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livingnightmare

I met a woman online that I new from when I was younger, when we were younger this girl was chased after by all the popular boys in school, but she wasn't interested in them and was bullied because of this by the boys and bullied by the girls because of their jealousy, this girl caught my eye back then, but we never even spoke. ( it turns out she was interested in me then to)

 

Years later (the weekend) we both matched on a swipe app, straight away we got on like a house on fire, she didn't recognize me at first, but her eyes really stood out to me in school, I never seen eyes so beautiful, and new it was her, her eyes just melt me when I look at them on her pictures.

 

So we added each other on facebook because of the long time connection, and resumed our chatting there.

 

I got to learn she is religious, goes to church regularly with her kids, she cares for her mother, and is really a sweet natured loving woman from all the other things she talked about, I really like these qualities in her.

 

Anyway she kept telling me she has put on weight, I told her not to worry about it as I'm no spring chicken and could do with putting some on, and can accept we are not all perfect and felt somewhat of a connection on an emotional level.

 

A couple of days in she told me the photos she has put up are old and that she has gone really big, she told me she was a uk dress size 22, I don't have a clue about female dress sizes so asked a close female friend on how big that is, to my shock it is very big.

 

We got talking about it and she told me she is on anti-depressants because she has had a hard life with a lot of bad things happening to her over the years, she was a size 10 2 years earlier and since being on the tablets she is struggling to control her weight.

 

She says she has never felt loved by anyone is very lonely like myself deep down and knows that if she could just get her mood up and get off the anti-D's she could loose the weight and get herself to the physical beauty she once possessed. This woman was very athletic most of her life and when I say she use to turn heads she really use to, she use to be absolutely stunning looks wise. She has also recently joined a gym and says she knows she can look better in 1 year for me if I have an issue with her weight.

 

First of all I told her, she shouldn't try to get of the anti-D's and loose weight for me or anyone else, she should do this for herself and her children.

 

We have chatted for days now, and she has told me she feels a connection with me too, and I still do feel a connection, she says she really likes me because I am not like other guys etc as they are all after only one thing when they see her pics from 2 years ago. I can tell she has put a lot into us meeting as she says she thinks we can be something special etc,

 

In all honesty I do not find her size sexually attractive at all, and this is really getting to me, because of the shallow thoughts uncontrollably popping up in my mind.

 

I have still agreed to meet her because of the personality of her and her nature and also because I am thinking that if I can be there for her and make her happy she would get off the anti-ds and get down to a more sexually attractive size that would physically turn me on, I cant help what I am sexually attracted too.

 

I feel so shallow in myself for thinking along these lines, I just feel this girls nature is so loving, she is so gentle and caring and I honestly didnt think there were any women in my area with such old fashioned qualities and I really like these qualities in her, (I have nice guy traits) I feel like rescuing her from her depression, I know that being a rescuer is not a good thing for myself though. (I know alot about nutrition, diet and exercise) and truly believe if I could get this woman off the anti-D's i could get her in really great shape and end up with a not just a beautiful minded girlfriend but a fit and healthy one too. She has said to me (I never said or hinted a thing) she would loose weight if she just had someone to care for her and make her feel happy. I told her happiness comes from within etc

 

Her friend on facebook messaged me yesterday and said to me to tread careful with her as she is very vulnerable, she told me that her weight issue is down to the anti-d's and if it wasn't for her being on these she is amazingly stunning and this isn't her natural weight at all. She told me that her friend really likes me and has joined a gym, has gone on a protein diet within the few days of meeting me and is really making a serious effort to loose weight for me. Obviously I am flattered that this woman is going to these lengths for me.

 

I just feel shallow that in my mind I'm thinking maybe If I get closer to her help her through her problems I can get her to loose weight and get back closer to how she use to be, I also feel that if i'm not careful she could end up hurt, I really dont want to hurt her in anyway.

 

I feel like I want to help her loose the weight, stick around and see what happens.

