Jump to content

Another bombshell dropped by Ex Husband


Recommended Posts

I have been divorced now for 2 years, separated for a total of 3 years, and Ex Husband comes tonight to pick up kids, and says that he thinks we should try to rekindle our relationship. He thinks it would be the best thing for the kids....He proceeds to tell me what a mistake he has made, and how sorry he is for what he has done. He even went to the extreme to find out info about a house down the street from me, that he thinks he and I should consider buying since I am renting now, and so is he...I just don't even know what to say, think, or feel...

 

I tried laughing it off, but he was dead serious...He wants me to think about it...He left me for another woman, about half his age, in a time when I needed him the most...My mother died of cancer on 12/8, and he left me on 1/3.

 

I am not going to lie, I thought about how nice it would be to have my unit back...Gosh, how I miss that terribly, but in that little brief moment of time, I NEVER once thought how much I missed him...Ugh! There was and still is so much resentment on my part...

 

I am actually mad at this very moment thinking that he walked into my house and announced this...I just don't even know what to say.

Link to post
Share on other sites

How convenient for him!

He left you when you were sorely in need of a partner's support when your Mum died, he's had his little dalliance and that didn't work out. He certainly has gall to come back and ask for another chance!

Fool me once.....

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
If he wants to bribe you with a house - tell him t buy you one cash with only your name on it.

 

 

Won't that just make her a gold digger? :D

 

@OP....As enticing as that sounds getting the unit together, it's been 5yrs and going back is pointless. Once a cheater, always a cheater. This coming from a man by the way, and what happens the next time he sees a bit of skirt half his age?

Edited by Tayken
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Let me guess. He has joint custody? If so, chances are he's failed to find a lasting babysitter girlfriend and is tired of the responsibility of doing it himself. Men fight for joint custody mainly because that gives them a feeling of control during divorce and then usually try to palm a lot of childcare onto their mother or a new woman. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But I see lots of divorce and custody legal stuff and certain things keep cropping up over and over.

 

Sounds to me like you've moved on emotionally -- and bravo for you. I realize kids always think they want their parents back together, but the truth is whatever you do now is behavior modeled for your sons and daughters. Go back to a cheater and you're telling a son it's normal to cheat and a daughter it's normal to put up with it. So please don't go by what the kids think they want. Go by what they need: at least one healthy role model.

 

Very sorry for your two major losses back to back. I've been there. It's almost like the second one sucks the life out of mourning the first one.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Let me guess. He has joint custody? If so, chances are he's failed to find a lasting babysitter girlfriend and is tired of the responsibility of doing it himself. Men fight for joint custody mainly because that gives them a feeling of control during divorce and then usually try to palm a lot of childcare onto their mother or a new woman. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But I see lots of divorce and custody legal stuff and certain things keep cropping up over and over.

 

Sounds to me like you've moved on emotionally -- and bravo for you. I realize kids always think they want their parents back together, but the truth is whatever you do now is behavior modeled for your sons and daughters. Go back to a cheater and you're telling a son it's normal to cheat and a daughter it's normal to put up with it. So please don't go by what the kids think they want. Go by what they need: at least one healthy role model.

 

Very sorry for your two major losses back to back. I've been there. It's almost like the second one sucks the life out of mourning the first one.

 

 

Wow...generalize much by your jaded comments? I can tell you that you are completely out to lunch here, and I find your comment insulting to dads like myself, that were made to fight for 50-50 only because the NJ wanted table amount child support, wanted to spite the dad, and just plain right selfish without putting child's best interest first.

 

I do NOt have a gf or family for that matter in the country I now live in to help out, and with a professional career, I am doing a better job that my son's mother. I put him first.

 

A lot of women that end up with sole custody, end up looking for a replacement daddy for the child/ren to help put a roof over their head, and a potential double dip for child support, because the law allows it.

 

I know better, and will never fall into that trap again...I narrowly escaped it with my ex's daughter who she was already getting CS for.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Also, you're quick to say "he left me for another woman" and "him", "him", "him"...and NO WHERE do you ever mention you have done something wrong.

 

So, I guess he's just a jerk. You dated and married a jerk, right?

 

So far, and without more details, have you ever thought that in caring for your mother you may have neglected your marriage? I've seen that over and over, women are quick to tell their husband that career, kids, their mood, their family - everything is before their husband's needs.

 

If he's a serial cheater, I say forget it. But, if you were starving him in the marriage and he went to another woman's arms (which I'm not condoning), and now he wants to work on the RL, I highly recommend you take some responsibility for your role in the marriage and try to work it out. Your children do not need a broken home.

 

And, again, from your post - seems like all you're worried about is "you". You're quick to say 'I miss him, I, I, I' and not once do you state - well, maybe we should try for the kids....

