Do you need to give a reason for breaking up?

[Darren2013]

Absolutely not. But some would have you believe that it is passive aggressive behavior to break up with someone without givong a reason. I say it is not. Sure if I want to end a relationship all I have to say is I believe things have run their course between us and then go NC. I don't think that's passive aggressive. I do not have to justify my decision to my soon to be ex girlfriend. If I am not happy for whatever reason I don't see any benefit that can be derived to tell her the real reasons why I am not happy.

 

When it comes down to it breakups happen mostly because the two people are no longer a right fit for each other. There doesn't necessarily have to be mistreatment involved to warrant a breakup.

 

I always like to use the job analogy to compare to relationships. Your boss typically does not need to give a justification for firing you. In many contracts it is understood that you can be terminated at anytime with or without cause. Do I have a right to work at a certain company? No I do not. If for whatever reason they do not see me as a valuable asset to the company anymore then it doesn't matter. They will likely fire me without divulging all the reasons.

 

When girlfriends break up with me and say we need to talk I stop them right there and say absolutely and I know where this is going. It has been a blast but it looks like it is time for both of us to move on. So best of luck to you. I don't do last kisses at breakups. I shake hands and then go home and have a good cry in private. I usually can feel a breakup coming before I hear her words of "We need to talk".

 

So my point is all this stuff that some folks harp on about the need to communicate with your partner is overrated. I don't need to communicate certain things if we are not going to be partners much longer.

Edited November 22, 2014 by Darren2013

[Darren2013]

If I were a betting man by the time a woman is about to give me the breakup talk I am willing to bet I am the last one to know what she is about to do. She probably already told all her family and friends and coworkers long before I knew about it. So the humiliation of being kept in the dark about it is something I have to deal with in addition to heartache.

 

But I do the opposite when I break up with a girlfriend. She is the first to know and family and friends don't find out about it until weeks later. I don't tell them unless they ask how are things between me and my girlfriend. Then I tell them what happened.

[OwMyEyeball]

Either your well of empathy has dried up or you don't even know where it is anymore.

 

Your line of reasoning resembles that of a benign sociopath.

[Darren2013]

You need to be more specific. I can't say much if you are just giving generalities.

[me85]

Ummm...??? Absurd. At the very least, you should have enough respect for the person you have been seeing to give them a reason why you want to break up with them.

 

Wouldn't you want to be given a reason? If you say you wouldn't care, you're lying.

[Darren2013]

I wouldn't press her for a reason. By the time I get dumped I hàve a pretty good idea what I did to push her away. Maybe I didn't shave often enough and that slowly turned her off. Most women are not going to give me the real reasons anyway. They will come up with a watered down version to let me down gently such as "it's not you it's me". So I don't need to wait for her to give me a gentle let down breakup speech. I am 34 years old and I am very good at detecting when people are blowing smoke when they give me their reasons for rejecting me. Alot of the reasons are half truths and excuses. Most likely they aren't revealing the real reasons that are important. If she is only going to give me half truth reasons anyway then that's all the more reason that it is better that I don't her any reasons at all.

[OwMyEyeball]

You need to be more specific. I can't say much if you are just giving generalities.

The examples you list, and the general pattern of behaviour you exhibit in your posts, give an impression that you are unable to empathize with others. While you have the ability to form a reasoned opinion of how your actions will affect others, you seem to lack the ability to form the emotional connection that would allow you to also feel the actual or projected impact of your decisions.

 

The job analogy you provided is a good example as it highlights the sociopathic nature of corporate (and many other large institutions) action. While the decision-making is sound - I do agree that layoffs are at times necessary - the callousness with which people are dismissed is crushing to the human spirit. People are reduced to "assets" that must be "discharged".

 

That you would adopt this analogy and apply it to a deeply personal relationship is indication that you either lack the ability to empathize, or, that you have blocked it out as a way to cope with immense pain.

[sillyanswer]

I usually can feel a breakup coming before I hear her words of "We need to talk".

