Everyone keeps calling my boyfriend a loser....

[love1336x]

It's really, really started to pissed me off!

I don't think he is a loser.

 

My mother, along with my close few friends. They don't like him for me. He's 20. I'm 24 years. He does not have car. He does not go to college, and the kicker that makes him the "loser" is... he smokes lots and lots of weed.

 

I love him for his heart, and the way he makes me feel. I love for other tons of reasoning, but when i tell people this... they are..

"Will that paid for the bills?"

"How you gonna raised a family if he's too busy being high?"

 

He works at supermarket. He does have a driver license. He doesn't go to college because he HATES school, and doesn't know what exactly he wants to do in college...

 

I dunno...? When i told my closed friends and mom this information it wasn't so it can be constantly be thrown into my face over and over again. It's so frustrating.

Edited September 21, 2014 by love1336x

[Tayken]

@OP.....you are 24 and dating a 20 yr old who only smokes weed. What exactly is the attraction, and are we (myself, your family and friends) missing something here?

 

Am guessing you want kids in the future...is this the type of person you honestly want as your kid(s) father?

[veggirl]

He's 20. I knew tons of 20 year olds like him and for the most part, they all eventually got their sh.it together. He most likely will too. Stop telling people details of your relationship if you don't want their opinion.

[CarrieT]

Stop telling people details of your relationship if you don't want their opinion.

^ ^ This is the important part. ^ ^

 

Although, at 20, I would be concerned about the weed-smoking as well. Long-term, heavy use of marijuana can lead to impaired thinking skills and memory problems. The impairments can be especially hazardous when trying to do everyday activities such as driving.

 

It is nice that you have someone who makes you feel good for now, but - honestly - he doesn't sound like a good prospective future mate.

[mrs rubble]

He has a job and a drivers license, so what if he doesn't have a car yet! So what if he works at the supermarket and doesn't know what he wants to do yet! He's proved he's not lazy by having a job! He's not wasting his time and money getting a degree he won't use...and he smokes a plant that is legal to smoke in many parts of the world. Big deal!!!

I'm on your side OP, he'd be a loser (in my eyes) if he had no job, had a criminal history or a meth habit!!

[love1336x]

He has a job and a drivers license, so what if he doesn't have a car yet! So what if he works at the supermarket and doesn't know what he wants to do yet! He's proved he's not lazy by having a job! He's not wasting his time and money getting a degree he won't use...and he smokes a plant that is legal to smoke in many parts of the world. Big deal!!!

 

 

I'm on your side OP, he'd be a loser (in my eyes) if he had no job, had a criminal history or a meth habit!!

 

If he's was 30 years old and was like this! I would called a loser, and wouldn't even give him a chance in hell, but since he's 20 years old... I can understand.

[love1336x]

^ ^ This is the important part. ^ ^

 

Although, at 20, I would be concerned about the weed-smoking as well. Long-term, heavy use of marijuana can lead to impaired thinking skills and memory problems. The impairments can be especially hazardous when trying to do everyday activities such as driving.

 

It is nice that you have someone who makes you feel good for now, but - honestly - he doesn't sound like a good prospective future mate.

 

His parents smoked. His best friends smoked. There is nothing i can do the fact he smokes. He will always smoked... I accept this. I don't like smoking, so I don't do it.

 

The whole future mate... I do want him as my husband, when he's older. Right now I am thinking about me, and finishing college etc.

 

I know this is wrong to say, but if I am the "bread winner" in the relationship. Then let me be, as long he makes sure my house is clean, and the children are safe. I do not care.

[love1336x]

He's 20. I knew tons of 20 year olds like him and for the most part, they all eventually got their sh.it together. He most likely will too. Stop telling people details of your relationship if you don't want their opinion.

 

Believe me I do not tell strangers, or people who only know me by facebook. These are close friends of mine. People talk. People share their business with one another...It's a normal thing!

[Art_Critic]

What would your definition of a 20 year old loser be ?

 

It sounds to me that he needs to stop smoking weed, he sounds like he has no motivation.

 

Do you think he has motivation to excel in life ?

[Zing]

^ ^ This is the important part. ^ ^

 

Although, at 20, I would be concerned about the weed-smoking as well. Long-term, heavy use of marijuana can lead to impaired thinking skills and memory problems. The impairments can be especially hazardous when trying to do everyday activities such as driving.

 

It is nice that you have someone who makes you feel good for now, but - honestly - he doesn't sound like a good prospective future mate.

