I love him but I don't know what he's thinking anymore

[AlwaysPuzzled]

*** If this is way too long to read, will someone please tell me so that I can attempt to edit it down? Thanks! ***

 

Hi everyone! This is my first time posting. I apologize for the length! I really don't know how to make it any shorter. I would greatly appreciate any feedback or advice! I am hopelessly in love with someone and I'm finding it near impossible to give up hope and move on. He is all I think about. If there's anything at all I can do to salvage things, I really want to give it a try.

 

I met a guy this summer, and there was instant mutual attraction, connection, excitement, etc. Everything was PERFECT for 5-6 weeks. We're both in our later 30's. We both live with our parents, but his were on vacation for a long while and he was living at the house on his own while they were gone, so we always hung out there. Right off the bat, we started spending tons of time together. We have a lot in common, including personality (we're both introverts), values, and interests. It always felt completely comfortable - never any boredom or awkwardness or arguing. We were both truly interested in getting to know each other, and we connected on a deep level mentally/physically/emotionally. Mutual respect and understanding. TONS of cuddling and physical affection (not talking about sex - it was never about sex). I do have to add that we were usually drinking while hanging out. Not always, but usually. He's a high-functioning alcoholic, and the sweetest "drunk" you will ever meet. When we weren't drinking, things weren't quite as comfortable and affectionate (we're both pretty reserved and quiet), but still good.

 

However, he is a bit of a free spirit and not the commitment type, so I never felt fully secure. I asked at the 3-week mark what we were, and he said "just friends." I dropped it and decided to be happy and go with the flow. Then at the 5-week mark, his parents returned home. Though I didn't voice it to him, I was feeling worried that everything would change - we would no longer have the place to ourselves in which to hang out like we had been, and I felt anxiety about not getting to spend as much time together. I never voiced this to him. After they returned, all my anxiety basically came out in the most abrasive of ways. I asked him again what we were and where he saw this going. This was over text, and he's not one to talk about feelings, so he replied that we were still "just friends" and that he didn't know. I got angry and said that if he didn't know by now, then we just needed to go our separate ways and call it quits. What followed was a couple days of me trying to explain and apologize for my freak-out (via text) and him ignoring me. Finally he reached out, and I tried to be easy-going and just chat, but I was still upset. I got mad again and deleted him from facebook and told him that was it. (I know, this sounds so horrible, but I really am a caring person who often lets fear and anxiety get the best of me).

 

The next two months, I sent message after message trying to "fix" things while he ignored me entirely. He read them, but never said a single word. I frantically tried everything I knew to say, just to get him to talk to me, and he never would. I've never felt so low for that long a period of time. It was AWFUL.

 

Finally, he spoke to me again and invited me over. This coincided with his parents going out of town again. When we saw each other, everything felt exactly the same as before - the same level of comfort and attraction, etc. He apologized for not responding, and I forgave him, and we said clean slate. We hung out every other day, and it felt perfect while together. But he never initiated texting. I had to text first, and then he would invite me over. Sometimes, though, his texts were short and cold, and it left me feeling insecure. After 5 times together, I "ended it" again, saying I just couldn't handle the hot and cold. He said he was sorry, that he thinks I want more than him. I agreed with him and left it on a civil note. Two days later, I texted to say hi, he immediately invited me over, and I went. Had a great time, but I was feeling a bit guarded, and I think he was too. That's the last time we hung out, because his parents then returned, he started a new job, and I quit texting him for a week to see if he would text me (he didn't).

 

I wrote another text saying I was upset that he went MIA again, and he said he was out of town working and would be back the next day. I waited several more days, and then blasted him again for going MIA and not getting in touch, and I said I couldn't handle the inconsistency and that I was saying goodbye. A couple days later he asked if he could pick up something he had loaned me, so he came over to get it, and everything was very nice and calm and civil and respectful. He stayed for about 15 minutes, chatting about work and such. We didn't mention anything about all I had said. Then when he left, he said to "keep in touch" and I told him to "take care." We gave a little friend hug when he got here and when he left. I sent him a message the next day thanking him for being so nice and saying I was glad we left it on a good note. The next day he liked one of my facebook posts (which he NEVER does) and he's been online quite a bit more than usual. I just got the sense that maybe he was making himself available for talking, but was unwilling to speak first. I didn't want to speak first, either, because I felt it would make me seem "weak". Yesterday I finally said hello, and we exchanged a couple of sentences, and that was that.

 

I LOVE this guy with all of my heart. He's kind, compassionate, funny, brilliant, talented, understanding, gorgeous. He's not perfect, obviously - he doesn't want to commit, he's an alcoholic, he ignored me for two months, he won't communicate about feelings or issues. But I have never felt as comfortable in someone's presence as I have felt with him. I know he feels it, too, when we're together - it's obvious in every way. But when we're apart, it feels as if we have no connection at all.

 

Do I need to move on, or is there hope we can ever rekindle what we had in the beginning (and if so, HOW?). Should I try to slowly reconnect with him, or let it go completely? He won't tell me what he's thinking/feeling at all, and I'm afraid to ask because I know it will make him feel pressured and he will shut down.

 

Help?!?

Edited November 21, 2014 by AlwaysPuzzled

[Vices-Virtues]

You need to move on he is using you ..

He shows no signs of actually caring about you.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Thank you so much for your reply.

