I met my friend of 10 years in person. Why am I feeling this way?

[Lovezen_30]

Quick summary: we have been friends for 10 years & always shared our innermost thoughts. About 4 years ago he asked to meet me in person, via a letter and then in a couple of emails. I didn't because I was in a relationship and worried that if there was any chemistry, it would complicate my life. Since then we have seen each other through bereavements, relationships and everything else in between. I have treasured his friendship and have always appreciated the true gentleness and kindness of his words over the years. In recent months he has helped me get through a break up and he is in a relationship.

 

The meeting itself. Off the bat I was shocked to realise that I was hugely physically attracted to him. During the meeting itself he seemed nervous (stroking his face a lot) and I don't feel that he ever loosened up completely. He was talking a lot about philosophical topics (everything from religion to human nature etc) which was more intense than I'd anticipated though he did loosen up and laugh more as time went on. But at times he went very quiet and I felt like there was some kind of elephant in the room. Interspersed we did have some sweet moments though.

 

He text his girlfriend a couple of times during the meeting, even taking his phone to the toilet with him, which I found a little odd. It was him that was pretty keen to meet after all. In any case he seems keen to meet up again.

 

Afterwards, I felt that he was more serious than I had anticipated and didn't get much of that gentle nature that I know is a huge part of him. He writes poetry and is very sensitive in a lot of ways. But: I felt that instead I was talking to quite a hardy dominant male, albeit a nice one! It was like meeting a different person in a way and I've been feeling hugely emotional all day. What gives?

Edited September 16, 2014 by Lovezen_30

[MoreCoffee]

I think his conscience and subconscious were going haywire. If he wants to meet up more, he may not be getting what he wants mentally/physically/emotionally with his current gal. The tough guy act usually comes out when we feel the most powerless. It can also surface when we're nervous. Also we stupidly think the puffed chest routine is what you gals want instead of relaxing and being ourselves.

[Lovezen_30]

I think his conscience and subconscious were going haywire. If he wants to meet up more, he may not be getting what he wants mentally/physically/emotionally with his current gal. The tough guy act usually comes out when we feel the most powerless. It can also surface when we're nervous. Also we stupidly think the puffed chest routine is what you gals want instead of relaxing and being ourselves.

 

Why would the meeting be an issue if we were just platonic friends though? It was him that kept saying we should go for it, so then to act quite distant at times was surprising. Surely if he felt in any way strange about it he wouldn't have bothered asking to meet? At one point I apologised for not meeting him years ago when he asked and he very curtly remarked he didn't even remember asking me (I don't believe this) - then later he was light-heartedly joking about me not meeting him...the curtness was also surprising as he has treated me with care and respect. He's always been a gentleman.

 

I know him better than most and vice versa and at one point I even wanted to say "c'mon, lighten up, it's me!?" but he seemed so tense I didn't want to risk it. I just don't get it - if he did feel 'powerless', why? I felt so comfortable straight away and am feeling a bit morose about it to be honest. It was also him that said there's no reason why we wouldn't get on well - but then he stuck his belongings right in between us from the get go, creating a barrier! In fact the more I think about this the stranger I find it.

 

Not really sure where to go next with this because I adore the man from the emails, but the person I met didn't match up as I thought. Should I just come right out and ask him how he felt it went?

[whichwayisup]

Because most of your communication has been online, you automatically made him into someone he may not be. You don't know his mannerisms, his moods, how he perceives stuff, how he reacts to stuff face to face. You had an expectation, perfection maybe? And he wasn't that. He is a real human being, with flaws and nerves. And he has a girlfriend too!

 

Anyway, since he is involved with someone and you know how you feel towards him, you need to limit your time with him as it's not fair to bond and spend time with him...You're single, he isn't. When you were with someone you didn't want to see him as it would complicate your life, so .. Don't complicate his life.

[whichwayisup]

Not really sure where to go next with this because I adore the man from the emails, but the person I met didn't match up as I thought. Should I just come right out and ask him how he felt it went?

