Turn off if a man is not fighting for his life?

[Darren2013]

If a man has cancer or had cancer in the past then how much is it a turn off to a woman if he doesn't seem to be putting up a fight for his life? In other words he has mentally given up and just has the attitude that whatever fate decides he will accept. Or perhaps even the belief in fate is unattractive in itself?

 

I have been thinking more about the woman I have a crush on and why she seems to be so concerned about me drinking diet colas. Okay I get that she believes that the aspartame in the diet sodas puts one at greater risk of cancer or feeds a current cancer in the body.

 

But why is that any of her concern what I put into my body? I'm the one who has to live with the consequences not her.

 

Well there's only one reason I can think of. She may be on the fence in her mind about whether she should get involved with me and if so then she is observing me and watching me. She knows about my cancer history and so maybe when she sees me carrying a bottle of diet cola in my hand she may be thinking "Aha a man who is not making every effort to fight for his life against an enemy in his body that wants to kill him. All that aspartame is like handing a loaded gun to his enemy. I'm not sure I can be with him until I see strong evidence that he is committed to fighting his enemy instead of giving his enemy every advantage".

 

In many ways this ties into women wanting a man who stands up for himself. It doesn't matter whether the enemy he stands up to is a human enemy or an illness like cancer. Actually it may be even more of a serious red flag in her eyes if she sees signs that I am not putting in my best efforts to fight an enemy in my body. I do not even have to verbally say that I am giving up the fight and leaving it all in the hands of fate. People can see it in my actions in the way I do or do not take care of myself especially women.

 

Even one of my friends told a mutual friend that he isn't surprised I got cancer since he saw all the acidic food I have been consuming for years and he warned me years ago about acidic food. Even friends get turned off if they see that I am slowly killing myself with diet or what they believe to feed cancer.

[Emilia]

Sure, some guy stuffing his face with c**p diet, drinking, smoking, not having any discipline in his life whatsoever is a massive turn off. I'm sure it's the same the other way round too. It's weak.

[Darren2013]

My crush is a smoker. So really she is pointing out the speck in my eye when she has a log in her own. The chances of her getting lung cancer from smoking are much greater than the aspartame in diet cola having any effect on my cancer risk.

[Lani]

Or she just really doesn't like diet soda...?

[Emilia]

My crush is a smoker. So really she is pointing out the speck in my eye when she has a log in her own. The chances of her getting lung cancer from smoking are much greater than the aspartame in diet cola having any effect on my cancer risk.

Ah then who knows what her problem is.

[Darren2013]

Okay so she doesn't like it. What's the point? It is not like I offered it to her. I am the one drinking it.

[Lani]

Okay so she doesn't like it. What's the point? It is not like I offered it to her. I am the one drinking it.

 

Ask her...

[Andy_K]

Different people have different motivations and aspirations.

 

If someone's motivation in life is largely based on health/fitness/relationships/family, a person who is motivated by career/travel/experiences simply won't necessarily see them as 'driven' or 'ambitious' because they just don't have the same priorities.

 

But.. You have to have SOME motivation. There have to be some things you are passionate about and strive for, then you'll be compatible with someone who feels the same way.

 

On the other hand, if you have no motivations at all, you'll likely be compatible with nobody at all.

[Gloria25]

Depends....

 

If there's no hope for you...then, how is having a smoke or a diet coke gonna change the inevitable?

 

But still, wouldn't you want to do what you can to make "how" you go more comfortable? Do you wanna do things that are gonna make you have to keep on running to the doc towards your last days?

 

I have a "no resuscitate" will/order...along with a living will that instructs people to 'not hook me up to a bunch of machines' - in other words, let me die.

 

Why?

 

Cuz, I don't want to be kept alive if the quality of my life is going to be miserable. I don't want machines to be keeping me alive...That's just creepy.

 

Besides, I don't have kids or a husband and my family can manage without me...So, I have no reason to cling on to every method out there to keep me breathing. Besides, IMO, a lot of those things to "prolong life" don't really give you too many years more and just rack up your medical bills.

 

Do I have a "death wish"? I don't think so? I've been in situations where my life is threatened (accidents, jumping out of planes, being robbed/attacked/shot at) and trust me, when my life was threatened I fought to stay alive. I just don't believe in going through ridiculous means to stay alive on this planet.

 

When my dad started forcing my grandma not to eat this or that and to stop smoking, it was cruel and ridiculous - not only cuz he took her money, then put her on an "allowance" that he dictated how she spend it - but, it's HER life. He had no right to take away her independence then dictate to her how she should live.

 

Then, she already had two strokes and was in her late 70's. How in the world is her changing her diet and/or stop smoking gonna "improve" her life? I mean, after 70, how many years do you want to add to your life and what "quality" of life would you have for those extra years you're alive?