 

The thing is, he has shown many times, in many ways, that he does indeed care. When we're together in person, he always listens and asks questions. When I felt sick one night while together, he sat with me and was very gentle and concerned. He's very considerate about making sure I'm having fun and feeling comfortable. When I asked him that first time about what we were and he said just friends, I then asked him if he even liked me enough to see it ever turning into more, and he said "don't know" (this was via text). But then later that night while together, without my prompting, he said "I'm sorry. I DO like you. I do like you." It was very sweet and sincere. In person, there is every sign that he deeply and genuinely cares. I feel it 100%. But once we part, there is a disconnect in communication. I don't know if it's just that he's not a big texter, or he's a commitment-phobe, or he has an avoidant attachment style and it's "out of sight out of mind," or if my expectations are causing him to withdraw. So basically, I feel his care while together... but not while we're apart, which causes me to overthink and overreact and send messages saying "goodbye" out of self-protection.

[Copelandsanity]

Move on.

 

You already described the problem: "he is a bit of a free spirit and not the commitment type." His intention from the very beginning was to have an intense experience with you for as long as possible - mostly while his parents were away - and then move onto the next girl for a new experience. Or perhaps he is already spending time with another girl or two. The little breadcrumbs he's giving you is just playing games; he knows you want him and he's having fun messing with your head.

 

Also, what you feel isn't love. It's infatuation.

Edited November 21, 2014 by Copelandsanity

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Thank you Copelandsanity. That's what I've feared

 

Just to add a little more info on him: I really do think he has a fear of commitment/intimacy. I'm friendly with an ex of his, and she told me about their previous relationship. They were together on and off for 3 years. The first 3 months were great, then he disappeared for a week... after which, he came back wanting to make the relationship official. They moved in together at the 8-month mark, after which he became less affectionate. He would periodically disappear for days or a week at a time, and she found out he was either cheating or hanging out at a guy friend's house drinking. He would then go back and carry on as if nothing had happened, with no explanation. He seemed to disappear when things would normally get closer - he broke up with her on her birthday and moved out one year, he bailed out on a New Year's Eve party they were throwing one year, he missed her mom's retirement party because he was hungover, etc. But he would ALWAYS go back when he was done with whatever he was doing. HORRIBLE, I know. But I believe he loved her, and would periodically get freaked out at the closeness, so would bail for a while. I guess I would hope that he's grown out of some of that, given that this was many years ago.

 

I just feel like if I could find some way to get past his fears and walls, we could have something great. It feels like we're best friends when we're together, and I know it's mutual (I'm super-suspicious, so I would pick up on any signs if he was disinterested in the moment).

 

I know this sounds like a lost cause. And I guess part of it is infatuation. But I can't seem to get past how perfect things were in the beginning, when we were sharing so much of ourselves with each other. I really did fall in love with his kindness, his uniqueness, and everything else about him. I just want that back.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Or perhaps he is already spending time with another girl or two.

 

I guess he could be, but when I randomly text him, he always answers. I know he wouldn't answer if he was with a girl. And he's working a ton of hours with this new job, and staying out of town wherever the jobs are (this might sound fishy, but it's not - I know he's telling the truth).

 

The little breadcrumbs he's giving you is just playing games; he knows you want him and he's having fun messing with your head.

 

I've thought this too, but it's hard to believe he would do this, given that he's such a kind and compassionate person in general - both with me while spending time together, and also with other people and with animals. He cares about the underdog (mentally ill, elderly). Could he really be so kind and still play with my head/heart like that?

[Copelandsanity]

Thank you Copelandsanity. That's what I've feared

 

Just to add a little more info on him: I really do think he has a fear of commitment/intimacy. I'm friendly with an ex of his, and she told me about their previous relationship. They were together on and off for 3 years. The first 3 months were great, then he disappeared for a week... after which, he came back wanting to make the relationship official. They moved in together at the 8-month mark, after which he became less affectionate. He would periodically disappear for days or a week at a time, and she found out he was either cheating or hanging out at a guy friend's house drinking. He would then go back and carry on as if nothing had happened, with no explanation. He seemed to disappear when things would normally get closer - he broke up with her on her birthday and moved out one year, he bailed out on a New Year's Eve party they were throwing one year, he missed her mom's retirement party because he was hungover, etc. But he would ALWAYS go back when he was done with whatever he was doing. HORRIBLE, I know. But I believe he loved her, and would periodically get freaked out at the closeness, so would bail for a while. I guess I would hope that he's grown out of some of that, given that this was many years ago.

 

I just feel like if I could find some way to get past his fears and walls, we could have something great. It feels like we're best friends when we're together, and I know it's mutual (I'm super-suspicious, so I would pick up on any signs if he was disinterested in the moment).

 

I know this sounds like a lost cause. And I guess part of it is infatuation. But I can't seem to get past how perfect things were in the beginning, when we were sharing so much of ourselves with each other. I really did fall in love with his kindness, his uniqueness, and everything else about him. I just want that back.