 

If I were a betting man by the time a woman is about to give me the breakup talk I am willing to bet I am the last one to know what she is about to do. She probably already told all her family and friends and coworkers long before I knew about it. So the humiliation of being kept in the dark about it is something I have to deal with in addition to heartache.

 

You can feel it coming... but you're the last to know?

[Darren2013]

You can feel it coming... but you're the last to know?

 

I am the last person to be told is what I mean. But yeah I can feel it in my gut before it comes usually 2-6 weeks before she gives the talk.

[sillyanswer]

I am the last person to be told is what I mean. But yeah I can feel it in my gut before it comes usually 2-6 weeks before she gives the talk.

 

Oh. Well if you have that much notice you should talk to her first. I don't mean to pre-empt the break-up, but to see if you can prevent it. (Or, if you're not feeling it either, then you could end it rather than wait for her to do so.)

[sillyanswer]

To address the topic question of whether you need go give a reason: I think it depends on what sort of relationship and/or how long the relationship has been going, and perhaps also on what the reason actually is. If the reason is "this just isn't working for me" after a handful of dates then there's no reason to say it. If it's completely obvious why there's a break-up (one of you caught the other cheating) then there's no need to give a reason either.

 

If the other person asks for a reason... that's where things get tricky. Do you owe them an explanation beyond the (obvious) point that you no longer wish to continue dating them? Yesnomaybeitdepends.

[me85]

I never pressed for a reason. I knew he didn't love me. I knew he was screwing around behind my back the whole time we were together. I may have asked him why once.

[MissBee]

Absolutely not. But some would have you believe that it is passive aggressive behavior to break up with someone without givong a reason. I say it is not. Sure if I want to end a relationship all I have to say is I believe things have run their course between us and then go NC. I don't think that's passive aggressive. I do not have to justify my decision to my soon to be ex girlfriend. If I am not happy for whatever reason I don't see any benefit that can be derived to tell her the real reasons why I am not happy.

 

When it comes down to it breakups happen mostly because the two people are no longer a right fit for each other. There doesn't necessarily have to be mistreatment involved to warrant a breakup.

 

I always like to use the job analogy to compare to relationships. Your boss typically does not need to give a justification for firing you. In many contracts it is understood that you can be terminated at anytime with or without cause. Do I have a right to work at a certain company? No I do not. If for whatever reason they do not see me as a valuable asset to the company anymore then it doesn't matter. They will likely fire me without divulging all the reasons.

 

When girlfriends break up with me and say we need to talk I stop them right there and say absolutely and I know where this is going. It has been a blast but it looks like it is time for both of us to move on. So best of luck to you. I don't do last kisses at breakups. I shake hands and then go home and have a good cry in private. I usually can feel a breakup coming before I hear her words of "We need to talk".

 

So my point is all this stuff that some folks harp on about the need to communicate with your partner is overrated. I don't need to communicate certain things if we are not going to be partners much longer.

 

Darren, do what works for you. It doesn't seem like a lot of your tactics have proven useful to even you so I'm not sure why you advise them to others.

 

What you say sounds very mechanical and strange to me and I would not like to date a man who thought this way, but to each her own.

 

A relationship is NOT like a job though. So the same etiquette does NOT apply. I would prefer to be told why things aren't working and then move on from there rather than shake hands (wtf????? ) and say "It has run it's course goodbye." I mean wtf...this sounds completely artificial.

[Tayken]

@OP...Just as a job, you don't have to. Just hand in your notice and move on once you have decided that things aren't working out between you two. However, this is where things get vindictive and emotions start to run amok. Thrown in external factors like "friends" telling the other person to go in with a fight

 

My ex had a few of those people who tried to compare their situations to ours. The primary difference was that I am more educated that their husbands, and actually gave a damn about our child. She couldn't see this, and my leg work and education on family law paid off in the end as I was able to back up my points with facts as opposed to hearsay.

 

Pictures, appointments, receipts, etc don't lie and I advice most men to be more involved in their kid(s) life and document stuff.

[Mister Zen]

You don't have to do anything that isn't enforced by the law. If you don't want to give a reason don't. There is nothing anyone can do about it.