 

You only know what he tells you. You don't "know" him that well. It's automatic that your mind filled in the blanks, hence your disappointment that he wasn't what you thought he was, how you built him up and perceived him to be.

 

Same probably goes for him and how he built you up in his head.

 

Online friendships are just that, online.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I wonder if, he likes you but is in a relationship that he feels a wee confined. Though he enjoys his GF.

 

Kind of stuck between his wants and what he has.

 

I am only going by what I have now. We were friends that grew to know each other deeply, and are now SM. It took a year to feel so trusting after bumping into each other. But after that, things kept on going like it would never end.

 

Maybe if you just allow friendship and not expect too much, he'll open up more and find what he wants.

[Lovezen_30]

Because most of your communication has been online, you automatically made him into someone he may not be. You don't know his mannerisms, his moods, how he perceives stuff, how he reacts to stuff face to face. You had an expectation, perfection maybe? And he wasn't that. He is a real human being, with flaws and nerves. And he has a girlfriend too!

 

Anyway, since he is involved with someone and you know how you feel towards him, you need to limit your time with him as it's not fair to bond and spend time with him...You're single, he isn't. When you were with someone you didn't want to see him as it would complicate your life, so .. Don't complicate his life.

 

I wasn't expecting perfection, I was fully ready to accept him warts and all. But I even spoke to him on the phone last week and he was as upbeat and lovely as his emails have always suggested. It was the curtness/distant manner that surprised me. Surely that can't just be how he is? It doesn't compute.

 

I realise that re the girlfriend and am about to limit contact for some months. But I would like to make sense of what just happened and know how to proceed with the friendship. Next time we speak we're clearly going to touch on "finally" (as he kept saying) meeting and how we thought it went...I would like to see him again at some point in the future, but I would like it to go differently if so.

[MoreCoffee]

He might not be in platonic mode with you in his head. That possibility combined juggling his feelings with his current gf = not acting like himself. You can help him be in the here and now though. A good woman once got me out of my own head by taking my hand, smiling and saying, "it's gonna be ok, you'll survive this." It worked. I laughed, exhaled and was focused on her and us.

[Lovezen_30]

You only know what he tells you. You don't "know" him that well. It's automatic that your mind filled in the blanks, hence your disappointment that he wasn't what you thought he was, how you built him up and perceived him to be.

 

Same probably goes for him and how he built you up in his head.

 

Online friendships are just that, online.

 

Should I possibly ask him what then - be totally honest and ask if there's anything that was different from what he expected?

[whichwayisup]

I wasn't expecting perfection, I was fully ready to accept him warts and all. But I even spoke to him on the phone last week and he was as upbeat and lovely as his emails have always suggested. It was the curtness/distant manner that surprised me. Surely that can't just be how he is? It doesn't compute.

 

I realise that re the girlfriend and am about to limit contact for some months. But I would like to make sense of what just happened and know how to proceed with the friendship. Next time we speak we're clearly going to touch on "finally" (as he kept saying) meeting and how we thought it went...I would like to see him again at some point in the future, but I would like it to go differently if so.

 

Keep the friendship casual and respect the fact he has a girlfriend. don't cross lines and boundaries that may make him (or you) uncomfortable. Allow him to lead the way in the direction the friendship is headed.

[whichwayisup]

Should I possibly ask him what then - be totally honest and ask if there's anything that was different from what he expected?

 

Why talk about it? Unless you are worried of losing the friendship, why discuss it? I just think you're thinking about it way too much for what it is. A friendship. Not a romantic interest, boyfriend point of view.

 

Is it possible that you've allowed yourself to become too emotionally attached to him?

[Lovezen_30]

Why talk about it? Unless you are worried of losing the friendship, why discuss it? I just think you're thinking about it way too much for what it is. A friendship. Not a romantic interest, boyfriend point of view.

 

Is it possible that you've allowed yourself to become too emotionally attached to him?

