Judging a person for success?

[DazedandConfused8]

I'm pretty special and accomplished for my age. I almost have an MA, I own my car, own my house, have a good job that makes good money, and would say overall I'm pretty well off. I'm in my mid-20s.

 

So one of my problems is that I judge women I'm talking to based on some of these attributes. I know I got where I am through a lot of hard work and sacrifice, but I can't help but notice when someone who's around my age is:

 

- Still finishing their undergrad degree

- Doesn't have a car

- Lives with their parents

- Is working a minimum wage job

 

... And especially has no passion/motivation/desire to better themselves. (Or they do but claim to be constantly sidelined because they're sick/busy/other excuses.)

 

Would you say I'm overreacting in my judgment? To be clear, I'm not saying I won't date them, but just that I notice that their work ethic and commitment level is different.

 

What do you think?

[Jules Dash]

You seem to be exceptional. An exception to the rule. If you notice others not being as much of an exception as you, they will pick up on it and may view you as not compatible with them so be careful.

[d0nnivain]

It's OK to want to date people on the same page as you. At your age, I had many of the same accomplishments & had no time for people who had no ambition. It's about comparability.

 

While their choices are valid for them, you don't have to accept those choices if they don't work for you. It doesn't make their choices wrong in general or your choices better. It just means they made different choices.

[Leilah]

In my opinion, I think you need to cut them some slack, regarding undergraduate degrees. I know firsthand how difficult it is to be a full-time student and maintain a job to pay for schooling. As long as they are in the process of earning a degree (unless it's an art or history degree), I don't see a problem with it.

 

However, I wouldn't date a person who had no motivation to improve themselves or their lives. So, I can agree with you from that perspective.

[carhill]

What do you think?

 

If you don't think you're exceptional, no one else will either. The metrics don't really matter.

 

BTDT, had a business, a race car, a house (two at 28) and all kinds of 'stuff' in my mid-20's due to good teaching from parents and a strong work ethic. Problem? Excessive modesty, minimizing my own successes and building up those of others. The opposite of exceptional. Invisible. That's how women saw me too, as invisible, and it was completely my own responsibility. Never qualified women by metrics such as those you outlined, rather thought of everyone as valuable and equal. Nice sentiment but it's not how the world works.

 

Stick with exceptional and seek out your equal. Accept no substitutes.

[Assasda]

I'm pretty special and accomplished for my age. I almost have an MA, I own my car, own my house, have a good job that makes good money, and would say overall I'm pretty well off. I'm in my mid-20s.

 

So one of my problems is that I judge women I'm talking to based on some of these attributes. I know I got where I am through a lot of hard work and sacrifice, but I can't help but notice when someone who's around my age is:

 

- Still finishing their undergrad degree

- Doesn't have a car

- Lives with their parents

- Is working a minimum wage job

 

... And especially has no passion/motivation/desire to better themselves. (Or they do but claim to be constantly sidelined because they're sick/busy/other excuses.)

 

Would you say I'm overreacting in my judgment? To be clear, I'm not saying I won't date them, but just that I notice that their work ethic and commitment level is different.

 

What do you think?

 

A lot of people take different paths in life

Its a little pompous to think that way

 

Everybody can teach you something, no matter at what level you are.

As long as people are not criminals and get by honestly, they're all the same in my book.

 

Some of the richest people, are the most materialistic backstabbers I've seen. Some people are motivated to get money, but they're not motivated to learn, or to live life. Its ironic

[BlueIris]

 

....

... And especially has no passion/motivation/desire to better themselves. (Or they do but claim to be constantly sidelined because they're sick/busy/other excuses.)

 

Would you say I'm overreacting in my judgment? To be clear, I'm not saying I won't date them, but just that I notice that their work ethic and commitment level is different.

 

What do you think?

 

I think it's reasonable. Both of my kids- 23 & 27- are accomplished and have a strong work ethic. But I think Leilah's right to cut students some slack. My 23yo won't finish her BS until she's 25, because she worked for 2 years before starting undergrad and also transferred for a better program.

[Diezel]

- Still finishing their undergrad degree

- Doesn't have a car

- Lives with their parents

- Is working a minimum wage job

 

None of this matters long-term...

 

... And especially has no passion/motivation/desire to better themselves.

 

...because this trumps all of that, long-term. Maybe they don't have any of those things at age 23... but trust me, it doesn't matter. Now, if you were 40 and you were dating 38 year olds check off all of those boxes, that's a different story.

 

Your story is completely different. You need to judge on potential moreso than anything else.

