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Meeting for "Coffee" is a dating suicide


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When meeting women from a dating site, 99.99% of them want to meet for coffee. This is absolutely annoying to me. I cant stand sitting there, carrying the conversation, trying to "entertain" the woman, while she analyzes my every word, gesture, and idiosyncrasy. Studies have also proved that sitting there interviewing each other is the worst way to start things off. Why cant we go to a museum, or the park, or a pet store, or batting cages.....anything where there is some sort of activity and interaction, besides just sitting there staring at each other, trying to think of what to say next?

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Themanwithaplan

Then your response to them suggesting coffee should be "as much as I like pissing every 5 minutes, awful breath, and forcing small talk in an awkward coffee shop, I'd way rather do something outside of the box and interesting". Don't say that, but you understand. The reason they want coffee is it's cheap and can be made into a short or long meeting depending on circumstance. Also meeting strange men in a public place is probably a good idea when meeting people online. There are still other options out there. Museum is a good one, plenty of visual stimulation and conversation starters.

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Museum is a good one, plenty of visual stimulation and conversation starters.

 

Yea...I know its a good one, just like you know its a good one because you are a guy too.....but for some damn reason women dont know this. Women are hell bent on making it into an interview session.

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Well, I don't know about most women, but I like to make a first meet simple - like over coffee or drinks...Why?

 

I don't like a guy spending too much time on me if we don't click. Cuz it's too easy to be "good on paper" when dealing with OLD. Also, I can cut the evening short if, again, there's no chemistry/click.

 

I say, that if you want to do more than coffee or drinks, why don't you pick a place conducive to extending the evening if you two hit it off? For example, cafe's like Starbucks have options where you can get some dessert or a small salad/panini.

 

Also, you can pick a place for drinks or coffee that is in an interesting place/area so that if you two hit it off, you can say like "let's walk on the river-walk", "check out this show/museum"....

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why don't you pick a place conducive to extending the evening if you two hit it off?

 

Because they refuse to do that. I think they prepare themselves for the worst...are expecting the worst....and eventually turn the situation into a negative meeting because they cant just relax and enjoy it.

 

And they ALWAYS mention how they can only meet for X amount of time because they have something else to do. Which is usually total bs. they just use that excuse as a premediated diversion so they have an exit if it doesnt go good. So even if it did go good, we cant do anything esle because she already stated she has other plans.

 

I dont see how anyone puts up with all this sh*t nowadays.

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I think meeting for coffee as a pre-date (i.e. screen your date in person) is smart.

 

If your date turns out to be a dud, you're only out of $8 for a cup of coffee and an hour of your life. But if the chemistry's there, then you can (if there's time and mutual interest) extend the pre-date to do something else, spur of the moment.

 

The last coffee pre-date I went on lasted 6 hours and several dates followed after that.

 

With OLD, I think the coffee pre-date standby is a lifesaver. Sure it an resemble a job interview but that depends on the chemistry factor which tends to become apparent almost immediately after you meet and start chatting. You can pretty much decipher within 5 minutes if you feel chemistry with someone of the opposite sex I think.

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You can pretty much decipher within 5 minutes if you feel chemistry with someone of the opposite sex I think.

 

But of course, even if the woman isnt interested in me....she will continue to sit there, talking with me, lying to my face and letting me think she is having a good time. Because we arent allowed to be honest with each other, and say what we really think.

 

I would rather have a woman tell me no thanks after 5 mins, than to sit there for an hour faking it.

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If she suggests coffee, counter with something else. If she gives you static point blank say that you think the encounter would be more relaxing & more fun if you did anything other than get coffee. Challenge her to give up the "routine" to take a chance & try something different. Make sure different is still safe & will take about the same amount of time. If she won't budge from her entrenched position, don't bother meeting her because you already know she's inflexible & has no spirit of adventure so why waste your time?

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When meeting women from a dating site, 99.99% of them want to meet for coffee. This is absolutely annoying to me. I cant stand sitting there, carrying the conversation, trying to "entertain" the woman, while she analyzes my every word, gesture, and idiosyncrasy. Studies have also proved that sitting there interviewing each other is the worst way to start things off. Why cant we go to a museum, or the park, or a pet store, or batting cages.....anything where there is some sort of activity and interaction, besides just sitting there staring at each other, trying to think of what to say next?

 

So why not suggest that from the get go?

 

you're only out of $8 for a cup of coffee

 

:laugh: That better be a real damn good coffee.

