How long was your longest relationship?

[dg2501]

I'm starting to think this question has been the deal breaker with all the women I've met in the last year. Apparently, when you're in your thirties and your longest relationship was six months, women see you as having the plague.

Ladies, what are your thoughts on this?

[me85]

If I met a guy in his 30's who's longest RS with a woman was 6 months I'd obviously immediately assume he was afraid to commit.

 

Sure, the guy could have a run of really bad luck with RSs buuuut...naaaaa...still wouldn't risk getting involved with him.

 

Sorry. )=

 

The longest RS I was ever in was from when I was 21yo-24yo, so 3 years. Then 2 1/2 years...then 2 years. I'm a LTR kinda gal but hey...none of mine lasted either. I should cut you some slack because the length of time in a RS is only so important, I guess. No matter how long or short they were, they still didn't work out for us for whatever reason.

 

Do you have any idea why yours didn't?

[somedude81]

Ha ha, you sound just like me dg2501.

 

I'm 33 and my longest relationship was six months.

 

me85 does bring up a good point that women will think something is wrong with you.

 

In my case it was not about being afraid of commitment, but just being unlucky in love. Though I don't know how many other women will understand that.

[dg2501]

Two times I had to move cross country; was cheat on once; and the most recent one she moved due to her career.

[Phoe]

I've personally never put any importance in length because all people can have unique personal reasons for why those relationships ended, reasons that were beyond their control that are not red flags.

 

9 months for me. Past relationships either cheated on me or dumped me before that time.

[me85]

Well, hey...there you go. If a girl asks you what's the longest RS you've ever been in (I don't recall asking these types questions with my exes but we talked about it so maybe I did LOL) then just explain why so short.

 

If I was into you, I would care less about your past. I'd just be happy to be a part of your present and maybe even a big part of your future. That would be where my mind was. I say I'd be cautious with a guy in his 30's who's longest RS was like 6 months...but who am I trying to fool?? I've never hesitated when it came to love. I stupidly dove in head first every time. Often in very shallow water.

[Michelle ma Belle]

As a woman, those would be my sentiments as well.

 

Having said that, as much as it may be a red flag for me initially, I do allow room for exceptions since there are many contributing factors that can end relationships sooner than planned.

 

It would be unfair for me to judge so harshly JUST on the number of months or years and nothing more.

 

As for my longest relationship, it would have been with my ex husband. We were together for a total of 20 years.

[ja123]

My sentiments echo Michelle's.

 

 

My concern with getting involved with a guy who's never had an LTR would be that he doesn't know how romantic love/passion can change into attachment/companionate love and that he'll bail when the initial sparks die down, as is normal in an LTR.

 

 

I've had 2 LTRs (live-in): 4.5 years in my twenties, and 8.5 years in my thirties.

[juicygirl]

I don't talk about past relationships with new partners. I don't wanna know all the details and judge someone of a relationship I wasn't in.However, if a guy told me his longest relationship was 6 months and his 30+(Alarm bells go off), I'm thinking he has commitment issues, he likes the chase and honey moon period then gets bored. If it's genuinely none of these issues maybe stretch the truth a little bit.

[irc333]

Well, hey...there you go. If a girl asks you what's the longest RS you've ever been in (I don't recall asking these types questions with my exes but we talked about it so maybe I did LOL) then just explain why so short.

 

If I was into you, I would care less about your past. I'd just be happy to be a part of your present and maybe even a big part of your future. That would be where my mind was. I say I'd be cautious with a guy in his 30's who's longest RS was like 6 months...but who am I trying to fool?? I've never hesitated when it came to love. I stupidly dove in head first every time. Often in very shallow water.

 

I just told them, "I seem to keep meeting nut jobs" or some character flaw (the woman's too shallow, a pushy woman, a bossy woman, etc) which was typically true that would make them undatable as the reason it didn't last long which is typically true. It's kind of sad if the majority consensus of women actually feel this to be a deal breaker.

 

Funny, I mentioned in the other thread how many divorces/break ups does a person have to have in order for it to be a deal breaker? We can play THAT card, too.

 

Sure, you've had a 5 boyfriends/girlfriends for 2 years a piece at 10 years length. Yep..someone could slap an "L" for loser on that person, too. (Just being facetious there.) We can't be judging IMMEDIATELY for that, too.

[dg2501]

My sentiments echo Michelle's.

 

 

My concern with getting involved with a guy who's never had an LTR would be that he doesn't know how romantic love/passion can change into attachment/companionate love and that he'll bail when the initial sparks die down, as is normal ...

