honest v diplomatic

[d0nnivain]

My cousin (54M) is dating a lovely woman (43F) who is a great match for him. They have been together almost 2 years. However he's twice divorced & has said he will never remarry but apparently hasn't gotten around to telling her that.

 

She & I are friendly. I really do like her & she's perfect for him.

 

Periodically she asks me if I think he'll get married again. I try to be diplomatic because I don't think it's my place to say "no".

 

She has gained a lot of weight (at least 75 lbs) since they have been together. She previously lost about 120 lbs before they got together. He has made some nasty remarks about her weight out of her hearing but within my earshot. I always reprimand him for the comments.

 

With the holidays coming, I will be spending more time with them. Any advice?

[carhill]

I'd stay out of it.

 

Triangulation abyssal.

 

He's my age and she's 43. They know how to prosecute a relationship, or should.

[mightycpa]

You should talk to the cousin. If he knows what she wants, but hasn't told her, then he may deserve another of your reprimands.

 

If she's not listening, then that's another thing altogether.

 

In the end, you have to decide what means more to you - family loyalty and harmony, or helping an unwitting victim.

 

Or, you could get your husband to do the dirty work, stage an inadvertent blurt-out or something like that.

[Lani]

I vote for staying out of it.

 

If she asks you for advice or information politely decline to discuss their relationship. If you need to then tell her you've come across some trouble recently and that you don't want to talk to people about their relationships anymore.

It's a little lie, but sometimes these ones are needed to avoid suspicion

[Ronni_W]

They've been together 2 years...she already knows where he stands on the issue. My guess is that she's consciously or unconsciously looking for others to support her false hope that he's going to change his mind about getting married for a third time.

 

Periodically she asks me if I think he'll get married again.

The next time that happens, say to her, directly, "Pollyanna, if you don't know that answer by now then you had better find it out for yourself, from him...don't you think? In any case, what *I* think about it is completely irrelevant and useless to what may or may not actually happen...so, please don't ask me again, would you?"

 

He has made some nasty remarks about her weight out of her hearing but within my earshot.

I would ask him if he realizes what a passive-aggressive jerk and wuss he is. If he's nasty at her behind her back, then he ought to just get out of the relationship...or find some courage to honestly and openly address, with her, all his concerns and problems and issues.

[Toodaloo]

If you tell her what he has been saying that makes you the "cause" of her upset and turns his behavior into your "fault"... Thats not good. Its not your problem and certainly not your fault so you can not let yourself get into a position where it does become your problem or your fault!

 

He needs to talk about it with his partner. Personally I would encourage him to do so as it sounds as though he is stringing her along.

 

The only thing I would do is check that she is ok regarding her weight as that is a lot to put on in 2 years. Is it going on because she is miserable and comfort eating? Has she got health problems that are causing it. You can do this in a nice way. You are a good person so I don't need to tell you how. That way she can address her weight on her own terms.

[salparadise]

The next time that happens, say to her, directly, "Pollyanna, if you don't know that answer by now then you had better find it out for yourself, from him...don't you think?

 

^^^ This!

 

She needs to know the answer if marriage is important to her, but it's not your place to speak for him. Encouraging her to address it with him is the best you can do without inserting yourself into the middle of it in my opinion. I think it's amazing that at two years in she doesn't have a clue. It isn't right for him to keep her in the dark if he knows it's never going to happen. Her weight gain doesn't figure into your decision.

[kjohn]

Ronni_W's response for her is perfect!

 

A little advice based on personal experience...

 

I am somewhat in her shoes in that I am 4 years into a relationship and still don't know whether or not it will ever end in marriage, but I knew that coming in. My BF is also twice divorced and is really just not sure if he ever wants to marry again. He was honest with me about that and I accepted it, so we will just see what the future holds.

 

That being said, I was having dinner one evening with his sister and his SIL and the subject of marriage came up. They asked me if it was something I wanted. I said that I do, but it is not a deal breaker.

 

The SIL felt the need to say…very bluntly and with a complete lack of emotion…"Well he told me and [his brother] that he WILL NEVER get married again."

 

It was said so abruptly that it caught me off guard and I wound up fighting back tears for the next few minutes. Although it was very likely misplaced I wound up feeling angry with the SIL.

 

Don't put yourself in the position to deliver the news to the GF and risk her shooting the messenger and getting mad at you. Direct her back to her BF where she should be getting the answer from.