Is this normal?

[Mommame2]

If you are dating someone... Is it normal for them to erupt in swearing fits and screaming when getting stuck in traffic ? Like pounding the steering wheel and screaming for 10 or 15 min at a time?

[MidwestUSA]

It's normal for him if he has a problem managing anger.

 

Is this the awesome doctor who demands to snoop your phone? Have you decided to put your son first or give your husband full custody?

 

 

If you have to keep asking 'is this normal', it's not.

[Mommame2]

I have put my son first but my ex has chosen to lawyer up and go try and take my son from me since I hate long work hours. He works from home And says he's going to "ruin me". I have no money left so he will win. He got money from his family.

 

I'm in hell. And BF is def showing anger issues and is saying he will pay my legal bills. But he wants to talk to my Attorney and run the show. So I said no. I'd rather be broke and deal with my own problems.

[eye of the storm]

You are exposing your son to a man who screams and pounds his fists (a temper tantrum) and demands to control your life. Is this what you want your son to think is normal? Because after awhile, it will be normal to him.

 

Your ExH may be the best choice right now for your son. Sometimes putting a child first means knowing you are not in a good place and they would be better off with their other parent.

 

Keeping your son while you are dealing with your unhealthy relationship may be for your best interest, but look really hard and try to decide if it is in your son's best interest.

 

I hope it works out for you both.

[beach]

No. It will never be normal. Run!

[eye of the storm]

I just went back and read some of your older posts regarding your ex.

 

You are in a tough situation. But I will repeat the advice you got on the other thread. You need to stop dating right now.

 

You only have so much time, energy, and focus. Every time you split that (for what ever reason) it lessens the amount you can spend on the other things.

 

You have a son in a bad situation. He needs every bit of focus, time, and energy you can spare. Splitting it for a BF (esp one with as many issues as you write about) is not smart.

 

Dump the angry control freak, you will be able to concentrate and work on what you need to work on. Which is your job and your son.

 

You can't see a way out right now because your are scattered in so many directions. Cut out the unnecessary. Kid, Job, Legal matters, and Bills. That is it. Everything else goes on the shelf. Get thru this. Get your feet under you and then start dating.

 

On a side note...my ExH loved screaming and throwing fits in the car. And to me it was normal. My daughter now does the same thing. I get tense and nauseous every time either one of them does it. But is was completely normal to me. Just because something is normal does not mean it is right or that you should tolerate it. Now when someone throws a fit in a car I tell them to calm down or pull over. I will not engage with them on anything else till they either calm down or pull over. I no longer accept certain behaviors, normal or not. And neither should you.

[CarrieT]

You KNOW it is not normal.

 

And, frankly, I'm surprised you are even asking if it is normal, when you know - deep down - that it is horrible.

 

The next step in his anger will be physical against you - and then your son. Why are you subjecting yourself to this abuse?

[todreaminblue]

I wouldnt consider this normal behavior ...sounds like road rage......do you ever ask him to stop and control himself

[Mommame2]

It is a tough spot. He is offering to pay for my legal bills so I can fight to keep my son ..: but he wants to "run the show" and direct my attorney etc.

 

He is upset that I don't allow him to talk to my lawyers currently or listen to my advice.

 

I was planning to move with my son ... And take a better job/hours but my ex got a temporary order for geography. So now we are forced into mediation. My attorney says it will likely cost another 20k. I don't havd 20k. Ex has family money now...

[eye of the storm]

You are in between a rock and a hard place.

 

The BF is not giving you money to keep you son, he is using it as a control function. You will owe him. He also wants everything done his way. It is a very slippery path. And from the outside looking in...a very rough ending.

 

Then on the other side you have your ExH using a family pot of money to steam roll you to get your son. Not so he can have your son, but again as a way of control.

 

Rock meet hard place.

 

Again, outside looking in...

 

Call your ExH, meet for coffee. In public. My ExH and I used to meet at coffee shops. Kept us both calm and polite. Ask him if both of you blowing 20-50K each is smart. Ask him if he has thought of the damage a lengthy and bitter custody fight will have on your son. Then if he is still willing to listen, get ready to make some concessions. You are going to have to give up some things to keep this out of court.

 

You are going to have to get down on the floor (figuratively) and figure out what you are going to be able to live with and what you aren't. And do this before you meet him.

 

You might have to agree to 50/50 custody. In many cases if you have actual 50/50 custody, there is no child support as you are both supporting him equally. If you move 2 hours away for a better job, you may have to let him have custody during the school year with you getting every other weekend but you get X holidays and him for the summer. But tell your ExH that will be renegotiated (between you both) every year so you both can take into account that things change. You are going to have to give some things up right now. But you both need to talk. Away from your son.