 

A female in my family is currently "unemployed" (she gets no paycheck), is still in school, mid-20's, doesn't own a car, and lives with her mom.

 

Next year, she'll finish med school, be a psychologist and make 6 figures.

 

Had you stopped the checklist on your required four at the top, she would have been automatically out. So in your early dating age, you can't go by specifics, not yet.

[RonaldS]

It's important to be aware that not everybody judges or classifies success the same way. Different people have different motivations, and therefore different metrics.

 

I, for example, hadn't finished my undergrad by 25. But due to decisions I made very early in adulthood, I considered myself rich. I traveled a lot, lived in some cool places, and had amazing experiences. During some of those years, I worked and travelled. Other years, I was in school. I didn't own a home, and whatever car I happened to have at the time wasn't anything that anybody was ever going to be impressed with.

 

But I felt that I was rich. Not with money or assets, but with life experience and intellectual capital. Most of my 'by the books' straight-laced family members did not agree.

 

That being said, by my late 20s, after school, I opened a business and did fairly well. I had the Land Rover, lived in the amazing neighborhood, had the pretty wife and the cool stuff.

 

That stuff is all gone now. And you know what? I barely care. Part of the reason is that I have all of those experiences....the ones my conservative family thought were a waste of time....and nobody can ever take those away from me. In my eyes (and possibly only in my eyes), I'm a success, because I've been able to live a life that I've loved, and I'm not dead or broke yet. Success is subjective.

 

As long as people aren't totally lazy and lifeless, be careful about being quick to judge them based on how they stack up against you. Doing so is a good way to miss out on the opportunity to have some incredible people in your life.

[maysj18]

I'm right there with you, OP. I am 23, have a chemistry degree and am about to start a masters program in the fall. I've been through hell to get that degree, so I don't turn my nose up at those who struggle; HOWEVER, I couldn't date someone who hadn't advanced much since high school. If I'm going to be in a relationship with someone, I want them to have a 5 year plan and I want to be able to see that they're working HARD to get there. I'm all about supporting those I care about, but unless they're on the same page as me, someone is going to get held back. My educational goals are to become as advanced in my field as possible and I look for the same drive in a partner. I don't want someone who is okay scraping by and staying at the bottom of the totem pole.

Edited September 12, 2014 by maysj18

[Mister Zen]

What do I think? I think no one is perfect and no one is better than anyone.

 

People choose to live the life they want to live. You chose your life and they chose theirs. Its really none of your business.

 

If you don't like certain types of people then don't associate with them. Not rocket science.. just common sense.

[mightycpa]

People who are driven to succeed are one thing, but a person who has found their passion and who pursues it with passion is a nice choice too. That person may or may not have all the trappings of success you listed, and they may not be driven in the same way that others are, but they will have something very valuable to contribute to your life. These people are inspiring, and I should know, because I married one. She had the other stuff too, so bonus, but the pursuit of a passion is something distinct and kind of rare.

 

I say keep on being picky, and don't waste your time with someone you don't respect. I think that's really what your post is about, that you don't always feel respect for the choices made by some of the women you meet, and you're wondering if maybe you're shortchanging yourself.

 

You're well within your rights to make a judgment if that's right for you or not.

[Mrin]

You're getting some good advice here and I'll just dog pile on it for good measure. You should be proud of what you've accomplished but honestly, that doesn't make you special. By the time I was your age I had 2 undergraduate degrees, started my own business, earned my MBA and got my law degree for good measure. Was I accomplished? Sure. Was I special? Yes, but not for those reasons. You actually already hit it: passion/motivation/desire to better themselves.

 

That's what makes people special. I've met amazingly successful and educated people who were not special. And i've met high school dropouts that were. It is all about passion/motivation/desire. Look for that, don't look for skins on the wall or material things as indicators/in lieu of that. I've fallen into that trap.

 

Best of luck and congrats on your upcoming MA.

[OwMyEyeball]

Backdoor brags all around!

[Gloria25]

I don't know, but IMO, the whole "slacker" thing is something that I've felt is more amongst the males I've encountered (especially OLD) rather than the females.

 

Then on top of not having a car, their own place, education, job (mind you, I said job, not career) they got either an illegit kid and/or believe that smoking weed is ok.

 

I do believe maybe you should cut some people in the 20's age range some slack cuz not everyone's situation is the same. I had to join the military in order to afford college and a roof over my head.

