What does he want from me???

[confused1024]

I wasn't sure which category to put this under.

 

To start out, I have been married for 8 years and am going through an EXTREMELY difficult time in my marriage. My husband and I are trying to work through it and I do have hope, but I've been really hurt by him the past few years. I can't say with certainty that we will be ok. His emotional and verbal abuse have not helped me in the situation below.

 

My questions are regarding a married colleague. He seems pretty happy with his wife, but has always been a bit flirtatious and friendly. He likes to call other women "sunshine" and give them hugs. I'm really drawn to him. I do like him a lot. We work together pretty closely and have traveled together a few times for work.

 

About a year ago we were out of town together when he really seemed to step up the flirtatiousness. After entertaining the client, he took me to a show. Everyone had been drinking (this client, as well as our office, definitely likes to have a good time, enjoys some drinks...yep) and he was VERY friendly that evening. Touched my leg a lot, put his arm around me at the show. As we walked back to the hotel afterwards, we were in a large crowd, and he grabbed my hand. Held it all the way back.

 

Obviously, I reciprocated and consider myself equally responsible for all actions. I was just not expecting any of it.

 

After whatever evening activities we had the following nights, he held my hand back to the elevators each time. He even made a comment to me that we "couldn't do any any hand-holding in front of [bosses name], because we don't want him to get any wrong ideas". That confused me, b/c I don't know what other idea you could get from hand-holding.

 

The last night of the trip, we all went dancing at an upscale bar. The clients decided to turn in early, and it was just he and I again. Once gain, we had drinks in us. The second they were gone he was all over me. We danced and danced, not exactly grinding like highschoolers or anything, but closer than I'd dance with pretty much anyone who was not my husband. We sat on a sofa and he had his arm around me, he stroked my upper leg with his hand (I was in a fairly short dress so it was my bare thigh too), held my hand, he stroked my hair. He held my hand again back to the elevator. He even waited until we had an elevator to ourselves before escorting me on. Once on he wrapped his arms around me and stood like that. I got off on my floor and that was that.

 

Back in the office I was so bothered by all this that I spoke to him privately: basically said "so, on our business trip...what was that all about?". He told me that he cares about me very much AS A FRIEND. He kind of acted like there wasn't anything unusual about the behavior, from either end, but did say that he wouldn't be like that with anyone else. He just "feels a connection with me". After talking to him I was even more confused. I just don't see how two people can act that way with one another and it just be, like, good friends.

 

In the year since, I would say 95% of the time he is pretty normal, just like he was before the business trip. Friendly and blah blah blah. The other 5% of the time he does things that are just DIFFERENT. Things that maybe I am reading too much into, but at the same time I just don't feel are "normal". Like, I was out of town for a week, and when I came back he called me into his office, shut the door, and gave me a huge long hug. He said he just wanted to tell me that he missed me. Actually, there's lots of hugging. He's very as conscious to if anyone else is around. One day he came in, saw my boss was away at the restroom, and said "quick, because [boss] is gone, I need a hug!!" and proceeded with one of his long, drawn out hugs. I mean, it's almost like we are just standing there, holding one another. He always plays with my hair and strokes my back. A few months ago when he came back from being out of town, he hugged me and kissed my cheek. Today, he kissed my forehead. I just don't know what to think about all this. Like I said, it's not like he makes any huge over-the-top advances towards me (except probably on our trip). It's lots of touchy things, hugs, and occasionally grabbing my hand. I certainly don't see him do anything like this to anyone else in the office.

I've spoken with my therapist a lot about this, because I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt about all of it, especially because I feel I genuinely like him. So yes, I am aware of how awful it is. I'm trying to focus on my husband, despite the abuse, to make our marriage work.

 

I am still confused though, and I am wondering: what does my colleague want out of all this? Is he just having fun and being flirty? Does he genuinely care about me? What's with the cheek and forehead kisses? Does that mean anything? I'm tired of feeling like, one moment, I am special, and the next moment, I'm average. Frankly I realize I SHOULD just be average, he's not my husband.

[Gloria25]

IMO, you are so hungry for the attention and affection lacking from your marriage, that you are holding on too much onto this thing with a co-worker.

 

I believe lots of affairs and RLs start in the workplace cuz we literally spend like 8 hrs with other people. You chat with them, you eat with them, etc. and it's easy to "connect", find commonalities, and maybe emotions that aren't really there.

 

Dating a work causes too many problems, and you already are in an abusive marriage. Not sure if trying to concentrate on the affections of a co-worker are gonna satisfy your need for attention and affection.

 

Some people just like to have a good time...co-workers or otherwise. You and your co-worker had a good time in an environment that is/was conducive to people doing certain things...IMO, don't look into it...let it be and be more conservative if part of your job is to go on social outings.

 

Oh, and about the hugs, holding hands and other antics in the office. You should put a stop to it. You're not there to stroke his ego for a female's attention.

Edited September 17, 2014 by Gloria25

[Quiet Storm]

He gets some kind of satisfaction out of having these little secret hugs from the office women, and he recognizes women that need attention and targets them. Then he sends mixed messages, and the intermittent reinforcement gets them hooked.

 

You knew he was a flirt, you knew he liked giving women hugs and compliments, but then you say it was totally unexpected when he got flirty with you. After you'd both been drinking.

 

I think this guy is weird. He needs hugs? Tell him to go hug his mama. If you want to trade hugs for attention, that's up to you. Just remember you are putting your marriage and job at risk, all for the attention of a weirdo.

[confused1024]

Thanks for the honest replies. I do agree that the reason I'm participating in this is bc it just feels GOOD - things have been so rough in my marriage that some positive attention has been wonderful.

 

I just don't get the forehead kiss thing. What does that mean???

[ktya]

OP

 

Your overanalyzing. No offense but I can't beleive you wrote all of that.

 

Guy wants an affair with you, probably heard you are headed for divorce and his home life probably isnt all that great either.

 

If your trying to work it out with your husband you might want to avoid him. If you just need some serious release and you think it might help you get down to brass tacks and work it out with your husband, shag him like mad and put a time limit on it.

 

But whatever you do dont get emotionally attached.

[confused1024]

No offense taken, I am very good at overanalyzing. I just keep wondering if I am mistaking his behavior for general friendliness. Like mAybe it's normal to kiss coworkers on the forehead or hold their hand. ?

[salparadise]

I think he's a guy with a strong superego. He's at once indulging the fantasy and rationalizing that it's ok because he hasn't crossed the big line... yet. He probably has significant inhibitions to taking the overt step of actually kissing, professing love and trying to get you naked. His id is pushing him and his superego is restraining him. I honestly can't think of any other reason he hasn't made the move, unless he thinks you aren't sufficiently primed. He's probably hoping that you'll make the move for him and keep it from being his fault.

[Tayken]

@OP..... and others who have responded so far, are you seriously blaming the guy here i.e. a one way blame? Now this married grown man could have put a STOP to this the moment it first started.

 

The victims in all of this is the guy's wife and her husband. You allowed a married man to rub your hair, stroke your thigh, hold your hands, grind with him, and probably more that you didn't tell us.

 

Now if another woman did all this to your husband and you found out...how would you respond to this?

 

I think you should do everyone involved a favour, and end your marriage!