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

 

Also, you're quick to say "he left me for another woman" and "him", "him", "him"...and NO WHERE do you ever mention you have done something wrong.

 

So, I guess he's just a jerk. You dated and married a jerk, right?

 

So far, and without more details, have you ever thought that in caring for your mother you may have neglected your marriage? I've seen that over and over, women are quick to tell their husband that career, kids, their mood, their family - everything is before their husband's needs.

 

If he's a serial cheater, I say forget it. But, if you were starving him in the marriage and he went to another woman's arms (which I'm not condoning), and now he wants to work on the RL, I highly recommend you take some responsibility for your role in the marriage and try to work it out. Your children do not need a broken home.

 

And, again, from your post - seems like all you're worried about is "you". You're quick to say 'I miss him, I, I, I' and not once do you state - well, maybe we should try for the kids....

 

 

Ah...never thought of this, but now that you mention it. I can relate to this problem, and it probably is part reason why I told my ex I want out after a 9yr marriage.

 

My ex's parents were divorced, and her mother hasn't bothered to marry again. So my ex felt the need to want to do a lot for her mom via out joint funds e.g. buying stuff for her, booking train tickets for her...without running this by me.

 

Her brother who earns more than either of us, has a wife that won't tolerate this spending on his mom, and my ex will turn this query as to why she is using our funds into an argument.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

Also, you're quick to say "he left me for another woman" and "him", "him", "him"...and NO WHERE do you ever mention you have done something wrong.

 

So, I guess he's just a jerk. You dated and married a jerk, right?

 

So far, and without more details, have you ever thought that in caring for your mother you may have neglected your marriage? I've seen that over and over, women are quick to tell their husband that career, kids, their mood, their family - everything is before their husband's needs.

 

If he's a serial cheater, I say forget it. But, if you were starving him in the marriage and he went to another woman's arms (which I'm not condoning), and now he wants to work on the RL, I highly recommend you take some responsibility for your role in the marriage and try to work it out. Your children do not need a broken home.

 

And, again, from your post - seems like all you're worried about is "you". You're quick to say 'I miss him, I, I, I' and not once do you state - well, maybe we should try for the kids....

Okay, I guess I should be more specific...here goes, my mother was diagnosed on 10/28 with cancer, she does on 12/8, so as for me neglecting my "wifely duties" you are totally off with that judgement!! No where, and no how did I ever neglect anything!! As if that would give any man or woman the right to cheat, and leave his or her family...I am beside myself with your allegations!! My ex chose to have an affair with another woman half his age because he believed in perfection, and I ( yes, I said I) no longer for that mold...and I am referring to myself because I ( said I again) did not chose to leave my family, and it is I with whom I am writing about! Get a grip, and take a class on being a little more sensitive, and perhaps a little more supportive!! If there is anything that I am guilty of it's not fighting harder, but at that point why would I? I mean this is a guy that I was married to for 15 years, that chose to have me go to our private family viewing alone, and yet decided to go to the gym the day of the viewing, oh yeah, and he chose to take a 7 day bereavement leave from work bc of my mothers death, and disappear for 7 hours the day after her death!! Please...don't judge, and before you do ask for more specifics!! Smh!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
  • Like 12
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's very understandable that you miss the comfort your former "unit" gave you, and I think that is all you miss from what I gather. In times of trouble not only did you guys not come together, he essentially walked off, and not just walked off, walked to another woman. Several steps have been made towards the wrong direction by your ex-husband, steps that have exposed his character when in times of trouble. Your feelings are very understandable, and I think that you know now what your ex-husband is made out of.

 

It's a sad situation, and I am sure he isn't a bad person, but certain decisions have made clear that the relationship was to end. To make amends because of the children is an uneducated response, and maybe a desperate one, but certainly not one that guarantees the happiness of your children. He made his choice, and you all had to live with the consequences, sadly enough.

 

Accept, forgive, and move on. Yes, those steps are very hard, and easily said, but as far as I know, yet to be found one of the few options that are viable in a situation such as this one.

 

Good luck and much strength to you.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
We only have "your" side of the story here...so, I think it's hard to comment.

 

Also, you're quick to say "he left me for another woman" and "him", "him", "him"...and NO WHERE do you ever mention you have done something wrong.

 

So, I guess he's just a jerk. You dated and married a jerk, right?

 

So far, and without more details, have you ever thought that in caring for your mother you may have neglected your marriage? I've seen that over and over, women are quick to tell their husband that career, kids, their mood, their family - everything is before their husband's needs.

 

If he's a serial cheater, I say forget it. But, if you were starving him in the marriage and he went to another woman's arms (which I'm not condoning), and now he wants to work on the RL, I highly recommend you take some responsibility for your role in the marriage and try to work it out. Your children do not need a broken home.

 

And, again, from your post - seems like all you're worried about is "you". You're quick to say 'I miss him, I, I, I' and not once do you state - well, maybe we should try for the kids....

