Why Some Men/Women Cheat

[Mysterio]

From a mans perspective. I think its the access to physical affection. Say that Jack marries Jill. They are together and its year 8. Married or not married. If Jill's PA towards Jack wanes. He is out there and that bond starts to wear off on his side. What Jack should do is try to re bond with Jill. If not then they could all it quits. What Jack should not do is seek out another woman until he is officially done with Jill.

 

I can't see why a man would have an affair without wanting his mistress to have more Sex with him. So Jack is either getting regular sex with Jill and then wants different sex with Jane on top of that. Or Jack is not getting regular sex with Jill and Jane is filling that void. There is nothing else to why he would be having an affair. Or adding to that. Jack's repore with Jill is strained and difficult, where with Jane its easy.

 

The dynamic I hear or see is that Jack is with Jill and they are married. When Jack slides into an affair. Its usually a woman that is single. Jack is not going to have an affair with a another married woman or in order its a woman that is younger/single. Younger/married. Very Pretty at the least.

 

For Women. I think that the only reason they would have an affair is boredom or revenge against their SO. No other reason aside from a focused attention from the new man.

 

Anyways. I am curious to the women on our board. Why you think men and women cheat. Once again to recap. I think Men do it for physical affection. Women do it for romantic attention, not really the sex.

 

Anyways whats your take.

[eye of the storm]

Million reasons why people cheat, and both sexes cheat for the same reasons.

 

 

But it basically boils down to one thing, something is wrong in their relationship and instead of fixing it or getting out of it...they cheat on it.

[BetrayedH]

External validation.

 

Some people just can't get enough of it. The attention of a spouse that is stuck with you for life and isn't even allowed to have sex with anyone else isn't very validating.

 

But that new guy in the office...getting attention from him is very validating (especially if he's married and taking a huge risk to be with you).

[BetrayedH]

But it basically boils down to one thing, something is wrong in their relationship and instead of fixing it or getting out of it...they cheat on it.

 

Respectfully disagree. There's plenty of examples of waywards admitting that there's nothing wrong with their spouse/marriage but they found themselves cheating anyway.

 

Cheating is a symptom of something broken within the person, not within the relationship.

 

I definitely agree with you that they chose to cheat instead of fixing themselves or getting out. Again, that demonstrates the brokenness of the person. Cowardice, conflict-avoidance, self-entitlement, and the excessive need for external validation that I mentioned - those are the typical problems within the wayward and have little (if anything) to do with the relationship.

[R3d]

Insecurity.

[Missy0724]

Great topic and everyone is going to have an opinion! I've been on both sides of this issue...

 

I think it's definitely BOTH. Something lacking in the relationship, and within the person who is cheating.

 

Person cheating is not getting something they need...that could be validation, attention, physical sex, physical and/or emotional intimacy, connection, communication, laughter, self soothing, boast the ego, to feel "loveable"... SO many reasons.

 

All I know is that is LYING and disrespectful. And an immature, cowardly decision, act. And it is a CHOICE. Not really any excuses. And will damage most relationships beyond repair.

 

But reality, it happens. Some people are weak and think the "grass will be greener" or whatever... They just don't think of the consequences...Sadly.

 

And then bitch and moan when they are caught, some "blame" the relationship, their partner for not giving them what they "need". Well, maybe it the cheater had gone to their partner and explained that they are feeling weak, and feeling tempted to cheat...And actually communicate with this person they supposedly love, their supposed best friend (should be anyway)... "what should we do? Please help me!"

 

I guess that is living in a "magical" fantasy world, I suppose? And are humans really wired for monogamy any way?

[Mysterio]

In my mind. Its so unessasary to cheat. Esspecially if you are not married. There are people out there that are single. Scratching an itch is not needed to mess up your life.

 

I have never cheated on anyone. Mind you I have not been in a LTR for a long time for that to happen.

 

Once again. I say from the guys side. The only thing I think he would want if he was attached, is extra sex or wants more sex if his Female SO is not giving that to him. No other reason. There is no " Nobody understands me". Guys always have the close friend or two that they can totally be honest with. So for him to be with a woman and woo her into committing adultery is not the way to be.

