Is he just tight with money?

[Lolly81]

my boyfriend and i have been going out for just over a year. We get on great apart from the fact (a fact i have never found the courage to admit to him) that i think hes tight with money. We have so far generally had a 50/50 agreement when it comes to dinner and drink dates. If i pay dinner he gets drinks and taxi and vise versa. Although i have noticed when its something expensive he always suggests we split the bill ( i hate doing this, i dont mind with friends but i think as a couple its so unromantic) i always just end up offering to pay it all when he suggests this bc it annoys me. I am the type of person who enjoys giving people gifts and like seeing the joy it brings. I therefore also enjoy being spoiled at birthdays and christmas and sometimes would like a bunch of flowers sent to me just to say i love you just for the sake of it! My boyfriend is very loving in other ways like he tells me he loves me everyday and is very affectionate and caring. I just have a problem with his lake of gift giving. He told me recently he wanted to buy me something for our anniversairy ( i was delighted he had thought about it) he said he was willing to spend £100. I choose a piece of jewllery at £90. He turned and said no it was too expensive. He the said £50 he would spend and that it would also be my xmas present too!! is this normal? i was so so hurt considering i buy him little things all the time and buy food and cook it for him (foods expensive) and i also surprise him with gig tickets and such. What should i do? is it wrong i want someone who cares enough to get me things i like and reciprocate all the things i do for him?

[d0nnivain]

Without knowing how much he makes, he still sounds cheap. I say that because he set a budget & even when you came in under it, he changed his mind & then tried to make it two presents. He just doesn't have a generous spirit. If he has a limited income I might make more allowances but I'm still bothered by his decision to renege on a limit he set.

 

 

Some times that can be overcome but a year in, maybe not.

 

 

When I met DH he was a horrible tipper. I used to bring cash on our dates so I could slide money into the check after. Part of it was he never had money but part of it was he never had somebody to share with (which makes little sense to me because he had siblings while I'm an only child). It took a while to help him realize the "problem" but he still does stingy things so it's an on going process. For example, if I am making myself something to eat like a snack I will always ask if he wants something or I'll make enough for two. He never does that & it makes me bonkers. He is a better tipper & has become a better gift giver but again, it's an uphill battle.

[Lolly81]

thank you for your reply d0nnivain. I too have found myself slipping an extra few on the tip plate bc i have been embarrassed by my bfs tightness. What do you advise then...should i bring it up? im at the point where i see this as a deal breaker bc it hurts me so much. I cant see why hes like this if he loves me as much as he says he does.To answer you question, he makes a lot more more than me. Hes above average wage anyway and only has himself to look after.

[Copelandsanity]

my boyfriend and i have been going out for just over a year. We get on great apart from the fact (a fact i have never found the courage to admit to him) that i think hes tight with money. We have so far generally had a 50/50 agreement when it comes to dinner and drink dates. If i pay dinner he gets drinks and taxi and vise versa. Although i have noticed when its something expensive he always suggests we split the bill ( i hate doing this, i dont mind with friends but i think as a couple its so unromantic) i always just end up offering to pay it all when he suggests this bc it annoys me. I am the type of person who enjoys giving people gifts and like seeing the joy it brings. I therefore also enjoy being spoiled at birthdays and christmas and sometimes would like a bunch of flowers sent to me just to say i love you just for the sake of it! My boyfriend is very loving in other ways like he tells me he loves me everyday and is very affectionate and caring. I just have a problem with his lake of gift giving. He told me recently he wanted to buy me something for our anniversairy ( i was delighted he had thought about it) he said he was willing to spend £100. I choose a piece of jewllery at £90. He turned and said no it was too expensive. He the said £50 he would spend and that it would also be my xmas present too!! is this normal? i was so so hurt considering i buy him little things all the time and buy food and cook it for him (foods expensive) and i also surprise him with gig tickets and such. What should i do? is it wrong i want someone who cares enough to get me things i like and reciprocate all the things i do for him?

 

It's not wrong to want someone like that, but you also chose someone who isn't, lol. You both have different values and tastes when it comes to money. If he weren't in a relationship with you, he probably would never go out for expensive meals, drinks, take taxis, etc. For him, it doesn't fulfill any needs of his. When you buy him food, gig tickets, and give him nice gifts, he appreciates it, but they're not things the he ultimately cares deeply about. It's just how he's built. I'm kind of similar in some ways; I actually have gift-giving agreements with certain friends and family where we do not exchange gifts during Christmas and birthdays to reduce stress.

