Guilt

[emmalynro]

My boyfriend has dated plenty, but had two really significant relationships in his life. Let's call these exes A and B. A is his former fiancee; they met in high school and fell madly in love, dated all through college and were engaged; she eventually freaked out at the realization she was going to marry the only man she'd ever dated, cheated on him, and ended things. This obviously crushed him.

 

He began dating B about two years after the breakup with A. They had been friends for a long time before they dated. B was seriously in love with him, but he never reciprocated. He said he was terrified of being alone, wanted the stability of the long-term relationship he had with A, and thought it was more important for B to be happy than for him to be happy. It was not good for him. When we first met, he was introduced to me as the ultra-brilliant guy with an unhappy home life that I shouldn't ask about. (I didn't.) They were together for almost four years with one short-term breakup.

 

He and I have been friends for a while now. We realized we had feelings for each other while he was still with B. We had an awkward conversation about it and decided to forget it. Two weeks later he ended his relationship. After a lot of serious discussions we began dating.

 

Which brings us to today. He and I have been dating for four months and it's been amazing. After two months of dating we were out drinking and he confessed that night was A's wedding night. He said he'd been slightly upset in the weeks leading up to it, but shocked by how little it really bothered him, and that he hadn't thought of her all night because he was so excited to be on our date. He said he hadn't realized he could be truly happy again until we started dating. He teared up, I teared up, etc. It's great.

 

But...sometimes I think about B. She was so devastated by the breakup that she sought a deployment in another country. They lived together for two months after the breakup while she figured out her deployment situation and he got a new lease. He and I saw each other only once a week for the first month because we wanted to keep things relaxed. We decided to not talk about the breakup to the greatest extent possible so that he could grieve the end of the relationship and not use me as a rebound. But I've unfortunately heard from friends that while they lived together he was very polite, but had very firm boundaries; she had an incredibly difficult time. She pleaded with him, propositioned him, did everything she could to reconcile, and he always refused. Now that they've moved out they see each other at events with mutual friends, and occasionally to exchange each other's stuff that they're still finding (they did live together for years). He says it's cordial but awkward. She should be at her new job abroad by January but has apparently suggested that she'd stay if they could reconcile.

 

I think about the pain she's in and it kills me. If I had to live with the love of my life/ex-boyfriend for two months I would wring his neck! I would be just as desperate and confused as she was, if not more. I have had my heart shattered and I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I hate the thought that she's hurting so deeply and I hate knowing I had a small role in that hurt. I have asked everyone to please not to discuss it around me but I still overhear things from time to time, and I'm reminded all over again. She seems like a generally nice person who was gutted by this breakup. I'm sure if we'd met under different circumstances we would have been friends, but as it is she wants me to die in a fire made of fire ants carrying firebombs. I don't blame her one bit.

 

Has anyone else struggled with feelings of guilt in a new relationship? How did you cope? Did you eventually become friends (or even just reach minimal speaking terms) with your partner's ex?

Edited November 21, 2014 by emmalynro

[Toodaloo]

I don't get it.

 

You feel guilty because he doesn't love another woman?

 

Nope I still don't get it.

 

This is all very dramaish - I hate drama.

 

Its simple, they were together now they are not. He is with you and that relationship is going well.

 

Do you think he feels guilty because you once had an ex???

[emmalynro]

I don't get it.

 

You feel guilty because he doesn't love another woman?

 

Nope I still don't get it.

 

This is all very dramaish - I hate drama.

 

Its simple, they were together now they are not. He is with you and that relationship is going well.

 

Do you think he feels guilty because you once had an ex???

 

I didn't realize I was such a poor writer. There is no "drama" of any kind, because every time she's tried something he's gently turned her aside. I feel guilty because she's really, really hurting after the end of a long-term relationship and still unable to let go, and on some level she probably thinks I'm a big reason their relationship ended. Is it wrong to feel empathy for your partner's ex?

[Toodaloo]

So actually its not that you feel bad for her its that you feel bad because you got together with him very quickly after he broke up with her?

 

Sorry but feeling guilty because you are dating a man who was single when you met him just doesn't make sense...

 

I really don't think this poor girl would want her ex's new girlfriend to feel sorry for her. Its a bit, well, off really...

 

Perhaps they struggle when together as they don't feel comfortable together any more. Dunno.

 

Really think you need to leave her alone to deal with her emotions on her own with her own friends and family.

