How to tell him he is lazy? Do I end it?

[beandel]

I have a wonderful boyfriend, we are actually in an LDR but I figured this issue is more general in nature.

 

I have no real problems outside of the distance and the small insecurities and worries that come with it. We have been pretty good so far, affectionate and we make each other laugh and are pretty happy with one another.

 

The thing is I have started to consider him in a more serious light and I know he has with me as well. We talk about our future and where we want things to go and how we would bridge the gap between us.

 

In thinking about this we would obviously touch on careers, finances and goals. Now I would describe me so far as a progressive person, I am continually seeking development and opportunities and so on. In that sense I would describe myself as being independent. I was never someone to look at my partner's finances or personal assets as a factor in whether or not I should be with him. My b/f is not very affluent but he is comfortable. He has a stable job but we both fear there is not much room for growth.

 

Here is my problem. I would never leave him if he cannot find another job or he is unemployed or anything like that, however, I seem to be having a hard time grasping his ambitions.

 

I would like (as I think everyone would) to have a comfortable future, affluent enough to do the things I want. (We have spoken about travelling, and kids etc). He seems to want the same things but I do not see his ambition there.

 

He dropped out of college because he doesn't like school. If you talk and spend time with him you would realize he is extremely intelligent and would excel in an academic environment , he just doesn't like it. I think other people saw that which is why he still managed to land a comfortable job.

 

But his job takes care of him and he has no expenses. What happens if I move to be with him? It may take me a while to get a job. His salary can indeed work for us both but I still am worried about our future.

 

I ask him what are his plans for his career and he responded saying he hopes he has the same job. He is not bothered about moving up or earning more. He went for one interview to move up and didn't get it because of his attitude. I fear that thats going to be the case if he doesn't get his ambitions up. The rejection from this job has made him not want to try again and it bothers me.

 

I see so much potential in him and in us. He has stated being dissatisfied with his job, yet does nothing to improve it.

Apart from work, I sometimes get traces of this "laziness" with regular things. When we are together on visits, he takes forever to do chores and is quite content sometimes with just laying around. In the beginning I didn't mind as cuddling is a priority in the beginning of the relationship but now it bothers me a little that he so comfortable not doing anything.

 

He says he wants to do things but still sometimes doesn't do it unless someone else picks. He never likes to pick or make decisions unless its absolutely necessary and we have made solutions to that because I would've gone crazy.

 

I guess my issue is knowing what to do. I know we can do well but I would need more from him I think. I do not know if the laziness will get worse over time and I do not want to move to a whole other country thousands of miles to be with someone who doesn't want more from life.

 

I am not superficial I would like to think because I do not want him to do these things for me as I can do my own thing, but for a proper future I do not think we can have what we want or be without issue if his laziness continues.

 

We are relatively new together, though serious.

 

What do I do? Do I bring this up or wait a while?

 

When I try to encourage him to do things - in the most sensitive of ways as I know people do not like to be told something is wrong or to do more- he still reacts negatively or lazily.

 

What do i do???

[preraph]

I don't think you're at all a good match. He is perfectly happy living his minimal lifestyle and you're not and it won't be enough to sustain a family.

 

A friend of mine married a guy somewhat like yours only even less motivated. He was nearing 30 and perfectly happy being a minimum wage fry cook. He was intellectual. I really liked the guy. But he was a slacker and success was against his principles. It bled into all areas of their life. He wouldn't help with the housework. She worked more than him, made a little more money than him, but not at a career, just a retail job. So there wasn't even as much difference between those two as between you too, but it was too much for her.

 

It came down to the details. When they paid the taxes, he wouldn't go in half with her because she made more than him. Uh, yeah. They lived 20 miles from town where they worked. Of course, they had to have a car. It was countryside out there. Just to get to a highway, you needed a car. A relative provided a clunker and he wouldn't pay half the insurance on it because "I'm not the one who wanted a car." Yet, she would have to drive him 20 miles back and forth to work every day in the car. His logic is he didn't want to spend money so he didn't have to make money, but meanwhile, she was paying for most everything and doing all the housework while he laid around reading.