 

Also, I did give it thought, and I will ALWAYS put my children first, which is why I chose not to even entertain his proposition...let's say, he does this again, now what?! At least the first time, the kids didn't have a choice, he just left....why torture them again....if he can leave me during my greatest times of need, he'll do it anytime!!! So, yes...I put my children first!!!

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

He stated you could buy it together.

 

Does that mean you could live in the house without him?

 

Even so, he'd still try controlling you.

 

I don't think it's worth considering. He's still the same jerk that cheated.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Let me guess. He has joint custody? If so, chances are he's failed to find a lasting babysitter girlfriend and is tired of the responsibility of doing it himself. Men fight for joint custody mainly because that gives them a feeling of control during divorce and then usually try to palm a lot of childcare onto their mother or a new woman. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. But I see lots of divorce and custody legal stuff and certain things keep cropping up over and over.

 

Sounds to me like you've moved on emotionally -- and bravo for you. I realize kids always think they want their parents back together, but the truth is whatever you do now is behavior modeled for your sons and daughters. Go back to a cheater and you're telling a son it's normal to cheat and a daughter it's normal to put up with it. So please don't go by what the kids think they want. Go by what they need: at least one healthy role model.

 

Very sorry for your two major losses back to back. I've been there. It's almost like the second one sucks the life out of mourning the first one.

I have them 5 nights a week, and he has them two. Pick up at 4:30pm, and drop off next day at 7:30am, so I don't think that's the case.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I have been divorced now for 2 years, separated for a total of 3 years, and Ex Husband comes tonight to pick up kids, and says that he thinks we should try to rekindle our relationship. He thinks it would be the best thing for the kids....He proceeds to tell me what a mistake he has made, and how sorry he is for what he has done. He even went to the extreme to find out info about a house down the street from me, that he thinks he and I should consider buying since I am renting now, and so is he...I just don't even know what to say, think, or feel...

 

I tried laughing it off, but he was dead serious...He wants me to think about it...He left me for another woman, about half his age, in a time when I needed him the most...My mother died of cancer on 12/8, and he left me on 1/3.

 

I am not going to lie, I thought about how nice it would be to have my unit back...Gosh, how I miss that terribly, but in that little brief moment of time, I NEVER once thought how much I missed him...Ugh! There was and still is so much resentment on my part...

 

I am actually mad at this very moment thinking that he walked into my house and announced this...I just don't even know what to say.

 

Other than him just saying this, has he changed at all? Worked on himself?

 

The best thing that could happen is, you two co parent well together and be 'friends' for the sake of the kids. A genuine care for one another and always respect each other as parents.

 

He does have some nerve, all things considering and how it all played out, how awful he was to you.

 

so now the OW and him are over, he feels he can't be alone so it would be best if you took him back?! That is kind of laughable. How long ago did they break up?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Disagree, but whatever floats your boat!!! Again, if he can up and leave his wife of 15 years weeks after my mothers death, he will NEVER be here for US!!! For some it's just easier to get back together for their own selfish reasons!!

 

Don't take him back. He hasn't changed or hit a rock bottom yet. Not even close. The best thing for him is to be on his own, rely on himself and grow as a person, to become a better father.

 

His 'husband' days to you are over, he messed that up by bailing on you during the lowest and painful times of your life. Not sure how one makes that right again? Anyway, whatever you do decide, there's absolutely no rush for anything. Life is good now, you have your kids most of the time and are rebuilding. He may not fit into that and that's okay!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

You could mess with him "ummm, sorry but I am enjoying dating/being single right now too much to settle down"...or "I have a new man in my life now, he really wants to meet the kids soon, and always wanted to be a dad, and I might move in his home":rolleyes:

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't take him back. He is missing his old life but he does not to love you.

 

Has he ever apologised for leaving you? Has he ever done some therapy to figure out why he was so insensitive to you? Unless he does some hard work on himself the whole rollercoaster will start all over again the moment he gets bored in your relationship.

 

You should tell your husband that people, esp. kids are not something you switch off and on from one moment to another.

And also tell him that you are not interested in his proposal, that he messed it up beyond repair and that he should not bother you with such crazy plans.

 

It's over and it's his own fault.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Also, you're quick to say "he left me for another woman" and "him", "him", "him"...and NO WHERE do you ever mention you have done something wrong.

 

So, I guess he's just a jerk. You dated and married a jerk, right?

 

So far, and without more details, have you ever thought that in caring for your mother you may have neglected your marriage? I've seen that over and over, women are quick to tell their husband that career, kids, their mood, their family - everything is before their husband's needs.

 

If he's a serial cheater, I say forget it. But, if you were starving him in the marriage and he went to another woman's arms (which I'm not condoning), and now he wants to work on the RL, I highly recommend you take some responsibility for your role in the marriage and try to work it out. Your children do not need a broken home.