 

Why should the OP give up this great relationship if she doesn't WANT anything else out of him? He's 20 and even if he does smoke a lot it doesn't mean he would always do it, and it doesn't mean he's a loser.

 

OP if it doesn't bother you then I don't see why you should allow other peoples opinions to affect yours

Edited September 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed personal comments

[whichwayisup]

He does not go to college, and the kicker that makes him the "loser" is... he smokes lots and lots of weed.

Okay, not judging on the pot smoking as we all did that at some point in our lives... But, he smokes lots and lots of it, has no interest in continuing education, that's the problem. He can just go take various courses and get a general degree, then later figure out what it is he wants to do. If he wants a steady (good) paying job in the future, he's gonna need that piece of paper to get him further along. Otherwise he'll be working in a grocery store , making little money and not motivated.

 

Your parents love you and are concerned with what it is you see in him. They see him wasting his life on pot and no college. They don't see his kindness or the positives you see in him. They probably are worried you'll be smoking up with him and maybe he'll have a negative influence on you.

[TouchedByViolet]

Generally when everyone is telling you something they are right, and you are blinded by emotion (not always but most times).

 

Having said that 20 is still young and if he is loyal, honest, and isn't holding you back in anyway enjoy your time together. If you are both happy stay with him.

[whichwayisup]

His parents smoked. His best friends smoked. There is nothing i can do the fact he smokes. He will always smoked... I accept this. I don't like smoking, so I don't do it.

 

The whole future mate... I do want him as my husband, when he's older. Right now I am thinking about me, and finishing college etc.

 

I know this is wrong to say, but if I am the "bread winner" in the relationship. Then let me be, as long he makes sure my house is clean, and the children are safe. I do not care.

 

Yes as long as he is responsible, a great father and a provides a safe environment at home if you two do get married and have kids, why not? Though he should have some motivation to accomplish things in life. Then again, he's 20 and young...Probably not ready at all for major responsibility thrown at him yet.

 

Have your parents met him and actually tried getting to know him?

[Zing]

What is the correlation here between his smoking pot and being unmotivated? There are literally millions of motivated weed smokers all over the world. People who work at high paying jobs, students, celebrity's etc.

 

Him being unmotivated and smoking pot have nothing to do with each other.

[Art_Critic]

Him being unmotivated and smoking pot have nothing to do with each other.

 

 

IMO...It certainly does.. and the topic of this thread is why her family keeps calling him a loser..

This thread is NOT about other pot smokers and their motivations

 

Maybe you could pony up some advice for the OP, why do you think her family calls him a loser and what can she do about it ?

[whichwayisup]

Some people can function fine and smoke tons of pot, others can't. some get motivated, work hard and become creative when high, others not so much, they become lazy and depressed, don't do much. Honestly, it sounds like the latter with him, from what the OP has said.

[Zing]

IMO...It certainly does.. and the topic of this thread is why her family keeps calling him a loser..

This thread is NOT about other pot smokers and their motivations

 

Maybe you could pony up some advice for the OP, why do you think her family calls him a loser and what can she do about it ?

 

What are you talking about? The pot smoking was a large part of her post, and has been a central part of the discussion. It's all relevant and you just picked out one sentence from my post and ignored all the rest of it.

 

I already did give advice, twice, on the first page.

 

When you're ready to explain the correlation I'd be happy to read it, but for now I'll just cite the millions of people who smoke pot and still go about their lives with motivation.

[love1336x]

What would your definition of a 20 year old loser be ?

 

It sounds to me that he needs to stop smoking weed, he sounds like he has no motivation.

 

Do you think he has motivation to excel in life ?

 

My therapist I can't do much honestly, because then I'll be sounding like a mom.... telling him what is best, and what to do.

I wish my mom and close people who I love didn't feel that way for him.

[love1336x]

Generally when everyone is telling you something they are right, and you are blinded by emotion (not always but most times).

 

Having said that 20 is still young and if he is loyal, honest, and isn't holding you back in anyway enjoy your time together. If you are both happy stay with him.

 

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why can't people understand this?!?!?!?!?

[Art_Critic]

I wish my mom and close people who I love didn't feel that way for him.

 

You can't change what they think and will run into a brick wall if you try and change their viewpoint.

Your Mom however you might be able to have a heart to heart and get her to at least accept your decision to be with him, she is only looking out for you and many times parents get hyper focused on the future and what type of future they can provide, telling her how you feel and how it affects you when she badmouths him might help.