 

That's a pretty specious assumption. I've actually told every one that asked, but it seems to me that they don't care what the reason(s) may be, the number trumps everything.

[Haydn]

5 years. (Exhale).......

[Demonica]

mine was 3.5 years...

[somedude81]

My sentiments echo Michelle's.

 

 

My concern with getting involved with a guy who's never had an LTR would be that he doesn't know how romantic love/passion can change into attachment/companionate love and that he'll bail when the initial sparks die down, as is normal in an LTR.

 

 

I've had 2 LTRs (live-in): 4.5 years in my twenties, and 8.5 years in my thirties.

 

What if the guys relationship failed because the women he dated kept bailing at the six month mark?

 

It's not possible to know how the other person will handle the transition. In my case, my ex bailed at six months.

[gaius]

2 years! As far as I know not one of my ex's have gone on to get married so I'm not sure the issue is with me.

[oberkeat]

I don't talk about past relationships with new partners. I don't wanna know all the details and judge someone of a relationship I wasn't in.

 

I second that. I don't discuss my previous relationships ever. I leave them in the past where they belong.

[d0nnivain]

In your 30s 6 months is pretty short. I'd want to know why.

[irc333]

Right, no one can do anything about being dumped for no reason *shrug*

 

 

What if the guys relationship failed because the women he dated kept bailing at the six month mark?

 

It's not possible to know how the other person will handle the transition. In my case, my ex bailed at six months.

[Atticus9292012]

I don't care about the length as long as they've been in one. I was with my ex husband for 5 years.

[cluelessme]

That's impressive! And props to you man. My longest was 2 and a half years, and it was all a waste! I wish it only lasted six months.... lol

[ja123]

I just told them, "I seem to keep meeting nut jobs" or some character flaw (the woman's too shallow, a pushy woman, a bossy woman, etc) which was typically true that would make them undatable as the reason it didn't last long which is typically true. It's kind of sad if the majority consensus of women actually feel this to be a deal breaker.

 

 

Don't say that. If you tell all the new ladies that you only dated nut-jobs, then they're going to think something is way off with your people-picker or that you're the nut-job. It doesn't put you in a good light, and she'll be thinking, "I guess he'll think I'm a nut-job, too."

 

 

You need to find a way to frame things in a more positive light that is respectful. Imagine applying for a job and you walk into the interview and trash all your old bosses, hunh? Do you think the potential new boss is going to want to give you a chance?

 

That's a pretty specious assumption. I've actually told every one that asked, but it seems to me that they don't care what the reason(s) may be, the number trumps everything.

 

Like Michelle said there are exceptions. I am interested in the reason(s) someone hasn't been in an LTR. So, it's not just the number for me, as you assume.

 

 

For me, though, if someone hasn't been through all the boring and difficult parts of an LTR, then I am concerned that he might bail when the going gets "blah". Hopefully, if we're proactive together as a team, then we can still keep things somewhat fresh. It doesn't necessarily mean that he will bail, if he just didn't have the opportunity to experience an LTR, so it's not like I wouldn't investigate and give him a chance; but, I would certainly have my guard up for a while until I felt he could commit.

 

 

Also, I dated someone 13 years younger and he seemed to be intimidated that I had an 8-year LTR. I shaved the back of his neck and he said I must have had the practice over 8 years. It wasn't really a joke, but more of a jealousy thing. That's not to say every guy would react the same, though.

 

 

But, it makes me wonder if I'd feel more comfortable with someone who has his own story with LTRs and relationships just so that I don't feel I don't have to hide my own story or life-experience. It'd be like, "Yeah, we both bought the t-shirts before, eh, babe. So let's throw them out, hey? What do you say?" And we'd laugh.

 

 

What if the guys relationship failed because the women he dated kept bailing at the six month mark?

 

It's not possible to know how the other person will handle the transition. In my case, my ex bailed at six months.

 

 

This is a valid reason, amongst many I'm sure. The girl could've moved out of town. The guy could've been in grad school and working 2 jobs and wasn't in the head-space to commit at the time, etc. Taking care of a sick family member, travel, etc. etc.

 

I think the important thing is to frame it positively. "Now before you think that I can't commit (say with a charming smile), let me just say that it was a conscious decision at the time due to x,y,z, reason (no need to get into major details) but now I'm in the place where I'm open for something serious."

 

 

What do you think?