 

What do I do? I see potential with this lady If she wasn't so big, its not that she has naturally let her self go, its because of her illness and the medication, I have so many what ifs going on in my head and that maybe if I help her through this I will end up with not just an amazing woman in heart, mind and person, but a stunningly beautiful one too, she really is so lovely natured, I only want to feel loved like she wants to and she seems as if she could have a lot of love to give because of her nature. My ex had a body to die for, but her heart and mind were cruel and cold and this is what I am weighing up, that there could be potential here as its an illness what can be cured that has done this to her weight.

 

Anyone been in a situation where anti-ds have created weight problems?

 

Has anyone been on anti-ds and lost weight after coming off them?

 

I see some potential in this lady but I know that her size at the moment is not something that could sexually turn me on, I can't help feeling that way.

 

I am also concerned that she is putting to much thought and emotion into the thought of us and she could end up more depressed if I do not tread carefully or If I backed out now and I really do not want to hurt this lady in any way I have had depression my self so know full well how much it hurts.

 

Sorry if I come across as a shallow person, I'm really not and that is why I need guidance from here. I just cant help these thoughts, any advice is appreciated, more importantly than anything I don't want to hurt this woman and drive her into a deeper depression.

 

PS I have not led her on in anyway or gave her false hope, I have tried to be as genuine as possible and said from the start that the best relationships are built slowly and we should just get to know each other not rush things with no expectations and see what happens.

 

Really need Loveshacks input and guidance how to handle this matter I really do not want to hurt this lady in any way at all. I respect the wealth of information here and the insight of the people, it has given me great support every time I have needed it.

 

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

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Go on the date.

 

Enjoy her company.

 

People can lose weight at the right time. Being an arse tends to be harder to change.

 

Womens weight goes up and down all the time.

 

Look at those beautiful eyes...

 

Never mind the rest for now just ask yourself do you still get on with her. Do you have fun with her. Do you respect her?

 

When I was a UK 22 lots of people thought I was an UK 18...

 

I would be more worried about her self confidence being in the bucket than the size of her backside at this stage.

 

For goodness sake what ever you do - do not mention her weight when you go on the date. Even if you don't want to carry things forward and its a turn off for you do not mention it and if she asks why you don't want to see her again (if you don't) just say that you feel that she needs some time to be more confident in herself and do more fun things before being stuck with a fossil such as yourself... or something similar but do not make it about her weight or she will end up piling more on.

 

Kid gloves with this one. Be gentle and be a gentleman.

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Don't apologise OP. We are all attracted to who we are attracted to. Not every woman's weight goes up and down by the way. Certainly not to UK size 22.

 

Size 22 is morbidly obese. Most people would question that person's ability to run her life and allowing herself to get to that stage. I'm sure she has some lovely qualities but that vulnerability mentioned must be extremely hard to manage. What I have seen, really big people are that way because they turn to food when dealing with emotional problems and comfort eat. The same way as alcoholics turn to booze. When they feel better about themselves they lose weight, when things get difficult they pile on the weight again instead of dealing with the reality of the issue.

 

As a poster here put it once: you wear your inside on the outside. Make your decision based on that and don't feel bad. Her issues aren't your responsibility. Good luck.

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Size 22 is morbidly obese. Most people would question that person's ability to run her life and allowing herself to get to that stage.

 

Not only was I running my own life while I was fat, continuing with my charity work as well as working full time and looking after my own animals as well as other peoples, looking after an arse of a bloke and my grandparents, but also managed to save a company that was about to go bankrupt within 3 weeks and the job of 15 men with out making any redundancies during the recession. Now I know it didn't hit the UK as hard as it hit the US but in comparison to the competition that was doing amazingly well. While others were making redundancies we were taking people on... Yes I was fat, I was working my backside off, ill and in a sh&tty relationship... It has pretty much come off since my health has improved a-hole has gone etc... I have not changed, the size of my bum has. To turn someone down that you get on really well with because they are fat (and losing it) is really really silly. More so if they have accepted that they need to do something about it and are actually doing something about it.