 

This is all so... undignified... leaves a very sour taste.

[No Limit]

She'll be in another country soon. With him out of the picture she can heal in time. Personally I also think B deserves someone who doesn't have issues from his past still in him.

 

I also think that you talking about the time you dated is pretty unnecessary since you added to the fire by speaking about feelings while he was still with her. On the other hand, it's better that they are apart now rather than a few years, a wedding and a few children later.

 

*shrug* Don't give yourself all the credit. This was about him, never about you.

[emmalynro]

Wow, this thread has really opened my eyes. Thank you all.

 

Of course their breakup wasn't all about me; they had a lot of issues and it would have ended eventually. Everyone deserves to be with someone who truly loves them. And in terms of leaving her alone, I've never spoken to her. That would be horrendously cruel. I avoid her entirely. She deserves better than having to see me around with someone she still loves.

 

I have never dated someone whose ex was still in the picture to this extent and I just hate the thought of her hurting. But thanks to your posts I have realized how arrogant and self-absorbed I've been. It is wrong for me to think about her at all when she's not a part of my life. My feelings are irrelevant and unimportant because they're useless; I will never, ever be able to make her feel better, and it's none of my business. Just having these feelings is an insult she doesn't deserve.

 

This thread has really made me aware of an ugly side to my personality that I wasn't aware of. It certainly doesn't speak well of me; I am a lot more disgusting than I realized. I know what I need to work on.

 

Thank you.

[No Limit]

This thread has really made me aware of an ugly side to my personality that I wasn't aware of. It certainly doesn't speak well of me; I am a lot more disgusting than I realized. I know what I need to work on.

 

Considering this part here;

 

And in terms of leaving her alone, I've never spoken to her. That would be horrendously cruel. I avoid her entirely. She deserves better than having to see me around with someone she still loves.

 

You are still better than the real nasty ones (who make their arrival to their lovers a parade). As long as you heed that paragraph you're fine.

 

Nonetheless a warning; right now you are dating someone who is involved with 2 of his exes at the same time. His mind is still all around A, he never let her go. B will at least be gone in just a few weeks entirely, but even for breaking up with her he requires an "exit affair" (in this case the mere possibility was enough incentive for him). Take him to counseling if he ever proposes to you a few years down the road.

[Toodaloo]

You seem to be beating yourself up over an issue that shouldnt be an issue. This is quite concearning. Perhaps look at why these exes are an issue and why its leaving you feeling bad. It should cause anymore than a shrug.

 

None of us are perfect but to discribe worry for another person as ugly is a bit weird. In this case it just seems as though your emotions are all over the place... thats not good.

 

Good luck but proceed with caution.

[emmalynro]

Considering this part here;

 

 

 

You are still better than the real nasty ones (who make their arrival to their lovers a parade). As long as you heed that paragraph you're fine.

 

Nonetheless a warning; right now you are dating someone who is involved with 2 of his exes at the same time. His mind is still all around A, he never let her go. B will at least be gone in just a few weeks entirely, but even for breaking up with her he requires an "exit affair" (in this case the mere possibility was enough incentive for him). Take him to counseling if he ever proposes to you a few years down the road.

 

Thank you. You touched on another reason for my guilt that I'd implied but hadn't explicitly stated: that throughout his relationship with B he'd never really gotten over A. It's not like he used her on purpose; many people are in relationships while struggling with their pasts, but it's still incredibly unfair. She deserved better than someone who was with her out of obligation and uncertainty and fear of loneliness and all that. Yes, it was her decision to stay in the relationship, but her reasons aren't for me to judge. I've been in that place too and I don't like thinking of anyone experiencing that kind of heartbreak. Seeing it from the other side doesn't lessen my empathy. I feel awful for her but know now I can't allow it. As others have pointed out, she never asked me to feel that way and it isn't fair to her. I do think focusing on my own feelings of guilt when she's the one in real pain is selfish and ugly.

 

When we began dating we agreed upon the importance of emotional awareness, which is hard for us in different ways, but he has been quite serious about it. We practice cognitive behavioral therapy and do mental health pulse checks (How are you feeling? Do you know why? and so forth) from time to time. There's never any guarantee that anything will work out in life, but we're trying to be as mature and responsible as possible. I would definitely insist on counseling if marriage ever came up.

Edited November 22, 2014 by emmalynro