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Sexless Marriage is common <in affairs>?


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We recently had a bit of a discussion on here about this. I didn't go a lot of researching, Googled and this is what came up first. I'm sure that there is ton more, but Psychology Today is a respectable source and requires citations, so. For those who doubted the accuracy of what I was saying, here it is.

 

Sexless Marriage Is Surprisingly Common | Psychology Today

 

As others involved in affairs, do the statistics reinforce what you are told by your AP about being sexless? I wouldn't have believed my exMM had I not had a sexless marriage myself (at only age 26 no less and only after 3 years of marriage) and knew that not only did it exist, but that the lack of intimacy reaches much further than sexual in a sexless marriage.

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gettingstronger

I suppose if you believe in lying and deceiving as a way out of a sexless marriage rather than honesty and counseling, then yes, you have found your excuse- backed up by science no less-

 

I guess I am confused by why its ok to cheat in a sexless marriage but not a good one- is their a caste system for cheating?

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My husband considered a sex less marriage having sex 1-2 times a week. For what that is worth. Meaning, he lied. I also lied to my AP 14 years ago.

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Sexless marriage is generally defined as 10 times a year or less. While I wouldn't be happy with that frequency, I still would consider it having sex.

 

How common is truly sexless marriage, such that the mm/mw isn't engaging in sex with both the spouse and the affair partner?

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I was in a sexless marriage as well.

 

My former married friend wasn't in a sexless marriage, but a very vanilla sex marriage. Although it may have been less than 10 times a year.

 

He had no reason to lie about it.

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My husband considered a sex less marriage having sex 1-2 times a week.

 

Yeah, I guess it depends on what the definition is, or how we interpret it. I have a couple friends who I know have gone 5 or 6 months without. One is in the middle of a D, the other seems pretty content. Considering 1-2 times a week "sexless" is absurd to me, though. (That's pretty much where my W and I are, maybe a little more.) Even once a month I could see being ok if it's really, really great sex.

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We were both in a sexless marriage I guess. My marriage was averaging about 4-6 times a year.

 

For our affair, we stopped any sexual contact with our spouses after the affair started.

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My H had not had sex with his then-W for years. I know this from what she herself claimed, in various formats, and from other sources.

 

He wasn't attracted to her. Masturbation was a more attractive option.

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There is never ever a valid reason to cheat. But yes I think a lot of marriages where cheating happens are sexless.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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In my own A the issue of sexlessness did not come up. They had sex. However, I'm not sure if it would have mattered if it was sexless or not.

 

I don't think many people believe sexless marriages don't exist but rather, probably advise due suspicion when this reason is given in affairs, as you've also had BSs who attest to their WSs saying the marriage was sexless when it wasn't true. So I think in general, "believe half of what you hear" is a general rule of thumb people advise in an A and not that the person is always lying about everything or that sexless marriages don't occur.

 

I suppose for me the question would be: sexless or not, what difference does it make in the A? Does a sexless marriage make for a better/more valid A? What's at stake I guess in proving the marriage is sexless? A good point you brought up Amy is that a lot of other intimacy issues often precede sexlessness, and I think sometimes it is painted as one horrible party refraining from sex so the other has to get their "needs" met elsewhere, yet the outsider often doesn't know the extent of the intimacy issues which preceded this sexlessness and how the MP themselves may have contributed just as much to it and why their spouse won't sleep with them. I think it's definitely important to be mindful that in sexless scenarios often a lot more goes into it than simply this poor soul who is being denied sex for no reason.

Edited by MissBee
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In my own A the issue of sexlessness did not come up. They had sex. However, I'm not sure if it would have mattered if it was sexless or not.

 

I don't think many people believe sexless marriages don't exist but rather, probably advise due suspicion when this reason is given in affairs, as you've also had BSs who attest to their WSs saying the marriage was sexless when it wasn't true. So I think in general, "believe half of what you hear" is a general rule of thumb people advise in an A and not that the person is always lying about everything or that sexless marriages don't occur.

