Dating while separated / separated people

[VanillaLife]

Hey folks wanted to see what people's thoughts are on dating people - like me - that are separated? I feel like we are treated like the lepers of the dating society and not to be touched. I had actually detailed a lot of what happened in my own situation in the separation & divorce forum and frankly in my situation I feel very ready to be dating again after a long time in an emotionless and sexless marriage. But I see some people will simply not even LOOK at someone who is separated. I know that personally I am more mentally stable and in control of my situation than many single or divorced people so it's kind of frustrating.

 

Curious for people's thoughts?

[Tayken]

You know why? It's because it screams drama/unfinished business/rebound/not sure what they want/attempt to spite the other person

 

They usually say the average normal person needs at least 2yrs after their separation/divorce, in order to be ready to date again.

 

You are in no psychological state to devote your time and effort to someone else, whilst their are legal wranglings going on i.e. custody battle, court dates, etc

 

Throw into the mix the other person going through the same thin, that now means double the headache.

 

I was once in the separation phase, and can tell you that it does affect you, unless of course you are just looking for a good time. Now that am divorced, I am able to just focus if I choose to date and be serious with somebody.

 

One of my big red flags is someone that has their kids all the time....it tells me that they are either denying the other parent / the other parent doesn't want to be part of it / there will be no time for bonding

 

My ex had her daughter all the time, and it put a strain on our relationship because everything revolved around just that kid.

 

My point: Separation status screams DRAMA especially when kids are involved. If you really want to move on with your life, handle your legal matter amicably and get it over with. This is easily said than done, as most people feel entitled to stuff and can become delusional about what the law says and what they want

[carhill]

What I've noticed in my own demographic is that it's far more common and accepted for women who are 'on the outs' with their H's to be acceptable dating partners than it is for men. To some extent, I've noted similar sentiments here on LS over the years. One potential reason forwarded is that women, since they tend to initiate most of the divorces in the real world, are more confident and settled in their decision to 'move on' and can do so in a more emotionally detached manner than men can. In my own demographic, it's generally easier for them to do so, since there's always a ready and willing pool of men to sort through who don't generally concern themselves about a woman's marital status if she's claiming 'I'm done'.

 

To date, and it's been quite a long time ago, I've dated two 'separated' people, one whom I didn't even know was married when I started and the other who was separated and living separately. The former turned into an affair and the latter went on to divorce her husband and get together with another guy. Hence, mixed bag.

 

I dated a couple of ladies while I was separated, about halfway through the divorce process, time-wise, and have no negative or positive feelings about it. After doing so, I decided it was healthier to not interact with women in that regard, so stopped and haven't gone back since.

 

Today, I'd probably date a separated woman but mainly for social interaction and company since my life focus has changed. I wouldn't expect her to get divorced or for 'us' to be anything meaningful or long-term. If it happened, it would.

[RedRobin]

Despite feeling ready for dating, most separated people haven't really discovered their new self independently of their married self.

 

 

Some have called it the 'hot mess' period, and I tend to agree with them. I'm not into casual sex, and generally shy away from drama of any kind with partners, so I tend to avoid those situations.

 

 

If you really want to date, perhaps consider others in the same boat as you... also separated. I don't think it is fair to expect to burden those who are legitimately in a stable portion of their lives with your issues.

 

 

Being a woman though, I have no doubts you can find lots of men happy and willing to just have sex with you or whatever for as long as you both find it appealing.

[Allumere]

I go so far as to say on my profile if someone is separated I am not interested, come back when the ink has dried. Because that person is still legally bound to the other person...from a religious and moral angle I don't get involved with married people. I get that it sucks but since I have been there I know you will survive waiting til that business is complete. You have plenty to work on in regards to "you" when a marriage fails....do that during this period rather than getting involve with someone. You aren't ready and you will end up either hurting someone or getting hurt yourself.

[thekid36]

Hey folks wanted to see what people's thoughts are on dating people - like me - that are separated? I feel like we are treated like the lepers of the dating society and not to be touched. I had actually detailed a lot of what happened in my own situation in the separation & divorce forum and frankly in my situation I feel very ready to be dating again after a long time in an emotionless and sexless marriage. But I see some people will simply not even LOOK at someone who is separated. I know that personally I am more mentally stable and in control of my situation than many single or divorced people so it's kind of frustrating.