 

Now, my mom is a different case. Her sisters that already died made it to like their mid 70's, so, she has a few more years to get there. So, when she came to live with me years ago....and now that she has returned, I put my foot down on my mom cuz if she doesn't eat right and/or take her pills, it's gonna increase her medical expenses (which fall on me) and she already is pre-diabetes, so, if she gets heavier, there's gonna be complications that come with the weight...

 

So, my point is...it depends on your situation. I mean, if you got time left, why do things you know are gonna make your last days expensive and/or uncomfortable? Why do things to speed up the illness?

 

BTW, I as much as I try to stay in shape, I stay away from diet drinks or stuff with artificial sweeteners. For years, there have been studies about how those things are linked to cancer. I don't even like how things taste with all those artificial sweeteners

[me85]

A "turn off" to not fight for your life?? I think that's a poor choice of words to use in this situation. If I'm with someone who has a life threatening illness and who didn't seem to try their best to overcome it I wouldn't be "turned off" by them in any way. I would feel a great sadness because it would indicate that they just don't have the will to try and don't care if they die. I would be heartbroken for them. Not turned off by them. My love is strong. I would see them through until the end. I mean, that's a special situation where someone is ill and dying. It's completely different than a healthy guy burping and farting while at the dinner table. Now that's a turn off.

[eye of the storm]

Darren, You spend a massive amount of time trying to "read" what she is thinking. Try talking to her. You have no idea if she is yapping about your soda habit because she is interested in you or just because she has read too many articles. And you never will unless you start talking to her.

 

For all you know she may be madly in love with you or think of you as just a nice young man. And you will never know if you don't talk to her.

 

Start by asking her to coffee.

[Art_Critic]

To me.. putting up a fight for your life and dating don't go in the same category, which is probably why she is only your friend..

 

Nobody like to see someone they know not care for their body when in their mind they should being everything to protect it.

There was a woman who I worked with last year that had beat breast cancer twice.. but she smoked like a chimney.. it made me feel sad when I thought about it.

[Darren2013]

Darren, You spend a massive amount of time trying to "read" what she is thinking. Try talking to her. You have no idea if she is yapping about your soda habit because she is interested in you or just because she has read too many articles. And you never will unless you start talking to her.

 

For all you know she may be madly in love with you or think of you as just a nice young man. And you will never know if you don't talk to her.

 

Start by asking her to coffee.

 

 

I didn't say she was madly in love with me. I said that she is on the fence. If a woman is on the fence about me that's not a good sign. It isn't hopeful because usually being on the fence means that my chances with her do not look good. Being on the fence is leading more towards a no than a yes.

 

Now I have done well in improving my outward appearance. I have taken good care of the outside but now the inside of my body needs work as well as my will. I am gradually losing the will to fight for my life.

[Gloria25]

I didn't say she was madly in love with me. I said that she is on the fence. If a woman is on the fence about me that's not a good sign. It isn't hopeful because usually being on the fence means that my chances with her do not look good. Being on the fence is leading more towards a no than a yes.

 

Now I have done well in improving my outward appearance. I have taken good care of the outside but now the inside of my body needs work as well as my will. I am gradually losing the will to fight for my life.

 

Oh pleeeze,

 

Your crush isn't "madly in love" with you....She isn't "on the fence" with you.

 

How do I know this?

 

Because besides banter between two co-workers, you haven't engaged her out of that environment to allow her to see you in a different light. You won't even go out on a coffee with her to take it to another level and/or see what's there - but you're adamant about how you "KNOW" she feels about you.

 

Lemme say this again..."She" has asked you for coffee - you decline and conclude that she is "on the fence" about you, but not once have you ever asked her for coffee. You only got her her favorite ice cream at a workplace function. Um, dude, ever hear of "secret santa"? They do that at the workplace and last time we did one, EVERYONE literally got a gift they felt the person would enjoy. For example, one lady got me hair clips cuz she said I always put my hair in a bun. Is she in love with me? I think not. Was she being considerate of the kind of gift she chose? YES. So, you getting your co-worker her favorite ice cream does not let her know you are interested in her. HER asking you out is her trying to do something with you one-on-one. Now, I walk, chat, and do things with co-workers I am not attracted to...but I DON'T ask them out for coffee. But, you'll never know if her coffee invitation was personal or not cuz you won't accept.

 

I hope you read what I'm posting...and when I say "read" I seriously mean "comprehend" what you are looking at (i.e. "listening" rather than just "hearing" what I'm saying)

 

I just wonder how someone can be "on the fence" about you when they are asking you out for a simple coffee, you decline, and then spend all your time puttering around in your head how she doesn't like you.

 

Geesh...I felt like I ran five miles just by posting this.

Edited October 23, 2014 by Gloria25

[eye of the storm]

good grief

 

I don't even know where to start.