 

I suppose for me the question would be: sexless or not, what difference does it make in the A? Does a sexless marriage make for a better/more valid A? What's at stake I guess in proving the marriage is sexless? A good point you brought up Amy is that a lot of other intimacy issues often precede sexlessness, and I think sometimes it is painted as one horrible party refraining from sex so the other has to get their "needs" met elsewhere, yet the outsider often doesn't know the extent of the intimacy issues which preceded this sexlessness and how the MP themselves may have contributed just as much to it and why their spouse won't sleep with them. I think it's definitely important to be mindful that in sexless scenarios often a lot more goes into it than simply this poor soul who is being denied sex for no reason.

 

 

Absolutely. This is very well stated.

 

FWIW, my spouse told the OW we did not even live together. When in fact we did, and had sex 4x a week, as had been the norm during our marriage. It never changed during the affair.

 

So I would always urge caution in what believing what you are told, especially by a person who has something to gain by the telling of something like that.

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I believe it.

 

Ive never been married, but my in one of my relationships there was very little sex. He was too focused on other women to bother with having sex with me.

 

Sometimes the sexless relationship is the fault of ws, not the bs. When I told people, they would blame me saying I just needed to be sexier. Bf didnt even blame me, but others did.

 

Lets say the bs wasnt having sex. We dont know why...Maybe the ws is demeaning and unkind to bs. We dont know the hole story. My exbf told me he was tired of my body. Would you want to have sex after that?

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I was in a sexless marriage for 8 years. 6 of them completely sexless.

 

 

I didn't cheat, tempted though I was. Instead, we split.

 

 

IMO, being sexless isn't reason to cheat. It's and excuse.

 

 

Grow a pair (male or female) and leave if it's that important to you.

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A long term marriage is a reflection of the ebb and flow of being Human. People get ill, people get stressed, people at certain times must put their own needs on hold, as it's impossible to be all and everything to everyone at all times. People juggle careers, family, obligations. Long term relationships experience highs and lows, but it's expected if you're realistic. Nothing good comes easy. Achieving a goal, whether it's academic, running a business, caring for a family and the evolution of young children into adulthood comes with challenges.

 

The happiest people I know are those who rode the waves, who appreciated the good times and worked through the rough times.

 

It's rather naive to assume that cheating is justified and limit the overall complexity of marriage in such a narrow viewpoint to attribute that a dry spell in marital sex is cause for betrayal.

 

Unfortunately, leaving for an affair partner does not guarantee that once the sex drys up, or there is stress, or illness, that the WS won't bail out and look for the next person to fulfill their needs.

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It's confusing because some OW justify their affair if the marriage is sexless, as if not having sex negates the fact that he is married. And then often the same OW say that the affair is not about sex.

 

I think their logic is this... BS was seriously slacking by not having sex with her husband. Even though he was never in love with or attracted to BS anyway. After all, he only married BS because he was pressured or she got pregnant. He was such a great husband for marrying and tolerating her, but the lack of sex (with someone that he was never attracted to) was just too much for him. And that missing connection prompted him to seek the once in a lifetime bond that he found with OW, which is superior to any relationship he ever had. Their emotional connection just makes the sex even better and more meaningful, and nullifies or voids the marriage. (from OW's perspective).

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Sometimes it's the other way around. Sometimes a WS stops having sex with his/her BS because of an A. Most of the literature agrees that a change in sexual frequency (up or down) may be a sign of infidelity (amongst many others of course).

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A long term marriage is a reflection of the ebb and flow of being Human. People get ill, people get stressed, people at certain times must put their own needs on hold, as it's impossible to be all and everything to everyone at all times. People juggle careers, family, obligations. Long term relationships experience highs and lows, but it's expected if you're realistic. Nothing good comes easy. Achieving a goal, whether it's academic, running a business, caring for a family and the evolution of young children into adulthood comes with challenges.