 

I'm confident that it's 100% infatuation Your mind is still in a fog over the passionate and exciting time you had; the addiction to it is causing you to ignore the facts of the situation...facts that you yourself wrote down:

 

"disappeared for a week"

"periodically disappear for days or a week at a time"

"cheating or hanging out at a guy friend's house drinking"

"go back and carry on as if nothing had happened, with no explanation"

"he broke up with her on her birthday"

"he bailed out on a New Year's Eve party"

"he missed her mom's retirement party because he was hungover"

 

He is not a good person. He's good at being a free-spirit and he's good at playing the role of a romantic, which is fine for a fling, but it's not someone who you can rely on for a relationship.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

I'm confident that it's 100% infatuation Your mind is still in a fog over the passionate and exciting time you had; the addiction to it is causing you to ignore the facts of the situation...facts that you yourself wrote down:

 

"disappeared for a week"

"periodically disappear for days or a week at a time"

"cheating or hanging out at a guy friend's house drinking"

"go back and carry on as if nothing had happened, with no explanation"

"he broke up with her on her birthday"

"he bailed out on a New Year's Eve party"

"he missed her mom's retirement party because he was hungover"

 

He is not a good person. He's good at being a free-spirit and he's good at playing the role of a romantic, which is fine for a fling, but it's not someone who you can rely on for a relationship.

 

Thanks - I think you're right. I've gone back and forth over this for MONTHS. I get so confused, because half the time I believe the same thing you're saying, and the other half I believe something entirely different.

 

Also, I don't really KNOW what he's thinking or feeling, because I bail out on people before they have a chance to hurt me (which backfires, because I end up tremendously hurt anyhow, and even more confused - but it's a defense mechanism I've yet to overcome). With him, I don't know for sure whether or not he would have disappeared after his parents returned, either the first or second time, because I didn't stick around to find out. I got nervous and angrily/emotionally ended it. I worry that if I hadn't done that the first time, things might have kept progressing, and the relationship would have continued. Now I'll never know, because I pushed him away I guess this is all pretty convenient for him if he didn't want to continue anyways, huh? A guilt-free out. But UGH, if I had just hung in there and stuck with the "friendship" we might have grown more solid and attached.

 

These back and forth thoughts run through my head constantly. I don't feel at peace moving on, nor do I feel comfortable pursuing him. So I just do nothing, and get stuck in this state of confusion.

[Adele0908]

AlwaysPuzzled, you sound like a sweet and caring person, but you are the one who is actually sabotaging the relationship with your constant anxiety, worrying and lack of trust.

 

When you guys are having the most fun together is when you are relaxed and going with the flow. How would you feel if the roles were reversed, and he was the the one pressuring for the progression of the relationship before you felt fully comfortable?

 

What about just enjoying being with someone, without worrying what is "wrong" or what could potentially "go wrong?" That is when you have the most fun with friends and lovers. When you're living in the moment.

 

Of course he would resist your pressure by avoiding you or opting to stay "just friends". It's just like when someone is continuously pressuring you to buy a house or a car...most people naturally resist and refuse to commit, because it's such a big decision.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Thank you Adele, that makes perfect sense, and I agree 100%.

 

I'm usually able to go for a while just enjoying it and going with the flow, or at least keeping my anxiety mostly hidden. But the nagging little thoughts build up in the back of my mind and explode outward when I "end it" or start asking questions. I get attached quickly and worry about losing someone, and I also get paranoid that someone is going to use me and bail - so it's basically a self-fulfilling prophecy. When we started hanging out again, even though things felt WONDERFUL while together, I was very hung up on the fact that he wasn't initiating any texts (although when I would text, he would immediately invite me over oftentimes). The book version of He's Just Not That Into You really did my head in, because I'm now always looking for signs of that. Example: If he's not texting me, he's not that into me, right?

 

So let's say this is a combination of him being a "free spirit" and me sabotaging it all with my worries and preemptive strikes. Is there any way to fix this and get it back on track? I really do care very much for this person, whether it's infatuation or love or some combination of both. The way we left things is I sent the harsh goodbye message... he came to pick up his property and things were very calm and nice... I sent a thank you note telling him I appreciated his kindness after my messages, and that I'm glad we left things on a good note... he liked my Facebook status and shared something similar on his page... And then yesterday (4 days after my last message) I texted hello and he replied. We're still Facebook friends and are on friendly terms, it feels. But I have NO idea what he's thinking or feeling. I think I said above that he's been online quite a bit more, and it almost feels like he's making himself available to talk, but it could be coincidence.

 

If there is some way to continue something with him, during which time I could practice doing as you said and just enjoying it, I would really love to. He's worth it, I feel. Any suggestions? Or is it too damaged?

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Let me add, too, that I do feel upset when he texts me short/cold responses. I never show that I'm upset about it, but I did mention it several times in my goodbye message. He seems very hot and cold in personality - a lot of which might have to do with being hungover and feeling crappy a lot of the time. His ex also told me that he would say really sweet things one night, and then do a complete 180 the next day. He's never mean - just closed off and distant. So a lot of my worries were in reaction to this issue.

[Adele0908]

You're welcome. AlwaysPuzzled, this may shock you but your situation is actually very fixable.

 

You don't necessarily have to hide your anxiety. You can express your fear by journaling, talking, maybe crying alone or with friends or however. You can even express your emotions with your guy. But the very important point is that you can't blame HIM for how you feel. That is the key.

 

You having anxiety is not his fault. If I have an anxiety problem, that's no ones fault. If I suffer from panic attacks and then I experience a panic attack during a verbal confrontation at work, do I blame the people involved in the confrontation for my panic attacks, or do I recognize that I am a person that has panic attacks, and that ANY situation could trigger them?

 

You alone are responsible for how you feel, no one else is. It's okay and normal to have anxiety but don't let it control you.

 

Books like "He's Just Not That Into You" just make people paranoid and feel bad just because a man didn't text them back. It just feeds into your fear. Ugh I really hate that book. To me it's better to try to understand people, men and so on. I'd rather read a book that teaches me how to be more attractive.