 

and yeah.. like your T said..you can't tell him what to do without coming across as his Mom.. when dealing with people with addictions they have to want to quit for themselves in order for them to quit for good.

[preraph]

I agree that people that young can grow out of their pot habit, but seeing as you're saying he smokes tons and tons of it, to me, that's not a good sign. Too much of anything is a problem. And I came from a pot culture of the 70s. I noticed that it was those who took too much of stuff too often that had a problem and the others snapped out of it once they had a job and responsibilities.

 

The thing that makes me think you ought to listen a little is that okay, it's pretty normal for your parents to think no one is good enough for you and to be hypercritical of your bfs because let's face it, they want you to be them. But when you have your main circle of girlfriends telling you he's not good for you, I'd listen to that and make sure you aren't ignoring some behavior that they're seeing in him. Girlfriends have no reason to want to keep you from having fun with the right guy.

[carhill]

It's really, really started to pissed me off!

I don't think he is a loser.

Sounds pretty normal. Most of us will defend people we love from all perceived enemies.

 

My mother, along with my close few friends. They don't like him for me. He's 20. I'm 24 years. He does not have car. He does not go to college, and the kicker that makes him the "loser" is... he smokes lots and lots of weed.

They're entitled to their opinions. We've all got bellybuttons and opinions. You're an adult (I presume) so are exempt from their opinions having any power over you. You choose who you put your trust and faith in. If you think and feel your mother and her friends have no basis for standing in this issue, then that's how it goes. If other, that.

 

I love him for his heart, and the way he makes me feel. I love for other tons of reasoning, but when i tell people this... they are..

"Will that paid for the bills?"

That's practicality speaking. They're being practical. You're young and in love. Two factions working at cross-purposes, apparently.

"How you gonna raised a family if he's too busy being high?"

 

They have a point but I gotta tell ya a lot of families got raised in my generation by parents who were high on drugs, alcohol or nicotine most of the time. Perhaps not the ideal situation, but it got done. Three squares and a roof over their head, perhaps not with the most ideal of role models but none of us are perfect. I think, as you experience life, you'll decide what speaks to you in this regard. I'd only suggest keeping an open mind to the possibilities.

 

He works at supermarket. He does have a driver license. He doesn't go to college because he HATES school, and doesn't know what exactly he wants to do in college...

 

So there is some work going on. He hates to go to school and apparently finished his primary schooling. He has a driver's license in good standing.

 

 

I dunno...? When i told my closed friends and mom this information it wasn't so it can be constantly be thrown into my face over and over again. It's so frustrating.

 

You've said your piece. They've said theirs. Time to live your life and focus on you. This is a time when young adult lessons are learned. Each of us learns them in our own way and own time. No one else can live your life. Part of being an adult is making decisions and accepting the consequences of those decisions. Right now, it appears you're determined to be with this young man. OK. That's an adult decision. I wish you well.

[FitChick]

Don't get married and certainly don't get pregnant any time soon. What sort of birth control are you using?

[SJS]

Honestly, if you were my sister or friend, I'd be saying the same thing. From what you've said so far, it doesn't sound like he has much to offer.

 

 

It's fine that at 20 he doesn't know what he'd go to college for, but IMO he'd better at least be working his butt off at the grocery store trying to move up the ladder.

 

 

You say NOW that if you have to be the breadwinner, so be it. But when that time actually comes and he's still sitting at home smoking weed, will you be ok with it? At 35? 45? Not saying he will stay like this, but are you prepared in case he does? You may have to be ready to defend him for a long time.

 

 

Good luck to you!

[normal person]

If he makes you happy and he's happy at his job now, so be it. My question is will this sort of situation keep you happy forever? Eventually I'm sure you'll want more out of your life and relationship, especially when you see things other people are doing, enjoying, and thriving at. Think of how much more fulfilled he'd feel if he had a job he cared about. Or if he could offer you both the chance to do more things you want to do in life. If the guy isn't content at McDonalds and being with you doesn't inspire a greater urge in him to improve his life and provide for you, I don't see it ending well.

 

Here's what I think will happen: pretty soon you'll start noticing all your friends getting engaged and married, working for things together with their husbands, traveling, and having wonderful, happy families. This guy is nowhere near able to do those things for you and you'll start to resent him by comparison.

 

I'm not saying he won't get his act together eventually, but it seems like you might be in two different stages in life and that can lead to a serious problem.