 

You both need to act in the child's best interest. Which means no more tell your mom this or tell your dad that. You two agree to communicate calmly and civilly. I have found email is best. It gives you a chance to edit for tone better than a phone call. Your ExH may be using this custody fight to force you to come back so if he makes any comments to that effect. Tell him that right now you both need to focus on what is important. Co-parenting your child.

 

this is a mess and I am so sorry. For everyone involved

 

But you and your ExH need to try one last time to talk and keep this out of the courts. Nobody will win, esp your son.

 

Remember to always be calm, civil, and polite when you talk to him.

 

Good luck

[Mommame2]

This is a mess and my bf would be livid if he heard I was meeting my ex alone even in a public place. He is upset that I would go guns a blazing on him and he wants to use his money to get it done. But yes... He says "you will pay me back, I'm sure". Bf also wants me to move in with him and quit my job that's 2 hours from him.

 

What I worry about is the control he'd have over me if I did that and had no means to support myself right away.

 

I have a great paying job now and giving it up (even w better hours) is not easy. I have never been dependent on anyone.

[beach]

But yes, you have been dependent on men.

 

So much so that you are willing to tolerate unacceptable behavior to have make attention.

 

You may not have needed their money but you seem to need a man to validate you emotionally.

 

This man is abusive. Why not be on your own while you get the divorce finalized? That would help you make more balanced decisions FOR yourself.

[preraph]

Well, it's not good. I am a cusser/screamer while driving, but I only do it under my breath if I have someone in the car with me, out of politeness. So I'm saying he has a problem controlling his anger if he can't even do it in front of a date and of course that can be dangerous in a relationship and also just very very unpleasant. So not good. An anger-management course might do him wonders.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

If you are dating someone... Is it normal for them to erupt in swearing fits and screaming when getting stuck in traffic ? Like pounding the steering wheel and screaming for 10 or 15 min at a time?

 

This is a ticking timebomb, literally I say,

Stop talking to this guy, just stay away.

Imagine, he blows up in the car about someone he doesn't know

What happens when there's an issue and you two go toe-to-toe?

[eye of the storm]

mommame, let him be livid. He has nothing to do with the interactions between you and your child's father.

 

That is just another reason you need to let him go. He is muddying the waters right now with his demands.

 

This is between a mother and a father and ONLY those two need to figure out how to co-parent and get along well enough to raise a healthy well-adjusted child.

 

Dealing with this man is causing you to try to juggle keeping him happy, his demands that you become financially dependent on him and his desire to control how you interact with your child's father.

 

Do you ever stop to think the BF is just another reason you are having issues with your Ex. Not jealousy on the Ex's part but you may be acting or saying things that aggravate the situation because of the BF?

 

Focus on what is important. Your child.

 

Good luck

[serial muse]

mommame, let him be livid. He has nothing to do with the interactions between you and your child's father.

 

That is just another reason you need to let him go. He is muddying the waters right now with his demands.

 

This is between a mother and a father and ONLY those two need to figure out how to co-parent and get along well enough to raise a healthy well-adjusted child.

 

Dealing with this man is causing you to try to juggle keeping him happy, his demands that you become financially dependent on him and his desire to control how you interact with your child's father.

 

Do you ever stop to think the BF is just another reason you are having issues with your Ex. Not jealousy on the Ex's part but you may be acting or saying things that aggravate the situation because of the BF?

 

Focus on what is important. Your child.

 

Good luck

 

Indeed! I have no doubt, based on everything you've posted about him previously, that your boyfriend would not like you to meet with the father of your child. He wants you to do things his way, which involves him paying for your lawyer and controlling the course of things.

 

But that is not in your best interest or your child's best interest. What you decide to do as far as co-parenting is in no way your BF's domain. It is yours. And if your child is best served by having a calm, rational conversation about things with your ex, so that you can continue to co-parent rather than having your ex take over primary custody, and so that you don't have to spend tens of thousands of dollars in a fruitless battle, then that is what you should do. Regardless of your BF's wishes on the matter.

 

If he refuses to see reason, and instead erupts in rage, then you KNOW what to do. He doesn't seem to want what's best for you, only for HIM.

[veggirl]

God I hope he at least has the decency not to act like a f*cking animal in front of your child!!

 

He's psycho.

 

Why do you make so many excuses for him? Because of his money?

 

If he made 40k a year, would you still put up with this behavior?

[Mommame2]

Last night he started telling me he felt "something was weird" and that I'm "obviously not telling him the whole picture" and he keeps suggesting I'm lying to him. For example my new attorney moved an appointment to later in the week. When I told my bf that ... He said that was "too strange" and I said are you saying I'm lying?! I said you heard the phone conversation! He said well I only heard your voice... Not his. I said so you think I lied?! He said "no I just don't know..."