 

Curious for people's thoughts?

 

 

Separation which is definite should not distract one from living fully. Best person we know is our own self. All in life is specific. People may miss out when they get too focused on trying to live inside of a box.

[RedRobin]

correction: Your OP doesn't say if you are a woman.

 

 

If you are a man, don't lie about your goals or ability to establish or maintain a relationship to prospects. Better for all involved to stick with the 'not looking for anything serious right now' approach.

 

 

... and keep that message a good year or two after your divorce as well. I won't even date men who haven't been divorced at least that long. Most of them are too busy reliving their adolescence or trying to make up for lost time (their words). Not interested.

[deathandtaxes]

I went out a few times with ladies while I was separated. I had moved out and filed for divorce and lived over an hour away from my now ex-wife. I was up front with it.

 

 

The two year guideline somebody has mentioned seems almost spot on. It has been almost two years since I initially separated (divorce final about three months after separating). I've dated on and off the whole time. I will say I was a mess during that initial period. I just wanted to get out and have fun. Now, I think I'm ready for something serious. I fooled myself initially. But time does wonders.

[travelbug1996]

Because separation means --Still Married. Get a divorce THEN go out and date.

[Tayken]

Because separation means --Still Married. Get a divorce THEN go out and date.

 

 

And give it two years while you are at it. This period will help you realize what exactly it is that was missing from your marriage, and you will be able to make that you priority as opposed to just looking for tall dark handsome / cute nice body whilst ignoring red flags and end up being the epitome of the definition of insanity

[FitChick]

Separated people are fine for affairs and ONS. Not for anything serious.

[VanillaLife]

Thanks for the feedback folks. I still think there is a little too much pigeon-holing going on but of course I can understand the concerns. Personally speaking in my own case I feel that I have a very good understanding of what went wrong with my marriage, I have a better idea than ever of what works for me and if I met the right person I would be happy to settle with them. Indeed right now I would feel pretty selective and thus think I would be better equipped to select my next partner than someone in maybe 2-3 years down the line from me who is starting to get desperate and think they might end up single forever LOL. Maybe that is why I might not be a good match for someone looking to settle down, I am not desperate enough to settle for second best right now

 

FitChick that is a very narrow minded response. I can understand those who have moral/religious objections. But hey can't get divorced for a year so puts me in purgatory lol

 

And yes I am male. Yes sex is of interest but I don't need to rediscover my youth or make up for lost time. But I won't be settling down with anyone I don't have good sexual chemistry with after what happened in my marriage.

[Jules Dash]

 

FitChick that is a very narrow minded response. I can understand those who have moral/religious objections. But hey can't get divorced for a year so puts me in purgatory lol

 

.

 

Lol at baiting people in to give their opinion on dating separated people and then blasting them when they do.

[Mirages]

Religious objection: The Judeo-Christian tradition does not mention separation, it is immediate divorce. Separation is a blessing and a curse, gives cooling off period, but also give attorneys time to waste on my account.

 

I feel like we are treated like the lepers of the dating society and not to be touched.

funny, I told a friend of mine this same leper line a month ago, it is a very accurate analogy.

 

 

Well being separated nearly a year now, and having checked out of the marriage over a decade ago, & my wife attempted adultery during marriage and during separation, I can say I am ready to move on. But... Is it fair to a future beau of mine, possibly not. I do not want to get attached to one B- candidate when I can have an A level parter if I waited and shopped carefully and taken several out on dates. I have at least two women who I could easily date within hours. One is a crappy liar, the other is a very high quality one who just wouldn't be a good match for me. There are others on the more distant radar. I save clandestine operations for necessary settings, dating isn't one of them.

 

What I have done is adjusted my career, and social involvements very strategically to be in contact with women in a capacity that is not dating.

[CarrieT]

OP, why aren't you divorced yet?