 

When they feel better about themselves they lose weight, when things get difficult they pile on the weight again instead of dealing with the reality of the issue.

 

Rubbish. this woman knows what her problems are she is taking steps to address those problems... Its not as if she is saying "oooh I am fat" then troughing on pizza. She is going to the gym she is looking after self both physically and mentally. I would far rather date someone that has the balls to change after a poo time than who bitches about others or can't see beyond a few pounds. Its called life. Its that funny thing that happens while we are working and growing older...

 

Just a couple of comments in bold here...

 

I still think you should go OP. I think you will regret it if you don't. If you don't feel attracted to her physically then so be it. But you are never going to know unless you go.

 

Just think if you don't go now and you see her in a year when she has lost all that weight walking down the road with some other chap on her arm and you standing there thinking "that could have been me"... give yourself the chance. Even if in a year its same scenario at least then you will be thinking "that was me, shame it didn't work out"...

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To be honest she sounds like she has a lot of issues yet you focused on the weight.

 

I once dated a girl briefly, she was tiny, I lost interest when she said she was on meds and in therapy.

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Just a couple of comments in bold here...

You don't need to justify yourself to me it's not your thread. How is a preference for healthy and balanced silly? Or even shallow? 'Seeing beyond a few pounds' is the difference between someone physically able to carry their weekly shopping up the stairs and having the stamina mentally and physically to deal with life rather than taking some mobility vehicle to the supermarket and require help with physical tasks. Which is what a lot of very overweight people do. They aren't physically capable. How not wanting that is silly? And 'not seeing beyond a few pounds'? Big people like that die young. Is it good for a child to have a mother who is likely to die of a heart attack or type 2 diabetes?

 

The woman in question is on medication. She isn't healthy. That alone would turn off a lot of people, certainly many would question her suitability for raising a family. If you have ever seen mental illness in real life you should understand that. I have no idea how you have come to the conclusion that she had her life under control when she is on medication.

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Don't apologise OP. We are all attracted to who we are attracted to. Not every woman's weight goes up and down by the way. Certainly not to UK size 22.

 

Size 22 is morbidly obese. .

First off a UK size 22 is like a US 16-18 thats morbidly obese?

 

I goggled it and came up with an average here that a size 18 women weighs about 130 pounds thats the high estimate I found..I then went into a on line BMI indicator and plugged that in..

 

Underweight = <18.5

Normal weight = 18.5–24.9

Overweight = 25–29.9

Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

 

I put in a hight of 5ft4 I went with a short women even I then plugged in weight of 130 the high estimate and the total BMI was.. 22.3

 

At the end of the day of course all this dosent matter if the op is attracted to small women he is but the women in question is far from morbitly obease.. OP it sounds like you bouth are middle aged or a bit older? its not uncommon for both sexes to gain some weight as we age its not wrong for you to be unattracted to this women but you need to make a quick desion as to weather or not you can give her a honest try and look past that as others have said she could lose the weight but she might not can you love her regardless? thats the real question..

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most_distant_galaxy

I don't think it's a good moment to date each other. Since you are not attracted to her for now (and that's now shallow), help her by being her friend. It's sweet that you want to help her and you care about her.

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You don't need to justify yourself to me it's not your thread. How is a preference for healthy and balanced silly? Or even shallow? 'Seeing beyond a few pounds' is the difference between someone physically able to carry their weekly shopping up the stairs and having the stamina mentally and physically to deal with life rather than taking some mobility vehicle to the supermarket and require help with physical tasks. Which is what a lot of very overweight people do. They aren't physically capable. How not wanting that is silly? And 'not seeing beyond a few pounds'? Big people like that die young. Is it good for a child to have a mother who is likely to die of a heart attack or type 2 diabetes?

 

The woman in question is on medication. She isn't healthy. That alone would turn off a lot of people, certainly many would question her suitability for raising a family. If you have ever seen mental illness in real life you should understand that. I have no idea how you have come to the conclusion that she had her life under control when she is on medication.

