My fiance, leaves me during conflicts and fight/has an attraction to another man

[Brand oh]

So I have been in a 2 year relationship with my fiancé, this relationship has had consistent ups and downs. When any conflict arises between the two of us my fiancé gives me back the engagement ring, and breaks up with me. She treats me in a cruel manner when she gets upset with me, swearing, calling me names, telling me she doesn't love me, and saying basic things she knows will hurt me deeply. Eventually she snaps out of this attitude a treats me fairly, considerately, and great. It just seems like we can go from 1 to 100 at the drop of a pen. I feel as though I treat her fairly, I don’t believe any conflict is one sided.. however due to my cultural beliefs I treat her in a sacred manner, I am not saying I bow down to her or anything but I have never allowed myself to say anything that would offend her or hurt her intentionally, I have never sworn at her. I have always attempted to remain clam and kind during conflict, when I feel like I might lose my cool I tell her I'll come back later to sort this out, and then go for a walk to calm down. This makes her upset because she says I just walk away, I have tried to explain I need time to calm down, because I don't want to say anything I'll regret when I am upset. For me I need to think and calm down before I talk about a heated conflict or issues.. I need time to myself to brainstorm solutions, and think about what I did wrong, and what I can do better. Yet, every time I need to leave and come back she simply refuses to talk to me and pushes me away from her when I try to resolve the conflict. Often times she wont tell me what is wrong, she just tell me it is over... and I am left in a confused state not knowing what I did wrong. I cant sleep that night, or do anything productive when we have these arguments. I can understand having an argument and being upset with each other now and then, but these break ups every time something happens are taking a toll on me.. I am becoming anxious about every small thing I might do to upset her.

 

The real issue at play here seems to revolve around a feeling of obligation to stay with me, do to our families’ connections to each other. Everything seems to be okay until she has to meets my extend family members or vice versa.. Then she has these feelings of being obligated to be with me and wants out. Once the feelings fade everything is all good again after we break up and get back together. She expressed during this feeling of obligation once during a break up, then later out said she didn't feel that way and wanted to get married very soon. It goes back and fourth I don't know how she really feels. I have tried to talk things out, but she does not like discussing her feelings. Secondly, she says there is someone else she has affection for.

 

One of our breakups lasted less than a week and she immediately got a boyfriend during that period, she tells me that he just understands her. Which is frustrating because I could understand her to if she took the time to explain how she was feeling, I have very little to go off of. Anyways after we got back together I didn’t mind her still talking to this guy she essentially left me for, because she claimed he was a good friend. However, she told me a few months ago that she had an urge to cheat on me, and this other guy was encouraging her to follow through with that urge, and encouraging it to the best of his ability. Needless to say this upset me, and I told her if we were going to make this work I didn’t want her to talk to this guy anymore. So she stopped talking to him and deleted him from all social media and what not. Our relationship was going good until she started talking to him again last week. I saw that she added him again as she encountered him through a common friend in a video game. She told me what happened I was upset.. we talked about it and I agreed I didn’t mind if they continued speaking, as she claimed she would allow me to talk to a female friend of mine if the roles were reversed, and she was in my position. In the end she has developed feeling for this individual again.. and I am uncertain about what I should do next or how to resolve our issues. I do love her and want to spend the rest of my life with her, and am willing to go to any length to make this work. However in the current state of this relationship these constant break ups, other person of affection, the relationship is becoming unhealthy as when things are bad I have a hard time functioning normally. What should I do?

Note: I am 22 years old and this is my first serious relationship..

[Gloria25]

Do you know the statistics are against people who marry in their 20's - especially young 20's?

 

You're young, you have almost another decade to chose a wife. People in their 20's are still developing/maturing. They will not be the same person at 20, 25 and/or 30.

 

Do what you wanna do, but you're already getting a glimpse of what marriage will be like with her.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Hi OP,

 

As this is your first serious relationship, you have nothing to compare it to. Yes, relationships do endure ups and downs but these should not be consistent. If your ups and downs are 50/50 or more, this is an unhealthy sign.

 

It is very immature of your fiance to break up with you any time that you 2 disagree and to throw your engagement ring back in your face. The fact that she has an attraction to another man is at worst infidelity and at best attention seeking on her part.

 

I think the next time she throws your engagement ring back in your face, you should tell her that is the last time she will be doing that and she should consider the engagement broken. She is not treating you as an equal partner. The dynamic of power in the relationship has shifted.