 

My thoughts are that you could just keep seeing him, maybe go on dates with other guys, and just work on loving and accepting yourself more. Slow down and let him lead the pace of the relationship and USE the time as a single woman to become more fulfilled. Questioning and pressuring him will only push him away. Staying and waiting or begging for a commitment will only make you appear desperate.

 

You want to stay in control of the situation, you want to have control and that's why you left him but the truth is, you have to let go of that need to be in control. So just lean back and mirror what he's doing. See him as a friend to have fun with and practice being a more attractive/confident woman.

Edited November 22, 2014 by Adele0908

[Brooke02]

OP, he is an alcoholic.. He will never change. His brain only thinks about when he will get another drink. You need to run & not look back. If you actually convinced him to commit to you, it would be the same things as you described over & over. Do some research on alcoholism, you've described quit a bit if it already & he WILL NOT change.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Thank you, Adele! I'm glad that you feel it is fixable

 

I totally get the mirroring and leaning back thing. The problem is that he wasn't initiating any contact (he initiated 85% of everything the first time around, but this time, he didn't initiate any texts whatsover). I waited 7 full days after his parents returned without texting him, and he didn't text me either. So I finally texted to say hello, and he responded right away, but it was a very short exchange. He was out of town working, so no way to get together at the time. That seems forever ago though (almost 3 weeks ago).

 

The next interaction was me blowing up at him via text about having gone MIA - I was getting more and more upset that he wasn't initiating any contact, and this is how I addressed the issue. His response was "I'll be back tomorrow." So I thought, okay, maybe it's fine. But then I waited throughout the weekend and never heard from him. Perhaps he wanted me to do the contacting, but I was trying to mirror like you said and wait for him. So 5 days later I asked him why he told me when he'd be back if he had no intention of getting in touch (this is all via text, fyi), and an hour later I said never mind, just goodbye, pretty much. He replied later and said "Sorry, I've been really busy. I can talk later." But I spouted off AGAIN and said let's just stick with goodbye. I felt he was just stringing me along and blowing me off, ya know? And I was afraid that if/when we talked, he would tell me again that I wanted "more than him" or something in order to let me down easy. A couple days later is when he asked for his property back, and then came and got it the next day when I suggested that he did. And I've said what happened after that.

 

So I guess I just don't know what to DO. I "ended it" (this undefined thing that we had) but ultimately left it on friendly terms. I really hate to say anything else because I fear rejection, and like you said, I don't want to bombard him with any further questions or pressure by bringing it up yet again. I feel 99% sure that he won't be initiating any contact, given the situation. So how can we slide back into being friends at this point? I fully agree with everything you say about working on myself and not blaming him for my anxiety. I would be willing to try to do things a lot differently now just to have him in my life. But I'm not sure where to go from here, with him. I don't know if he's sick of all of this, or whether he even still likes me or not. If I leave it up to him to make the next move, he [understandably] probably won't. I told him I can't have him coming in and out of my life, and that I can't handle his hot and cold, that I need more consistency, and that I need to work on myself and that I can't do that with the distraction of him coming and going.

 

p.s. I really hate HJNTIY too!!! It's made me so paranoid, and it's very depressing. It's supposed to be empowering, but I really feel it just teaches women to be hypersensitive to signs that a guy is just using you, and to bail out the second you see these signs. That's exactly what it's taught me. And now that I've read it, I can't get all that stuff out of my head, and it's how I now view dating/relationships.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

OP, he is an alcoholic.. He will never change. His brain only thinks about when he will get another drink. You need to run & not look back. If you actually convinced him to commit to you, it would be the same things as you described over & over. Do some research on alcoholism, you've described quit a bit if it already & he WILL NOT change.

 

Hi Brooke, thanks for your reply. My friends and family tell me the same thing. I guess it's hard for me to see it, because he is so very high-functioning, and so sweet and affectionate while drinking. I love to drink too (I'm not an alcoholic, but I enjoy it), so it doesn't bother me at all. I of course care enough about him to worry about his health and safety, but so far I see few signs that he is very much at risk. I know, call me naive...

[Adele0908]

It looks like you get it and that's good.

 

You said you don't know what to do, but it's not your job to solve "problems" in the relationship. You don't have to DO anything. You don't need to do anything to fix any *perceived* problem in the relationship.

 

Stop bringing up the "relationship" as a problem to him, and stop trying to discuss the relationship. This is so important.

 

All you need to do is work on making yourself happy. See other people, hang with friends, do the things you enjoy. You're not sure how or when to contact him. Well, you could send him a hello text or email, or call him after some time has passed. Maybe a few weeks. Let him be for now. I'm sure you want him to have his peace, right?

"I told him I can't have him coming in and out of my life, and that I can't handle his hot and cold, that I need more consistency, and that I need to work on myself and that I can't do that with the distraction of him coming and going. "

 

See, this is you making demands, making him feel obligated which everybody hates, and making him responsible for your happiness.

Now you're blaming him for not being able to focus on yourself. That's not his fault. Trying to tell him what to do will get you nowhere.

 

There's a website that I like, by Katarina Phang, the "Man Whisperer". She has good content for women on how to deal with relationship problems. Also on YouTube, I sometimes follow Goldraytwinflames for relationship advice. Its about twin flames but I think their advice can apply to any relationship.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Thanks for your help Adele!!! You're very sweet

 

It looks like you get it and that's good.

 

You said you don't know what to do, but it's not your job to solve "problems" in the relationship. You don't have to DO anything. You don't need to do anything to fix any *perceived* problem in the relationship.