 

No one hated this guy. But he was never going to be someone to work together with to raise a family and make a nice life. She had no choice but to leave him if she wanted a family. yes they went to marital counseling.

 

Being LDR, you aren't even getting all the irritants you will get if you ever move in together. You can't change him. The scary thing is he is at his best behavior this very moment while he is courting you. It will never get better than this. What you are seeing is the tip of the black iceburg. Because right now, he's trying to show you how great he is. This is how he is. You can love him, but you can't live with him. I have come to accept that there are many men you can love but not live with because it simply has more disadvantages than advantages. It would be like taking care of a teenage boy. He'd get care and sex and you'd get someone who only irritated you and held you back. I'm sorry.

[Gloria25]

Ok, I'm sorry, but I beg to differ...

 

I consider myself a smart chick...Some people have told me I'm a "Type A" personality and I beg to differ, I'm a "Type B" and I understand with the OP's bf is coming from. A lot of smart people get bored with college and other stuff - I think even Bill Gates didn't go to college - yet, look at where he is.

 

I mean, I got my Masters and do pretty well, but I don't see why I want to burden myself with the "rat race". As long as I'm comfortable, the bills are getting paid, and I can save some money, I'm content...And, I don't consider myself "lazy". I also used to compete a lot when I was in the military and graduated top 10 in my high school, but I hated standing up in the ceremony to get the award...I didn't want the award, I just enjoy pushing myself sometimes.

 

Now, if I was into a guy who saw his future as continuing to flip burgers at Burger King for his life, then yeah, that would be a problem. Cuz, if you're gonna take on a wife and kids, you gotta be able to provide for them.

 

Dating is to figure out if you're a match. If you want a husband to make enough to buy you a house in a neighborhood where the houses start at $250K, then you have the right to go find that guy.

 

But, to call a guy like your bf, "lazy", I think is wrong.

Edited October 17, 2014 by Gloria25

[d0nnivain]

You don't bring it up. You simply acknowledge that you two are incompatible. You have different values & life goals.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

in your best butthead voice... Uuuugh huuugh uuuuugh... Dude, you're uuuuugh huuugh uuugh huuuugh... One seriously lazy dude. Huuuuugh uuuugh huuuugh haaahaaaahaaaahaaaaa!!

[Discjockey80]

Ok, I'm sorry, but I beg to differ...

 

I consider myself a smart chick...Some people have told me I'm a "Type A" personality and I beg to differ, I'm a "Type B" and I understand with the OP's bf is coming from. A lot of smart people get bored with college and other stuff - I think even Bill Gates didn't go to college - yet, look at where he is.

 

I mean, I got my Masters and do pretty well, but I don't see why I want to burden myself with the "rat race". As long as I'm comfortable, the bills are getting paid, and I can save some money, I'm content...And, I don't consider myself "lazy". I also used to compete a lot when I was in the military and graduated top 10 in my high school, but I hated standing up in the ceremony to get the award...I didn't want the award, I just enjoy pushing myself sometimes.

 

Now, if I was into a guy who saw his future as continuing to flip burgers at Burger King for his life, then yeah, that would be a problem. Cuz, if you're gonna take on a wife and kids, you gotta be able to provide for them.

 

Dating is to figure out if you're a match. If you want a husband to make enough to buy you a house in a neighborhood where the houses start at $250K, then you have the right to go find that guy.

 

But, to call a guy like your bf, "lazy", I think is wrong.

 

 

This right here....I'm with Gloria. Its always important for me to provide and I'd even love a lot of discretionary income but I am also not one for the rat race. Society sets up a lot of traps that can include going to school. Getting a masters or Phd doesn't guarantee that you'll end up enjoying it. Some of the most successful people in the world were pegged as failures early on.

 

 

Nevertheless as others have stated OP...if you want to secure a certain lifestyle...most certainly you have a right to pursue it. Nothing wrong with that. Just be careful not to let the pursuit of a lifestyle get in the way of passion and happiness. But if happiness is completed by a lifestyle...I would think it shouldn't matter. One tends to beget another when someone considers those items of vital importance.