 

I'm in the camp of you guys being lepers; I dated a separated guy (he had been living alone for three years), when - a week before the divorce became final - he and his wife had one final meeting over division of property which ultimately ended in a last-hurrah in the sack and a reunion between them.

 

I was devastated, obviously.

 

So I ask again, why aren't you divorced yet?

[carhill]

This statement might offer some background:

 

"It's been coming, and now it's here. Wife having affair, I'm prepping for divorce

I'm male in early fourties, been married nearly a decade and a half, with two kids either side of 10 years old."

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/467336-s-been-coming-now-s-here-wife-having-affair-i-m-prepping-divorce

[Tayken]

OP, why aren't you divorced yet?

 

I'm in the camp of you guys being lepers; I dated a separated guy (he had been living alone for three years), when - a week before the divorce became final - he and his wife had one final meeting over division of property which ultimately ended in a last-hurrah in the sack and a reunion between them.

 

I was devastated, obviously.

 

So I ask again, why aren't you divorced yet?

 

Valid question....one woman told me that she does not need some paper to prove that she is done with her ex...however, it was not a problem when she planned to get married

 

I called BS on that one considering divorce application is only a couple of hundred dollars. My divorce certificate as the applicant on;y cost me $19

[Gloria25]

Most of the replies hit what I would have said...

 

The only thing I have to add is that there's nothing wrong for being there for your kids, and that's what your kids need - cuz they are already experiencing a break of what they considered a "home"...

 

So, I recommend taking it easy, dating casually and not dragging any people in front of your kids cuz the kids don't need the drama. Say this is my friend "Angelina" or something, but not "oh, this is my gf" cuz then the kids will get attached and if/when you two break up, the kids will suffer another loss.

 

And see her like on the weekends or when the kids are with their mom or grandparents - that way the kids won't feel like you're neglecting them. I mean, I've heard of females running to the club and the kids aren't stupid, they know mommy's running off to shake her booty instead of read them a nite time story and/or stay up and watch movies with them.

 

And, I'm sorry, but the whole Brady Bunch thing is just TV...not all blended families make it and your kids don't need the drama

[carhill]

At our court, a FL100 costs 395 to file, with process service. A response is similar, less the service fee.

 

Since the OP is 15 years married, has two kids and his wife is apparently having an affair, this appears to be a pretty complex case, especially if substantial assets are involved. I've seen similar cases, in person with friends, dragging out 5-6 years on the financial and custody matters. Yep, affairs were involved. Hotly contested. Lots of assets up for grabs.

 

Regardless, the OP wants to have a social life. My advice to him is, sure, take in opinion and balance that against his own sentiments and conscience, and then act in his own self-interest and let the chips fall where they may.

[Tayken]

Most of the replies hit what I would have said...

 

The only thing I have to add is that there's nothing wrong for being there for your kids, and that's what your kids need - cuz they are already experiencing a break of what they considered a "home"...

 

So, I recommend taking it easy, dating casually and not dragging any people in front of your kids cuz the kids don't need the drama. Say this is my friend "Angelina" or something, but not "oh, this is my gf" cuz then the kids will get attached and if/when you two break up, the kids will suffer another loss.

 

And see her like on the weekends or when the kids are with their mom or grandparents - that way the kids won't feel like you're neglecting them. I mean, I've heard of females running to the club and the kids aren't stupid, they know mommy's running off to shake her booty instead of read them a nite time story and/or stay up and watch movies with them.

 

And, I'm sorry, but the whole Brady Bunch thing is just TV...not all blended families make it and your kids don't need the drama

 

Now that is one thing I will never drag myself to get involved with. I only have one child on my own, helped raise someone else's kid (ex's daughter) who is now an adult.....

 

I refuse to date anyone with multiple (more than 1) kids, as it won't be fair on me. I also expect them to have shared 50-50 custody. None of that sole custody nonsense again in my life.