 

Ok, being on the fence is just that. It means they can go either way.

 

You didn't say madly in love, I was using exaggeration as a tool. I meant that her behavior has always been open for interpretation. She may think of you in "that way" or she may just be taking a maternal interest in you.

 

But every time she has done something where you might be able to find out for sure which way she is leaning, YOU slam the door shut because you prefer to not explore the option unless you are sure.

 

You will never find out how she feels unless you finally get out of your own way and accept that in relationships there a point where you have to step out into the unknown.

 

It is scary, exciting, and necessary. Get out there!

[Darren2013]

Oh pleeeze,

 

Your crush isn't "madly in love" with you....She isn't "on the fence" with you.

 

How do I know this?

 

Because besides banter between two co-workers, you haven't engaged her out of that environment to allow her to see you in a different light. You won't even go out on a coffee with her to take it to another level and/or see what's there - but you're adamant about how you "KNOW" she feels about you.

 

Lemme say this again..."She" has asked you for coffee - you decline and conclude that she is "on the fence" about you, but not once have you ever asked her for coffee. You only got her her favorite ice cream at a workplace function. Um, dude, ever hear of "secret santa"? They do that at the workplace and last time we did one, EVERYONE literally got a gift they felt the person would enjoy. For example, one lady got me hair clips cuz she said I always put my hair in a bun. Is she in love with me? I think not. Was she being considerate of the kind of gift she chose? YES. So, you getting your co-worker her favorite ice cream does not let her know you are interested in her. HER asking you out is her trying to do something with you one-on-one. Now, I walk, chat, and do things with co-workers I am not attracted to...but I DON'T ask them out for coffee. But, you'll never know if her coffee invitation was personal or not cuz you won't accept.

 

I hope you read what I'm posting...and when I say "read" I seriously mean "comprehend" what you are looking at (i.e. "listening" rather than just "hearing" what I'm saying)

 

I just wonder how someone can be "on the fence" about you when they are asking you out for a simple coffee, you decline, and then spend all your time puttering around in your head how she doesn't like you.

 

Geesh...I felt like I ran five miles just by posting this.

 

Well my being self conscious and nervous around her should be enough of a clue that I am interested. Women pick up on that quite well.

 

By the way I remember what happened 2 months ago around the time that she started going quiet on me. We were in the employee break room and one of the other colleagues asked me if I would go out with (name of the woman I crush on). So I was put on the spot and I said "I'm not her type. I know the kind of men she goes for". That was my answer to this hypothetical question.

 

So I remember shortly after that is when things started getting awkward and we were not talking at all and then the avoiding games started. She would even treat me differently than the other workers and seem a little pissed in her tone of voice even when I was always civil and professional.

 

So perhaps by saying I'm not her type this gave her the impression that I liked her and she felt disgusted by the fact that I like her.

 

So now she has come around and opened up communication more but I don't know if it is just because she feels sorry for me or what.

[NJ123]

How often are you drinking diet soda? If it's just a few times a week than there's really no harm in that. But if it's every single day, than that could definitely be a problem.

[Darren2013]

How often are you drinking diet soda? If it's just a few times a week than there's really no harm in that. But if it's every single day, than that could definitely be a problem.

 

2 or 3 of the 20 ounce bottles 6 days a week. I drink them on my work breaks at my car 90% of the time. 90% of the time when it is time to take a break I am thinking great I am thirsty gotta run to the soda machine to get a diet cola. The good thing about it is that there's no calories and no sugar. I can either drink the regular soda and increase diabetes risk or drink diet soda and deal with added cancer risk. Pick my poison. I don't want diabetes so I switched to diet drinks on a regular basis 2 years ago.

[eye of the storm]

I have a kid that works under me. He is nervous and self conscious around pretty much everyone. He is esp tongue tied around me. I have never once thought he "liked" me. To me, it is just his personality.

 

No, you being nervous around her may not tell her you like her.

 

Look, if you like her, you are going to have to actually make a move. Talk to her, ask her for coffee. Eat lunch with her.

 

Making cakes and doing all this other stuff is not going to advance you one tiny bit.

[Darren2013]

I have a kid that works under me. He is nervous and self conscious around pretty much everyone. He is esp tongue tied around me. I have never once thought he "liked" me. To me, it is just his personality.

 

No, you being nervous around her may not tell her you like her.

 

Look, if you like her, you are going to have to actually make a move. Talk to her, ask her for coffee. Eat lunch with her.

 

Making cakes and doing all this other stuff is not going to advance you one tiny bit.

 

Yeah but the difference is that I am only self conscious and nervous around her. I am more relaxed around everybody else and I used to be relaxed around her for 12 years when I only saw her as a friend/good work team partner. The self conscious behavior around her is more recent and a result of my feelings progressing.