[Keenly]

This guy doesn't sound lazy, must content.

 

 

May I ask why , as the person who wants an affluent lifestyle, you are placing that desire on your significant other to provide for you?

 

 

It seems you would rather him follow your desires for him to move up rather than be happy, because right now he sounds happy.

 

 

Is your desire to have more money more important to you than his happiness in his career? If use, you need to let him go.

[beandel]

Thank you for those comments everyone.

 

Gloria, when I refer to him as lazy, it is with utmost care that I have chosen those words.

 

To be more explicit he himself has also admitted to being lazy. He says it all the time. I laugh it off as I do not have so much of a problem with general laziness as I think everyone experiences it from time to time and theres nothing very wrong with that.

 

Please note, I would not come to a forum if I didn't carefully think about it.

 

Now in my post I said that I do not mind if he is not affluent or even if he didn't go to school. I get that he doesn't like it. My problem is he doesn't want to do anything else. He has mentioned liking electrical work and taking up a trade. That is something I would support him wholeheartedly in doing. In fact, anything he chooses i would support. It just that he should be doing something in general! He keeps talking about winning the lottery as a way to move up rather than actually working to get there.

 

Don't get me wrong. I am about to pursue my masters and I do not ever see him getting there. To date, that has NEVER been my problem or else I would not have been with him in the first place. He could earn less than me and contribute less than me for the rest of our lives and I wouldn't mind.

 

My issue is that he doesn't seem to have a plan at ALL. Doesn't talk about moving up, doesn't talk about doing something else. If he could work the job he is currently at for the rest of his life he would. Now that wouldn't be a problem, save for the fact that he hates it and is only doing it for the money.

 

His motivation to find better for himself just isn't there. Thats why i'm likening it to laziness. He says he wants things but does nothing.

 

In addition, I mentioned that he was lazy in general. Chores never get done, he never asserts himself, things lay around until they have to be picked up. He wouldn't mind sitting and playing video games all day or laying around all day for days!

 

Until I suggest something or we are together he would mobilize. I suppose people make people better and I am a busy person by nature so I get that I may make him pull up and he may make me slow down which compliments one another but I still cannot help but wonder if that will trickle in to other issues in the future.

 

I do not need him to buy me a house or anything like that. As i said I am not superficial and I am quite independent. I am not needing him to provide me a life- I can do that on my own (only time that may be necessary is when I move to be with him in the beginning and I can't find a job or so) and even so I would still have savings.

 

My point is I'm worried that this problem may stem into our future. I suppose the advice I was looking for was to determine if to approach it with him or not and what do to if anything at all.

 

I thank the first poster, but I am not ready to give him up. I agree with a lot of the other posters in here and do not want to give up or ruin happiness in pursuit of "the perfect life". I do not mind a reasonable life where my husband and I love each other, support each other and are striving for things together. Doing nothing however, is not resisting the system, its not doing anything at all.

 

I wouldn't mind if he wanted to find his own way to make it or even just did his own thing without regard for money. Heck he could decide he wanted to spend his whole life doing volunteer work only with no income. I would gladly provide for us both.

 

My worry is him not doing ANYTHING, him not wanting to anything. Regardless of what it is. Just general not wanting. What he does want, he doesn't go for it and he ADMITS to being lazy.

 

I want to know if there is anything I can do to help this or if to bring it up. Just general advice I suppose.

[Gloria25]

 

I want to know if there is anything I can do to help this or if to bring it up. Just general advice I suppose.

 

I don't think so. People are who they are. Dating isn't to "mold" the person into what we want them to be. And, not everyone is gonna be 100% what you want. So, you gotta figure out what's a deal breaker for you.

[beandel]

I think I am being misunderstood here. As I have clearly stated in my original post, my issue is his ambitions.

 

I do not need him to do anything for me and quite frankly, it is unlikely that he would ever be able to. I care for him a lot and thats what matters most.