 

Stop bringing up the "relationship" as a problem to him, and stop trying to discuss the relationship. This is so important.

 

All you need to do is work on making yourself happy. See other people, hang with friends, do the things you enjoy. You're not sure how or when to contact him. Well, you could send him a hello text or email, or call him after some time has passed. Maybe a few weeks. Let him be for now. I'm sure you want him to have his peace, right?

 

Okay, this is good advice (although patience isn't my strongest point). I do worry that he'll move on or find someone else if I hang back , but that's just the worry and control talking again. He probably does need some space from this for a bit. If we went two whole months of me sending tons of messages and him flat-out ignoring me, and then we both felt the chemistry immediately upon reconnecting, it could happen again right? Especially if enough time passes for the emotional issues to die down. I wish more than anything that he would reach out to me, but I can't make it happen. So I'll try to do as you suggest and wait a couple/few weeks, and then just reach out and say hello... and not say anything about the "relationship." I'm sure he realizes that I have anxiety and issues with overthinking, and I did tell him that I've done this before with others (the ending-it thing). And I'm sure he also realizes that it hurt my feelings that he didn't contact me after his parents got home, and that some of what I said was valid. So I guess there's no need to rehash any of that. He's still responding to me, at least, so at least he cares enough not to ignore me again.

 

 

"I told him I can't have him coming in and out of my life, and that I can't handle his hot and cold, that I need more consistency, and that I need to work on myself and that I can't do that with the distraction of him coming and going. "

 

See, this is you making demands, making him feel obligated which everybody hates, and making him responsible for your happiness.

Now you're blaming him for not being able to focus on yourself. That's not his fault. Trying to tell him what to do will get you nowhere.

 

Okay, I can totally see this! You're right. If he and I had better communication, maybe I could explain that I understand this now, and apologize for it. But I've apologized so many times that I feel it would just make me seem weak. And you said not to talk about the relationship, so I guess I will just leave it alone. Actually, in my nice message after he came over to pick up his thing, I did say that I hoped he understood where all that stuff I said came from, but that I was sorry. So I guess I did apologize, and that was sufficient. I told him he didn't have to respond at all, but he replied with a thumb's up (which I appreciated - he acknowledged it rather than letting me think he was ignoring. He's been very good about replying, because he probably feels bad about ignoring for those two months. I appreciate little gestures like this).

 

There's a website that I like, by Katarina Phang, the "Man Whisperer". She has good content for women on how to deal with relationship problems. Also on YouTube, I sometimes follow Goldraytwinflames for relationship advice. Its about twin flames but I think their advice can apply to any relationship.

 

I'll check these out tomorrow! Thanks!!

 

*******************************

Another question, if you don't mind?

 

This is probably going to sound silly, but we all know that people do play little mind games at times, and I wonder if he is to some extent....

 

After he asked for his property back a week ago, he then proceeded to get online about 15 times throughout the day. I'm always on facebook, so I noticed (and okay, I was watching!). He never ever ever does this. He rarely gets on at all. So it really really felt like he was trying to show he was available, and maybe hoping I would want to talk, but afraid to speak up himself. I was also afraid, so neither of us said anything. And then the morning after I sent my thank you message, he liked a facebook status of mine, a link I'd shared with a map about fave books in each state. He never likes my statuses, so this was unusual, and he doesn't read books at all. Then he shared something similar on his wall - a link with a map about fave movies in each state (he's a movie buff). It felt to me like it was a subtle way to get my attention. But a few of my friends said I was reading too much into it, and that he probably just got curious about movies and googled it, and basically said it didn't mean much.

 

The reason it's important to me is that if he WAS subtly reaching out and making himself available, it would suggest that he actually does care and still like me, as opposed to having lost interest. Maybe we both would like to talk, but are both scared to speak first. But maybe I'm looking for things that aren't there, and making this all up in my head. What do you think?

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Hi all. Sorry this is so long, but I need help!!! So I dated a guy for 6 weeks and everything was almost perfect. Right from the start, we spent every other day/night together, and texted on the days we weren't together. We had a great time, we connected mentally and emotionally, the attraction was high, there was tons of sweet cuddling, we both opened up and shared ourselves with each other, and we had a lot in common. We're both quiet and reserved, introverted, and enjoyed just hanging out one-on-one and enjoying each others' company for the most part (but also went a few places here and there). The only thing that kept it from being completely perfect is that he would talk about moving out of town for work, which kept me from feeling completely secure that he'd be around for a long while. He also said we were "just friends" even though we did everything a real couple would do; I tried to relax and just go with the flow, since we weren't together very long at that point. However, I do believe he is a commitment-phobe in all areas of his life, so that was always a bit of a concern in the back of my mind.

 

So one day all my subconscious fears and worries kind of blew up into me impulsively asking what we were around the 6-week mark. He said still just friends, and when I asked if it would ever be more, he said he didn't know. So I got angry and said well if you don't know, then we need to go our separate ways, and I ended it. (This was all over text, btw). What followed was a couple of days of him ignoring my messages while I tried to explain why I had freaked out. He finally texted me again without bringing up the issue, and I got mad and went off on him again. I have a lot of anxiety in relationships, and never trust that someone will stick with me. It's a defense mechanism to turn my fear into anger in the form of ending things and putting a wall up. But I ALWAYS regret it, and I regretted it big time with time, because I had fallen in love.

