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He proposed today.

 

He laid out everything, gave me his all, his heart, and I ripped it out, along with my own.

 

Nothing about today, was what I would've wanted. He deserves a girl who will be ecstatic, not one who makes him feel like he's not good enough.

 

I feel like the worlds most horrible person. I cried and cried until I couldn't breathe, and now I'm in bed, feeling hollow as could be. My heart is physically having a hard time right now. Like every beat is more effort than it can withstand.

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Was this the second or third time he proposed to you?

 

Phoe what you did is correct. Deep in your heart you know he's not the right guy.

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He did a totally unplanned, spontaneous asking me to marry him once, but that wasn't a true proposal.

 

This was the real deal. He cut his hair, put gel in it(never seen that before)bought new pants, wore a button down (never seen that before either), took me to the little coffee shop where we first met. There at the exact table where we sat the very first time, he had roses waiting. He pulled out a ring. He emptied his bank account for that ring.

 

But I didn't take it. And that killed him...

 

He put his heart and soul on the line today, trusting in me, and I completely destroyed him. I can't even live with myself right now.

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OK, so this is the second time he proposed to you. Though only this time he put in a lot of effort. Though realistically, the amount of effort is meaningless. If he was the one you would have said yes the first time regardless of the location or preparation.

 

I can't relate to the pain you are going through but I'm sure it's very strong.

 

If you don't mind the question, why did you say no? You don't have to write it here if you don't want to, but I know you have your reasons. Those are what you should focus on right now. Be strong in your convictions.

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Ninjainpajamas

The truth often hurts Phoe and often hard to say or admit but you did the right thing, it would've been easier to lie or just go along with it, maybe even take the easy road and just try to become enamored in the idea or make yourself accept it like a lot of other people would...playing all kinds of head games that people do to convince themselves.

 

Whatever your reasons are, they don't sound out of ill will and he will get over it in time...although it matters a lot what youre thinking and feeling as the relationship has reached a point of no return.

 

You're brave Phoe, I know it feels horrible but if it's how you feel then you have nothing to apologize for...this doesn't mean you are a bad person, you cannot always protect the people you care about and by telling him the truth you are showing that you respect his feelings, not care less about them or you would just be thinking about you...and you've never come across like that type of person.

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There are few things worse than the kind of heartache you are going through right now and I am so sorry that you are so hurt.

 

You truly are a brave person for saying no when you knew in your heart that was the right answer for both of you.

 

A weaker person would have said yes because they would have been afraid of hurting him and that would have only set you both up for a life of unhappiness if you are truly not right for each other.

 

If you don't mind my asking…why did you stay with him after the first time he proposed and you said no? You obviously knew then that he was not the one for you.

 

You don't have to answer that…just think about it.

 

I hope this time you will set him free to find the one he is meant to be with. Once your heart heals a little bit, you will find the one that you are meant to be with too.

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One thing I want to say, and hopefully it should go without saying,

 

Phoe, if you truly care about this man, you have to let him go. Continuing to stay with him would be leading him on, especially with him proposing to you so earnestly.

 

Please don't let him propose to you a third time.

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I'm so sorry you're hurting . Hurting someone you care about is the worst feeling.

 

I know this isn't helpful, but You know you did the right thing if spending your life with him felt wrong.

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I'm so sorry Phoe. That must have been really hard for you.

But I concur with other posters that it's for the best.

 

Big changes ahead. Stay strong girl.

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You aren't a terrible person Phoe. Terrible would have been saying yes with even a shred of doubt in your heart. Forever is nothing to be dealt with frivolously.

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He did a totally unplanned, spontaneous asking me to marry him once, but that wasn't a true proposal.

 

This was the real deal. He cut his hair, put gel in it(never seen that before)bought new pants, wore a button down (never seen that before either), took me to the little coffee shop where we first met. There at the exact table where we sat the very first time, he had roses waiting. He pulled out a ring. He emptied his bank account for that ring.

 

But I didn't take it. And that killed him...

 

He put his heart and soul on the line today, trusting in me, and I completely destroyed him. I can't even live with myself right now.

 

Why didn't you accept?

 

Without knowing your reasons it's hard to say much.

 

But if you don't feel like he is the right man and don't want to marry him, then you did the right thing (although it doesn't feel good to disappoint or hurt someone you care about).

