The case against "soul mates"

[MuddyRock]

Interesting study. Might make someone rethink their MM/MW.

Im definitely in the camp that thinks relationships take effort.

 

https://www.yahoo.com/health/the-case-against-soul-mates-93440461633.html

[DKT3]

Yeah, that whole soul mate business is the stuff of fairy tales a place were a pot of gold ends rainbows and unicorns run free.

 

Being ones soul mate should mean, at most you have minor disagreements such as where to eat and who changed the last crappy diaper.

 

Like your article stated when you buy into that business the disappointments are much greater. So often (moreso in affair) the relationship is grounded in fantasy. Doing so makes it more likely one will ignore or excuse issues.

 

Then once your feet hit the grass your like who the f*ck is this azzhole.

[Leigh 87]

They don't always need effort in order to bring about the crazy in love factor.

 

My friend and her bf were head over heels and very much into one another from day ONE.

 

They ended up being very compatible.

 

Everything just fell into place, they never had any real doubts about whether or not they met the "one".

 

Where as my relationships... We were crazy for each other initially but then we went through a hard time due to our professional and personal lives - factors outside our relationships made us have to both work HARD in order to not let outside factors ruin what we "had" together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Be jealous because.. some people really do just meet and fall madly in love, without having to... compromise on passion in order to get stability.

[kjohn]

I do somewhat believe in the notion of soul mates, but I definitely do not believe at all that being with your soul mate, automatically means that your relationship will be easy and completely without struggle.

 

Every relationship takes work and constant attention or it will be at risk of fizzling out.

 

Every relationship sees disagreement and struggle at some point. That's just life.

 

If you truly believe that somebody is your soul mate and your are meant to be with this person, you will do the work required to keep your relationship strong and resolve any conflicts that come along.

 

If you use the "excuse" of finding your soul mate as a justification for cheating, you are just trying to romanticize and rationalize behavior that you know is wrong by clinging to a socially acceptable cliche' to divert attention away from the fact that you cheated.

[Emilia]

That's because people don't understand that conflicts are good for relationships, as long as you know how to resolve them. Some anger is a good thing and successful resolution brings the two of you closer.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Peeps are funny about SM. Most don't know what one is. I tell peeps here I have my very own SM, as she has me as her very own as well.

 

To put it in terms...

 

Full trust

No expectations, or demands... no Boundaries

Completely open bout ourselves and how we share, on a daily basis.

Full understanding by being open about ones passions, beliefs and values.

Compatibility with the aforementioned

Love

 

With all that, you can appreciate what you have from each other.

 

My SM and I appreciate each other every day as if the first day of meeting each other... free from emotional ties to come and do what we please.

 

When we found love becoming deeper and deeper, we shared the same path every step of the way. Even when love's attachment tugs at us so deeply, we accept what ever happens, happens... but know as long as we keep to how we started, we'll never ever part. As there is no reason to.

 

Sure many will think, open... how open are you... flings, and a never ending yo yo relationship??? Being open does not mean we want to be open in a completely free relationship. Leaving the doors wide open allows freedom, but we see no reason to go outside and search for something we already have. We allow our true feelings be the only thing that binds us, as our hearts are one.

 

There is nothing we cannot talk about, she knows me in every way, as if my body and being is hers, and visa versa.

 

I think being in an LDR allows such a thing to happen more than being face to face when allowing a relationship to grow.

 

I too gave up long ago about SM relationships. Especially knowing I am an odd ball that will never be truly understood. Gosh, when it hit me, I felt so overwhelmed by it. No words could describe what I felt then and now. As I am still sending letters to my SM about those feelings everyday. Its been the best 3+ years and counting I have ever had with any one, ever.

[denise_xo]

Yeah, that whole soul mate business is the stuff of fairy tales a place were a pot of gold ends rainbows and unicorns run free.

 

Haven't clicked on the link but definitely agree with this. There's no such thing as soul mates IMO. I find it useful to talk about degrees of compatibility in different areas (finance, communication, life goals, sex). That's what keeps you going in the long run, but of course it sounds much less exciting.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Haven't clicked on the link but definitely agree with this. There's no such thing as soul mates IMO. I find it useful to talk about degrees of compatibility in different areas (finance, communication, life goals, sex). That's what keeps you going in the long run, but of course it sounds much less exciting.

 

That sounds so limited to me.... well, now that I have a SM, I can say that.

 

As for excitement... when so far apart, someone may think a lack of interest will happen. Mainly for physical contact, most peeps can imagine what they want for physical contact, but cannot imagine what the other wants. Once you can express what really matters physically and emotionally, the both of you can find exciting things to do for each other that require interaction between touch and allowing the other to guide you.