 

Like d0nnivain alluded to, it's an uphill battle. You can't really change a person, but what you can do is sit down and have a frank discussion about your needs. You should express him that you would like him to take you out from time to time because you want to feel feminine, that your man is taking care of you, adding spark to the relationship, and making you feel significant to him....that when you do nice things for him, it's because he is significant to you and you want to contribute to his happiness without any expectation of return...that that's how generally are with gift-giving, you love to contribute to others and you feel that giving is the huge component of being happy and fulfilled. Don't necessarily attack him for being cheap, but offer a vision of how you want the relationship to be like and how he can benefit from it because he also gets to feel fulfilled by giving and also having his needs fulfilled by you.

[Copelandsanity]

thank you for your reply d0nnivain. I too have found myself slipping an extra few on the tip plate bc i have been embarrassed by my bfs tightness. What do you advise then...should i bring it up? im at the point where i see this as a deal breaker bc it hurts me so much. I cant see why hes like this if he loves me as much as he says he does.To answer you question, he makes a lot more more than me. Hes above average wage anyway and only has himself to look after.

 

One thing at a time, lol. Just focus on the gift-giving aspect for now.

 

He loves you. It's just that you both have different thoughts and values when it comes to spending money. I know for myself, I make a decent money of money, too, but I grew up poor, and I've developed a natural instinct to constantly save and invest to make more. Even though I have no debt and a sizable nest egg, I still feel like it's never enough and it could all be taken away in an instant. It's taken me years to shift my mentality into being a more generous person.

[d0nnivain]

You have to talk about it. I tried gentle conversations but they didn't have much of an affect.

 

 

My father who was one of the most generous people ever, was infuriated by my husband's cheapness. At one point my father got so annoyed he actually confronted my the BF / now husband. I found out about it later but dad really let him have it. After that DH changed but it still doesn't come easy to him.

[preraph]

Without knowing how much he makes, he still sounds cheap.

 

^^ THIS!! He's gotten into a bad habit, and you are probably enabling him a bit. I think you need to have a real heart to heart with him and make him realize it's become a real turnoff and you're not sure this is how you want to spend the next 50 years.

[preraph]

 

When I met DH he was a horrible tipper. I used to bring cash on our dates so I could slide money into the check after. Part of it was he never had money but part of it was he never had somebody to share with (which makes little sense to me because he had siblings while I'm an only child). It took a while to help him realize the "problem" but he still does stingy things so it's an on going process. For example, if I am making myself something to eat like a snack I will always ask if he wants something or I'll make enough for two. He never does that & it makes me bonkers. He is a better tipper & has become a better gift giver but again, it's an uphill battle.

 

I will flat-out ask someone "Did you leave enough tip?" and check on it. If not, I'll certainly pitch in. I think a lot of my friends have been forced to become better tippers since we've been lunching together. I mean, a lot of times it only takes one more dollar to be a good tip, you know. My servers love me, even though I also come in and eat alone a lot, which isn't great money for them, but I tip extra when it's just me to make it worth them taking a single at a table. My couple of favorite places, they even comp me a couple of times a year. I love having good relationships with servers and restaurant managers. It makes even dining alone fun. I don't think most people realize there's rewards for being a good tipper.

[Nyc_user]

my boyfriend and i have been going out for just over a year. We get on great apart from the fact (a fact i have never found the courage to admit to him) that i think hes tight with money. We have so far generally had a 50/50 agreement when it comes to dinner and drink dates. If i pay dinner he gets drinks and taxi and vise versa. Although i have noticed when its something expensive he always suggests we split the bill ( i hate doing this, i dont mind with friends but i think as a couple its so unromantic) i always just end up offering to pay it all when he suggests this bc it annoys me. I am the type of person who enjoys giving people gifts and like seeing the joy it brings. I therefore also enjoy being spoiled at birthdays and christmas and sometimes would like a bunch of flowers sent to me just to say i love you just for the sake of it! My boyfriend is very loving in other ways like he tells me he loves me everyday and is very affectionate and caring. I just have a problem with his lake of gift giving. He told me recently he wanted to buy me something for our anniversairy ( i was delighted he had thought about it) he said he was willing to spend £100. I choose a piece of jewllery at £90. He turned and said no it was too expensive. He the said £50 he would spend and that it would also be my xmas present too!! is this normal? i was so so hurt considering i buy him little things all the time and buy food and cook it for him (foods expensive) and i also surprise him with gig tickets and such. What should i do? is it wrong i want someone who cares enough to get me things i like and reciprocate all the things i do for him?

what country are you in?

 

 

@bold

I think that is very wrong of him

 

As for the rest, nothing wrong with it. Are you a bit materialistic? why do you have to point out the expensive stuff that you do?

[Lolly81]

Thanks copelandsanity,preraph,and nyc_user for your input. I think i need to bring it up with him then,maybe hes a similar person to you then. My bf also grew up in house with very little money,so maybe that has a factor to play in these issues. However if he cant change i think i will seriously need to reconsider things.