 

The next two months were spent sending him message after message trying to get him to talk to me, while he completely ignored me and refused to speak a word. I tried everything - I explained myself, apologized, got mad about being ignored, apologized again, etc etc. I didn't beg, but kept stating my thoughts and feelings. He would always read the messages, but never reply.

 

Finally I stopped for two weeks, and then sent another. I was shocked when he answered, but played it cool. He invited me over a couple days later, and everything felt exactly the same as before when we saw each other. The attraction, the comfort level, the connection - it was all still there. We proceeded to hang out every other day/night again, just talking and having fun and enjoying each other. The problem was that he would not initiate any contact whatsoever. It was always me texting first. He would reply, and immediately invite me over, so I tried to just go with it... but it bothered me, and confused me about his level of interest. He would also be a bit short/cold with his responses on the days he didn't invite me over. I didn't overtext by any means - once a day or every other day. So after a week of this, I "ended" things again via text, and his reply was that he was sorry, that he thinks I want more than him. I agreed and left things on a civil note. Two days later I texted to say hi, he responded by calling me and inviting me over, and I went. We had a great time, but I think we were both a bit more guarded. He said at one point that he can be "really fun to hang out with, but that's about the only promise he can make."

 

I then went 7 days without texting to see if he would text, and he didn't. So I texted hello and he replied immediately, and we just said how we were doing. He was out of town working. Several days after that, I kind of blasted him for going MIA again, and for using me, etc etc. He replied that he would be back the next day. I said that I wasn't upset that he was out of town, but that I felt if I didn't text him first, I'd never hear from him again. I waited through the weekend and didn't hear from him, so I asked him why he said he'd be back in town if he had no intention of getting in touch. An hour later I said never mind, I'm just going to say goodbye. This was all over text. He said "sorry, I've been super busy but can talk later." I said let's just leave it at goodbye. I saw him a couple days later when he came to pick up something he had loaned me, and it was all very calm and nice and civil. We chatted a bit, and then he told me to keep in touch, and I told him to take care. I texted hello a few days after that, and he responded, but we just said hello. We're still facebook friends.

 

So my questions are:

1. Why was he so much more withdrawn this time around?? It really bothered me that he wasn't initiating any contact. I felt like he had some stubborn refusal to do so. I don't know if he was trying not to lead me on or what. In person, he was completely into it, but the communication between seeing each other was severely lacking. It seems to me like he dove head-first into a "relationship" without a title the first time, but this time it wasn't nearly like that (granted, I only gave it a week and a half before I started getting anxious about it feeling different).

2. Is there any way to start seeing him again? I have zero clue what he's thinking or feeling, if he's okay with this, if he lost interest, or if he misses me. He won't talk about feelings and relationships, so I generally try not to put him on the spot by asking. I'm also very afraid of rejection, which keeps me from asking.

 

I love this person, and I can't get him off my mind. I've never felt so completely comfortable in someone's presence before - ever. I just want things back to the way they were in the beginning. If that's impossible, then I need to figure out some way to get him out of my head. I keep hanging on to hopes that he'll contact me... but he's very stubborn and strong-willed, and even if he wanted to, he won't.

Edited November 23, 2014 by AlwaysPuzzled

[Adele0908]

I'm sure he still has some interest in you. If your intuition tells you that he wants to maintain contact with you, then trust that.

 

Just give him some space to miss you. Use the time away from him to focus on yourself. And be fun to be around when he does come back

[Cedar27]

 

The next two months were spent sending him message after message trying to get him to talk to me, while he completely ignored me and refused to speak a word. I tried everything - I explained myself, apologized, got mad about being ignored, apologized again, etc etc. I didn't beg, but kept stating my thoughts and feelings. He would always read the messages, but never reply.

 

Why on earth would you want to be with a man who thinks so little of you he refuses to answer you?

 

Reality check: He's not interested in you. Move on. There are lots of guys out there who would welcome your love with open arms. This guy sounds like a jerk.

[idoltree]

1. Why was he so much more withdrawn this time around?? It really bothered me that he wasn't initiating any contact. I felt like he had some stubborn refusal to do so. I don't know if he was trying not to lead me on or what. In person, he was completely into it, but the communication between seeing each other was severely lacking. It seems to me like he dove head-first into a "relationship" without a title the first time, but this time it wasn't nearly like that (granted, I only gave it a week and a half before I started getting anxious about it feeling different).

I think it was because you had to chase him and pursue him to get that additional time with him.

 

How this is supposed to work is that the one who leaves the relationship (or in his case, won't commit to it) is the one to change his mind, come back, and pursue the one he left/wouldn't commit to. That's how you can feel assured that his heart is into it. His heart isn't into it because you didn't give him time to miss you and pursue you (and there's no guarantee he'd do that.) Instead, unable to value yourself, your time, you couldn't function in ambiguity and needed to pursue him. That's why it's different.

 

 

2. Is there any way to start seeing him again? I have zero clue what he's thinking or feeling, if he's okay with this, if he lost interest, or if he misses me. He won't talk about feelings and relationships, so I generally try not to put him on the spot by asking. I'm also very afraid of rejection, which keeps me from asking.

Honey, look at what you've written. You're anxious, all you can think about is what he thinks instead of how YOU feel about how he's treating you, and you are so afraid of rejection that you're devaluing yourself by chasing someone who wouldn't give you what you want/need.

 

Have you ever had a loving committed relationship? I'm getting a vibe that you're young, and that you've always chased unavailable guys. I think if you've had honest love and security, you'd have some perspective on how warm and safe that feels as compared to this guy.