 

In the post I mentioned that his laziness is not just with his career but in general. He doesn't do much and is content to just be there unless something is suggested.

 

The reason i mentioned the career is because I am in an LDR and the prospect of me moving is real now. Being with someone long distance as compared to all the time is different and I do not know if to express my fears or just leave it alone.

 

Hence me coming to a forum

[Gloria25]

I think I am being misunderstood here. As I have clearly stated in my original post, my issue is his ambitions.

 

I do not need him to do anything for me and quite frankly, it is unlikely that he would ever be able to. I care for him a lot and thats what matters most.

 

In the post I mentioned that his laziness is not just with his career but in general. He doesn't do much and is content to just be there unless something is suggested.

 

The reason i mentioned the career is because I am in an LDR and the prospect of me moving is real now. Being with someone long distance as compared to all the time is different and I do not know if to express my fears or just leave it alone.

 

Hence me coming to a forum

 

AND, I have been clear in my response - which is. If he likes lounging around playing video games and doesn't have the same ambition you have, why do you feel you shouldn't "give up" on him? He is who he is...accept it or find a guy who shares the same level of cleanliness and/or ambitions you have.

 

You don't need to move closer to him, cuz as you see, on your visits he has shown you what he's all about (hence, why I don't believe in shack-ups to see what it would be like to marry someone - cuz, when you visit them, that's enough to gauge how it would be like to live with them).

 

Look, if you want to be "the Man" of the house, and he be Mr. Mom, then that's fine - that's what you're gonna have, cuz obviously you are not in the same place as he is.

 

BTW, why can't he move to where you are? IMO, you are the one pushing all of this and he isn't there - and, it might blow up in your face.

 

Now, some men mature slower than we women - but still, go find a guy who is mature. This guy is content with his "goals" (or lack there of) and you coming to move in with him and be his maid while you try to "mold" him doesn't sound like a plan to me.

[SycamoreCircle]

Ok, I'm sorry, but I beg to differ...

 

I consider myself a smart chick...Some people have told me I'm a "Type A" personality and I beg to differ, I'm a "Type B" and I understand with the OP's bf is coming from. A lot of smart people get bored with college and other stuff - I think even Bill Gates didn't go to college - yet, look at where he is.

 

I mean, I got my Masters and do pretty well, but I don't see why I want to burden myself with the "rat race". As long as I'm comfortable, the bills are getting paid, and I can save some money, I'm content...

 

Dating is to figure out if you're a match. If you want a husband to make enough to buy you a house in a neighborhood where the houses start at $250K, then you have the right to go find that guy.

 

But, to call a guy like your bf, "lazy", I think is wrong.

 

I really appreciate this. I think I fall into the "lazy" category. There is a mindset, particularly strong in the U.S., that a person needs to keep "growing", keep bettering themselves, keep acquiring and setting new goals. Baloney. Here's a new goal: decrease, see past the imaginary social/career ladder, give up wanting more money, don't buy a bigger house, don't learn more(you think too much anyway). What do you need to have a nice life? To live and be in the present. To be thankful for what you have. You're going to grow regardless.

 

Your guy isn't good enough, huh? He isn't growing? Well, find a guy who is growing. But be careful because there's always something out there bigger and better than you...

[beandel]

Thank you Gloria - I understand your point.

 

The move isn't to shack up to see how he is, its literally a move for permanency as in its leading to marriage. The visits also were not because we wanted to see what its like but because we are in a LDR and miss each other and try to visit often.

 

With regards to him moving - we have discussed this as well. It really isn't me pushing all of this especially since he brought up our future plans conversation up the last couple times. I would have mentioned in the original post that we are both serious in terms of wanting to move up in our relationship - as in taking it to the next step and I suppose the idea of that is making me question other things.

 

The thing is the title of my post is asking exactly that. You asked why do I feel like I shouldn't give up on him. The thing is I do care for him and I mentioned that I think we have done great so far and will continue to do so.

 

My worry was the "laziness" and I was asking in essence if it makes sense or if I should indeed give up.