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OP,

 

Sounds to me like your coffee dates are job interviews.

That's part of the problem, right there.

 

I admit, my romantic encounters have all started with first meetings that weren't set up by online resumes.....

but still, an attitude shift is important.

A bore talks about himself.

A gossip talks about other people.

An interesting (and interested) person talks about you.

 

Following that rule - why ever meet anybody if you aren't at least a little bit curious about what makes them tick?

Draw them out....create and adjust.

If their response is about as warm as a 2-week refrigerated leftover turnip souffle....well then, I guess a spot of warm humor precedes a graceful bow-out.

 

I understand perfectly. Being scrutinized, analyzed, graded and judged to death for future 40-year long term possibilities.......is a bit of a damp rag on any possible romance.

Especially when that all happens within the first 5 minutes of meeting.

Booty calls are more honest.

 

Maybe part of the problem is that too often, people can't just lighten up.

As if romance suddenly became a corporate business plan.

The human element gets replaced by optimum performance-enhanced high efficiency profitability.

 

One thing to consider, though.

If the chemistry is all wrong......your first meetup could be a wild ride on a moonshot shuttle......thrills a minute.......and it still wouldn't click. :D

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But of course, even if the woman isnt interested in me....she will continue to sit there, talking with me, lying to my face and letting me think she is having a good time. Because we arent allowed to be honest with each other, and say what we really think.

 

I would rather have a woman tell me no thanks after 5 mins, than to sit there for an hour faking it.

 

But, do you realize that since you insist on first dates being dinner, museums, etc., that if she's not into you, she'll be spending hours "faking" it? But that's what you wanted, a date to last more than a coffee or drink.

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So why not suggest that from the get go?

 

 

 

:laugh: That better be a real damn good coffee.

 

LOL here in the Midwest that's what a medium decaf mocha (my pre-date standby coffee drink) costs.

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But, do you realize that since you insist on first dates being dinner, museums, etc., that if she's not into you, she'll be spending hours "faking" it? But that's what you wanted, a date to last more than a coffee or drink.

 

 

Even when I wasn't all that info the guy, I could still manage a few hours of pleasant conversation & generally consoled myself with enjoying the restaurant or museum. People just have no patience & very little courtesy any more. What happened to being gracious?

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I think meeting for coffee as a pre-date (i.e. screen your date in person) is smart.

 

If your date turns out to be a dud, you're only out of $8 for a cup of coffee and an hour of your life. But if the chemistry's there, then you can (if there's time and mutual interest) extend the pre-date to do something else, spur of the moment.

 

The last coffee pre-date I went on lasted 6 hours and several dates followed after that.

 

With OLD, I think the coffee pre-date standby is a lifesaver. Sure it an resemble a job interview but that depends on the chemistry factor which tends to become apparent almost immediately after you meet and start chatting. You can pretty much decipher within 5 minutes if you feel chemistry with someone of the opposite sex I think.

This right here.

 

I only do the coffee/pub first encounter with OLD. It's quick, easy, cheap and effective. There are locations throughout town so it's never a problem finding a soft environment to sit down and get to know each other. If she finds it boring then no problem for me since I'm looking for intellectual and emotional connection first and foremost. If she can't wow me with her words or warmth then there isn't going to be a real first date.

 

Chemistry can be determined in a matter of minutes, if not seconds. If it's there, the rest writes itself. If it's not then we've got an hour of chatting within which it's still very possible to enjoy ourselves.

 

AtomZ, she could very well be having a good time despite your rigid belief that she's uninterested in you and lying straight to your face. Some people are very social and simply enjoy light interaction even if they recognize that there isn't a romantic connection.

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But of course, even if the woman isnt interested in me....she will continue to sit there, talking with me, lying to my face and letting me think she is having a good time. Because we arent allowed to be honest with each other, and say what we really think.

 

I would rather have a woman tell me no thanks after 5 mins, than to sit there for an hour faking it.

 

In an ideal pre-date world, it would be great if the person was honest and let you know they weren't interested. But I think some (not all) people are afraid to be honest with each other (especially complete strangers you meet for the first time) because they equate it as confrontational and socially rude.

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This right here.

 

only

 

Chemistry can be determined in a matter of minutes, if not seconds. If it's there, the rest writes itself. If it's not then we've got an hour of chatting within which it's still very possible to enjoy ourselves.