 

In essence your doing what could be done in person. There are many other things to make the distance less burdensome. But I am not going to give all my secrets as they are for my SM.

 

One hint, is never let your imagination go stagnant, and enjoy learning every detail of your partner both physically and emotionally. Not that you will bend her to your needs, but guide her into allowing for something she has never tried or thought about. No, I do not mean extremes, something playful, something intimate, something that you both share or will find that can be shared between you both in commonality.

 

A soul mate is in tune to everything you are as much as you are to them. Allowing yourselves to wear the same skin so to speak. Trust that goes beyond the norm.

 

Too many place physical attraction and dependency for contact to override how love is rooted. So trust is as shallow as ones heart. To put deep meaning first in a relationship allows both to find a commonality or difference. You can have differences, as long as you accept them both ways. Some differences are too limiting for an SM relationship. So you may feel you have a SM relationship, when all you have is a better than average one.

 

SM do exist... just finding a true SM is the hardest thing in life. It took me a great deal of time, and literally fell in my lap. All I could do is deny for the first year of knowing each other. I could not have dreamed such a relationship under the best of my abilities. But with all the copies of correspondence that we have collected, It would make a love story worth watching. As no other story captures what love is from conception when doubts are rampant, to letting go of what holds you back, and the filling of ones heart to its deepest depths.

 

We did not search or want any of what we have found, it just grabbed us and would not let go.

Edited September 17, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[Emilia]

We did not search or want any of what we have found, it just grabbed us and would not let go.

You were speaking of no boundaries, no expecations, no demands. That sounds like codependency to me. You want to be really careful you retain your own identity.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

You were speaking of no boundaries, no expecations, no demands. That sounds like codependency to me. You want to be really careful you retain your own identity.

 

We are both strong peeps. There is nothing codependent about us. If anyone here has followed me, which I doubt by my actions. I am a tough nut to crack because I hide in shyness.

 

She is as hard headed as they come, so if anything we make mutual agreements to allow for accepting things differently.

 

We are both independent peeps from two different regions both in lifestyles and nationality. None of us have an addiction, nor are battling emotional issues. What issues we were able to work out together were from past relationships that hid in the deepest corners so to speak.

 

Believe what you will, I am OK with it, and I have said all I can say.

[Meatballsmom]

I never had any fantasies of finding a soul mate. Especially after being in a 20 year marriage with an alcoholic and mentally abusive Ex.

 

 

Although neither my partner or I claim each other as soul mates, our 20 relationship is very close to it.

 

 

And to be honest, it was something I just fell into.

[mightycpa]

I think being in an LDR allows such a thing to happen more than being face to face when allowing a relationship to grow.

 

Yeah, because you don't have to face a lot of the day-to-day **** that crops up to let you know that this person ISN'T your soulmate.

 

If actually being there doesn't count for much with you, then sure, it is a lot easier to get along with somebody who is rarely around, and when they are, not for long.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

Yeah, because you don't have to face a lot of the day-to-day **** that crops up to let you know that this person ISN'T your soulmate.

 

If actually being there doesn't count for much with you, then sure, it is a lot easier to get along with somebody who is rarely around, and when they are, not for long.

 

Believe me we share a lot... she understands my issues at home, and I do with her.

 

As for compatibility between each other... I purposefully do a check with her time to time. Sometimes I get a real telling, other times I create worries. Since I do not fear confrontation with her. And believe me she is a hot head with a bloody potty mouth. I never push her to her limits, but we do make time to settle disagreements.

 

Now I know her through and through... so squabbles about daily routine and such should be of normalcy as peeps have pet peeves. Her pet peeve with me is my meandering ways of explaining things. Yet she loves it. So that is as far as I am willing to explain my relationship. I should not make my private life into a public display for naysayers. I was willing to show that there are two sides of the coin, just SM relationships are at the opposite end of the spectrum. Most barely see a rainbow from white light, SM relationships are full spectrum. Sometimes they are best seen with your eyes shut, because you are blinded by the light you are in.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I'm not saying I haven't experienced an intense belonging to a person. I've done that both with partners and in platonic friendships. But I refuse to conceptualise that as 'soul mates' where some kind of 'fate' intended us to be together. I think we are drawn to others for a whole range of different reasons, some of them unhealthy, such as someone with a lack of self confidence being drawn to someone who constantly provides them with affirmation. Then, in cases where a couple is compatible in range of ways, they turn that into a relationship which works well. Personally, I find that pretty exciting, and my comment on it not being exciting is a general one - I've met several people who cling to the soul mate idea because they can't image life without it. I don't think that's a good reason to stick to it.

