them.

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Be alert, and be prepared... before you know it you're going to get the "it's not you, it's me" treatment. This type of behavior is toxic in many ways for any relationship and indicate serious insecurity problems that are already manifesting through remarks and comments.... Now imagine what she didn't tell you, imagine what goes on in her head...and then consider you only get to hear a little part of it. It takes a lot of inner turmoil for comments as you mentioned to surface like that. Think about that. Keep your hand at the emergency break...

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Don't try to play her counselor or psychiatrist. That's high maintenance and it will lower her interest level in you over time as well as your interest level.

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TalesoftheWireMonkey

The job application analogy works up to the point, but what would an employer do when that same poor candidate shows up at the office everyday eager to work and asking if there is anything jobs they can do?

 

She is the one that keeps texting, calling, contacting.

 

I know her last relationship was several years long and somewhat abusive on his part.

 

I don't know if years of hearing who knows what sort of demeaning things he said to her has made her that insecure?

 

I don't know if she wants a simple reassurance: You aren't a bad person, that's all behind you or if I need to approach it a different way?

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Nikki Sahagin

I think it is most likely an insecurity issue. I hate to say walk away only because, having insecurity issues myself, I understand how bewildering and overpowering it can be. It's a shame to have to cut someone lose because they are insecure...but it is very hard to have a relationship with someone who does not have security within themselves as you will always be having to 'top her up' in some way or another.

 

It's a hard road for the insecure that's for sure!

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The job application analogy works up to the point, but what would an employer do when that same poor candidate shows up at the office everyday eager to work and asking if there is anything jobs they can do?

Exactly what I was going to say! I had a lad on my football team who worked as hard as anyone could, put all the extra time in he could, and never let me down on the pitch, yet he was probably the only one on the team that didn't think he deserved a place in the first eleven... Didn't mean I didn't give him one!

 

 

I don't know if she wants a simple reassurance: You aren't a bad person, that's all behind you or if I need to approach it a different way?

tell her that you can hear what she's saying but your a big boy and an awesome judge of character and you know exactly what your doing!

My wife used to tell me similar actually - she wasn't insecure so much as believed it to be fact and considered herself doing the right thing by letting me know!

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I think she is actually trying to get you to chase her a bit more...

 

Just saying...

 

Be wary of the context in which phrases like this are used. If its as a joke then she is very into you and wants to keep you... If its in a serious manner run for the hills.

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The job application analogy works up to the point, but what would an employer do when that same poor candidate shows up at the office everyday eager to work and asking if there is anything jobs they can do?

Call security...or the cops???

 

What is making you persist in thinking/believing that you know her better than she knows herself?

Or, that you are the best psychotherapist/psychiatrist (knight in shining armour) to help (save) her (from herself)?

 

(I'm not sure which of those two - three? - you're leaning towards, at the moment.)

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TalesoftheWireMonkey
Call security...or the cops???

 

What is making you persist in thinking/believing that you know her better than she knows herself?

Or, that you are the best psychotherapist/psychiatrist (knight in shining armour) to help (save) her (from herself)?

 

(I'm not sure which of those two - three? - you're leaning towards, at the moment.)

 

And what exactly is so wrong with helping someone save themselves?

She comes to me with her fears and her problems and cries on my shoulder. I have wide shoulders. I'm in a more stable place than she is emotionally right now.I have the time to be there for her to listen to comfort.

Dating has gotten really, really cynical when it's considered mandatory to cut someone loose because they aren't emotionally adjusted.

I suppose in another 10 or 20 years they will have fine-tuned the recipes for mood stabilizers and anti-depressants to the point we will all be required to take them so we stay in a narrow happy bandwith of acceptable emotions.

There was a time that a knight was seen as a positive role model. Someone who eschewed his own needs to defend the poor.

Not in this day and age. If I'm not gettin' mine then there must be something I'm doing wrong to want to care about somebody.

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TalesoftheWireMonkey
I think she is actually trying to get you to chase her a bit more...

 

Just saying...

 

Be wary of the context in which phrases like this are used. If its as a joke then she is very into you and wants to keep you... If its in a serious manner run for the hills.

 

It's not in a joking manner.

It's said more in a manner to dissuade me instead of getting me to chase more.

I might say something like I'm really enjoying spending time with you and she might respond something like I'm damaged goods or I've got so much baggage. You should move on.

But then if I make some distance, don't contact her or anything I start hearing from her and sometimes she will talk about things we might do in the future like saying next summer lets go to the beach. As if she expects this to be a long term thing.

My guess is she is fishing for reassurance that I'm in it for the long haul and can accept what she sees as her negative traits?

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TalesoftheWireMonkey
Exactly what I was going to say! I had a lad on my football team who worked as hard as anyone could, put all the extra time in he could, and never let me down on the pitch, yet he was probably the only one on the team that didn't think he deserved a place in the first eleven... Didn't mean I didn't give him one!

 

 

 

tell her that you can hear what she's saying but your a big boy and an awesome judge of character and you know exactly what your doing!

My wife used to tell me similar actually - she wasn't insecure so much as believed it to be fact and considered herself doing the right thing by letting me know!

 

Shepp,

Thanks for your response. I liked this.

The response you had to your wife sounds great. That's the way I had been feeling but not expressing to her.

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