 

The happiest people I know are those who rode the waves, who appreciated the good times and worked through the rough times.

 

It's rather naive to assume that cheating is justified and limit the overall complexity of marriage in such a narrow viewpoint to attribute that a dry spell in marital sex is cause for betrayal.

 

Unfortunately, leaving for an affair partner does not guarantee that once the sex drys up, or there is stress, or illness, that the WS won't bail out and look for the next person to fulfill their needs.

 

Well, we may be an extreme case but for my guy and his ex it was twelve long years. Him begging, her refusing, him giving up, feeling unloved and not looking for (either one of us) someone else, but being drawn to someone who shows... interest, yes, but appreciation and respect.

 

I have been on LTR's. I would not have stayed, had it been sexless. I would have felt unloved. That does not sex equals love, but without that.component, it is not love, it is friendship.

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pose for me the question would be: sexless or not, what difference does it make in the A? Does a sexless marriage make for a better/more valid A?

 

Exactly. Wrong is wrong.

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Well, we may be an extreme case but for my guy and his ex it was twelve long years. Him begging, her refusing, him giving up, feeling unloved and not looking for (either one of us) someone else, but being drawn to someone who shows... interest, yes, but appreciation and respect.

 

I have been on LTR's. I would not have stayed, had it been sexless. I would have felt unloved. That does not sex equals love, but without that.component, it is not love, it is friendship.

 

It's mind boggling that it took 12 years of no intimacy and you in the wings for him to leave her. Yes, I agree, your situation is extreme.

 

You say you've had LTR's that were not sexless and yet they ended. Isn't it ironic in a sense to be focused on lack of sex as a reason for a failed marriage, when many LTR's fail for many complicated reasons beyond sex.

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CrystalCastles
Well, we may be an extreme case but for my guy and his ex it was twelve long years. Him begging, her refusing, him giving up, feeling unloved and not looking for (either one of us) someone else, but being drawn to someone who shows... interest, yes, but appreciation and respect.

 

I have been on LTR's. I would not have stayed, had it been sexless. I would have felt unloved. That does not sex equals love, but without that.component, it is not love, it is friendship.

 

From what I have read and what people on this forum have said, no one can make you stay married. Its still possible to get a divorce even if your spouse refuses to divorce you, but its a longer process. Maybe this is different in your state, but if your guy wanted to divorce his ex so badly, he should have just filed even if she refused instead of cheating and dragging out the marriage for that long. How long were you OW for?

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still_an_Angel
From what I have read and what people on this forum have said, no one can make you stay married. ]

 

Children can and do. They can be a major factor in how a divorce plays out.

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It's confusing because some OW justify their affair if the marriage is sexless, as if not having sex negates the fact that he is married. And then often the same OW say that the affair is not about sex.

 

I think their logic is this... BS was seriously slacking by not having sex with her husband. Even though he was never in love with or attracted to BS anyway. After all, he only married BS because he was pressured or she got pregnant. He was such a great husband for marrying and tolerating her, but the lack of sex (with someone that he was never attracted to) was just too much for him. And that missing connection prompted him to seek the once in a lifetime bond that he found with OW, which is superior to any relationship he ever had. Their emotional connection just makes the sex even better and more meaningful, and nullifies or voids the marriage. (from OW's perspective).

 

Let's also not forget the children that were conceived during the sexless marriage. Maybe the wife drugged and took advantage of the poor husband who hadn't had sex in years or she saved semen in a condom and had it inserted into her, cause the marriage was sexless.

 

Still-an-angel, the fact that a couple has children does not prevent a divorce. I wish you would break free from the MM and find someone else to have in your life. Sitting here in my seat, it seems like you are just wasting your life on some married dude. Is he really worth all that you endure? Is he really worth not having someone to grow old with, someone to comfort you in times of sickness, someone to wake up with each day and go to bed with each night?

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This is one of those things where it's easy to get a yes or no response without knowing any of the background behind it.