[nofeelings22]

You are a total sociopath to break up with someone and give no answer when they request a reason.

 

Karma is a bitch and she'll find you.

 

You definitely owe someone who invested time in you an explanation so they can get closure and move on.

[Mister Zen]

You are a total sociopath to break up with someone and give no answer when they request a reason.

 

Karma is a bitch and she'll find you.

 

You definitely owe someone who invested time in you an explanation so they can get closure and move on.

 

Karma doesn't exist. Its in the same category as Santa Claus.

 

I don't think not giving someone a reason for a break-up makes you a sociopath. You are putting people who simply don't communicate in the same category as murders and terrorists? That's a bit extreme don't you think?

[autumnnight]

The OP was saying he didn't want to know the reason she breaks up with him, not that HE would never give a reason.

 

I don't think it is required. Sometimes it is obvious. If someone asked me why I would give them an honest answer even if it hurt but I would at least try to be tactful. If someone doesn't want to know I wouldn't tell them and it would indicate to me they don't plan on changing or improving anyway so what's the point?

 

I also think it depends on the relationship. If I have gone out with you 3 times we don't need to "break up" because we were barely dating. If we've been together 5 years then a person with any feelings would at least do more than "See ya."

[Darren2013]

Here's another thing. If I were to give the real reason then depending on the circumstances that might lead to a long drawn out discussion and she may tell me that she is willing to improve this or change that thus trying to talk me out of my decision to end it. The last thing I need when it comes time for me to breakup is for my soon to be ex girlfriend to say things that sow seeds of doubt in my mind that I am making the right decision. I don't want to hear it. Chances are depending on how emotionally invested she is she may be inclined to change but it will only be temporary. 6 months to a year later she goes back to her old ways and we end up having this talk again. That's alot of time to waste.

 

And maybe the thing that she wants to improve on is not something that needs to be changed. It just means there are other men out there who won't have a problem with it just because I do. There are other guys she can find who will not only tolerate it but embrace it.

 

That's one of my self imposed rules in dating. I don't try to change the other person. I either find it in myself to accept them as they are knowing they are not going to be perfect or if I come to a point where I am not happy I just move on. Some things are universal deal-breakers like cheating and abuse but there's other things that are gray areas and just because I have a problem with it doesn't mean other guys will. So she doesn't need to look at the breakup as a lesson on what she can do better in the next relationship because the next guy may not have a problem with it.

 

I think that if you don't want to be talked out of your decision to breakup then there's no need to give a reason.

[Got it]

Absolutely not. But some would have you believe that it is passive aggressive behavior to break up with someone without givong a reason. I say it is not. Sure if I want to end a relationship all I have to say is I believe things have run their course between us and then go NC. I don't think that's passive aggressive. I do not have to justify my decision to my soon to be ex girlfriend. If I am not happy for whatever reason I don't see any benefit that can be derived to tell her the real reasons why I am not happy.

 

When it comes down to it breakups happen mostly because the two people are no longer a right fit for each other. There doesn't necessarily have to be mistreatment involved to warrant a breakup.

 

I always like to use the job analogy to compare to relationships. Your boss typically does not need to give a justification for firing you. In many contracts it is understood that you can be terminated at anytime with or without cause. Do I have a right to work at a certain company? No I do not. If for whatever reason they do not see me as a valuable asset to the company anymore then it doesn't matter. They will likely fire me without divulging all the reasons.

 

When girlfriends break up with me and say we need to talk I stop them right there and say absolutely and I know where this is going. It has been a blast but it looks like it is time for both of us to move on. So best of luck to you. I don't do last kisses at breakups. I shake hands and then go home and have a good cry in private. I usually can feel a breakup coming before I hear her words of "We need to talk".

 

So my point is all this stuff that some folks harp on about the need to communicate with your partner is overrated. I don't need to communicate certain things if we are not going to be partners much longer.

 

The only thing you need to do is pay taxes and die.

 

Communicating is considered the polite thing to do and the way to have proper and functional relationships with other humans.

