Evening Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Can please someone tell me why some people are like me? Sometimes I hate being single, but at the same time when someone wants a relationship or things get serious, I start to run away. There are times when I think that I want someone to take care of me...but I never really give them a chance to do so. But at the same time I love my freedom. I love life. I once thought that I would rather have a successful business life than love life. All of my relationships with men are casual. Should I be worried? Should I change that? What do you think? (Btw I am 23) Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Evening Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Sounds awful maybe for some of you, but a reason why I would want to have a bf is physical intimacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Nothing wrong with that. Ask any one and I bet they would say the same. Thing is that there is a difference between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy... Don't know what to recommend but suggest that you try and figure out why you don't want anyone "close" and go from there. Self help books on commitment phobes etc may help as you may recognize some of your own behaviors in there? You can't start solving the problem until you know what the problem is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Evening Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Nothing wrong with that. Ask any one and I bet they would say the same. Thing is that there is a difference between physical intimacy and emotional intimacy... Don't know what to recommend but suggest that you try and figure out why you don't want anyone "close" and go from there. Self help books on commitment phobes etc may help as you may recognize some of your own behaviors in there? You can't start solving the problem until you know what the problem is. You are very right. I do not know what my problem is. I love freedom, I like people, I am maybe too unpredictable? I am afraid that I might be tied with them forever? Commitment for me means something very deep. But I guess I should see things differently. Or maybe I am so focused on myself at the moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I think you should focus on yourself right now. Be independent. During this time you will learn about yourself. If you want to date, just be upfront that you want only casual. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Well, you're 23 for starters. When I was 23, I think I pretended to like commitment - and guess what, I was fooling myself and EVERYONE around me. While I liked going through the motions and having a warm body.....I really liked freedom too. At least you're being honest with yourself. Just be honest with others and eventually you'll wake up one day and be ready. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 (edited) I think you should focus on yourself right now. Be independent. During this time you will learn about yourself. If you want to date, just be upfront that you want only casual. Never a truer word spoken. Your not going to know what your problem is until you focus on yourself. There is a reason why I love the outdoors and countryside so much. I get very claustrophobic very quickly. I can't stand to be "reined in" or "controlled". I thought I was a commitmentphobe but I realised that I don't have a problem with commitment - I do have a problem with whom I commit to. It has taken a lot of soul searching, reading books, articles, google searches and mistakes to realise this. I thought I was inferior/ worthless and should try harder in my relationships. What I should have been doing was looking after myself and making wiser choices so I felt better about myself and didn't have to try so hard... I should have been picking my men the same way I pick my horses but I didn't. With the nags its a "til death do us part" decision. I go look and find out about them then work out how they would fit in. If they won't fit in, I don't buy even if its the most wonderful nag in the world... With men it was always "how can I change myself to be what they want"... Obviously it was never going to work and I was always going to end up miserable... I am still learning how to deal with this and how to alter my behaviour so it doesn't end painfully. Your 23. Have some fun, make sure you don't screw with peoples emotions on the way and go find yourself. Sex is fun and no person is an island. We all need a bit of physical interaction sometimes. Edited October 31, 2014 by Toodaloo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Evening Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Never a truer word spoken. Your not going to know what your problem is until you focus on yourself. There is a reason why I love the outdoors and countryside so much. I get very claustrophobic very quickly. I can't stand to be "reined in" or "controlled". I thought I was a commitmentphobe but I realised that I don't have a problem with commitment - I do have a problem with whom I commit to. It has taken a lot of soul searching, reading books, articles, google searches and mistakes to realise this. I thought I was inferior/ worthless and should try harder in my relationships. What I should have been doing was looking after myself and making wiser choices so I felt better about myself and didn't have to try so hard... I should have been picking my men the same way I pick my horses but I didn't. With the nags its a "til death do us part" decision. I go look and find out about them then work out how they would fit in. If they won't fit in, I don't buy even if its the most wonderful nag in the world... With men it was always "how can I change myself to be what they want"... Obviously it was never going to work and I was always going to end up miserable... I am still learning how to deal with this and how to alter my behaviour so it doesn't end painfully. Your 23. Have some fun, make sure you don't screw with peoples emotions on the way and go find yourself. Sex is fun and no person is an island. We all need a bit of physical interaction sometimes. I really like what you sayin. I mean maybe these are not the right people, right men. And I do want to share myself -I am very opened - but I start feeling afraid when (as I said earlier) things get serious. I am definitely also afraid of getting hurt. For me emotional pain is the worst and I am really career type of woman and work definitely has to be a passion for me. I have to love what I am doing. Otherwise I would get depressed. I have pushed myself hard trying to understand myself why I am like that. I like spending time on my own, I do not feel lonely, I think we all need some alone time from time to time. Sometimes I do feel bad and sad that I am not exactly a relationship material. I have pushed myself hard to trying to be, but it does not happen that way. Also I am scared that when I commit myself to someone I have to take care of their needs also. I am very helpful and loving towards others, but sometimes I feel or actually quite often that I do not know how to take care of my own emotions, feelings and I am struggling with that, so it really hard for me to be there for someone all the time, when I can be very moody and implusive. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 I am definitely also afraid of getting hurt. For me emotional pain is the worst and I am really career type of woman and work definitely has to be a passion for me. Why is emotional pain so scarey for you? Thats the question you need to ask yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Evening Posted October 31, 2014 Author Share Posted October 31, 2014 Because it will turn my life upside down. I do not like to be vulnerable. Most of the time in life I have felt like I am not able to defend myself emotionally. I am very sensitive person. Being sensitive, being vulnerable for me feels like being weak. I do not want to feel weak. And I am not good at handling my emotions and feelings (as I said earlier) Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Because it will turn my life upside down. I do not like to be vulnerable. Most of the time in life I have felt like I am not able to defend myself emotionally. I am very sensitive person. Being sensitive, being vulnerable for me feels like being weak. I do not want to feel weak. And I am not good at handling my emotions and feelings (as I said earlier) You recognize this which is very good. Knowing is half of the battle. You have to understand and also accept that being vulnerable in a relationship allows you to make a deep connection with someone, a special someone to be exact. But do not think vulnerability is a weakness. That's a negative view of becoming emotionally attached. Being vulnerable emotionally is a positive thing when it leads to a connection with someone you deeply love. Since you are a sensitive person, you should practice being patient and open minded. Learn to not jump to conclusions and assume the worst. This is something you will have to work on diligently. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Evening Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 23 is too young to be worried about this. you're at a point where it's actually just fine to be wandering between dates and assessing what you like/want and what you don't. if you're 40+ and still have this issue then yes, it's a problem. right now, who cares? are you looking to be married at 23? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Evening Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 No I do not want to get married. But I hate to be alone, at the same time I am not sure if what I want is the relationship.. Some guys just want relationship and I should not toy with their emotions. I do not know what I want. And thats the issue. Seems like others are doing stuff around me what definitely affects me. When most of your friends are in relationships.. Ughh.. I do not know. Sometimes when I do not know I just stop thinking about it. The answer comes when I least expect it. Lol Link to post Share on other sites
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