Dating a woman 8 months now she’s not feeling it

[Garymustang1977]

Hello All,

 

We are a dating couple in our 50s and see one another one day out of the week, and one day on the weekend. She’s busy with work and so am I putting in long hours. We met on a dating site, and my match to her was in the mid-90s percentile. We get along great and have an easy rapport with one another.

 

Considering the sweet texts we send each other daily, and the way we talk sweetly to one another I though all was going well. We each have our own houses to live in, and never stay over at one another’s. I told her that I’d never impose on her space.

 

She’s admitted that her last relationship ended with a lot of difficulty and that it still bother’s her. I feel the she has a hard time expressing how she’s feeling inside. She’s had financial problems and is worried about the state of her health. Her low self-esteem, and anxiety I’m sure plays into how she sees our relationship. She told me once that “I’m good for her."

 

Her work is stressful and she has high blood pressure. No doubt that explains some of her mood swings. I’m a very relaxed person and don’t panic or get too worked up about things. I’m also very helpful and capable around her house when she needs something fixed.

 

I thought things were going well until she told me last week that she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me. I could tell she’s lately been less affectionate, but has never denied me kissing her with lingering kisses.

 

I have sensed her need for me, but now she’s decided differently, and has pulled away. I didn’t protest when she told me, and told her that if that’s the way she feels then I can’t impose anything on her. She asked if we could remain “friends,” and I acknowledged with a “yes.”

 

She also told me that she’s appreciating her “singleness” and that she’s sorry if being on the dating site implied romance. Well, in my mind I was looking for romance and I thought she was, too. We really clicked the first time we met.

 

I’m at a loss for words and and saddened that she feels that way. She is a fine woman. Is it pointless for me tell her how I feel and that we can work together to get the “feeling” back, or should I go away and give her the space she’s wanting now?

 

Thanks very much for any thoughtful advice,

Gary

[Mister Zen]

Chances are, she cares more about her feelings than yours.

[PinkInTheLimo]

There is nothing you can do. That's why you date, to see if on the long term a relationship is possible. And so it is possible that after a while one or both realise that there is not enough to continue the relationship.

I guess she likes you but has noticed that no deeper feelings have developed. Nothing you can do. It could have been you who came to that conclusion.

 

Cut your losses. Accept that the relationship has ended. And oh, don't buy her "let's be friends" proposal. Once you have tried to be a romantic couple there is no way back. You will keep hoping that more can develop but it won't.

[Emilia]

We each have our own houses to live in, and never stay over at one another’s. I told her that I’d never impose on her space.

Have you ever had sex?

[Garymustang1977]

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful replies. Good question, Emilia, no we’ve NOT had sex. I’ll explain.

 

We’ve been naked together in bed once early one in our relationship, but she stopped at a certain point. We put our clothes back on and I went home.

 

She told me the next day that although her mind wants sex, with her health issues, her body doesn’t respond. She said that she’d hope I still want to be her lover, but that it will take patience over the course of weeks.

 

I respect her feelings and was willing to wait. I know being in a no sex relationship should be a red flag. I take full responsibility for not expressing how I felt. I’m not bitter in the least, however.

 

Any comments are welcome,

Gary

[Emilia]

Ah, it does sound like she wasn't ready. Thank you for explaining further.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Thank you, everyone, for your thoughtful replies. Good question, Emilia, no we’ve NOT had sex. I’ll explain.

 

We’ve been naked together in bed once early one in our relationship, but she stopped at a certain point. We put our clothes back on and I went home.

 

She told me the next day that although her mind wants sex, with her health issues, her body doesn’t respond. She said that she’d hope I still want to be her lover, but that it will take patience over the course of weeks.

 

I respect her feelings and was willing to wait. I know being in a no sex relationship should be a red flag. I take full responsibility for not expressing how I felt. I’m not bitter in the least, however.

 

Any comments are welcome,

Gary

 

I think she felt more friendship than love for you. I think that if she felt lust for you there would have been more intimacy and sexuality by now. I don't think that health problems would stop that if it is there.

[preraph]

I'm sorry. You had time to get invested in this relationship but it just sounds like as you said, she's still got some unresolved issues, and meanwhile, whatever she felt at first for you has faded with time into friendship. It's no reflection on you. It happens, especially considering she's got these other issues she's probably just as focused on. She really isn't there to give herself all the way because she hasn't recuped herself yet fully. I wouldn't hold out thinking her feelings will change. You provided a nice and caring distraction to her from her problems, but unfortunately, it didn't make the problems go away. Not your fault.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry but if she isn't feeling romantic or sexual lust 8 months in, she isn't into you that way. She may like you a lot and really enjoy your company but the passion is missing. She may be still into her ex and not over him, so that could be affecting how she feels about you.

 

You can't do anything to conjure up her lust/passion for you, so for your own sake, end it before you get hurt.