 

Is it really that hard to maintain a harmony with your SO. Just get into a habit of being good to them. I also think that age has to do with some of this thing as well. I don't think the average 67 yr old that has been married for long time. Would be thinking of doing the cheating thing. I still say it has to do with hormones and both getting enough Physical affection from your SO or you want more than they can give. Take that away. Why cheat.

[No Limit]

And then bitch and moan when they are caught

 

I must admit, next to the betrayal itself this stage is the biggest reason I hate cheating and always remain distrustful towards people who did it (that I know of). It's like the moment reality gives them a big spank they aren't capable of controling their actions or taking responsibility for their lives.

 

Unless the OM/OW purposely drugged them every time they crossed each other, it's just like watching a dog barking at the door and mailman outside for bringing bad news.

 

You're a human being. Equipped with brain and conscience instead of natural arms like claws or fur to survive. If you want to be an animal purely focused on the most basic instincts only, I'm sure you will find people who will like that idea. Make a community, sell all your stuff to buy a big piece of woodland and there you go.

[Mysterio]

I also think its lust as well. Both men and women really need to spend intimate time with each other. I think that it can't be taken for granted. From the time you get together to the time you part. I don't care how old you are.

 

My dad cheated on my mom. It resulted in an out of wedlock child. They are still together. Its just so unnecessary. I also think that after 2 or 4 kids. The Man should just get a vesectomy. I at 43 am toying with it. I am giving myself to about 50 or so. If I have not met someone and gotten married by then. Whats the point to having kids beyond that. I plan on making it to 97 or so. So I want to be the healthiest I can.

 

There are some people that are also getting too heavy involved with people just not to feel lonely. I think that it creates a weaker relationship that has no major foundation to stand on.

Edited September 7, 2014 by Mysterio

[No Limit]

Of course. Lust comes shortly after the attraction for the affair partner has been sowed deep enough into the WS' mind.

 

Nonetheless, usually you spend some time with your partner before you marry. If you noticed problems or noticed you weren't compatible in advance, why marry before getting it fixed? And if problems occur after the wedding day, why not speak to the partner or go into marriage counseling?

 

I guess the reason "I married for the wrong reasons!" does surface. But it is weak people participating in an affair - a weak relationship - so it's probably bordering on wonders they even got a "safe partner" at all.

[Tayken]

From a mans perspective. I think its the access to physical affection. Say that Jack marries Jill. They are together and its year 8. Married or not married. If Jill's PA towards Jack wanes. He is out there and that bond starts to wear off on his side. What Jack should do is try to re bond with Jill. If not then they could all it quits. What Jack should not do is seek out another woman until he is officially done with Jill.

 

I can't see why a man would have an affair without wanting his mistress to have more Sex with him. So Jack is either getting regular sex with Jill and then wants different sex with Jane on top of that. Or Jack is not getting regular sex with Jill and Jane is filling that void. There is nothing else to why he would be having an affair. Or adding to that. Jack's repore with Jill is strained and difficult, where with Jane its easy.

 

The dynamic I hear or see is that Jack is with Jill and they are married. When Jack slides into an affair. Its usually a woman that is single. Jack is not going to have an affair with a another married woman or in order its a woman that is younger/single. Younger/married. Very Pretty at the least.

 

For Women. I think that the only reason they would have an affair is boredom or revenge against their SO. No other reason aside from a focused attention from the new man.

 

Anyways. I am curious to the women on our board. Why you think men and women cheat. Once again to recap. I think Men do it for physical affection. Women do it for romantic attention, not really the sex.

 

Anyways whats your take.

 

Bold 1: Why did Bill Clinton do what he did? It will always be a dumb move for women to deny sex to their partner as a punishment for not getting what they want. Funny how when they are in the dating phase they don't do this, but once the deal has been closed i.e. marriage most simply let themselves go, stop dressing nice, and sometimes hygiene goes out of the window

 

Bold 2: I know a couple of cases where that single woman (with kids) in question, has turned out to be a friend of the wife i.e. someone they both know and who use to come to the house

[eye of the storm]

Some people cheat for the excitement. I know one guy who cheats with one girl and then when it becomes routine, he switches to a new one. He loves the drama, the excitement and the thrill of getting away with it. Its the danger that draws him. The way he talks about it sounds like the sex is secondary to him.