 

AtomZ, she could very well be having a good time despite your rigid belief that she's uninterested in you and lying straight to your face. Some people are very social and simply enjoy light interaction even if they recognize that there isn't a romantic connection.

 

+10. Totally agree with you about how fast chemistry with another person can be determined, and that some people just enjoy the social interaction even if they realize they're not attracted to the person. Sometimes, friendships can result from these pre-dates. Sometimes.

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+10. Totally agree with you about how fast chemistry with another person can be determined, and that some people just enjoy the social interaction even if they realize they're not attracted to the person. Sometimes, friendships can result from these pre-dates. Sometimes.

And friends have single friends :)

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OP,

 

Sounds to me like your coffee dates are job interviews.

That's part of the problem, right there.

 

I admit, my romantic encounters have all started with first meetings that weren't set up by online resumes.....

but still, an attitude shift is important.

A bore talks about himself.

A gossip talks about other people.

An interesting (and interested) person talks about you.

 

Following that rule - why ever meet anybody if you aren't at least a little bit curious about what makes them tick?

 

I LOVE digging in and finding out what makes a woman tick......but guess what?? In my experience...that is a HUGE turnoff for women. They do not want dissected. They want a guy to take them at face value, oogle over how they look(since they just spent time getting all done up to meet you), and be showered with compliments and flirting.

 

Do you know what women have told me....after trying to get to know them, instead of flirting and drooling over them? They tell me....."You never showed any interest in me".

 

THATS what I get for trying to learn who she is....instead of just caring about her looks.

 

It doenst matter what approach I use.....its always the WRONG one no matter what.

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Why cant we go to a museum, or the park, or a pet store, or batting cages.....anything where there is some sort of activity and interaction, besides just sitting there staring at each other, trying to think of what to say next?

 

 

Maybe work that into your profile somehow? You might run the risk of limiting the potential pool of dates, but at the same time narrowing in on someone who is more fun?

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I LOVE digging in and finding out what makes a woman tick......but guess what?? In my experience...that is a HUGE turnoff for women. They do not want dissected. They want a guy to take them at face value, oogle over how they look(since they just spent time getting all done up to meet you), and be showered with compliments and flirting.

 

Do you know what women have told me....after trying to get to know them, instead of flirting and drooling over them? They tell me....."You never showed any interest in me".

 

THATS what I get for trying to learn who she is....instead of just caring about her looks.

 

It doenst matter what approach I use.....its always the WRONG one no matter what.

 

From what you've posted here, seems like you limit your dating to Facebook and/or OLD - all electronic means to date which are artificial, superficial, and really hard to get to know people.

 

Why not try meet-up groups, church, volunteering - that way you can meet females who share similar interests (i.e. landscaping, hiking, Bingo) and you can get to know them on a friendly level and if you two kick it off, can probably turn into dating.

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I LOVE digging in and finding out what makes a woman tick......but guess what?? In my experience...that is a HUGE turnoff for women. They do not want dissected. They want a guy to take them at face value, oogle over how they look(since they just spent time getting all done up to meet you), and be showered with compliments and flirting.

 

Do you know what women have told me....after trying to get to know them, instead of flirting and drooling over them? They tell me....."You never showed any interest in me".

 

THATS what I get for trying to learn who she is....instead of just caring about her looks.

 

It doenst matter what approach I use.....its always the WRONG one no matter what.

 

Would you like it if a woman tried to find out what made you tick and focused on flaws? my guess is a big no.

 

Use humour, be fun, ask questions about her life, her upbringing, childhood memories, out looks on life etc.. Astrology, etc..etc..

 

Still think if you're not having much luck, time to look within and see what you may be doing wrong. If the same stuff happens over and over and over again, eventually you gotta look in the mirror. Everybody has things they need to work on, myself included. We all are a work in progress.

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From what you've posted here, seems like you limit your dating to Facebook and/or OLD - all electronic means to date which are artificial, superficial, and really hard to get to know people.

 

Why not try meet-up groups, church, volunteering - that way you can meet females who share similar interests (i.e. landscaping, hiking, Bingo) and you can get to know them on a friendly level and if you two kick it off, can probably turn into dating.

 

 

I love how the people on this forum decide what my interests are when the topic comes up.

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Would you like it if a woman tried to find out what made you tick and focused on flaws?

 

I would give ANYTHING to meet a woman that is smart enough to sit down and have that conversation with me. Unfortunately.....most women nowadays only care about the current reality show, and which Hollywood star is pregnant or getting divorced.

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