I am from the UK to answer your question nyc_user

 

also the only reason i stated the expensive things i do for him was to highlight that i dont expect it to be all one way traffic, i dont mind doing things. In fact i want to,however i dont want to be in relationship where im the only one doing them.

 

I would not consider myself materialistic, no. I am just the type of person who thinks if i can afford to buy or do something for the person i love bc i know they will appreciate and take joy from it then i will do it. I am also the kind of person who if i know that another person can not afford to do an activity to buy something for me or for themselves then i will not embarrass them or put them in a situation that could offend or make them worry about money.

 

 

In this case i know he can afford to do more but just get the feelng he can't bring himself bc hes very tight with his cash. He even was going to allow me to pay in full for out first weekend away (we ended up bot going bc i was unwell) i really wanted him to suggest it but he didnt so i ended up suggesting the idea,and he said he would be delighted and said "i hope it wasnt too expensive" and that he couldnt wait! . Is this person just using me bc i give too much and he very little? im so confused if im just overreacting or if this is alarm bells stuff??

[preraph]

He needs to pay his way at least and not let you pay just because you want something more than he does. It's not very compatible unless you get it worked out. You'll always be limited to whatever is cheap to do or paying for it yourself and resentment will build. He needs really a good heart to heart talk where you convince him how undervalued it makes you feel and what a turnoff it is (can't stress this enough) and that he needs to get over his penny pinching for things to move forward. If you had kids with this dude, they'd be running around naked! And having kids with him may place you in a position to rely on him for money and can you imagine what a nightmare that would be? So yes, this is a major dealbreaker if you don't fix it, particularly if you want kids.

[GemmaUK]

Currently, you appear to be putting more in financially than he is.

 

 

Before doing a whole serious conversation about it I would try changing your approach for a few months/weeks and see his reaction.

 

 

Me and an ex of mine always split things 50/50 but we did treat each other as well.

When we would go on holiday was the time when I really felt the 'I want you to pay' thing (bear with me everyone before you jump on me for saying that statement!!!).

We would each go away on hols with our own spending money so at dinner we would each pay half.

I asked him if I could give him my spending money because A. I totally trusted him with it and B. He would then be the one paying for dinner - and it 'felt' like a treat.

The way I said it to him was 'can I give you my spends for the holiday? No one is gonna know..but I would love for you to take control of the cash and it'll make me feel all girly' - he got it and said yes immediately!

 

 

Maybe you could do the same when you go out and when you know it'll be a split of cash?

 

 

Also, if he does suggest a 50/50 don't go paying for all of it - all of it is not up to you most of the time - it should be shared.

 

 

I'm guessing you have no idea what he earns?

If he thinks that you earn more this might be an inferiority thing coming out a little bit. He might be finding it tough to keep up but doesn't want to say so.

 

 

And...you do say he is loving in other ways..

 

 

Try something different for a while. Scary talks can frighten a guy. Also, if you change what you are doing it's gonna make him wonder why you are changing it.

[Million.to.1]

what country are you in?

 

.....£100. I choose a piece of jewllery at £90. He turned and said no it was too expensive.

 

 

 

There is only one country in the world that has £ (pounds) currency. Are you serious that you don't know which country it is?

[GemmaUK]

.....£100. I choose a piece of jewllery at £90. He turned and said no it was too expensive.

 

 

 

There is only one country in the world that has £ (pounds) currency. Are you serious that you don't know which country it is?

 

 

Aw!

Everyone I know has been having serious brain freeze the last few days - including me! I put it down to the new moon!

 

 

It's not my fault so I am taking no responsibility.

[Nyc_user]

.....£100. I choose a piece of jewllery at £90. He turned and said no it was too expensive.

 

 

 

There is only one country in the world that has £ (pounds) currency. Are you serious that you don't know which country it is?

 

i confused with the the euro lol silly mistake

[Davey L]

Actually, contrary to most, I would advise a spending/generous person to marry a meaner and more financially careful person. That is the case with the wife and I. Each then complements the other. If two big spenders marry it would easily end in bankruptcy, two mean people will live in poverty with millions in the bank. Think balance!

[Radu]

Now i know i'm a freak.

 

I don't tip.

And when i do tip it's not much.

 

But what pisses me off is being expected to tip; to me [and i'm sure some others] it's like you are telling me what to do with my money ... my work.

If you pretend you don't have the change or that you forget and it leads to that awkward silence [cab drivers tend to do this here] ... i have the feeling that you are putting your hand in my damn pocket and taking the money.

If you tip for me or donate money in my name to some place ... that is also insulting because you are effectively emasculating me or at best ... just saying that I [as an adult] cannot have my own opinion on the matter. That my decision does not matter.

