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Very concerned about my dating prospects


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I've been reading this forum for a while but never dared post until now - I can see posters on here find it easy to speak your mind, so please be gentle...

 

 

I'm a recently divorced 40-year old mother of 2 (got divorced in August but was separated for over three years before the divorce was finalised). My 11-year marriage wasn't an easy one (he lied compulsively to me about his family circumstances, his studies, his past relationships, the price of butter, would use my bank card without my permission, wouldn't let me see my friends, tried to cut me off from my family, etc.) but now that I'm single, it doesn't look like my life is that much better.

 

 

I live away from my family and look after my children pretty much by myself - their father occasionally visits for a few hours on a Saturday (his choice), and they go to him (a 45-minute flight journey) for half of most holidays. He's a relatively decent father when he is with them but is not at all a co-parent unfortunately, just a fun-time guy. Of course the children love seeing him, which I'm happy and relieved about (I've heard too many stories of children not having the chance to get to spend time with their fathers and didn't want it to happen to mine), but it obviously makes it a lot harder for me in terms of discipline and how they see / respect me.

 

 

Whilst it's nice to have a break during the holiday, I feel like a widow more than a divorced mother. The pressure of looking after them all on my own is difficult to deal with at times, and as I look after them 24/7, this makes me, at least to some posters on here, completely undateable, and I completely understand that. I'm no sure I'd want to date me...

 

 

I've not had one relationship since my marriage broke down 3 years ago, partly because it's not my area of expertise (I didn't have much experience before I met my ex-husband), partly because I'm really scared of falling into the same trap, but mostly because I feel like my situation would put any decent man off.

 

 

I don't really have time for myself as it is, so I can't see how I'd have time for someone else; he'd have to deal with my children always being there, give or take a few weeks in the year - if even their own father wants to spend as little time as possible with them, I can't see someone who isn't their father wanting to deal that all the time, and it feels like most of the men who wouldn't be put off by my situation would likely have exhausted all other avenues......

 

 

I'm told I'm attractive (I don't really feel that way though, after years of feeling invisible), I'm educated, love my job, have two gorgeous kids, a great family, friends I can rely on but still feel so sad that I'll likely be spending the rest of my life on my own.

 

 

Is anyone else in this situation? Do you eventually adjust to this? Does it get better?

 

 

Thanks for reading in any case - I didn't mean it to be that long!

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A lot of divorced women feel like you. Is there any way you could move closer to your family? As it is, the kids need to fly to see him anyway, so it isn't like you would be pulling them out of their hometown.

 

Depending on where you live, your dating prospects could be very good or very bad.

 

Don't make too much out of your desirability because of the kids. Lots of single fathers like or prefer single moms because they can relate.

 

Do your best to avoid men who have been divorced less than a year, but preferably two years if you want a relationship. They are still reliving their adolescence and are in their hot mess stage. Lots of them do a whole lot of damage during that time with all of their confusion.

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I'll most certainly give you some encouraging words based on personal experience with friends and other people in general.

 

Despite your marriage wasn't an easy one and a seed of doubt in regards to yourself and others have been planted in your mind, I'd say that is only a natural reaction. Being lied to consistently and especially in damaging ways you've experienced is really not something that is healthy for any human to be exposed to. The good thing is, that is now a part of your past and while not a pleasant memory, it has and will help you be on the lookout to avoid such things in the future.

 

You question yourself in regards to being good dating material currently and the answer to that is both yes and no. Actually it really just depends on you and let me explain why I'm of that opinion. A good, honest and understanding man, (same with a woman naturally), would always be able to empathize with your situation. I know that it's important to be available for each other, but things will naturally change over time as you get to know each other better. You are told you are attractive which is an advantage of course in attracting most men, but a decent man will appreciate your personal qualities above all else. Patience is not for everyone but it's a valuable trait, especially when it comes to getting to know someone whom is possibly still struggling a bit with her/his new situation.

 

I understand it can be challenging to some, if the only time you can spend together with someone new, is always going to include your children, but a real keeper wouldn't shy away from a challenge like that. With a creative mind you can easily make that work, especially if you are open to ideas and approaches that make it a fun experience for everyone, while you naturally establish a bond. I've seen it work and to be honest, it very much depends on how much of an energy surplus you feel you have to welcome someone new into your life.