 

first, define "sexless". What does this mean? Does it mean sex once a week, once a month, once a year, never? The answers could be very subjective. What is viewed as "sexless" to one may not, in fact, be sexless. Perhaps a better question would be " is the amount of sex you are having satisfactory to you"

 

second, is it really no sex or is it more not the kind of sex a person wants to have. For examle, woman A wants to be more adventerous, yet her hsuabnd does not, and she is unsatisfied. Taken at face value, he is not giving her what she wants. Is that the whole story? Perhaps it would be good to try and find out why. Does he know there is a problem? Has she told him or just expected him to figure it out on his own? What kind of sex is it that he doesn't want? Is it something he really finds unpleasant or even repugnant?

 

Why doesn't he want to have sex with her anymore? Is she cruel to him? Does she just let herself go and treat him badly to a point that he doesn't want to have sex with her and then she cheats on him, claiming "zero sex" as her excuse?

 

 

Third. What is going on besides "no sex"? I would assume that this doesn't happen in isolation, and there are external factors at play in this scenario. Is she working al day, then expeceted to come home, look afer the kids, and fall exhausted into bed, only to have hubby come in, all raring to go after spending his evening watching tv or playing video games, and now wanting a five minute roll in the hay beofre falling asleep snoring?

 

Is huby really stressed out becuase he has a realy difficult job, is worried about finances and maybe losing his job if he doesn't meet his next deadline? His mind is constantly turing over his problems, and when his wife spends an hour going on about how tight the money is and how she wishes there was more, then she decides she wants to get a bit frisky and he feels bad about himslef, so much so that it's an impossibility?

 

Are there medical issues? Is she on birth dontrol pills, are either one of them on antidepressants, are there other llnesses, physical ailments that are factoring in that the wayward spouse isn't bringing up? After all, how is it going to sound if he says soemthing that amounts to " my wife and I are having infrequent sex because she has ( for example) lupus and is so ill right now that she can barely get out of bed, and in so much pain taht she's fighting back tears most of the time, so I'm just going to scr@w around behind her back, and who cares if she finds out and gets hurt, so long as I'm getting some". How many potential other women would find that attractive, though it's the truth?

 

What is their family life like? Are there issues with the kids, extended families? Are their drug/alcohol issue at play?

 

When it come right down to it, most people ( not all, but most) enjoy sex, so one would assume that both spouses, if things were ideal would want to have it, so why doesn't the "withholding" spouse want to?

 

I expect there are some men and women who are asexual, but, in a lot of cases, it comes down to the reality of the "withholding" spouse feeling like:

 

- I don't want to becaus I'm incredibly stressed about other areas in my life, and need more that just a "wham-bam-thank you mam" ( or man) to want to have sex

 

- I have physical issues that keep me form wanting sex. You know that, but don't seem to care, wich makes me wnat it even less

 

-Sorry, but you just are't as gifted in the bedroom dep't as you'd like to think, or if you are, you aren't shwing me that side of yourself

 

-We ARE having se many times a month, but you want soemthing different than what we are doing, but you don't tell me and expect me to read your mind. I can't, so you hold that against me, and have equated that to be ' we never have sex"

 

- You need to bathe/use deodorant/lay off the nachos/shave/change out of that ratty "team building exercise '99" shirt before "business time"

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

 

- I love you, and I want to be with you, but we don't talk about our sexual issues. Everythime we try something happens and the converstaion goes off the rails

 

If, as many ow like to point out, an affair is almost always the fault of both spouses, then isn;t it also a fair assumption that a sexless marriage, if ther eis one, is also the fault of both spouses?

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Every single person I know who has had an affair has been getting plenty at home...

 

The only time they have not been getting plenty at home is in situations where there are separated from their partner/ spouse with a view to the relationship ending.

 

A friend has recently discovered her husbands 4 year affair. Aparently twice a day on "bad days" wasn't enough and him telling her he loved her and being romantic means that he was in an emotionless marriage...

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