 

In your situation the young man you are talking about has always been like that with you and everyone else. That's the difference. There haven't been sudden changes in his behavior and he doesn't behave one way around you while behaving a different way to everyone else. That's why the thought did not cross your mind that he liked you.

[NJ123]

2 or 3 of the 20 ounce bottles 6 days a week. I drink them on my work breaks at my car 90% of the time. 90% of the time when it is time to take a break I am thinking great I am thirsty gotta run to the soda machine to get a diet cola. The good thing about it is that there's no calories and no sugar. I can either drink the regular soda and increase diabetes risk or drink diet soda and deal with added cancer risk. Pick my poison. I don't want diabetes so I switched to diet drinks on a regular basis 2 years ago.

 

Well, than yeah I could see that being a problem. That's a ****load of soda to drink every week. Just because it's diet doesn't exactly make it good for you. There's still chemicals in it that aren't good for the body. Why not try to cut your intake in half & have soda 3x a week at most, and the rest of the time sticking with water. I have diet coke 2 or 3 times a week, but usually in the amount of 1 can for each day I do have it.

[eye of the storm]

I can't decide if I want to give you a hug or a smack on the back of the head. Probably both.

 

Look, you two have worked together for a really long time. No moves have been made by either of you.

 

Best guess, she views you as a friendly acquaintance/co-worker.

 

If you want to change that...you have to get out there and take it up a notch. That involves you making a move that shows interest. Being nervous around someone does not do that. Taking better care with your appearance does not do that. Making a cake for the office does not do that. Asking her for coffee or to lunch does that.

 

Dude, I'm routing for you. I know a couple of kids in your boat and they finally realized they needed to get out of their heads and into the real world. Its scary, it hasn't always been fun, sometimes it sucks but they finally realized they will never win the lottery if they don't buy a ticket.

 

One of them is getting married soon. Because he put himself and all his quirks out there and accepted that he was a unique individual that not all women would be compatible with he researched places and activities that had people doing things he was interested in. Turns out he made a friend, and that friend had a sister. She was used to unique individuals and she accepted him as is. But he would never have met her if he had not decided it was time. He planned it like a military campaign and it worked. Not how he planned lol but just by being out there and open, it worked.

 

You can do this. You just have to decide to do it.

[Darren2013]

I can't decide if I want to give you a hug or a smack on the back of the head. Probably both.

 

Look, you two have worked together for a really long time. No moves have been made by either of you.

 

Best guess, she views you as a friendly acquaintance/co-worker.

 

If you want to change that...you have to get out there and take it up a notch. That involves you making a move that shows interest. Being nervous around someone does not do that. Taking better care with your appearance does not do that. Making a cake for the office does not do that. Asking her for coffee or to lunch does that.

 

Dude, I'm routing for you. I know a couple of kids in your boat and they finally realized they needed to get out of their heads and into the real world. Its scary, it hasn't always been fun, sometimes it sucks but they finally realized they will never win the lottery if they don't buy a ticket.

 

One of them is getting married soon. Because he put himself and all his quirks out there and accepted that he was a unique individual that not all women would be compatible with he researched places and activities that had people doing things he was interested in. Turns out he made a friend, and that friend had a sister. She was used to unique individuals and she accepted him as is. But he would never have met her if he had not decided it was time. He planned it like a military campaign and it worked. Not how he planned lol but just by being out there and open, it worked.

 

You can do this. You just have to decide to do it.

 

Well I certainly don't want to get married. The best way to deal with a crush is to pretend that you don't like them.

[eye of the storm]

No, it isn't. But I can tell that you aren't going to do anything else.

 

Good luck.

[Gloria25]

2 or 3 of the 20 ounce bottles 6 days a week. I drink them on my work breaks at my car 90% of the time. 90% of the time when it is time to take a break I am thinking great I am thirsty gotta run to the soda machine to get a diet cola. The good thing about it is that there's no calories and no sugar. I can either drink the regular soda and increase diabetes risk or drink diet soda and deal with added cancer risk. Pick my poison. I don't want diabetes so I switched to diet drinks on a regular basis 2 years ago.

 

You know, it's not just diet soda...I've noticed that a lot of people seem to drink soda as if it was water. I remember starting a new job and the woman training us was overweight and one day I brought subway for lunch and she was commenting on what I brought....

 

So, I started "observing" her too and gosh darn. NEVER saw the woman with bottled water, ice tea, or even freakin' Vitamin C or those flavored waters. She always had a freakin' 16 oz of regular soda. Then, she ate Checkers all the time.

 

And, I've seen others like her. I mean, it's like water is not in their food pyramid of beverages.

 

Soda isn't natural...diet or not, too much of it - especially in the place of water just isn't good for anyone.

 

Go figure....