 

Well, seeing as I've considered him to be one of my best friends up until now, possibly! But I don't think that's one-sided. He has often expressed his love (albeit platonic) and has several affectionate pet names for me. Even in the last few months we were still sending each other very long correspondences.

 

And yeah, I am a bit worried about the state of the friendship after the meeting. Could be over-thinking it. It might be worth saying that I'm not looking for any kind of relationship with him...purely friendship. That's what I went into the meeting seeking. But I felt that while I was at ease & comfortable, he was a little awkward and in turn it made me feel tense.

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, how will you feel some day if he writes and wants to meet up with you so he can introduce you to his girlfriend.

[Lovezen_30]

Honestly, how will you feel some day if he writes and wants to meet up with you so he can introduce you to his girlfriend.

 

I don't know. If it happened now, I wouldn't feel great. But I'm planning to put some distance between us so that I can try and recover from whatever extra feelings have been coming into play. I hope that in time I could meet her if it's important to him.

[preraph]

That's the problem with getting your info from just online. It's only a small portion of the info. In this case, he maybe seems nicer and deeper online. That may even embarrass him a little in person. I recommend seeing him at least 5 times before you draw any conclusions, give him a chance to come out.

[Lovezen_30]

That's the problem with getting your info from just online. It's only a small portion of the info. In this case, he maybe seems nicer and deeper online. That may even embarrass him a little in person. I recommend seeing him at least 5 times before you draw any conclusions, give him a chance to come out.

 

At one point he said something unusually cold that surprised me. I raised an eyebrow and he also immediately realised, broke into a smile and said "Was that a bit cold?" - "Yes, just a little" I said. It wasn't related to me btw. There's no doubt in my mind that he is a very sympathetic and empathetic person in many ways, from very recent correspondences too. But maybe he does have little moods - perhaps he's more contrary than I'd realised!

 

He was just as deep about lots of topics but not about himself. As in, he didn't really tell me how he was doing. Surely who he is over the internet is just as much a part of who he is in person? He actually helped me through one bereavement more than anyone else because he had the kindest, most touching words to say. He says online "Always know I'm here when you need someone to talk to. It's always better for me to know that you are doing okay, than for you to bottle things up". Yet he didn't ask once say "how are you?" during that meeting.

 

Maybe we do just need a few more meetings to be at ease with the other. Unfortunately that is going to clash with his relationship, leaving things hanging in the balance a bit.

[Xiang]

Same thing happened to me. I was nervous, shy. I liked her and didn't know what to do or say. I get social anxiety in person, i can relax when it's about talking over the internet.

 

It is me, it's just that it will take a while for me to open up in person.

Who knows what is going on in his head? but i am sure you also just envisioned to much about him without really knowing him.

 

Over the net i pick my words wisely, in person i blurt out the first thing that pops in my head, often resulting in me seeming like a very cold person. A am rather cynical and a pessimist but kind at heart and loving.

 

I posted because i found the situation similar to mine.

Just talk about it with him, we sure don't know more than him, can be any number of things.

[OwMyEyeball]

Attractive, masculine, intellectual and sensitive.

 

Emotionally stable doesn't usually fit into that type of tool box.

 

If he is indeed sensitive then he very likely picked up on your intense attraction to him; no matter how much you tried to mask it. Pupil dilation usually gives it away instantly.

 

I'm guessing there was some very strong sexual energy in that room that neither of you was prepared for. That's a pretty powerful emotion to inject into the first encounter of a 10 year relations; platonic or not.

[Lovezen_30]

Same thing happened to me. I was nervous, shy. I liked her and didn't know what to do or say. I get social anxiety in person, i can relax when it's about talking over the internet.

 

It is me, it's just that it will take a while for me to open up in person.

Who knows what is going on in his head? but i am sure you also just envisioned to much about him without really knowing him.

 

Over the net i pick my words wisely, in person i blurt out the first thing that pops in my head, often resulting in me seeming like a very cold person. A am rather cynical and a pessimist but kind at heart and loving.

 

I posted because i found the situation similar to mine.

