Oh, be still my beating heart...

[nataliee99]

Hi All, So, I have a conundrum and it's a strange story but please reserve any judgements about my sexuality. Thanks This is hard enough for a girl to take

 

It all started 16 years ago. I met a boy and although we were young (14 & 15), I just knew he was something else. And he felt the same about me. Fast forward to 2 years later, I had to move far away and we were young so we ended the relationship. But that didn't stop the feelings. I compared every guy I dated to him and even though we were far away and both in relationships on and off, we still always seemed to reconnect somehow.

 

Over the years, although we remained friends, the romantic feelings I had, didn't seem so strong. Now, 5 years ago, I met and fell in love with an awesome woman. We got married 2.5 years ago and I love her INSANELY. And things were great, for a time. But about 2 years ago, we started having problems. And I mean, major problems. Her mom was an abusive drunk and even though Mom seems better now, I think the damage done to my wife lingers. She was adopted by her now dad when she was 4 and her parents told her her real dad was dead. Which was a lie - she met him once (they only told her after, that the friend was actually her dad). He tried to call her every year on her birthday but her Mom refused to let him speak to her. He died about 4 years ago, before she had a chance to really meet him. I think it's affected her rather badly.

 

She has massive anger issues - she gets angry with me for the smallest things (and that can be a lot of things as I have ADHD so I tend to me very forgetful and take forever to get something done). And when she does get angry, she gets ANGRY. It starts as irritation (even if it's something small) but it builds and builds until it's a full war. She can't seem to stop herself, letting her anger get worse and worse as the minutes tick by. When we fight, she calls me horrible things (things not even suitable to type here), threatens divorce and resorts to violence. I am definitly stronger than her and at times, it takes all my strength not to fight back and really let loose. But if I did that, I would hurt her so I have had to learn to really hold me temper. We have double standards, I feel like I can't really speak to her because she gets mad with me when I am mad with her. She battles with depression as well so I battle to get her going in the mornings, she often skips work, when it's exam time I have to be on her case 24/7 to study because she procrastinates so much. We tried counseling and it helped for a while but then we stopped and it's slipping back. If she doesn't have her anti depressants for a day or 2, I can see her anger with me building. Sometimes, it feels like I live my life to keep her going and it's exhausting. Whwn things are good with us (they are now), they are amzing but when they're bad...it really bad.

 

Skip ahead to 3 months ago....Mr X sent me a message saying he had broken up with his gf. My heart did a little skip but nothing major. Then I invited him to a party and BAM! When I saw him, my heart almost died. All those romantic feelings have all just flooded back and it's driving me mad. I know he feels that same sense of "this could have been our time". He asked me the other day, "do you think if our lives had turned out better, we could have made it?" And the funny thing is, I know we could have. I am just so madly in love with him and I can't get rid of that feeling. Make no mistake, I have tried. I have avoided speaking to him, I have prayed to God to make it go away but nothing is working. I think of him all the time and miss him. I get jealous of other girls in his photo's. How silly of me.

 

So, what do I do? I am not a cheater so that would never happen. But do I just forget him and live with the "what ifs" forever? From the day I met him, 16 years ago, I have felt that he was my forever after. Even if I decided to leave my wife, she relies on me financially and if we broke up, she would have to go live with her mom again for a while and I couldn't do that. I also don't know if she is strong enough to survive a divorce, given her abandonment issues, etc. But do I also want to be with someone who can't seem to take me without medication?! I love her so much but this heart racing that I feel for him is too much for my heart to bare. How can one love two people so deeply at the same time...

 

Please help.

[Giggle]

You have to completely disregard what you feel for him and figure out the issues with your wife. Sometimes what we feel others feels so much more magical because of the hard time we are having with another. Don't be the girl that leaves her for someone else. Leaving her for you may be the best thing and that is a hard thing to do. But don't do it because the grass seems greener with him.

[salparadise]

The symptoms, etiology and relational dynamics you describe are consistent with borderline personality disorder. Google that term and you'll likely gain a lot of insight into her behavior and your relationship. There is also a lot of info in these forums about it. I am not diagnosing, just pointing out that there are many consistencies. Unfortunately, if this turns out to be the case, the relationship prognosis is not good. You are probably codependent. Deal with these things first and separate them as much as possible from the fact that you have another love interest who has become available. Counseling (you only) would be a good place to start. Optimally, you will take the time to heal rather than immediately jumping into another serious relationship. This is a tough place to be, I know. Do some reading and post back her and let us know what you think.

[Downtown]

Nataliee, welcome to the LoveShack forum. I agree with Sal that the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, physical abuse, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (hating or devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Her mom was an abusive drunk and even though Mom seems better now, I think the damage done to my wife lingers. She was adopted by her now dad when she was 4.

BPD is believed to be caused by a combination of genetics and trauma occurring before the age of five. The trauma typically consists of abuse, abandonment, or an emotionally unavailable mother. A recent survey found that 70% of BPDers reported they had been abused or abandoned in childhood.

 

She has massive anger issues.... And when she does get angry, she gets ANGRY.

Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If your W is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute.

 

She threatens divorce and resorts to violence.

The physical abuse of a spouse has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. Indeed, a hospital study of spousal batterers found that nearly all have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See the hospital study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers.

 

She battles with depression as well.

If she has strong BPD traits, that is not unexpected. A recent study of nearly 35,000 American adults found that 80% of the female BPDers suffer from a co-occurring mood disorder and that 36% of female BPDers have Major Depressive Disorder.

 

...given her abandonment issues

BPDers typically have a great fear of abandonment. This is why one of the nine defining behavioral traits for BPD is "Extreme reactions—including panic, depression, rage, or frantic actions—to abandonment, whether real or perceived."

 

But do I also want to be with someone who can't seem to take me without medication?!

Medication cannot make a dent in BPD. Doctors nonetheless prescribe meds for BPDers because they typically have -- in addition to the BPD -- two or three "clinical" disorders such as depression, anxiety (GAD), PTSD, bipolar, or ADHD. The meds are intended to address those co-occurring disorders, not the BPD itself.

 

I join Sal in recommending that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. I also suggest that, while your looking for a good psychologist, you read about BPD red flags so you know what to look for. Of course, you will not be able to diagnose your W, i.e., you cannot determine whether she has full-blown BPD. Spotting the warning signs, however, is not difficult when you've been living with someone for five years. There is nothing subtle about behaviors such as verbal abuse, physical abuse, and lack of impulse control.

 

An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in Rebel's Thread. If that discussion rings any bells, I would be glad to join Sal in discussing them with you. Take care, Nataliee.