[Gloria25]

The OP was saying he didn't want to know the reason she breaks up with him, not that HE would never give a reason.

 

I don't think it is required. Sometimes it is obvious. If someone asked me why I would give them an honest answer even if it hurt but I would at least try to be tactful. If someone doesn't want to know I wouldn't tell them and it would indicate to me they don't plan on changing or improving anyway so what's the point?

 

I also think it depends on the relationship. If I have gone out with you 3 times we don't need to "break up" because we were barely dating. If we've been together 5 years then a person with any feelings would at least do more than "See ya."

 

The only thing you need to do is pay taxes and die.

 

Communicating is considered the polite thing to do and the way to have proper and functional relationships with other humans.

 

I agree with both to a point....

 

Sometimes you're wasting your time telling someone the obvious...

 

And yes, sometimes you being nice enough to list what went wrong is them just gonna try to sucker you in with false hopes that they will change.

 

But, then again, it would be nice for someone to let you know what went wrong. That way you can pay attention to whether or not it's a pattern of yours so that you can fix yourself.

 

And then again, sometimes it's just common courtesy "if they ask". Even if you're just seeing someone after one date, what do you lose in saying "I'm sorry, but I don't believe we're a match".

 

Now, I must admit, I have gotten to the point where I'll occasionally do a "fade"...but, that's cuz of bad experiences I've had. Years ago, I went out for drinks with a guy and I guess he could tell I wasn't "feelin' it" when I did not order a 2nd beer. At the end of the evening I IM'd him letting know I had a great time, but didn't think we were a match. He responded with "by**ch". OMG, then the guy who stalked me on AOL and was blowing up my phone all times of the day/night. From then I pretty much embarked on not giving out my tel, and /or doing a fade if it wasn't working out.

[Xiang]

You don't have to, but it's nice of you to do so. Also a sign of respect and it just tells a lot about you as a person. How you break up can actually say much about you, really does, even if it seems minor to many.

No need to exemplify if you think about it.

 

I like to tell and be told, so i can know what went wrong and if it was me, fix it.

I never once tried to convince them to take me back saying i would improve on what was wrong, what's done is done.

[autumnnight]

I agree with both to a point....

 

Sometimes you're wasting your time telling someone the obvious...

 

And yes, sometimes you being nice enough to list what went wrong is them just gonna try to sucker you in with false hopes that they will change.

 

But, then again, it would be nice for someone to let you know what went wrong. That way you can pay attention to whether or not it's a pattern of yours so that you can fix yourself.

 

And then again, sometimes it's just common courtesy "if they ask". Even if you're just seeing someone after one date, what do you lose in saying "I'm sorry, but I don't believe we're a match".

 

Now, I must admit, I have gotten to the point where I'll occasionally do a "fade"...but, that's cuz of bad experiences I've had. Years ago, I went out for drinks with a guy and I guess he could tell I wasn't "feelin' it" when I did not order a 2nd beer. At the end of the evening I IM'd him letting know I had a great time, but didn't think we were a match. He responded with "by**ch". OMG, then the guy who stalked me on AOL and was blowing up my phone all times of the day/night. From then I pretty much embarked on not giving out my tel, and /or doing a fade if it wasn't working out.

 

I can definitely see your point. The thing is and maybe I'm just not "with it" in 2014 but I don't get this idea that if I have had lunch with you once it is a relationship. It's not. It was lunch. Even dinner. I have had lots of first dates where there was no phone call or text afterward and I just went on with life. I didn't declare all men pigs. So I don't get why a lot of the men on LS (I say on LS because I have never even met 1 man in real life who is as anti women and jaded as some of the men on here) seem to think they are owed something if they sat face to face with a woman once or how they can say they are "dating" someone they have only seen a couple of times. Maybe it's just our instant download society or something but people expect entirely too much too soon.

[Darren2013]

After one date it is not even necessary to call the other person and say you don't want a 2nd date. You can if you want to and if you want to even give an explanation why that's ok too but you don't have to.