 

She feels that she wields all of the power and that she can laud it over you at every opportunity when things aren't going her way. She doesn't sound mature enough to handle an engagement. Imagine what it will be like when you are married to her?!

 

You are young enough that you will be able to find a partner who will work WITH you through conflict, not against you. Do you want to marry a woman who cannot handle conflict; what about when she's pregnant? Hormonal? Overtired? The normal strains of marriage? Think carefully about whether or not you want to be tied to a woman like this.

 

You don't necessarily need to break up with her but you DO need to let her understand that if you are to be married, she cannot behave this way. Make it a long engagement and see if things improve CONSISTENTLY, not only now and then. If they don't, I think you should consider breaking up with her.

 

You sound like a lovely man who has much respect for women and relationships. You will be treasured by a mature woman. Do not worry about not finding love again if you do decide to leave your fiance because you will be appreciated by the correct women. She just may not be it.

 

She needs to find an appropriate way to voice her concerns and to handle her emotions. She may be anxious, depressed, hormonal, stressed - but the whole purpose of a relationship is that you can confide in your partner, not say nothing and just freak out. Explain to her that you love her but you cannot tolerate her approach to conflict. Perhaps the two of you can find a way to meet in the middle; you need to walk away to calm down, she wishes to discuss it - is there a way you can compromise? Can she write down why she is upset and you can read it and take the time to process it and then the 2 of you meet for discussion? It is possible that you can save this if you both want to but only if you work together and she makes some changes CONSISTENTLY.

 

Wishing you the best OP.

Edited November 25, 2014 by Nikki Sahagin

[Gloria25]

Hi OP,

 

As this is your first serious relationship, you have nothing to compare it to.

 

And that's why people in their 20's shouldn't be taking dating so seriously...they should be taking the time to figure out what the want in a mate. The more you date, you figure out your options, likes/dislikes.

 

Mind you, I'm not saying "sleep around", I'm saying "date". In your 20's you're also in environments/situations where you're exposed to multiple people where you can date and/or spend time with others w/o the pressure of having to sleep with them.

 

See, back in the day - and still in some cultures, the parents would arrange marriages. I guess cuz the parents were doing it based on their knowledge of what they believed what is best for you. But, now a days, we are left to make our own choices in dating - and yep, often w/o knowledge and/or experience to choose wisely.

[ascendotum]

When she was back with you, you should have forbidden contact with this dude. I see you did eventually, when she confessed to having urges to cheat. What bf/gf says that! ....just saw she is your fiance..that's even worse!!! Anyway now she is back talking to him. She would allow you to talk to a female friend but would she allow you keep txting a former gf/fling/fwb??

 

As you said she is your first gf. You can and will do better. She is in contact with a guy who she likely slept with (and confesses she has cheating feelings for) on one of her impulsive mini break ups. She also says nasty things to hurt you. She knows you are "willing to go to any length to make this work", so she knows you are a sure thing and have low self confidence and she can walk all over you, and you will put up with her shyte.

 

The impulsive thing couldn't even wait out a week to cool off, without doing another guy, but he 'understand' her so it was ok. She came back likely because he was not looking for a gf, but just a fwb. Best thing you can do is find another gf, this time one with less drama. In the meantime, go back to your original rule on this 'friend' of hers...no contact. He was/is more than friend. She ****ed him and had/has urges to do it with him again. It'll happen..The next time she has a dummy spit, she'll rush to his arms for consolation. Don't get oneitis on your first gf. So many options out there for a guy your age. DON'T marry this woman.

Edited November 26, 2014 by ascendotum

[whichwayisup]

So I have been in a 2 year relationship with my fiancé, this relationship has had consistent ups and downs. When any conflict arises between the two of us my fiancé gives me back the engagement ring, and breaks up with me. She treats me in a cruel manner when she gets upset with me, swearing, calling me names, telling me she doesn't love me, and saying basic things she knows will hurt me deeply.

 

Such drama and it sounds like she's quite immature, has crappy communication skills, is rude, is cruel, is disrespectful towards you.

 

Get used it to, this is your life if you marry her. I hope you see that she isn't long term or wife material. Not unless she gets some counseling to learn how to be respectful, be nice, considerate, kind and loving. She has issues and lashes at you to hurt you ON purpose.

 

Break off your engagement. Really think if this is the person you want to be married to for the rest of your life.

[Woggle]

Tell her next time she leaves she better mean it because there is no coming back.