Trust & Forgiveness

[Hollywood-Tourist]

Are they the same thing?

 

Only I ask because my fiance left me confused when she said she could forgive the physical struggle we had in our fight but couldn't forgive me for lashing out even in self defence.

 

 

I'm boggled as to what's going on here, is it really down to the same thing or are they completely different things?

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/492093-i-hit-my-fiance-self-defence-how-can-i-get-her-back

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Trust and forgiveness... they are not the same, but I have had my share of such for myself.

 

You cannot have forgiveness without trust, yet all the trust in the world will not forgive. If anything trusting the other to accept and understand will allow for forgiveness.

 

So when someone tells you something that they need to be forgiven for, they must trust deeply to allow complete understanding and accept what they say from their heart.

 

In some ways it is so hard to forgive if the other, that you have great trust in, cannot see the issue as a whole. Too many get overwhelmed by the sudden shock of finding out what was kept from them, as they had so much trust built.

 

Going against the hurt of seeing trust go to the wayside, makes understanding difficult or impossible. The only way to get forgiveness is to have the other care so much that they listen and do their best to understand why such trust was broken. Until they can gather the facts and their pain, to make sense of the issue, no forgiveness can be made.

Edited October 1, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[amaysngrace]

Who cares what she says?

 

You simply cannot figure out the meaning behind the words spoken by someone who plays mind games the way that she does. You just can't.

 

So stop trying to.

[d0nnivain]

Are they the same thing?

 

Only I ask because my fiance left me confused when she said she could forgive the physical struggle we had in our fight but couldn't forgive me for lashing out even in self defence.

 

No trust & forgiveness are not the same thing.

 

Who cares what your demented EX can & can't forgive? You are the wronged party here. She attacked you! The idea that she even thinks that forgiving you for defending yourself is a valid position tells me you need to run far & fast away from this violent psycho.

 

You should not trust anything she says but you probably should forgive her or your hate may poison you.

[kjohn]

To answer your question, no trust and forgiveness are not the same thing.

 

You forgive somebody for your own well-being, not for theirs. You do not automatically have to trust somebody again if you forgive them.

 

Forgiveness is something you do for you.

 

Trust is something that has to be earned by the other person.

 

I like Dr. Phil's advice, which has helped me with the trust issues I myself have struggled with…..if you are finding it hard to trust somebody that you decide to stay with just remember that it is not about trusting the other person. It's about trusting yourself enough to know that you will walk away immediately if they betray you again.

 

In any event, based on your original thread….she is not the one that needs to do the forgiving. She should be begging you for forgiveness. She started this. Has she even apologized? Has she taken any responsibility for what she has done?

 

It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she is trying to turn the tables and deflect all of the blame onto you. That is pure manipulation.

 

Maya Angelou said "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time."

[Hollywood-Tourist]

You simply cannot figure out the meaning behind the words spoken by someone who plays mind games the way that she does. You just can't.

 

I suppose that's all part of the 'act' for people like her. Mind games are like second nature to her & it's just part of who she is.

 

She's like a chameleon - changes her colour of in her case tune all the time.

 

Who cares what your demented EX can & can't forgive?

 

You are the wronged party here. She attacked you!

 

I know I shouldn't care what she thinks but part of me feels guilty because that's how she's trying to make me feel.

 

You're right, I should be the one asking for forgiveness but I've never had the chance to ask her why she attacked me because she didn't give me that time, instead asking me why I went for her - double standards!

 

The idea that she even thinks that forgiving you for defending yourself is a valid position tells me you need to run far & fast away from this violent psycho.

 

You should not trust anything she says but you probably should forgive her or your hate may poison you.

 

Exactly, the idea that she thinks I have to justify myself for defending myself from her violence in just ludicrous. Did she just expect me to lie there and take a beating?

 

 

I have forgiven her a long time ago (immediately after the attack) because I now relaise she may be BPD or NPD which are mental illnesses relating to behavioural attiques.

 

 

In any event, based on your original thread….she is not the one that needs to do the forgiving. She should be begging you for forgiveness. She started this. Has she even apologized? Has she taken any responsibility for what she has done?

 

It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like she is trying to turn the tables and deflect all of the blame onto you. That is pure manipulation.

 

You're right. Do oyu think this is part of her vindictive nature to turn the blame onto me & make me feel like the perpetrator?

 

To answer your points: No she has not apologised for any part of the attack, she hasn't taken any responsibility whatsoever nor has she shown any remorse......she's basically walking round feeling like she's the victim!

[kjohn]

Do you think this is part of her vindictive nature to turn the blame onto me & make me feel like the perpetrator?

 

Yes!

 

And if you stay in this relationship you will have to be prepared for the fact that this will likely happen over and over and over and over again!

 

You don't need any explanation from her. Why she attacked you doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters is that she attacked you and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

 

Forgive her for attacking you.

 

Forgive her for manipulating you and trying to make it seem as though it was all your fault.

 

Forgive her for the mental anguish she has put you through.

 

Free yourself of all of the negativity that goes along with this situation. Walk away and let the healing begin.

 

If she realizes she has lost you, she may panic and start apologizing and begging for forgiveness out of desperation. She may say "I'm sorry" and "I take all the blame" because when somebody panics the say whatever is necessary to try to save the situation.

 

She won't mean any of it.

 

You'll believe what she says and stay in the relationship….until the next time this pattern happens all over again.

 

I know you love who you thought she was, but she is proving to you that is not the person she truly is.

 

Hugs to you. I hope you find the strength to end this relationship and go after one that you deserve.

[Hollywood-Tourist]

You don't need any explanation from her. Why she attacked you doesn't really matter. The only thing that matters is that she attacked you and you don't deserve to be treated that way.

 

 

I know you love who you thought she was, but she is proving to you that is not the person she truly is.

 

 

I suppose if I'm not going back to her then yes I don't need to know why she attacked me, the damage has been done.

 

 

She has shown her true colours with her attacking me and this is something I never ever expected to come out of her especially to someone she claims to love the most.

 

 

I suspect she could be a Narcissist and she definitely has some sort of mental disorder.