 

 

I told him it sounded exhausting.

 

 

Like I said, a million reasons.

[2.50 a gallon]

I have a different perspective. Prior to the break up of my marriage, my ExW had let the cat out of the bag, with my female co-workers, that I was into oral sex and not bad in bed. At the break up of my marriage these same women befriended me, and it was not long before they were bringing sex into our conversations. They were emotionally and sexually starved. From their point of view, their marriages were long dead. While their husbands and romanced and wooed them into marriage, once the kids came along, their husbands no longer viewed them as lovers, but more like nannys of their children. They were now in their early 30's and still wanting lots of sex, but sex for them was a once or twice a week exercise, while their H got their jollies, and then rolled over and went to sleep. Most of all they wanted to experience oral sex, something their Husbands refused to do.

Divorce was on the horizon, but divorce would mean that they would have to move and disrupt their children's lives. But being as their children liked their schools and were making good grades, why upset the apple cart? So they were prepared to wait until the kids were out of the house

[merrmeade]

Person cheating is not getting something they need...that could be validation, attention, physical sex, physical and/or emotional intimacy, connection, communication, laughter, self soothing, boast the ego, to feel "loveable"...

Insecurity.

Some people cheat for the excitement.

Cheating is a symptom of something broken within the person, not within the relationship ... plenty of examples of waywards admitting that there's nothing wrong with their spouse/marriage but ... chose to cheat instead of fixing themselves or getting out:

• Cowardice,
  
• conflict-avoidance,
  
• self-entitlement, and the
  
• excessive need for external validation
  

-typical problems within the wayward...demonstrate the brokenness of the person...and have little (if anything) to do with the relationship.

Bold 1: Why did Bill Clinton do what he did?

All of the above.

 

I would say it varies tremendously according to the person. It is all about the person. Not the marriage. It depends on whether you are talking about a serial cheater or one-affair chump, someone with NPD (or some degree thereof or sex addiction. Was it a ONS or LTA and how many. Mostly it's everything BH said but some of that includes observations after the fact.

 

Interesting that, after 2-1/2 years on hold, I actually had this conversation with my H yesterday. It was cathartic and way, way overdue. He is phenomenally inarticulate about himself and his feelings, but, oh, not dumb. That we got there, that he talked has been a journey, but he did most of it.

 

I asked Shirley GLass' "10 questions to ask your unfaithful spouse" from Not Just Friends:

1. What did you say to give yourself permission to get involved?

2. After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty?

3. How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?

4. Did you think about me at all?

5. What did you share about us?

6. Did you talk about love or about a future together?

7. What did you see in the affair partner?

8. What did you like about yourself during the affair? How were you different?

9. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities and how was this time similar or different?

10. Did you have unprotected sex?

 

His answers included:

• "It was flattering." "Flattery" was the word he repeated more than any other next to "stupid."
  
• It was "acting out." Entitlement. Pattern started in the 60s of promiscuity. Prowling around for women. Always being on the make.
  
• They (the five As) were about sex. No love, no talk of a relationship or a future together. Would try not to talk about me. Didn't think about me. No complaining about me.
  
• Yes, it was unprotected sex. Didn't stop to think about it. "Stupid" was his comment about that.
  
• Physical contact started by the women - long hugs, massages, crotch-groping.
  

 

The first d-day was the EA with my SIL. Their story: They were both "lonely and needy. It was "90% friendship" (actually co-dependence). They just "lost it" a couple of times and had oral sex. He does not say this any more. He calls it what it was and says it required a great deal of self-deception required to create the rationalizations and convince themselves they were mostly friends.

 

I have put together this pattern for him:

Flirting. A lot of flirting. Teasing. Arousal as sexual tension built.

Physical contact which he blamed on the women but readily reciprocated.

NO BOUNDARIES.

 

He also said once or twice in these discussions, "It's an addiction."

Edited September 8, 2014 by merrmeade
One more idea

[spiderowl]

A colleague of mine once commented on a guy that had had several affairs that "He's the kind of guy who always has to have a back up."

 

Maybe some of it stems from insecurity about losing the present partner at some point, making it best to keep someone else on the go just in case. It can be fun as well.