 

Thats the whole point of me posting. To find out if I should say something or not or just let it be. It seems a lot of people either say to let it go (but more geared to me wanting him to do something for me or make my life better financially when thats not my goal) or deal with it.

 

So i am going to say thats what I needed, opinions. I think for now its a matter of me assessing further what it is really is my problem and if its something I can live with.

 

I cannot express how much I am not needing him to do something for me more so being worried that a potential lazy trait could cause problems in the relationship, similar to what the first responder said about her friend's experience with her "lazy" husband.

 

I do NOT want to be the man of the house and him mr. mom and i do not believe in gender roles. Thats probably why I have a problem with him not pulling his weight and so on.

 

I needed to know if there was anything I could do. The concensus seems to be no and leave it or deal with it, which is advice in itself. I.e. what I was looking for.

 

I guess I have some thinking and self-reflecting to do.

 

As to the last person's post. Thats great that you have found that level of clarity and peace in your life and non-conformity. I too do not like conforming but I do like doing something. I am a dancer and an artist. I spend my time creating and writing as well as a regular job to sustain me so I do understand and enjoy letting go and letting be but that doesn't mean I do not want other's to find something they love and enjoy too.

 

As i said he could choose whatever he wants and i'd support. I think now I just have to understand that choosing to do nothing is also a choice and its up to me to decide if i'm comfy with that or not.

 

Thanks everyone!

[whichwayisup]

Lazy isn't the right word. Ambition is what you probably meant. He has no desire or fire in his belly to strive for a 'career', he's content doing the same job, day in and day out, it's comfortable and safe. He'll earn his money, then go home. He has a "job" not a career that he is passionate about. He's happy, though it seems you're not.

 

If you find him lazy and are worried that one day having kids etc, he won't be earning enough or become more ambitious as he gets older, then walk away now. This may be who he is. A guy who works hard but doesn't care to climb up the chain of command job wise.

 

What type of person is he, excluding the job? is he kind hearted? giving? Go out of his way to help others? Does he treat you well, adore and respect you?

 

You decide what's more important and go from there.

[preraph]

Unless you have firm goals in place for having kids soon, there's no reason you can't enjoy the relationship for as long as it's enjoyable and walk away. Love just doesn't always mean forever or being able to live together and comingle assets is what I've found, realistically, but then I didn't have a goal of having kids, for which you do have time restrictions and need for a plan.

[beandel]

@which way is up - he is kind hearted in his own way - i look at how he treats his family and found things i like. He had a relatively broken home and his mother suffers from a mental illness- his family was relatively poor growing up and he had quite a number of siblings.

 

He visits his mother every week and his grandparents on both sides- in meeting his family you can see they cherish for being the sweet one who gives the least problems.

 

Other than that he is a huge goofball, makes jokes and is one of those passively sarcastic people. He has done a lot for me - played the gentleman role on dates and so on.

 

His personality is very laid back- doesn't have to many deep conversations and usually responds with i don't know or would prefer to not have to think about those things- however if prompted you can get some real quality discussions and so on. Which is why in my first post i commented on his intelligence in general.

 

He treats me well - only issue i've had was his communication sometimes. I made a post about that a while back but i've figured out how to deal with that.

 

I know walking away is an option hence the reason i came on here to see if it was just my perspective or if there is something to be worried about and if in turn there is anything i can do.

 

I suppose in a marriage situation he would straighten out. To be honest when he has to he does do his chores as long as its an understood thing.

I think it really is a case where i may have to wait some more to really see if thats the situation and over time i may be able to get some more clarity as to what can and cannot happen.

 

@preraph - your suggestion is basically what i have just come up with in that i would want to figure out if i can really deal with it and also to feel things out. I do see a future with him and i care for him a lot and i know he feels the same which is why i took the forums.

 

I think i need to think more about it. Maybe not say anything for now and then wait to see how i feel later on.

 

I don't know. I'll still welcome other contributions

 

Thanks everyone again for your time etc.

[Keenly]

 

I suppose in a marriage situation he would straighten out.

