Gloria25 Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 (edited) Ok, with the recent threads about women being lazy in dating, whether or not guys stare but don't approach, I would like to ask a question here... Could a guy staring and not approaching have: (1) To do with something I'm doing/not doing; or, (2) His mind is made up that he doesn't want something to happen. In Case #1, I think I've done enough. He turned down me asking him out for drinks once (where I was clear sex was pretty much gonna happen) - which was a rain check to me not being available to him when he wanted to hook-up with me. Since him turning me down, I've kept the door open by being friendly. I also try to chat him up now and then and I'm sure he's figured out by now that me chatting him up has nothing to do with the thing(s) discussed in the chats. I also catch him checking me out at times. So, I "guess" he still is attracted? So, in Case #1, is there something more I need to do/not do? In Case #2, I sometimes believe that cuz of his circumstances, he already made up his mind that he's not gonna have anything to do with me and he stares but looks away and/or tries to ignore me in hopes that he can turn off his attraction. Also, I sometimes think he is talking himself out of his attraction to me cuz he thinks I do not have the same level of interest/attraction and/or there is something about him that "if" I start dating him and see, it's gonna turn me off. Well, I have insecurities too, but if someone is adamant about them not being what you want, I don't know how you can convince them otherwise when they are the ones trying to ignore you (see Case#1). I mean, I'm not Halle Berry, so I just don't get if there's something I'm doing and/or not doing that would make him work so hard to talk himself out of his attraction towards me in fears that I would diss him. So, in Case #2, I think it's time for me to throw in the towel cuz I can't force someone to like and/or get to know me if they made up their mind that I don't like them. I appreciate any comments, insights, shared stories. Thanks, Edited October 29, 2014 by Gloria25 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 I'd say you're working a little too hard actually. There are a lot of guys with issues they don't want to face so they run around blaming the women for not clubbing them over the head and dragging them into the bedroom. Please don't take them seriously. =/ 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted October 29, 2014 Share Posted October 29, 2014 You have to be careful not to become too available and interested, and definitely don't talk to him in a way that would make him feel like sex is guaranteed at the end of the night...men want to feel like that wasn't on the table but they kind of made it happen with their miraculous swooning skills and ability even though you were ready to put out at the drop of a hat. If you're engaging in conversation with the guy and went out of your way to meet him and open to his advances then that is plenty enough...don't go above and beyond just to let the guy know that you are interested...the guy will just figure you are desperate and the only reason he'll sleep with you is because you're offering but probably won't respect you one bit for it. If you open the door but the guy doesn't walk through it, just simply leave it....stop wasting your time because everything you do after that is only going to degrade you and make you look cheap. Don't do all this talk in your head like you're doing something wrong and/or could change some kind of behavior to get the guys attention...that's where a lot of women go wrong and I expect only teenage girls to do that. You need to be confident and secure in yourself and not bend over backwards so easily for a guy who basically isn't showing interest or making any kind of effort...you don't need to leave a trail of beer, pizza and other treats on a red carpet leading to your vagina with legs open wide just to feel you've done enough to let him know you're interested...that's all unnecessary...guys are clueless yes, but you already asked him out and he didn't take up the offer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rejected Rosebud Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Is this the engaged guy you wrote the "slap me" thread about? I think you should forget about him and move on! I'm pretty sure he is not interested from what you wrote, so leaving him alone is not lazy of you, it's appropriate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Gloria - you are far too available. Your a great lass not a damned doormat or "lump to hump"... You may well be a Sex Goddess but that means you get to pick not them... They need to be doing more to chase you and if they are not then they are not "worthy" of your praise (or your poonani). Leave him well alone and go find someone who is gorgeous and then you can spoil them. Until then, until they have proved themselves, no man is worthy. Chin up chook. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 In Case #1, I think I've done enough. He turned down me asking him out for drinks once (where I was clear sex was pretty much gonna happen) - which was a rain check to me not being available to him when he wanted to hook-up with me. You did more than enough. Asking a guy out for some personal time to get to know each other is a clear sign to any guy that you are interested. Only an unavailable or uninterested man turns down a date with a woman. Move on and find yourself an available and interested man. They are out there. I mean, I'm not Halle Berry, so I just don't get if there's something I'm doing and/or not doing that would make him work so hard to talk himself out of his attraction towards me in fears that I would diss him. Stop comparing yourself to another woman. Especially a celebrity. Stop obsessing over a guy you like but he is not interested in you. It is affecting you to the point you want to change your behavior towards men, as if it is a magic method that will change everything. Someone mentioned that this guy you like is engaged. Is this true? If so, why are you chasing after a guy that is taken? Is that what attracts you to him, that he is unavailable, so it is more of a challenge? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Maybe he's not attracted and doesn't want to date you. There is nothing in what you say he does to suggest he is interested. Backing off might be more productive than trying to catch his eye. If you offer yourself on a plate, he doesn't have to make an effort and he knows it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I think in a situation like this, there's nothing more you can do but move on. I had this happen last year. I asked a man for drinks, he declined, but continued to be rather friendly and interacted with me. Then at a party I watched him and another man have a conversation about how they have no game and can't get any girls. Guess I didn't count lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gloria25 Posted November 1, 2014 Author Share Posted November 1, 2014 (edited) Thanks for the replies everyone, No, he isn't a "challenge" for me. I just really thought we had some things in common - which have been difficult for me to find. I mean, I think if I posted some more details it would make sense. But, I think I've expressed enough to him what my interest/attraction/intentions are, and yea, backing off and remaining respectful and friendly is what is best. I mean, so far I feel the anxiety dropping. I guess I feel better getting what I had to say of my chest and making up my mind as to what to do is a relief. Edited November 1, 2014 by Gloria25 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 Good luck Gloria. You sound an interesting person and need someone worthy. I don't think guys cope very well with women who seem available to them. They seem to panic and mentally devalue the woman. I know this shouldn't be the case but I suspect it's a primitive instinct. Being distant and less available might be more productive with this guy (if you really like him), than being nice and friendly and there. It would make it clear to him that the offer was special and if he wants to take it up he's going to have to prove his worth to you now, not the other way round. xx Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 I'm getting that he doesn't think you're the kind of girl for him and maybe doesn't just screw around. Doesn't mean he doesn't think you're pretty or anything, just that maybe he's not like that. Link to post Share on other sites
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