chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 (edited) I have a specific question, but if the mods don't mind, I'd like to make this a general thread where you can post various short-term situations and solicit a fast response. If that's inappropriate please let me know. Let me kick it off: your boyfriend, John, is really good buddies with Joe. You are very good friends with Joe's girlfriend, Jill. After several years of dating Joe and Jill break up and it gets ugly. You try to remain friends with both of them. Jill is desperate to get back with Joe, who ignores her. A couple months later you and John are invited to Joe's birthday party. Jill is still obsessed with Joe, so when she finds out she demands you give a full report. When you get there Joe is with a new girl. You find out they're moderately serious. You're usually a no-BS kind of gal, but you're also close enough to Jill to know the truth will completely devastate her. Do you tell Jill about it? Do you lie and say he wasn't with anyone? Do you assure her it's just a rebound? Do you say nothing and hope the news gets out on Facebook eventually? What would you do? (And don't forget to post your questions too!) Edited November 23, 2014 by chimpanA-2-chimpanZ Link to post Share on other sites
Rik777 Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Firstly I think you should speak to Joe and by doing so establish if the girl you described is his new partner, before you start making an assumption that may not be true. Ask Joe how he would feel if Jill knew of this girl. If you establish that this girl is indeed his new partner, then advise Jill that you believe that he maybe seeing someone and leave it as that. Don't get drawn into a marriage dispute. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Well, you say that they're moderately serious - so I'm going to assume that you've established he and this new girl are in a relationship. Yes, I would tell her. I would rather a friend found out news like that from somebody who cared about her and who was going to try to deal sensitively with the aftermath of telling her, than maybe discover it in some other situation from somebody who didn't care about her sufficiently to relay the information sensitively. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Jill would not have asked me to do that because I would have told her already I will not be stuck in the middle of their drama. I would be happy to hang out with her and listen to her if she needs to talk but I will not tell Joe everything she tells me just like I won't tell her everything I find out about Joe... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Jill would not have asked me to do that because I would have told her already I will not be stuck in the middle of their drama. I would be happy to hang out with her and listen to her if she needs to talk but I will not tell Joe everything she tells me just like I won't tell her everything I find out about Joe... I agree with this, and actually OP it helps to build trust with Jill too to know that you are not reporting back to Joe or anyone else what she says or does as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted November 23, 2014 Share Posted November 23, 2014 Surely there's a difference between reporting back on everything Joe says and does, and letting Jill know "well, yes - he is in a new relationship" if he is in a new relationship. It's not usual for people to try to keep new relationships secret in that sort of scenario. I would also let Jill know that I wasn't going to act as some sort of spy, reporting back on all Joe's moves to her...but I would definitely let her know that he was in a new relationship. Devastating as it is, sometimes that helps people to know "it really is over." I think I'd be angry if a friend kept that from me in the circumstances, and I'd definitely appreciate them relaying the info in a sensitive way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I would either not say anything or say he was with another woman. Jill might be devastated but may also get over it or be spurned to move on from this if she is told. OR since she wasn't there, she can't demand how "full" the report is and you can choose to leave out those details. But as a friend too I'd tell Jill that I felt she should move on from Joe and I wouldn't really agree to giving reports about his life and such as in the end it doesn't help the person. I remember for me in one breakup my bestfriend kept reporting my ex's doings to me and I got so angry with her and asked her to stop. She thought she was being a good friend but I told her it was keeping me stuck on him and making me more upset and focused on his life instead of healing, so I requested my friends NOT inform me of what he was doing. As a friend, I wouldn't think I was being a good friend by helping my obsessed friend stay obsessed with a man who has moved on so would let her know that's my stance on it and that I can't in good conscience spy on his life and report to her as it won't be helping anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I would be very firm with Jill. She is hurting but she is also dragging it out which is really no good for her at all. I would tell her the truth if she asks and remind her that its time to move on. I would not go into detail at all. Change the subject if need be and remind her that I am not going into detail as I know she is hurting and its not a friendly catch up with old friends discussion. I would not bring the subject of Joe up at all with her. Ask her about her day, what she did at work anything other than him. I would start looking for fun things to distract her and suitable single men to introduce her to. I would continue to be friendly with Joe and his new girlfriend. With all these things keep it simple. Do not get involved in drama's that you have no business getting involved in. Jill needs to accept that it is over. Even if Joe is on a rebound its really not for you to say or to start talking about. This year I often have to deal with Dramas and I hate it. My way of dealing with it is to cut it off as best I can and as quickly as I can. I find it makes for a much easier and happier life all round. I do not accept people being silly and if I need to cry and get a load of thoughts off of my chest I tell my one of my close friends this, get it off my chest, then we discuss other things instead. My close friends are the same. We vent, comment constructively and move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I would explain to Jill that she is putting you in a very tough position. You respect her feelings but her continued focus on him is not healthy for her. I would tell her that he brought someone and that they are apparently serious but you are not going to report anything going forward. Your relationship with Jill is about you two and I would confirm that is where you want the focus to stay. She needs to start looking forward and accepting the reality which is he is not interested in her. She is hurting but keeping this approach means she continues to pull off the scab. She is searching for pain. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted November 24, 2014 Share Posted November 24, 2014 I'd tell Jill about the new GF. No names, only a vague description & then I would talk to Jill about how she's going to get over her EX. Link to post Share on other sites
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