 

I have heard a myriad of horror stories of blended families where the adults put their own agenda before that of the kids involved. With blended family comes a need for bigger home, car, vacation etc

[VanillaLife]

To those asking I cannot get divorced in my state (NC) until we have been legally separated for a year. In the words of Chris Rock, "Can't do it... just can't f***ing do it"

 

Yes her affair caused the split but the marriage was dead long before that anyway. The affair was just the catalyst for separation. There were some issues we had to deal with, and they have been dealt with, and we are now moving on pretty darn amicably. It's not that complex and there is quite a bit of money at stake but we are already agreed on division of assets, how much and how long I will pay alimony and child support. Having initially gone down the heavy handed lawyer route as detailed in the other thread, we are now going to do it by taking a term sheet to a single lawyer to simply document our arrangement. And this makes me much happier because now it's roughly a 50/50 split of our net worth, not a 1/3rd split between each of us and the last third going to our lawyers

 

And sorry I don' mean to diss anybody's opinion though I do think FitChick's statement was highly dismissive. I am genuinely interested to hear the spectrum of opinions on the topic. I find it all fascinating. I am thinking right now I am better off focusing on either younger women who are not looking to settle down immediately or other separated women who also don't think they have to be treated like lepers lol.

 

Blended families are definitely a complexity. If someone doesn't want to date me because I have kids I am TOTALLY cool with that. But frankly if someone is passing me up because I am separated not divorced, I think they are the ones missing out

[VanillaLife]

OP, why aren't you divorced yet?

 

I'm in the camp of you guys being lepers; I dated a separated guy (he had been living alone for three years), when - a week before the divorce became final - he and his wife had one final meeting over division of property which ultimately ended in a last-hurrah in the sack and a reunion between them.

 

I was devastated, obviously.

 

So I ask again, why aren't you divorced yet?

 

I have managed to go now 5 years without sleeping with my wife, including several "once in a lifetime" vacations to stunning and exotic destinations. While I am sorry for your situation, there is a very small chance of that happening in my case. And there is always a risk any potential partner finds their way back with any ex.

 

I'm not divorced yet because i cannot legally do so until next year

[VanillaLife]

Well being separated nearly a year now, and having checked out of the marriage over a decade ago, & my wife attempted adultery during marriage and during separation, I can say I am ready to move on. But... Is it fair to a future beau of mine, possibly not. I do not want to get attached to one B- candidate when I can have an A level parter if I waited and shopped carefully and taken several out on dates. I have at least two women who I could easily date within hours. One is a crappy liar, the other is a very high quality one who just wouldn't be a good match for me. There are others on the more distant radar. I save clandestine operations for necessary settings, dating isn't one of them.

 

What I have done is adjusted my career, and social involvements very strategically to be in contact with women in a capacity that is not dating.

 

Your statements above tie in what I said originally... that frankly you sound right now like you are in the best possible situation to pick your next life partner carefully. You can be choosy, you know what you are looking for and are not in a rush. A few more years and suddenly standards start dropping and then you end up back in another sh***y marriage lol. I am genuinely concerned about dating other women my age who are really, really desperate to get into a life time partnership. I am not against that AT ALL but given I really have a good sense of what I want and what will/won't work I can't help but feel I will hold my standards higher.

 

I do already have a lot of contact with women through my job. I am looking to extend that through other social avenues. But frankly I am interested in dating not just chatting

[VanillaLife]

Regardless, the OP wants to have a social life. My advice to him is, sure, take in opinion and balance that against his own sentiments and conscience, and then act in his own self-interest and let the chips fall where they may.

 

This is great advice BTW, thank you!

[RedRobin]

I am genuinely concerned about dating other women my age who are really, really desperate to get into a life time partnership. I am not against that AT ALL but given I really have a good sense of what I want and what will/won't work I can't help but feel I will hold my standards higher.

 

 

I'm glad you have standards.

 

 

Don't know how old you are, but there are lots of self-respecting women who aren't in a rush to settle down with just anyone, of any age. Most people with their shyte together just don't like wasting time with emotional freeloaders... and IMHO, that is what separated and recently divorced says to me.

 

 

Giant emotional sucking sound as they seek to do x,y,z they feel they've been missing out on however long. They really don't have much to offer other than their genitals and basic companionship... which, again, most self respecting people with a good head on their shoulders can get any day, anywhere. That is why separated and recently divorced are considered lepers in the dating world. Not just because of the lack of commitment. It's more about a lack of balance.