Just talk about it with him, we sure don't know more than him, can be any number of things.

 

I think this probably applies to my friend as well. I think I'm a bit scared to ask him what he thought the meet up...ie. if I suggest that he seemed nervous and he comes back saying that he was fine..well, that's just awkward.

 

What I found interesting about this was that years ago I also used to talk to another person that went to school with him. I was shocked because this person didn't like him/thought he was quite arrogant. In this instance I perceived a little of that for the first time ever, while acknowledging that it seemed like a front. I would like to get to the stage where he becomes more comfortable with me.

[Xiang]

He probably is, i am arrogant.

Aand most people don't admit to being nervous , but who knows.

"i'm to manly to be nervous".

Then again, social anxiety can keep him on the "defensive" most of the time, thus being rude in person. If he suffers from it like i do.

[Lovezen_30]

Attractive, masculine, intellectual and sensitive.

 

Emotionally stable doesn't usually fit into that type of tool box.

 

If he is indeed sensitive then he very likely picked up on your intense attraction to him; no matter how much you tried to mask it. Pupil dilation usually gives it away instantly.

 

I'm guessing there was some very strong sexual energy in that room that neither of you was prepared for. That's a pretty powerful emotion to inject into the first encounter of a 10 year relations; platonic or not.

 

Thanks OwMyEyeball. I've dropped you a pm, hope you don't mind!

[Xiang]

So you live far apart? SMall meetings might not be enough for what you want, to get to know him better.

Maybe a little trip/vacation ^^, just saying. You and friends +him, so it's not just the two of ya.

[Lovezen_30]

He probably is, i am arrogant.

Aand most people don't admit to being nervous , but who knows.

"i'm to manly to be nervous".

Then again, social anxiety can keep him on the "defensive" most of the time, thus being rude in person. If he suffers from it like i do.

 

Ha ha! At least you're honest. I don't mind a touch of arrogance though, it denotes confidence.

 

I remember he used to talk about being worried about having to talk to women and "learn how to flirt"...probably about three years ago he was saying this. I suppose I just assumed because we're friends, he wouldn't have the same issue with me!

[Lovezen_30]

So you live far apart? SMall meetings might not be enough for what you want, to get to know him better.

Maybe a little trip/vacation ^^, just saying. You and friends +him, so it's not just the two of ya.

 

Yeah. Well, he seemed quite sad because I won't be able to see him for a while (don't want to say why on here!). I agree something like that would be better...because as long as we're meeting for a few hours at a time, we're not going to be able to foster the in-person connection we possibly need to feel comfortable.

[whichwayisup]

At one point he said something unusually cold that surprised me. I raised an eyebrow and he also immediately realised, broke into a smile and said "Was that a bit cold?" - "Yes, just a little" I said. It wasn't related to me btw. There's no doubt in my mind that he is a very sympathetic and empathetic person in many ways, from very recent correspondences too. But maybe he does have little moods - perhaps he's more contrary than I'd realised!

 

He was just as deep about lots of topics but not about himself. As in, he didn't really tell me how he was doing. Surely who he is over the internet is just as much a part of who he is in person? He actually helped me through one bereavement more than anyone else because he had the kindest, most touching words to say. He says online "Always know I'm here when you need someone to talk to. It's always better for me to know that you are doing okay, than for you to bottle things up". Yet he didn't ask once say "how are you?" during that meeting.

 

Maybe we do just need a few more meetings to be at ease with the other. Unfortunately that is going to clash with his relationship, leaving things hanging in the balance a bit.

 

Everybody has their moods, their pissy times, their snarky or bitchy times. You seem to think he is perfection. Nice all the time and his shi.t doesn't stink. Building him up to be that is a huge let down for you. Nobody is "happy go lucky" 24/7.

 

Also, online or text or emails, you can go back and forth for hours, many times a day.

 

Face to face friendships - Nobody calls and speaks that many times a day or spends 2 hours together every other hour etc..

 

Fact is, there IS a difference between online friendships and offline friendships.