 

I don't cling to the concept, just find it easy to express through simple terms peeps are familiar with.

 

I think many believe SM are gushing love at every seem. They have no reality as it all revolves around themselves.

 

Fate did bring us together. I could describe what i have explained fragments in and about replies in other topics. All I know is if we met face to face, we would have passed each other up. As for our lives, we'd feel great loss in parting, as if a part of us died. But would not be lost by the hurt. More in acceptance that even though we have gone separate ways, there be shared pieces of us taken with the other. So in essence we never will part.

 

So, until there is a less than SM definition, I am stuck with SM as what I have, as the definition of SM to me is more realistic. As if your mate is a twin of you. Twins may share likeness but they have their own traits different to the other. Yet they link in such a way. Even though I been with my SM for over 3+ years, our connex feels so much different than anything before. Like we have had more years between us than what we can account for. It goes into a spiritual feeling.

 

I don't need to contact her every day, yet feel her connex with me, and visa versa. We are not obsessive, nor needy... and allow what ever happens to happen, as the only control you have in life is over yourself. We just feel something so deep without any addictions or emotional issues to pull us together.

 

To put it simply the first day of loving her was wonderful, each year of loving her has been even more so. She feels the same as I do in every way.

[Gloria25]

I'm sorry, but I don't believe in the whole "soul mate" thing...

 

I mean, think of all the people who die before they can meet a mate? What a bout "Old Maids"? What about nuns, priests, etc? Where they destined to be alone? Then what do we call them? Call them "not-eligible-for-a-soulmate"?

 

Then, if we were only meant to be comparable with ONE person...gosh darn, how in the world do you know if/when/how you've ever met that person and/or how to meet that person?

 

The paths designed for is in life (if you believe in a Higher Power) plus our ability to choose makes life complex enough. To say that how your life is molded is how you're gonna meet a "soul-mate" is just logically impossible if you ask me.

 

Yes, we were meant to be with someone, but IMO, that's just like how where we live(ed), work(ed), etc. was already envisioned/planed by a Higher Power. What stumps me is how do we have free will - yet that Higher Power knows how/where/when/why we end up where we end up....

[Got it]

No I don't believe in soul mates. If one just thinks statistically, the chance that if one only has one or two potential soul mates, with the world population the chances of one actually connecting with that person would be slim to none!

 

So then if you open that up, and say one has a much higher ratio of you to potential soul mate connections, well then that number would need to be so high what does "soul mate" actually mean and/or make it unique.

 

I think we are compatible with many different people and will love, or have the potential to love, many people at different levels. I don't think this minimizes one's love for their significant other.

 

It's just simple statistics.

[Emilia]

We are both strong peeps. There is nothing codependent about us. If anyone here has followed me, which I doubt by my actions. I am a tough nut to crack because I hide in shyness.

 

She is as hard headed as they come, so if anything we make mutual agreements to allow for accepting things differently.

 

We are both independent peeps from two different regions both in lifestyles and nationality. None of us have an addiction, nor are battling emotional issues. What issues we were able to work out together were from past relationships that hid in the deepest corners so to speak.

 

Believe what you will, I am OK with it, and I have said all I can say.

 

So then you do draw boundaries and do have expectations.

[RonaldS]

The clinical term for 'soulmates' is 'severe hyper-codependency'.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

So then you do draw boundaries and do have expectations.

 

All relationships do if you are willing to identify issues and accept them.

 

Saying we have not boundaries means, your hearts are open, and nothing will stop us from ever loosing our love for each other.

 

I will state, if you ignore or hide behind past issues such as physical abuse, there is no defining expectations or boundaries being met.

 

Not that you are told not to be abusive, it is the triggers that you must take in account. Not knowing the triggers or ignoring them will cause issues in the relationship. So with someone who you are deeply connected to will share their deepest feelings good or bad for you to understand.

 

The boundaries you have pointed to, are not boundaries once fully understood. They are only boundaries when left in isolation.

 

Expectations... that is another odd word. We expect peeps to be uniquely different. Yet we have difficulty in understanding differences.

 

Once we have understandings, our expectations are in continually sharing what we can. So the expectations most peeps think about are material. Ours is open to what ever and seem immaterial.

 

How many peeps go into a relationship expecting nothing but sharing who they are and give love in the deepest level, and not worry about the outcome???