 

In the end, you really shouldn't be or feel discouraged and hopefully you are a person whom doesn't give up on things too fast. There are men out there whom are more than understanding and willing to be with someone even if there will be challenges. As with most things, the only real limit is yourself. I've net let someone's personal status or situation, prevent me from befriending them or otherwise, if they have strong personal trait and abilities I truly value. I would recommend everyone doing the same but as always, everyone is entitled to do and treat others as they wish. I just know it's possible to find love, passion, friendship, relationship anywhere and with anyone if you both welcome in. Naturally this may present the biggest challenge of them all, but everyone out there has the potential to be exactly what you seek.

 

You like any other person on this planet deserve to be happy, and while this may not be something you will hear from many, yeah even your ex deserve to be happy. We just can't bind ourselves and let negative emotions take over ever. It's a destructive path to do so, but with that said, everyone is totally in their right to feel hurt, let down, insecure, angry etc. over how other people have mistreated them. As a last thing I'll just say that it's our own job to learn to filter out all the "garbage" that plagues our life and and that we know can bring unhappiness. Perhaps it's unfortunate that it's the bad experiences that make us know what we don't want, but in an odd way, it's actually a blessing.

 

So hope you at least feel a tiny bit better, there's really every reason to.

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todreaminblue

i was with my ex for fifteen years.......never married so i am not divorced.....but i am a single mother of five.....similar situation...my kids are older though but they fly down to him an spend time with him.....i have full custody....and a good working relationship with my ex......

 

 

i dont think we are undateable as single mums......i think we have to be more careful because whoever we date if lasting relationships, that guy will be part of our kids lives too thats always in the back of my head ...like a prod in the forehead......every date......same thing...that forehead prod...think of your kids.....what i would have put up with as a single woman is not at any level close to what i cant abide with now.....so although it doesnt make me undateable to be a single mum.......it is always in my mind my children are my first responsibility and i have to look after their interests as well as my own needs and desires.....i have to make sure that they can look up to the guy i am with not down upon......they have to respect him......

 

 

my ex wants me to find a nice guy......for me ...he is with someone....so anybody that i am with also joins the role model ranks.......

 

i have found....and this really sucks.......that guys view me for sex and not a permanent relationship.......which is what i would only be happy in a permanent one on one relationship.......i dont take it as a compliment quite a few guys want to sleep with me.....i see it as they want to use me and throw me away...i am not good enough or too much baggage for a relationship......so i am taking a break............its disheartening......and it plays on a sub conscious level ....that i dont feel good enough for a nice guy ....guys who just want me for sex are the ones that seem to ask me out...........make me feel that, even more,that feeling of not good enough.........deb

so its a bit of a minefield...thats what i have found........deb

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Nikki Sahagin

Hi OP.

 

First off you sound like a wonderful lady.

 

I think dating seems so overwhelming to you because your self-esteem is low, your experience levels are low and you are feeling tired and further overwhelmed by the HUGE responsibility of pretty much raising your children alone. I have a LOT of respect for what you are doing and although I haven't been through what you are personally going through, I can appreciate how hard it must often feel.

 

I think you need to try to change the script in your head. You say that you are concerned that another man wouldn't want to take on you and your children but this happens EVERY DAY. In my opinion it is a myth that the single mother is unwanted. Many women with children end up with a new partner. There are countless examples I know of in my daily life. My mother's best friend was a single mum for 13 years before she met and married her current husband and he treats her son like his own and is always there for her.

 

Of course it is frightening and there is doubt and fear. Even single people with no 'baggage' find dating scary.

 

Just remind yourself that you are attractive, as people have been telling you that you are. If you don't feel it - rediscover it. Take a little time to dress wear, wear a bit of make-up, do your hair or wear that dress that you tell yourself you shouldn't. Have a glass of champagne, a bubble bath, a facial - you need to reconnect with yourself as a desirable, attractive woman. It may seem silly or hard to make time for, but you can do it :) It only needs to be baby steps.

 

You don't need to believe it straight away - just go through the motions; fake it til you make it.

 

Is there anyone that can help you with the kids? Family, baby sitters, friends - so that you can get the work/life balance right? It's unfair that your ex has left you with all of the responsibility. I am so sorry that you are having to take such a burden but this will be okay. Also remember - your children will grow and your time will free up and things will get easier. This doesn't mean you need to postpone your dating life until your children grows up, it just means if now doesn't work out, there is always later.