 

I tried working like three jobs and even put money towards my parent's home expenses (while my sisters and their "husbands" just sat around, stuffed their faces, had babies and wouldn't even help me with the house chores - cutting grass, cleaning, shopping, washing clothes by hand) - it was never enough for them, they kept on leaning on me and even though I passed the exams to go to the "tech" college in our city (I was really good at math then ) I couldn't afford the tuition cuz my family took, took, and took and I had nothing to go toward school.

 

Also, IMO, the education here in the U.S. is too expensive - IMO, it has turned more into a scam to get people to get locked in student loans to make the lenders rich.

 

Then, there's barely any jobs (and/or good jobs) cuz of all the offshoring and/or importation of foreign workers (even for white collar, high skilled jobs)...so, where are you gonna work once you get out of college?

 

Also, IMO, the colleges are teaching the "slacker" mentality. There are certain classes/professors who are teaching the kids that it's ok to depend on the government.

 

So, there are a lot of factors as to why people aren't at the place you are/were in your 20's that are at play here.

[deathandtaxes]

What I think doesn't matter. You're entitled to think what you want to think and pursue what you want to pursue. We all value things differently. Some people are materialistic and want to show the world their success that way. Some people are very much anti-materialistic and just don't give a **** about the system. And these two people could both be full of passion, etc, but just take different paths in life.

[O'Malley]

If you feel that some women your age wouldn't be a good fit with your priorities and don't seem to share compatible mindsets and attributes, then there's nothing wrong with your preference to not date them. Just as long as you accept that some women will decline to date you due to what they prioritize in a prospective partner. Everyone has arbitrary criteria.

[GemmaUK]

Date who you want to date.

 

Don't date those you don't want to date.

 

You have a choice same as we all do.

Exercise that choice.

[elseaacych]

We are all distinct and special in some way. You just need to find someone whose specialness is complementary to yours.

 

Sometimes, you do have to cultivate that care a little bit, because appearances are skin deep.

[StanMusial]

Reminded me of this thread.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/490894-wanting-someone-goals#post5866502

 

I think you're being reasonable... if you have your act together there is nothing wrong with wanting the same in a mate.

 

When I was your age I met plenty of girls that didn't really have it together. Trust me, when you try to have a serious relationship, it presents a problem.

[stillafool]

If you feel that some women your age wouldn't be a good fit with your priorities and don't seem to share compatible mindsets and attributes' date=' then there's nothing wrong with your preference to not date them. Just as long as you accept that some women will decline to date you due to what they prioritize in a prospective partner. Everyone has arbitrary criteria.[/quote']

 

 

^^^^^^^^

I agree with the above. OP definitely do not date women who do not have the same mindset as you. There have to be many women out there to date who have the same or similar goals as you. Just stay away from the others so as not to waste their time and bore you. It's pretty simple actually.

[DazedandConfused8]

By the time I was your age I had 2 undergraduate degrees, started my own business, earned my MBA and got my law degree for good measure.

 

Explain.

 

Undergrads are four years each;

Law degree is 3 years;

MBA is 2 years

 

Assuming you started university at 18, this isn't possible. I could see you *maybe* doing a double degree program, but I highly doubt anyone could manage doing their law degree and MBA concurrently.

[jjtr]

I wouldn't fault you for only dating those who fit your expectations, but I will say you might be missing out.

 

Not everyone goes down a career path they went to school for. Hell, not everyone finds a job they love. But if a person is working hard and always trying to move up (whether that be a raise or a promotion), I don't see the problem. Especially in an economy that is still unstable and a lot of college grads are doing nothing related to their schooling.

 

As others have said, if you feel you need someone to match up with you on all those levels, then there's nothing wrong with that. However, just know you're narrowing your playing field and may end up missing out on someone great because of it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I feel the same way OP. Most men I meet through OLD, I judge as unambitious or lazy. It's not even about money, it's about passion, goals and solid working ethic. I can cut them some slack only if they are actively trying to improve their life.

[jjtr]

I feel the same way OP. Most men I meet through OLD, I judge as unambitious or lazy. It's not even about money, it's about passion, goals and solid working ethic. I can cut them some slack only if they are actively trying to improve their life.

 

Care to elaborate? I am interested in a female opinion on this.

 

Is most of what you deem actively trying to improve their life related to their career? What if someone had a lot of hobbies they were passionate about, worked a job they might not love, but always tried to improve at?

 

Just interested, as I took until 26 to get my Bachelors due to time off and career indecision and now work a field unrelated to that and at a job that I don't exactly love, but am always trying to advance/get a raise/promotion at. I'm still not sure what I'll be doing career-wise in five years, but I know whatever I'm doing, I'll continue with my work ethic. I would hate to be judged for that.