 

Very few, and the way I see it there is no codependency.I feel like I am the only one. So in final words about this, I don't expect you or others to understand that your relationships seem more codependent than ever with all the expectations and boundaries. Just look at the peeps who are shattered during a falling out.

[mightycpa]

I suppose that a question arises:

 

Can the soulmate relationship be a one-way street? Can you feel that way, interact that way, know somebody that way, and they cannot/will not reciprocate?

 

From how the SM relationship is described, it seems possible.

[carhill]

Good point and duly noted from numerous interactions with MW's, in that they 'let it happen', not to be confused with 'invested in it', helping make the case against soul mates, though I surely would have argued passionately against that case at the time. Life and experience can be valuable teachers.

 

OTOH, my best friend and I have always 'gotten' each other, essentially from the beginning nearly 30 years ago, and continue to. We 'fit' in a way which, barring some unforeseen circumstance or by death, will keep us in each other's lives indefinitely.

 

So, I won't go as far as to say soul mates are hokum but IME it's been quite nebulous where sex and emotions have been involved in romantic encounters throughout life. I tend to discount it now and note the progression to that place throughout life. If that perspective leaves me a bit more cynical about love and romance, accepted.

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

I suppose that a question arises:

 

Can the soulmate relationship be a one-way street? Can you feel that way, interact that way, know somebody that way, and they cannot/will not reciprocate?

 

From how the SM relationship is described, it seems possible.

 

Reciprocate in what way... everything or just one thing in particular in a relationship.

 

For my SM we are unable to be together. So there is a great deal we miss out on a day. Yet we find ways to share in various ways.

 

As for emotions everyone has their own set and rarely gets completely understood even with the person right in front of them. We are able to exchange our emotions from how we say things or see each other. She can tell when things are not good as well as I. Just as well as being with each other in person.

 

Values between us are very much the same, they have to be, as any differences would cause conflict.

 

It think SM definition should be not looked at as a mirror of everything you are projected into a mate. It should be looked at as a melding of two individuals that live in harmony. Nothing perfectly mirrored yet accepted.

 

We share everything everyone else feels emotionally in a relationship in regards to wants, desires, pleasures and sadness with each other. Sometimes needy come into play because we miss each other. Though clingy never has been part of our relationship. Though showing too much by being constantly around, may be seen as clingy. Just when you have a week of not being able to share contact together through IM, you tend to make up lost time, by extending out so to speak. It does not happen all the time, just when things have to change pace for unexpected slowdown, you don't want what was shared to be a poof moment.

 

Until I grasp what you mean by a lack of reciprocation, I see our SM relationship more like any other but in a more enlightening way, very comfy and pleasurable. I don't think our extreme LDR would survive without such a relationship. Though if by chance we have to move on in life, I would not feel lost or hurt because we have shared everything we can between each other. More than most during a lifetime. So in our wee way, we have already said our goodbyes knowing we understand things between each other and accept that we cannot control life around us. So every day we have together is special and never taken lightly.

 

If we find the other had died, it would be felt deeply as a great loss. We don't think about it, as there is too much to live for and appreciate. So again, I have no concept or feel any comparison with a lack reciprocation.

Edited September 18, 2014 by sdrawkcaB ssA

[thefooloftheyear]

My daughter is my soul mate....no doubt....Everyone else are just horny strangers...

 

TFY

[ktya]

I used to beleive in soulmates.

 

Until I was in a very long term relationship (~9 years).

 

Dont anymore.

 

Reason? Because people change. I hate to feel like I'm a jaded person but now I go into every relationship with the knowledge that it could end and being completely OK with that.

 

That same girl who is head over heels for you who feels like your soulmate, after a few years, can lose all connection with you and end up being a practical roommate.

 

I guess it's possible to meet that someone, put in no effort or compromise for decades and still love eachother like the first day you met. Just highly improbable.

[Got it]

I used to beleive in soulmates.

 

Until I was in a very long term relationship (~9 years).

 

Dont anymore.

 

Reason? Because people change. I hate to feel like I'm a jaded person but now I go into every relationship with the knowledge that it could end and being completely OK with that.

 

That same girl who is head over heels for you who feels like your soulmate, after a few years, can lose all connection with you and end up being a practical roommate.

 

I guess it's possible to meet that someone, put in no effort or compromise for decades and still love eachother like the first day you met. Just highly improbable.

 

No, that is impossible and the fantasy/myth about "soul mates" "living happily ever after", etc.

 

People DO change. There is no way to stop that. We all change over time. We see the world differently, we process things differently, our prioritizes change. There is no way that any relationship, romantic, platonic, or familial that can sustain when no nurturing or development is being done. It will just starve to death.