 

Finally, there is no guarantee that any of us will end up with someone. It's all a case of half luck, half effort. Try to enjoy being single. I know it's hard when time is short and you have such responsibilities, but see if you can. Embrace being free and just let life unfold. You will fumble and trip up, but ward off the negative thoughts and just think 'this will happen for me.'

 

I wish you all the best OP and don't you worry - everything WILL be fine.

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Don't you think it's about time someone forced your exhusband to grow up? The only way you have a real chance at a semi-normal life now is if you insist he do joint custody and let him use up his "happy go lucky" time raising the kids himself. I know you don't trust him with them, but you trusted him enough to have them with him. He needs to grow up and be a parent! You don't get to be a parent only when it's convenient! Stop enabling him to be a child himself and go back to court and insist he take half the responsibility. The kids don't need an absentee father. It will force him to understand what your life is like and force him instead of you to make some compromises in his job instead of you having to have some little or no job because of the kids. It will give you a chance to have a social life and a sleep night and a spa day and a real life! Don't just take on all the responsibility yourself. Make him take some too.

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eye of the storm

My ExH was the fun parent, I am the knock it off or I'll beat you with a stick parent. (exaggeration used for effect) Well, I was also the parent they stayed with. Fun parent was off doing his thing and I was nagging about homework. The kids are trying to start their own lives and I am still the nag and my ExH still tries to be the fun dad but I am the one the kids turn to.

 

Don't worry about your kids not loving you because you have to be both the carrot and the stick. When kids get older they will remember who stuck around. Who was there, day in, day out. Who sat in the rain at soccer matches and made sure their lucky socks were marked with what foot they belonged on so they could be exactly the same every match.

 

As to dating, you are as date-able as you feel. Right now, you need to take a break and get back to feeling like an amazing person.

 

Once you become whole again, the dates will come. The right men will come. Just make sure you value yourself. If you don't, neither will they.

 

on a side note, if you need to move, make sure it is ok with the parenting plan and then move. He did. Also, get the kids involved in sports, it is a great way to meet other parents (some single) and you can also trade off times with other parents. "Ill take them to practice on Mondays, you do Weds and well both go on Fridays so we can get the announcements." type of thing. It gives you a break.

 

I highly recommend some therapy to deal with your self image and depression. It helped me. It helps alot of people. It can help you. And don't be afraid of anti-depressions. It took a few to find the right one, I stayed on it for about 2 years and then my doc took 6 months to wean me off. Going on them is not a life sentence. But they can remind you why you love life.

 

Best wishes and lots of luck

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I didn't really know what to expect by posting very personal thoughts on a forum like this, and it feels a bit strange having people who you don't know giving you advice on something so private but I'm so glad I did! Thank you all so much for your replies and kind words, they have really helped raise my spirits, at least for today!

 

I've not mastered the quote thing but I shall have a go:

 

To RedRobin

Do your best to avoid men who have been divorced less than a year, but preferably two years if you want a relationship. They are still reliving their adolescence and are in their hot mess stage. Lots of them do a whole lot of damage during that time with all of their confusion.

 

I've noticed that too, which is why I've kept myself away from any involvement in the past 3 years. I'm in no rush really, I don't think I'm ready yet - just the thought of it is overwhelming...

 

To StalwartMind

 

Being lied to consistently and especially in damaging ways you've experienced is really not something that is healthy for any human to be exposed to

 

Thanks for the encouragement. It wasn't until my first child was born that I noticed things didn't add up; having the responsibility of looking after someone else'needs and not just his made me see things clearer and yes, it damaged me more than I thought. I don't have any ill-will against him now - if anything, I feel sorry for him as I don't think he is capable of genuinely loving someone; I feel bad about myself for lacking the insight to see him for what he is, and to allow him to manipulate me. That's probably my biggest hurdle.

 

To todreaminblue:

 

i think we have to be more careful because whoever we date if lasting relationships, that guy will be part of our kids lives too thats always in the back of my head

 

Fully agreed.

 

To Nikki Shahaggin

 

Just remind yourself that you are attractive, as people have been telling you that you are. If you don't feel it - rediscover it. Take a little time to dress wear, wear a bit of make-up, do your hair or wear that dress that you tell yourself you shouldn't. Have a glass of champagne, a bubble bath, a facial - you need to reconnect with yourself as a desirable, attractive woman. It may seem silly or hard to make time for, but you can do it It only needs to be baby steps.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. This is exactly what my mother and sisters have been telling me - my sister has actually booked me for a pedicure and facial for next month. I don't know what it's meant to achieve (I've never done these kind of things before) but at this point I'm willing to give it a go!