 

Use this as a wake up call for yourself or it's just going to be guys like this over and over. Right now they're all that you can see, and you dislike yourself enough that you don't want someone who wants you. You chase the emotionally unavailable because you, yourself, are emotionally unavailable.

 

I used to be like you when I was young. I had issues from my childhood, specifically with my father, that made me the "daddy issues" poster child. I'd chase emotionally unavailable men, trying to win them over, to prove to myself that I was loveable. Meanwhile, the emotionally available men that liked me were cast aside. Need I tell you how that worked out?

 

So, first, you need counseling to understand what is going on with you that you seem to lack self respect. You can't see through your need enough to tell that you actually push people away from you when you pursue them so relentlessly. They get freaked out and they wonder why you think so little of yourself that you'll put up with the little they want to give you and chase them for more.

 

Second, buy a book with a terrible title. It's called "Why Men Love Bitches." I know, I know. The title is awful, and it's just to grab attention, I think. The content is about why respecting yourself is important, and how to make your actions match that of a woman who respects herself. It's not about being mean to anyone, it's really about being kind to yourself and standing up for what you deserve. You need to hear what is in that book, because you are giving off signals that you don't like yourself very much, which then communicates to men "she doesn't like herself, so why should I?"

 

Third, read up on attachment styles. You are a classic anxiously attached person, and you are attracted to men with avoidant attachment styles. That is what is happening now. Neither of these types end up with secure partners capable of meeting their needs, because they are attracted to one another. Avoidants mostly are with anxiously attached people, because they're the only ones who will put up with them and continue to pursue them, but it never makes for a happy relationship. Basically, I want you to see this guy for what he is - not capable of meeting your needs and not willing to meet your needs (that's not to say anything is wrong with you, it's just who he is) - and accept that he is not the answer for you. You will never get him in a loving, safe, happy and content relationship. He will always run and find ways to distance himself. You, however, can work on yourself and shifting from an anxious/preoccupied attachment style toward a secure attachment style. Only then will you be attracted to and attract men who can give you what you want.

 

So I know I only answered your questions in a roundabout way, but I hope you take this in the spirit it was intended: that this can be a wake up call for you to heal so you eventually CAN get the relationship that you want. It's just not gonna be with this guy. Once you get some emotional distance, you'll be able to accept that. He's not the answer to your prayers, it's just the distorted lenses that you've chosen to view him through. He's just a guy, he doesn't treat you well, so you should choose to let him go.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Thanks Adele <3 How long do you think it'll take him to miss me? Yesterday was really rough - I miss him soo much.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Why on earth would you want to be with a man who thinks so little of you he refuses to answer you?

 

Reality check: He's not interested in you. Move on. There are lots of guys out there who would welcome your love with open arms. This guy sounds like a jerk.

 

Thanks for your reply, Cedar. I've had a hard time accepting that he's not interested in me, because when we're together in person, he's 100% interested in every single way. With my tendency towards insecurities and doubts, I would pick up on it in a heartbeat if he wasn't. He was all there, mentally, emotionally, and physically. He treated me with great kindness and respect and consideration, listened when I talked, shared with me about himself and his life, asked for my advice and opinions, was very cuddly and affectionate the entire time, stayed up really late to hang out more even when he had to be up super early for work. I initiated the texting, but he always initiated the getting together once I did text. While we're apart, it does feel as if he's not interested. But while we're together, he seems VERY interested, and is as sweet and genuine as he could possibly be. So it's been very hot (while together) and cold (while apart) with him. It's confusing, and makes me unable to believe one way or another whether he wants to be with me.

 

As for him refusing to answer me... those were two of the most depressing months of my life. It felt horrible. But I felt that I caused it, ya know? He didn't do anything wrong when I suddenly ended things. All of a sudden, I just pushed him away and got angry and became very cold towards him, deleted him off facebook, told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I know why I did it (letting my fears and anxieties get the best of me), but what was he supposed to think? He'd been very good to me up to that point, and then I pulled that. So while he was ignoring me, giving me the silent treatment or whatever, I had no clue what he was thinking - if he was mad, or hurt, or over it. Was it really a case of him thinking so little of me, or was it that I lashed out at him for no good reason, ya know?

 

He said he was sorry for not responding, when he saw me again. He asked me, very sweetly, what he needed to say. I told him we didn't need to talk about it, so we both just agreed to have a clean slate.

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Thanks for your wonderful response, idoltree! I appreciate the time it must have taken, and you hit every nail right on the head.

 

I think it was because you had to chase him and pursue him to get that additional time with him.

 

How this is supposed to work is that the one who leaves the relationship (or in his case, won't commit to it) is the one to change his mind, come back, and pursue the one he left/wouldn't commit to. That's how you can feel assured that his heart is into it. His heart isn't into it because you didn't give him time to miss you and pursue you (and there's no guarantee he'd do that.) Instead, unable to value yourself, your time, you couldn't function in ambiguity and needed to pursue him. That's why it's different.

 

Okay, this makes perfect sense. I kind of thought this might have had a lot to do with it, but wasn't sure. Basically, my value was lowered in his eyes by my chasing him (because he saw very clearly that I wasn't valuing myself). This time around, I've ended things again for the same reasons, but I've stuck with it for the past 11 days. I did text hello once, but I haven't chased or tried to talk about things or gone after him in any way. I hate to ask this but do you think there's any chance he'll miss me and pursue, and see that I learned from the last time, and that I now value myself more? I'm not doing this for that reason; I sincerely walked away because I wanted more and I couldn't handle sticking around for the crumbs, and I told him that. But I still do want him in my life. He may expect me to start chasing him again, but I won't do that.