 

I laid in bed and thought ... Wow. I can't even get him to believe a simple conversation.

 

And now I am supposed to have my son next week .. This is a change.. And he said fine... I'm not coming to visit... Because being around this situation is "a nightmare". He eventually said he was rescheduling his work load so he could come to be with me for the week. It requires him traveling 2.5 hours each way. I have not asked him to do this... But I think he comes because he feels he can control my surroundings etc. when we have a couple days apart... He melts down. Calls and texts constantly to tell me he's worried. Something's wrong. He feels "anxious". He can't understand why he is so concerned but his gut tells him something is wrong w me....

Edited November 26, 2014 by Mommame2

[MidwestUSA]

I'm starting to think you should have stayed with your husband. Worked out the bankruptcy thing. If I could reach thru this screen and shake you, I would.

 

Yes, something is wrong. Very, very wrong. You're in danger, unless you're a creative writer just pulling our legs. I can't believe some of the things you've accepted as normal behavior.

 

 

You make good money and can be self sufficient. Do it. And seek therapy.

[Mommame2]

Why do you think I should have just stayed with my ex husband?

 

 

And -- no -- I'm not a creative writer. I am telling you the truth...

 

 

The problem is I never really "dated"...I was always with my husband. So, I keep wondering if my BF behavior is normal?

 

 

I messaged my ex tonight and asked him if -- for our son's sake-- he would want to reconcile. His response "Does your boyfriend know you are asking me this, because if not -- I wouldn't want to wish that on even HIM..."

 

 

I take that as a "no"...

[eye of the storm]

Mommame, why are you so afraid to be on your own? You went from one man to another.

 

You know deep down you are in a bad, unhealthy, and potentially dangerous situation.

 

I don't think you should reconcile for your son, I think you should stop all this "the man says/does" crap and put your foot down and be a mother.

 

I can't meet with my Ex because of the BF I can't move for my job because of the Ex. Good grief!!! Are you really that weak?!

 

No wonder your Ex is going after custody, he sees that you are trapped and doesn't want his son exposed to the madness you are in.

 

Instead of telling your BF, this has nothing to do with you and I need you to butt out, you are STILL letting him control your thoughts, plans, and emotions. Even though you should be starting to see that he is going to help you lose your son. That is what he is doing, helping you lose your son.

 

Is the BF worth your son? That is what you need to realize it is coming down to.

 

Think with the part of yourself that is a mother and not the part that is afraid to be alone.

 

You need to get out, clear your head, get some IC to find out why you allowed this and how to never allow it again, and then Co-Parent with your ExH.

 

I am hoping all the best for you.

[Mommame2]

Well last night he told me that either I move to be with him with my son or we are going to have problems.

 

What that means is if I don't get full custody ... He isn't willing to have me travel to see him every other weekend. It's 2.5 hours. He says he isn't willing to allow that.

[MidwestUSA]

Well last night he told me that either I move to be with him with my son or we are going to have problems.

 

What that means is if I don't get full custody ... He isn't willing to have me travel to see him every other weekend. It's 2.5 hours. He says he isn't willing to allow that.

 

Why are you even considering letting someone tell you what he 'will or will not allow'?

 

'Either I move, or.......'

'We are going to have problems' (guess what! You're going to have problems whether you move or not)

'He isn't willing'.

'He says'.

'He told me'.

 

Where is your spine? This man has 'control freak' stamped on his forehead, and you don't see it. I feel for your son.

[eye of the storm]

Mommame, you are allowing some man to tell you what you will and will not do with your son.

 

Stop and think for a few. Is that healthy? Is that reasonable? Is that in your son's best interest?

 

You have never answered the question. Is this man worth your son? Because even you have to see that is exactly what is happening here.

[Mommame2]

There are times I worry about myself...because I have considered the fact that my son may be better off without me in his life....

 

 

Maybe my ex is better off caring for him? I have always been the worker ...when my son was little -- I was insanely like "mother bear" ...I was SO worried about him -- all the time. So much so, I never even wanted to go out on date night -- because I was worried about being selfish.

 

 

But, after my ex encouraged me to take this better paying job -- that had bad hours for son -- I started to lose that ... I was no longer capable of going to his soccer practices (because I was working at the time) and all the after school events -- all went to my ex. He became father of the year and I lost the compulsion to be there for everything -- I felt like I had lost my family.

 

 

Then came the divorce -- and now I feel like my son has been turned against me by my ex. And son hates spending time with me... and calls me a liar ---because "daddy said so..." What good could come of me being in his life? Apparently -- I'm a horrible person....