 

And, again, from your post - seems like all you're worried about is "you". You're quick to say 'I miss him, I, I, I' and not once do you state - well, maybe we should try for the kids....

And just so that you know Gloria, yes he did this to me before when my youngest was 3. He had an "emotional affair" was a co worker, so yes, at that time I did what I thought was best, and I chose my family over those infidelities, boy was that the wrong decision! As the saying goes once a cheater...so don't be does head string on me doing what was best for only me! Again, don't judge, ask first...have a great day, and get some help for all of your anger and bitterness!!

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

That's great he's all nostalgic but meh. What's best for your kids is you being centered and as much at peace as possible.

Link to post
Share on other sites

He left you when you most needed him - he knew well how badly you needed his support and yet he did not have the decency to wait till things have quiet down before leaving. He obviously didn't care about your feelings.

 

It's been 3 years, the kids are already used to the way things are now, you are not emotionally attached...it will be too much of a hassle to try to change things back to the way they were before. You need to forget the past and look forward - the next man that comes into your life (and your children's) should be a man that is responsible, trusting, faithful, and loving to you and your children.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

He isn't trying to get you back because of family's sake, but for his. Him looking for a house isn't committment and seriousness, he's trying to trap you in it - not by keeping the doors locked, but by making the next seperation a lot harder. Not to mention the "wow"-effect to get you persuaded much easier.

 

 

Your kids need at least one reliable person with a calm mind, which is you. Don't let this idiot tell you otherwise. He's a serial cheater, he's just getting impatient because probably he hasn't had another girl in his bed for quite a while.

 

 

Shut the door in his face the next time he even attempts that route. You don't need him. Nobody does.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
CrystalCastles
Also, you're quick to say "he left me for another woman" and "him", "him", "him"...and NO WHERE do you ever mention you have done something wrong.

 

So, I guess he's just a jerk. You dated and married a jerk, right?

 

So far, and without more details, have you ever thought that in caring for your mother you may have neglected your marriage? I've seen that over and over, women are quick to tell their husband that career, kids, their mood, their family - everything is before their husband's needs.

 

If he's a serial cheater, I say forget it. But, if you were starving him in the marriage and he went to another woman's arms (which I'm not condoning), and now he wants to work on the RL, I highly recommend you take some responsibility for your role in the marriage and try to work it out. Your children do not need a broken home.

 

And, again, from your post - seems like all you're worried about is "you". You're quick to say 'I miss him, I, I, I' and not once do you state - well, maybe we should try for the kids....

 

Wow. Way to pin the wayward's cheating on the betrayed spouse. Nice. :rolleyes:

 

Apaige- I'm with the others, don't let him back into your life. His female playtoy, by the looks of it, dumped him and he's looking for another warm body as a replacement. You don't need this drama in your life, tell him to screw off and continue living without that parasite.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Wow. Way to pin the wayward's cheating on the betrayed spouse. Nice. :rolleyes:

 

Apaige- I'm with the others, don't let him back into your life. His female playtoy, by the looks of it, dumped him and he's looking for another warm body as a replacement. You don't need this drama in your life, tell him to screw off and continue living without that parasite.

 

 

I agree with the above post. May not necessarily be the best idea to let him back. He has already deserted you once. Being together means staying so through thick and thin. His going off to a younger woman was not what you needed. Nor, what you deserved at all. You deserve someone who will step up to the plate at all times. Not only when it is convenient.

 

 

Suggests that he has a selfish reason for wanting to return. Being with someone you do not love nor have a great relationship toward is not what may be best for your kids. It is then just having two bodies inside of the room. Kids are very observant and will notice what we do not even realize. They will not see what healthy love is if you let him back into your life.

 

 

The hardest thing I had to ever do was leave my bipolar ex and her daughter. I am a teacher and kids mean the world to me. Stayed even when times were most terrible. Just because of general guilt. I felt that the daughter was better off with me around. Then, I realized it was the worst possible thing. Leaving was the best solution for all involved since I did not love her mom. Not a perfect solution in any possible way. No specific solution right now will be perfect. Not even the one you have right now.

 

 

Thus, we have to put all things in perspective. It sounds as if you would consider taking him back for the kids. Not necessarily because you actually still love him. I would be very careful with letting him perhaps have another choice.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Let me guess. He has joint custody? If so, chances are he's failed to find a lasting babysitter girlfriend and is tired of the responsibility of doing it himself. Men fight for joint custody mainly because that gives them a feeling of control during divorce and then usually try to palm a lot of childcare onto their mother or a new woman. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

 

Yeah....you're wrong.

 

I know this sounds crazy, but a lot of dads actually...you know...love their kids. Great contribution, though. Thanks for your insight.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...