 

To peraph:

Don't you think it's about time someone forced your exhusband to grow up?

 

Actually, I've always thought that! There is no legal requirement for him to move near the children, and he won't do it off his own accord. He has a bag-full of excuses for not doing it (finding a job, money matters, etc.). He's back to living with his mother and won't move short of being kicked out (he's been there 2 years). This is just not going to happen.

 

To eye of the storm

 

Don't worry about your kids not loving you because you have to be both the carrot and the stick. When kids get older they will remember who stuck around.

 

Thank you for that - that's a big worry of mine.

 

on a side note, if you need to move, make sure it is ok with the parenting plan and then move.

 

I wish it would be that simple - on top of the worries of uprooting the children, my family live abroad (or rather, I'm the one living abroad!). I'd have to ask for my ex-husband's authorisation for us to move all - he won't grant it at this stage (not because he cares, but because he can) and I don't think I have the strength to face another battle with him - leaving was hard enough, and it's been 3 years... I am in therapy at the moment, more for the things that went on in my marriage than for the way I'm feeling now, but I guess all is linked.

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My 11-year marriage wasn't an easy one (he lied compulsively to me about his family circumstances, his studies, his past relationships, the price of butter, would use my bank card without my permission, wouldn't let me see my friends, tried to cut me off from my family, etc.

 

Roseloulou, you have some work ahead of you to heal from all of this. Divorce is traumatic enough even without all of the dysfunction. It takes time and effort to recover. You've only been divorced three months. You know what our dear RR said about not dating men fresh off of a divorce... well, the same thing applies to women.

 

The clock starts when the divorce is final, not when you separate (that's not arbitrary, but won't go into it). I've been divorced five years, was separated for two years before that. I stuck my toe in the water early and realized it wasn't time. I tried once again at one year and realized it still wasn't time. Finally at two years I was much more ready. But you know what... I wasn't nearly as ready then, even after two years, as I am now at five. It just takes time. It's quite common for recently divorce folks to try and rationalize starting too soon. Most see it much more clearly a few years later.

 

My advice is take your time and focus on your healing. Having the kids is probably very good for you because it gives you a lot to focus on outside of yourself and keeps you busy doing things that are really important. Try to look at them as the greatest gift imaginable rather than a burden, and try not to indulge this notion about them being an impediment to having a great relationship in the future.

 

The pressure of looking after them all on my own is difficult to deal with at times, and as I look after them 24/7, this makes me, at least to some posters on here, completely undateable, and I completely understand that. I'm not sure I'd want to date me...

 

Somewhat true––most single people who do not have kids will prefer to date someone who isn't so tied down. You'd probably be the same way. But there are exceptions as well. Your most likely prospects will be men who have kids, are understanding, and who can visualize creating a blended family, assuming that's of interest when you're ready.

 

I've not had one relationship since my marriage broke down 3 years ago, partly because it's not my area of expertise (I didn't have much experience before I met my ex-husband), partly because I'm really scared of falling into the same trap, but mostly because I feel like my situation would put any decent man off.

 

It's probably a good thing that you haven't. The marriage may have broken down three years ago, but you only been single three months. Focus on healing, be optimistic. Don't indulge in negative self-talk.

 

it feels like most of the men who wouldn't be put off by my situation would likely have exhausted all other avenues...

 

Not true. These are stories you're making up in your head. Learn not to do that.

 

I'm told I'm attractive (I don't really feel that way though, after years of feeling invisible), I'm educated, love my job, have two gorgeous kids, a great family, friends I can rely on but still feel so sad that I'll likely be spending the rest of my life on my own.

 

If you think that way it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Why? Because good men are going to be attracted to women who are vivacious, self-assured, and know their inherent value. Eeyore mode will cause the good ones to pass.

 

Do you eventually adjust to this? Does it get better?

 

Yes, it gets better and you will adjust. Divorce is like being in a fog. You just have to deal with it and accept it for awhile, and that sometimes seem like forever. But when you break out on the other side into the light, the world seems new again and full of opportunity. Sounds like you need some empathetic friends to talk to. Someone who can help you to appreciate your value and focus on the work you have to do rather than worrying about what men think. Kids are a blessing.