 

Have you ever had a loving committed relationship? I'm getting a vibe that you're young, and that you've always chased unavailable guys. I think if you've had honest love and security, you'd have some perspective on how warm and safe that feels as compared to this guy.

 

Sadly, I'm not that young - I'm in my later 30's. I've always had these problems in relationships. I've had a couple of guys who were a lot more available, and I started feeling very suffocated and bored and stressed 5 or 6 months into it, and had to end it. I've never had a mutually loving/available relationship with anyone that lasted any length of time. You're right, I think I'm definitely emotionally unavailable. Wow.

 

Second, buy a book with a terrible title. It's called "Why Men Love Bitches."

 

This is on my reading list!!! I guess I need to buy it sooner rather than later. I've seen it mentioned dozens of times on message boards.

 

Third, read up on attachment styles. You are a classic anxiously attached person, and you are attracted to men with avoidant attachment styles. That is what is happening now. Neither of these types end up with secure partners capable of meeting their needs, because they are attracted to one another. Avoidants mostly are with anxiously attached people, because they're the only ones who will put up with them and continue to pursue them, but it never makes for a happy relationship. Basically, I want you to see this guy for what he is - not capable of meeting your needs and not willing to meet your needs (that's not to say anything is wrong with you, it's just who he is) - and accept that he is not the answer for you. You will never get him in a loving, safe, happy and content relationship. He will always run and find ways to distance himself. You, however, can work on yourself and shifting from an anxious/preoccupied attachment style toward a secure attachment style. Only then will you be attracted to and attract men who can give you what you want.

 

So cool that you mention this, because I've read a good bit about it recently as I've tried to cope with all of this... I came to the same conclusions you speak of about our attachment styles. I almost feel like if he and I had a discussion about our individual styles, we could do what it takes to make it work. But that would take him also wanting to make it work, when I guess all he wants to really do is run. He had this pattern in a previous relationship, as well. I'm friendly with an ex of his, and she said that he would disappear for days or a week at a time, but that he'd always go back to her. He would either go off and cheat or stay at a guy friend's house drinking. He broke up with her on her birthday (but came back), dipped out on a New Year's Eve party they were throwing together (to go off and be with another girl), missed an important event at her mom's (because he was too hungover). It sounds like he ran any time something came up that would make them closer. I just wonder if there's any way to make him feel more comfortable, so that he doesn't have to run. I need to do some further reading on attachment styles, I guess.

 

So I know I only answered your questions in a roundabout way, but I hope you take this in the spirit it was intended: that this can be a wake up call for you to heal so you eventually CAN get the relationship that you want. It's just not gonna be with this guy. Once you get some emotional distance, you'll be able to accept that. He's not the answer to your prayers, it's just the distorted lenses that you've chosen to view him through. He's just a guy, he doesn't treat you well, so you should choose to let him go.

 

This all just makes my head spin (the situation with him, not your words). I miss him so much, and all I want to do is talk to him, but I can't. I'm having such a hard time letting go, because like I said above, he was so amazing to me while together - so sweet and respectful, and we connected so well, and felt so comfortable together. I don't usually feel that comfortable with anyone; I usually feel either insecure or irritated, and with him I felt neither. I was able to relax and completely be myself. The anxieties only arose while apart, as did his "coldness" (and when I say he was cold, I'm talking one or two word text responses, as well as him not initiating the contact). He was NEVER distant while together. He was fully engaged and attentive in every way. He did treat me well. I really want to salvage this

 

Thanks again, SO MUCH, for your response! I most definitely took it in the intended spirit.

Edited November 23, 2014 by AlwaysPuzzled

[AlwaysPuzzled]

Sorry, one more question for idoltree or anyone else. In this situation, which one of us should approach the other first in order to try again? Assuming that we both want this. He's been online a lot more this past week since I ended things. A whole lot more, and it felt to me like he was making himself available to talk, but both of us are afraid to speak first. I could just be seeing what I want to see, but it seems more than a coincidence that he would happen to drastically change his pattern right after I ended things. I don't think either of us really knows what to say, and he may feel I don't want to talk to him anymore (since I told him I didn't). I wish we could just talk and clear the air a bit. I have no idea what he's thinking. I know I should recognize that this isn't a healthy situation, and I do, but i still want him in my life (if and only if he wants it too - I don't know if he does or not, because he is not one to talk about feelings). What if we're both missing each other and neither of us know what to say, so we both just say nothing? Should he speak first, since he's the one who didn't want more of a relationship, or should I, since I'm the one who tried to rush things and then abruptly ended it all without giving it time to grow organically? I gave it about a week and a half this time around before I bailed.

 

I feel that with open communication, I could work on this while with him, and learn and grow from it (while working on myself as an individual at the same time). It could be argued that I'm the one who treated him badly, although this was never my intention.

 

Should I just give it space for a while and say nothing? For how long? I know I sound like I'm desperately trying to cling on, but I really like and admire and appreciate this person. And as I described above, he's given me plenty of signs that he cared about me as well. Maybe he really did care, but resisted getting closer because of his attachment style. At the end of our last night together, right as we were about to drift off to sleep, I asked him if he cared - he replied "Yes I care. I care a whole lot." He said it twice in a row. We were drunk, but alcohol is a truth serum right?