 

I broke it off with my ex almost a month ago, fortunately it ended up being amicable, but it was very difficult because he wasn't a bad guy, he's a GREAT guy in fact: loyal, loving, affectionate, very sweet, treated me well...but we were just not a good match, I wasn't happy, I wasn't satisfied, I needed more intellectually, sexually, we had very different fundamental ideas about the world and money which caused lots of friction, esp for me, while he seemed blissfully ignorant of it and when I imagined spending my life with him I wanted to run far away. I KNEW he wasn't the one for me if I felt that way. We also never exchanged I love yous and that was the biggest clue for me, as we spent almost everyday together for 6 months but I never felt like I was falling in love. In the first few weeks there was the new relationship high but instead of it increasing or deepening, it just sort of stopped and I saw him as a good guy and friend but not the man I wanted to marry. Long story short, it was difficult for me to decide to break up with him as he liked me way more, he didn't do anything wrong and I didn't want to hurt him, but it was the right thing for both of us.

 

So if in your heart of hearts you don't feel he's the one you want to be with forever, don't beat yourself up too much over it.

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OP, my sympathies. That said, I admire your courage. If only my exW would have had your courage.

 

I understand you feel horrible. It'll get better. My bet is, one day, you'll both look back and see this as a pivotal moment. I've read a number of your stories and firmly believe it is such a moment, for you.

 

Best wishes!

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Phoe - don't ever apologize for having your brain in the right place and your feet on the ground.

 

So you said no. He hasn't exactly been *thinking of the right phrase but not quite getting there* all that thoughtful, attentive etc etc towards you. In fact sometimes he has been down right disrespectful and rude just because "he can". He needs to sort that out before anything else.

 

Sweetie you have done the right thing. You may feel bad because he has gone all extravagant but actually there is no need. His actions are his own not yours. You are only ever responsible for your actions which are those of a sane and rational woman.

 

A divorce in a few years would be far more painful than having the courage to say no now.

 

Stay strong.

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**** Phoe, this really sucks. I don't really know what to say besides you definitely not being a horrible person for turning down a proposal. Quite the opposite...

 

 

Take care of yourself.

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Awkward Grace

I'm new here and haven't read everything about you but wanted to chime in and say that I understand your heartache.

 

Sometimes it hurts just as badly doing the right thing. It doesn't make you a horrible person but a person who loved yourself AND him enough to say no.

Go easier on yourself.

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He proposed today.

 

Congratulations!

 

He laid out everything, gave me his all, his heart, and I ripped it out, along with my own.

 

Oh. I see. Well, sorry that isn't what you wanted. Are you still with him or have you split up now?

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I just want to ask, since you know he is not the one for you to marry, why do you stay in a relationship with him?

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It happens, it's not just you and him.

 

It happened to my buddy... he really liked this girl and she made the mature choice, ironically she was 7 or 8 years younger. Marriage when done right is the real deal. There may always be doubts on both parties but you have to have enough to hold on to. Banging away and playing house don't make a family.

 

And my buddy found someone else... married now for 6 - 7 years with two little ones.

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Don't feel bad about being true to you. It's suppose to be a happy occasion and one filled with certainty.

 

If you have doubts it's best that you say so now rather than pretending.

 

He's not good enough. You're smart to know it. It seems like you're more concerned about his feelings than your own but he seems a little bit dumb if he went out and bought roses and a ring when he already knew that you don't want to marry him.

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Why don't you give her some slack on the breaking up thing. She never mentioned if she did or not (but from being upset I can imagine she has). Even if she didn't, going from proposal to turning down proposal to immediately breaking up the same night is like going form 0 to 10000km in under a second.

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Why don't you give her some slack on the breaking up thing. She never mentioned if she did or not (but from being upset I can imagine she has). Even if she didn't, going from proposal to turning down proposal to immediately breaking up the same night is like going form 0 to 10000km in under a second.

 

 

I don't see where people are giving her a hard time about this...

 

She knows he isn't the one for her. He proposed twice already and she said no.

Do you suggest she stays with him a few more weeks/months and give him false hope?

Maybe wait until he proposes a third time?

 

If that was me, I would rather get dumped right away.

I'd be already hurting anyways.

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I don't see where people are giving her a hard time about this...

 

She knows he isn't the one for her. He proposed twice already and she said no.

Do you suggest she stays with him a few more weeks/months and give him false hope?

Maybe wait until he proposes a third time?

 

If that was me, I would rather get dumped right away.

I'd be already hurting anyways.

 

No, now you are putting words in my mouth.

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No, now you are putting words in my mouth.

 

Am I?

(ten characters)

 

Why don't you give her some slack on the breaking up thing.

 

And for the rest, well I am not putting words in your mouth I am asking you questions..

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Why don't you give her some slack on the breaking up thing. She never mentioned if she did or not (but from being upset I can imagine she has). Even if she didn't, going from proposal to turning down proposal to immediately breaking up the same night is like going form 0 to 10000km in under a second.

 

Well, they clearly want different things. I thought it was a fair question to ask.

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