Edited by salparadise
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Roseloulou, you have some work ahead of you to heal from all of this. Divorce is traumatic enough even without all of the dysfunction. It takes time and effort to recover. You've only been divorced three months. You know what our dear RR said about not dating men fresh off of a divorce... well, the same thing applies to women.

 

The clock starts when the divorce is final, not when you separate (that's not arbitrary, but won't go into it). I've been divorced five years, was separated for two years before that. I stuck my toe in the water early and realized it wasn't time. I tried once again at one year and realized it still wasn't time. Finally at two years I was much more ready. But you know what... I wasn't nearly as ready then, even after two years, as I am now at five. It just takes time. It's quite common for recently divorce folks to try and rationalize starting too soon. Most see it much more clearly a few years later.

 

My advice is take your time and focus on your healing. Having the kids is probably very good for you because it gives you a lot to focus on outside of yourself and keeps you busy doing things that are really important. Try to look at them as the greatest gift imaginable rather than a burden, and try not to indulge this notion about them being an impediment to having a great relationship in the future.

 

 

 

Somewhat true––most single people who do not have kids will prefer to date someone who isn't so tied down. You'd probably be the same way. But there are exceptions as well. Your most likely prospects will be men who have kids, are understanding, and who can visualize creating a blended family, assuming that's of interest when you're ready.

 

 

 

It's probably a good thing that you haven't. The marriage may have broken down three years ago, but you only been single three months. Focus on healing, be optimistic. Don't indulge in negative self-talk.

 

 

 

Not true. These are stories you're making up in your head. Learn not to do that.

 

 

 

If you think that way it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Why? Because good men are going to be attracted to women who are vivacious, self-assured, and know their inherent value. Eeyore mode will cause the good ones to pass.

 

 

 

Yes, it gets better and you will adjust. Divorce is like being in a fog. You just have to deal with it and accept it for awhile, and that sometimes seem like forever. But when you break out on the other side into the light, the world seems new again and full of opportunity. Sounds like you need some empathetic friends to talk to. Someone who can help you to appreciate your value and focus on the work you have to do rather than worrying about what men think. Kids are a blessing.

 

Thank you so much for this salparadise - most of what you say makes sense - especially the Eeyore analogy! Thanks also for the words of encouragement.

 

 

One thing though: I already know my children are a blessing, I don't see them as any sort of impediment and they undoubtedly are making my life 100% better. I don't take the responsibility of looking after them lightly however, which is something I have to shoulder all on my own: I don't mean the cooking, cleaning, school runs, after-school stuff, playdates, tantrums, joys and tears; I mean financial matters, the right choice for their education, anything to do with their well-being (my son is on the autism spectrum and I'm dealing with the diagnosis, the various appointments, the school meetings, meeting his needs daily, etc. by myself as their father is more than happy to take a backseat). Of course, this is what any parent signs up for when they choose to have children, and this is what I signed up for entering my marriage in good faith - I just thought I'd have someone I could rely on to share the load with me...

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It is quite the rude awakening to one day realize, that someone you put your faith into, has left you standing in what most of all seems like a life you don't even fully recognize.

 

To many this can be pretty devastating which is fully understandable, the ugly side of life is that sometimes the people we think we are on the same page as, are actually completely elsewhere.

 

While it's amazing to be able to rely on someone, and it's most certainly a trait i find extremely valuable in another human, we all really need to protect ourselves the best we can.

 

I think it's only sensible that when you do feel brave enough to include someone else in your life again, that person should be understanding as I've before, but it's good that you both protect yourselves so no part is left surprised. Through good communication most things are possible.

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Through good communication most things are possible.

 

 

That's the thing though - I thought I had that with my ex. Turns out that too was a lie... I left because I didn't know what to believe anymore, and that drove me insane. I don't really feel that much better after over 3 years without him.

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littleblackheart

I've not been in the situation you're in personally but I can empathise - I've seen it happen to a close family member. He is now in a secure, healthy relationship but it took him years to work on the damages caused by his ex. All I can say is that you did well to leave, because the alternative is worse than what you're going through at the moment.

 

 

Once you heal from this, however long it takes, you'll be a better person and parent for it. Dating shouldn't even be on your radar at the moment; focus on getting over your past relationship before you even entertain the idea of finding someone new. By that time, you may find that being single isn't that bad after all.

 

 

 

 

Good luck with it.

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