 

So there you have it; i know i have problems in tipping [it's not that expected here as in the west] and i'm working on it ... but are you sure OP [and others] that your actions were without fault themselves ?

[lollipopspot]

I don't tip.

And when i do tip it's not much.

 

But what pisses me off is being expected to tip; to me [and i'm sure some others] it's like you are telling me what to do with my money ... my work.

If you pretend you don't have the change or that you forget and it leads to that awkward silence [cab drivers tend to do this here] ... i have the feeling that you are putting your hand in my damn pocket and taking the money.

If you tip for me or donate money in my name to some place ... that is also insulting because you are effectively emasculating me or at best ... just saying that I [as an adult] cannot have my own opinion on the matter. That my decision does not matter.

 

So there you have it; i know i have problems in tipping [it's not that expected here as in the west] and i'm working on it ... but are you sure OP [and others] that your actions were without fault themselves ?

 

Where are you from? You have to realize that if you're in the US, it's a custom here, and there's a reason for it. You could think of tipping as being built into the cost of going out. Friendly note: you probably have an accent and you may be one of the few people from your country that some servers in the US have met. As a kind of representative of your country, I probably would try to tip more in line with what is standard here. This is in part how negative stereotypes about people from other countries are made.

 

Long ago I was a server, and there were certain groups of people everyone dreaded, because they tipped terribly, asked for a lot, and sometimes weren't very nice on top of it. I'm sure that you are nice, but you don't want people dreading you coming into their establishment.

 

If I don't want to tip (which honestly, I don't) then I go to the kind of establishment where I'm not waited on. I know cabs are hard to avoid though.

[Nyc_user]

I tip

20% minimum

[anne1707]

In the UK where the OP is from, a tip is usually expected to be around 10%

[Nyc_user]

In the UK where the OP is from, a tip is usually expected to be around 10%

 

and in france none?

[anne1707]

and in france none?

 

The OP lives in the UK and is talking about tipping in the UK so tipping in France is not relevant

[GemmaUK]

In the UK where the OP is from, a tip is usually expected to be around 10%

 

 

Yep.

Any 'service' is tip worthy.

This includes coffee, meals, hair dressers and any other personal grooming service, dog walking, the postman at Christmas.

 

 

Tipping is part of the deal in the UK.

It's been the same for 30 years or more.

 

 

If you don't tip then I have had the experience where they ask why. This can be awkward.

 

 

Also though some places add a service charge. It's an 'charged tip' and it is part of the bill. You are pretty much liable to pay it. Arguing it would be more hassle than it's worth.

[newmoon]

sounds like a love language issue and he doesn't speak yours (gifts and money). read the 5 Love Languages, or give it to him and get familiar with the types of behaviors you both need to make the other person happy. it could be as simple as just mentioning it to him. i also love giving/getting gifts and often find myself with men who do not. it's a real downer, and you really cannot force change, but only let them know what will keep making you happy. and you should STOP giving anything to him, because the generosity you like doesn't inspire him in the same way. also, splitting stuff 50/50 so much when you're in a ltr has become part of your issue as well. whether you are willing to own it or not, a guy who gets used to splitting with a gf will often not give her gifts because he hasn't/isn't investing in her. you stay in a friendly space instead of elevating yourself to someone he wants to treat and shower with stuff. kinda your own independence working against you there as well.

[Radu]

Where are you from? You have to realize that if you're in the US, it's a custom here, and there's a reason for it. You could think of tipping as being built into the cost of going out. Friendly note: you probably have an accent and you may be one of the few people from your country that some servers in the US have met. As a kind of representative of your country, I probably would try to tip more in line with what is standard here. This is in part how negative stereotypes about people from other countries are made.

 

I don't live in the US but i am aware of the custom.

Also that would not be a problem.

Most ppl identify my accent as 'russian' though it's not. This would work well as i don't like Russia. ))

 

Long ago I was a server, and there were certain groups of people everyone dreaded, because they tipped terribly, asked for a lot, and sometimes weren't very nice on top of it. I'm sure that you are nice, but you don't want people dreading you coming into their establishment.

I make a mental note never to return to an establishment that was terrible.

 

Tips are done here in restaurants and bars but never to the extent of the ones in the US.

I usually prefer to go to places where tipping is not expected [McD ... KFC].

 

If I don't want to tip (which honestly, I don't) then I go to the kind of establishment where I'm not waited on. I know cabs are hard to avoid though.

This is where i think differently.

 

From my pov if an establishment exists ... then it exists to serve anyone and everyone.

And if i have to tip ... then my money should represent the quality of the service i get.

 

If the service is crap don't expect a tip.