 

 

What do you mean by this?

[joystickd]

Lol! People want what they want accept it and move on.

[MidwestUSA]

"I suppose in a marriage situation he would straighten out."

 

 

 

 

Don't count on this. He's showing you who he is right now. If you're talking kids, and the means to support them, you'll need to give this a lot of thought. You could end up being the main breadwinner, and still come home having to do all the chores and child care yourself. Then there's the whole home purchase and maintenance thing.

 

I would take a 'wait and see' approach, if you can stand it. This I why I highly advocate living together before marriage, but I guess in your case, that's not an option.

 

I just think ambition is one of the things two people should have in common, as well as agreeing on financial matters, how to raise your children, and religion (if it applies).

 

Best of luck to you!

[PaperCrane]

Sounds like a simple clash of frameworks. It's okay to have an idea of who you want the other person to be.

 

The question is; if he is happy, why change that? Laziness doesn't come from a lack of wanting to do something different. Some people are just happy and content with a quieter life.

 

If you can be happy with his situation, because it for sure sounds like he is, then no biggie. If you can't be, then you may need someone who wants to be in a more competitive mode when it comes to careers.

[most_distant_galaxy]

I understand your worries. You are worried that he may be a man-child, right? But as you said the romance is relatively new. Maybe you should spend more time getting to know each other, try to figure out if he is indeed lazy or just loves predictable environments and work. There are many people who find joy in simple things, like working 9-5, and then having a clear head when they go home, so they can relax. There are also people who are easily stressed and can't handle competitive environments and having "ambitions". The above people are not losers, they just prefer this kind of life. Of course there are also people who dislike working in general, and conceal the fact until they have found a woman (or a man) to support them and pay for everything. So, the best you can do is to have open eyes and an open mind.

[StanMusial]

OP - he's lazy. No matter how much it's "churched up". You should ditch him or he'll just be a millstone around your neck.

[Mr Scorpio]

My X and I had the same dynamic. She worked her *** off and made countless sacrifices to get where she was in life. I drifted through life like a drunk tubing down a river. Eventually, after we moved in together, she saw me for what I was/am.

 

She dumped me after a six month trial period and I must say, it was one of the best decisions she ever made. It wouldn't have worked. No way.

Edited October 19, 2014 by Mr Scorpio

[Toodaloo]

In addition, I mentioned that he was lazy in general. Chores never get done, he never asserts himself, things lay around until they have to be picked up. He wouldn't mind sitting and playing video games all day or laying around all day for days!

 

Having come out of a relationship with a lazy man at the begining of the year all I will say is that they become very good in getting you to think that you are some sort of unhinged weirdo freak simply because you are stressed that the washing up is now covering the floor as well as the sides in the kitchen...

 

I was exhausted and he was still lazy... apparently it was my fault for being stressy about the mess. Not only was I seriously ill but I was becoming more and more isolated as I refused to have people round (far too embarrassed) as I could not keep on top of all the mess. I kid you not, looking after 5 teenagers was easier than looking after him. That is what it ended up being, me looking after him because he was too damned lazy to look after himself.

 

Its not going to change.

 

He will say he will "try harder", he says he will "help out" but they don't and its soul destroying. You end up having a very one sided relationship, if you can call it that. He near as darn it destroyed me. After the initial shock when he left it didn't take long to realise the milestone had been lifted from round my neck and I was free again. I could invite people over for supper and not have to cry because you couldn't get through the junk on the floor by the back door. I could decide which film I wanted to watch and take it from its case and not have to root around to find it. I had more time, more space, the house didn't smell any more... My health improved and my self esteem improved. NEVER EVER AGAIN.

 

There is a big difference between being content and being lazy...

 

Say good bye fast. Run and do not look back!

[M30USA]

Sounds like the classic pattern of women being attracted to men who are "laid back" and then having problems with them being "laid back" financially and professionally. It's an unfortunate double sided coin. At least he has a job and makes what sounds like an average salary. Some women have to deal with men that literally will not work at all.