 

Again I think you are confusing all over weight people with the extream cases were its gotten so bad for what ever reason that they are no longer even mobile. Thats like judging a smoker who has two cigs a day to some one on a iron lung with one foot in the grave and smokes 3 packs a day still! In reality the two cig a day smoker can still manage daily tasks just fine as alot of over weight people also can..its just the fact that weight might be less visually appealing..I mean if we are going to work on straight up "health concerns" :rolleyes:

 

Far as mental health you might be amazed at who is or has been on anti depressants in todays world I wouldent be surprised if alot of the preasedents themselves havent taken them its not exactly sounding like the girls a dangerous paranoid schizophrenic..

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First off a UK size 22 is like a US 16-18 thats morbidly obese?

 

I goggled it and came up with an average here that a size 18 women weighs about 130 pounds thats the high estimate I found..I then went into a on line BMI indicator and plugged that in..

 

Underweight = <18.5

Normal weight = 18.5–24.9

Overweight = 25–29.9

Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

 

I put in a hight of 5ft4 I went with a short women even I then plugged in weight of 130 the high estimate and the total BMI was.. 22.3

 

At the end of the day of course all this dosent matter if the op is attracted to small women he is but the women in question is far from morbitly obease.. OP it sounds like you bouth are middle aged or a bit older? its not uncommon for both sexes to gain some weight as we age its not wrong for you to be unattracted to this women but you need to make a quick desion as to weather or not you can give her a honest try and look past that as others have said she could lose the weight but she might not can you love her regardless? thats the real question..

 

I googled UK size 22, and got a weight closer to 16 stone... Or around 220 lbs.

 

Have another go with those numbers and the answer isn't so pretty.

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I googled UK size 22, and got a weight closer to 16 stone... Or around 220 lbs.

 

Have another go with those numbers and the answer isn't so pretty.

 

US XXS XS XS S S M M L L XL XL 2XL 2XL US 00 0 2 4 6 8 10 12 14 16 18 20 22 UK 0 2 4 6 8 10 12 14 16 18 20 22 24 EU 28 30 32 34 36 38 40 42 44 46 48 50 52 IT 34 36 38 40 42 44 46 48 50 52 54 56 58

This is what I found far as clothing converter a UK 22 is equivalent to a US 20 if you go by this I was off two sizes as I quoted 18 I think but still even a 20 wouldn't be morbidly obese I wouldn't think..thats when you have 30% or higher body fat..its def higher but still not that high..

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I don't think anyone needs to force themselves to date someone they aren't attracted to. The reason they aren't attracted is irrelevant, be it weight, height, career, whatever - it's unfair to yourself and the other person if you force something that ain't happening.

 

So no, I don't think you should date this girl. Do let her down nicely, though.

 

Also neither of you should even be talking about her going off her antidepressants. That is a decision for her and her doctor to make. Do NOT tell her you will date her if she goes off them. If she genuinely needs it, she will come to serious harm if she just goes off them on her own. Tell her you just aren't feeling it, there's nothing she can do to change that, and walk away.

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How would you feel if she suddenly changed her mind and found someone else who admired her? If you would feel sad, then there is something more there than just the physical. I don't think you should meet her if you think there is a good chance you will hurt her. However, if you like her personality and enjoy her company, there is a good chance you will fall in love with her, regardless of body size.

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Measurements for UK size 22 are at the right of this chart. Huge! The shorter she is the worse she looks.

Thats your opinion and you are entitled to it some might not think a US size 20 is huge..thats theirs..looks are subjective also people carry weight differently just cause some one is a size 20 doesn't mean they look hideous..

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I think you're enamored with what you see as her potential, and the past.

 

If you're not into her how she is, it would be leading her on I think to offer anything more.

 

There's something a little gross about trying to get her to change so that you can have this prize who turns heads. She is what she is. She may change or not. She may have saggy skin and cellulite even if she loses the weight, or she may gain it back as she ages, so if you can't accept this person, she's not for you.