[mightycpa]

Right, no one can do anything about being dumped for no reason *shrug*

 

Once or twice, maybe. Ten or twelve times? It makes a difference.

 

A guy can be reasonably expected to have a serious girlfriend anywhere from the age of say 16. So if you're 36, that's 20 years worth of time to be tied down.

 

Half of that time in 5 committed relationships feels about normal. Half of that time in 20 committed relationships feels like failure. Half of that time in 1 committed relationship feels like inexperience. So in my mind, there is more than "how long is your longest" There are lots of things to consider:

 

Ever felt heartbreak? How long ago? How many times?

 

How many LTR's... more probably means more relevant experience, less problems and mistakes to make with me.

 

How many times dumped? How many times dumper? Learn any lessons?

 

There are just so many things that can inform us about a person's maturity in the relationship arena. It's good to know.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Some people have been in relationships that should have ended at six months, yet for fear of being alone or whatever reason they drag it out way past their expiry date and it ends up being toxic. Consider yourself lucky.

 

 

If you have told me that you're longest relationship was only six months I wouldn't judge you for that. I would think that that was commendable I would immediately think that perhaps you're just looking for the right girl. I was single for more than 11 years. There were a handful of men that might think that that was a bit odd and would probably prefer someone that was more "experienced" but for the most part they didn't care, in fact, I had more respect for it. Perhaps there is a double standard when it comes for long term single men as opposed to long term single woman. Long term single woman get less disrespect it seems for being single for a lot longer, but if a guy has only got to his mid thirties with only a ' six month" relationship he's suddenly not as desirable? where's the logic in that? That doesn't seem fair.

 

 

I would go to a counsellor with this " shame based illusion" that " no woman will want you because of your six month stint" because that's what it is, pent up shame. The biggest turn on to a lady, is a man who isn't embarrassed about himself and loves himself regardless he's had a string of ladies or one real good one. Most healthy minded woman, wouldn't care so long as you're into the lady you're with. Think of all the amazing things you've accomplished when you've been single. Travelling is a lot more fun when you're on your own sometimes!

 

 

I would be more concerned if you've had a long list of woman under your belt than just one... but that's me personally.

 

 

Some people get a job not based on their skill set on their resume but their attitude. If you've got a positive attitude, chances are landing a good quality girl is more positive for you

 

 

Good luck! work on your smile and charm!

[Teraskas]

Unfortunately, my 2 'long term' relationships were 6 months and 4 months.

They ended because both cheated on me. It had nothing to do with commitment issues on my end, trust me lol.

If anything, I welcomed commitment (and still do.)

I guess unlucky in love would be a more fitting description.

[irc333]

Unfortunately, my 2 'long term' relationships were 6 months and 4 months.

They ended because both cheated on me.

 

My "Most women I dated were nut jobs" was just an example, so perhaps this is a better one. lol

 

Being cheated on is a pretty good response. Of course, I get a kick out of how people think there's something wrong with YOU because they cheated on YOU.

 

Sounds like a lose/lose situation here.

 

Sadly, people are always coming up with reasons to dismiss those for dating purposes anyhow. So those people can be a bit flaky as well. The last woman I dated was only 2 months. (Yes, not long, and I was really banking on her to be an LTR, so it was disappointing that it barely went past the 2 month mark).

 

She was not really a mature person when it came to relationships. Wasn't a good communicator and in lieu of a better word than "Nut job", I will refer to her as "Unstable" to the next woman I talk to SHOULD she ever ask.

 

Though she had been in relationships with 5 different men the past decade....they were pretty much all disrespectful losers. Her ex-husband was unemployed while she worked as as school teacher, he abused her...yes, he abused the person bringing home the bacon. That was 10 years ago.

 

Other men in her life followed the same pattern of behavior. If they weren't abusive, they cheated. The last two of which, oddly, she had long dist. relationships with (met them here in my area through social circles, but lived states away) One of them, also rather underemployed, suggested he move from where he lived up north (with his parents) and live with her.

 

His agenda was to mooch off of her. She got out of that quickly as she's been through that in her first marriage at the age of 19.

 

But there were a lot of great qualities I liked about her, she was funny, we got our same jokes, witty, highly intelligent, cute, good morals, etc. Just a bad communicator and unstable. Was also paranoid of her next relationship turning into the same thing, it was affecting our relationship, too.

 

 

I don't understand this whole "Put the blame on the person for picking the 'wrong people', I never understood it, because it's something that can't be controlled". You don't know if they are WRONG for you until you've dated them...yes? Exactly.