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todreaminblue
I think you're enamored with what you see as her potential, and the past.

 

If you're not into her how she is, it would be leading her on I think to offer anything more.

 

There's something a little gross about trying to get her to change so that you can have this prize who turns heads. She is what she is. She may change or not. She may have saggy skin and cellulite even if she loses the weight, or she may gain it back as she ages, so if you can't accept this person, she's not for you.

 

 

 

I agree lolli, she deserves someone who loves her and is attracted to her regardless of how big her thighs are...how big her tummy is....how much weight she carries on her arms......and i have to hope that she finds that guy to be with.....deb

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livingnightmare

Thank you everyone for leaving your input on this.

 

After giving some deep thought once reading the responses on here I have decided I am going to meet her, but will be gentle with her and tell her that I want her to find her inner happiness first and foremost as I know full well how disastrous it would have been for me if I had got myself into a relationship while I was going through major depression, even though I can only understand it and see why now. I lost stones in weight and turned into a heavy drinker and lost complete control of my life, and looked like a full on heroine addict.

 

I now have my life back even though I'm still growing and have not got all aspects fully covered yet, I am well and truly on the way there and there is nothing, no-one, anything that I will let get in the way of that now like I have done in the past. I have beaten my depression and am at my strongest point mentally I have ever been in my life, and if I say so myself a great body from exercise, could do with a bit of bulking though imo, but I am now truly happy within myself and feel like I do not need anything or anyone (apart from my daughter) to give me happiness. She needs to get to this stage too regardless of her weight her looks etc.

 

She is a human being though and we connected on a mental level so I am not going to be so cold as to just fob her off because of her weight as that would be cruel and heartless and probably make this woman more depressed and doubt herself even more, it would make me feel bad too for that reason. I want to be a positive influence on this woman and an example to show her you can beat depression from changing diet and what we tell ourselves. I am not saying she should jump of her meds, but I think I can guide her towards the time with her doctors help she can come off them, and replace them with good diet and regular exercise, I believe she would get herself healthy again as a product of beating the depression, she was always training in athletics before she went through this so whatever has happened has seriously done some damage to her inner self.

 

To be honest I am not about to just throw myself into a relationship straight away regardless if this was the sexiest bodied woman on earth as from a past experience with a woman with a great body I want to know as much as possible about a person before I get involved in a relationship.

 

I will be there for her as a friend if she wants me to be and will give her my full support in helping her get through her depression, If i was to jump into a relationship with her now it would be wrong on so many levels, she could change how she feels about me if she is in a stronger place, I might not be so appealing then to her. It would be wrong to keep her on the back burner just in case she looses weight, that would be so unfair to do and I would not like the feelings within myself from that also.

 

I hope I can be there for her as a friend and if something down the line was to happen it happens, but right now I think she needs to concentrate on getting herself strong again, being that I know her from school and her qualities In my eyes really make her an amazing person, I want to be there for her as I know so well how a friendly face, words of strength, knowing someone cares about you when down, giving someone belief in themselves with encouragement and positive words can pick the spirit up.

 

We are both in our bang on mid 30's and she is a very capable person, not as incapable as some posters have said, she is constantly on the go from 6 in the morning till 8-9 at night and does lots of journeys etc every day with walking involved, she also still looks very beautiful face wise as she sent me a new picture and is curvy for her size 2bh, her weight is not hanging all over the gaff like what I think has been implied here, but none the less If I can make a friend and help them through a bad patch I dont mind that at all. I feel better in myself if I can help someone in a positive way, maybe we have met just for that one reason alone and nothing else, if so I would be happy that I helped someone believe in themselves again and became a positive influence on them.

 

I feel like I want to know her as a friend, so I'm going to get to know her and be clear on my intentions as long as she is happy with that. She is a human as equal as myself so this could even turn out to be the start of a great friendship, I will see.

 

Once again thank you everyone for your thoughts, advice and opinions it has helped me make my decision.

 

I will keep the thread informed of how it goes when I meet her.

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