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Never-married men over 40


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So when I set age parameters for searches on the online dating site I'm on, I find myself balking at never-married men who are 40-ish and older. I am 37, also never married, so it is fitting that I would look for men who are around this age.

 

But I hesitate to put much interest in a never-married 40-ish man, because I fear there is some negative reason why they never married. My logic is that for a man who really prioritizes marriage and commitment and respects women, it should be easy for him to settle down with a mate, and before age 40. A man who is 42 or so and never married, I fear, either really isn't keen on commitment no matter what he SAYS he wants, or is a narcissist, or doesn't really like/respect women (or a combination of the three).

 

I know if I put it out there I could get younger guys than me. At work and out in the world, I am often assumed to be in my mid/late twenties, and I routinely get asked out by guys in their twenties/early thirties. I also act younger in that I am very exuberant, with a strong sense of wonder, and that combined with my looks gets me mistaken for about a decade younger.

 

I don't think the same could be said of a woman in her late thirties who is still unmarried. The ratio of women who want commitment and marriage to similarly-aged men who don't is very high. Men who want commitment and marriage can have their pick; women, not so much.

 

Am I wrong to think this about men around/over 40?

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Yes you are wrong. If you are close to that age and are judging men in the same position it is a bit hypocritical. Look at it from an individual basis instead of just looking at the gender. It isn't any easier for men trying to find real love than it is for women.

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I don't put importance of the fact he's been married or not. I put importance of his longest relationship.

 

If he's never been married but lived common law for 20 years that is more honorable than him being married 3 years.

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Then in your mind is there no difference (psychologically, etc.) between a man (or woman) who got married in his thirties versus one who is up into his forties and still unmarried?

 

I question that.

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I don't put importance of the fact he's been married or not. I put importance of his longest relationship.

 

If he's never been married but lived common law for 20 years that is more honorable than him being married 3 years.

 

But what about all the women who post on here hurting because their partner has been with them years and years, but won't marry them?

 

This question might get into the issue of whether being married necessarily means you are more committed than long-term couples who remain unmarried. I don't want to go there, here, but I did want to throw that question at you and see whether it changed your stance.

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But what about all the women who post on here hurting because their partner has been with them years and years, but won't marry them?

 

This question might get into the issue of whether being married necessarily means you are more committed than long-term couples who remain unmarried. I don't want to go there, here, but I did want to throw that question at you and see whether it changed your stance.

 

Just because you are married doesn't mean you are more committed. What about the men on here hurting because their wives left them? I would rather be with a never married women than one who did that to a man. I don't think it is right for a man to drag a woman along like that but not all never married men treat women like that.

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But what about all the women who post on here hurting because their partner has been with them years and years, but won't marry them?

 

This question might get into the issue of whether being married necessarily means you are more committed than long-term couples who remain unmarried. I don't want to go there, here, but I did want to throw that question at you and see whether it changed your stance.

 

I live in a culture (French) where it does not matter in the eyes of society if you are married or not. In fact 55% of children here are born from mom & dad not married together. None of my siblings are married but have been with their partner over 20 years, have children, have homes and the whole chabang. They have bullet proof Last Will and life insurance that protects them all. So again, to me a man that did 20 years of common law is capable of investing in something long term, the guy that was married for 3 has no clue what long term and commitment is. A piece of paper is not going to protect you against cheating and domestic violence.

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I live in a culture (French) where it does not matter in the eyes of society if you are married or not. In fact 55% of children here are born from mom & dad not married together. None of my siblings are married but have been with their partner over 20 years, have children, have homes and the whole chabang. They have bullet proof Last Will and life insurance that protects them all. So again, to me a man that did 20 years of common law is capable of investing in something long term, the guy that was married for 3 has no clue what long term and commitment is. A piece of paper is not going to protect you against cheating and domestic violence.

 

Got it. I see where you are coming from, and it makes perfect sense.

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Just because you are married doesn't mean you are more committed. What about the men on here hurting because their wives left them? I would rather be with a never married women than one who did that to a man. I don't think it is right for a man to drag a woman along like that but not all never married men treat women like that.

 

It seems like there's a cultural assumption that men who haven't married by a certain age haven't because they didn't WANT to, whereas women who haven't married by a certain age haven't because they couldn't find a man who wanted to marry them--because they were hopelessly attracted to bad boys, perhaps, or because they were too "intimidating" for the eligible bachelors around them. It seems that the cultural assumption is that for a man of age who wants to marry, he can find a woman who is happy to marry him.

 

You don't think there is at least some truth to these assumptions?

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You're only three very short years of becoming that which you judge. Better hurry up.... tick, tock goes the clock

 

You're exactly right. A friend of a friend is 42 and looks like she is 30; she's financially secure, gorgeous, fit, adventurous, worldly, educated, funny, and fun to be around. She very much wants marriage and children, and yet she has not been able to find a guy, despite living in a prime city for meeting eligible men, and working in a prime profession. And I look at her, of course with fear that I could end up in her shoes, and I wonder whether she just hasn't found the right person yet, or whether she has issues that are keeping her from having what she so deeply wants.

 

So I wonder it about women over 40, too.

 

But I admit I feel biased against men over 40, because there are SO MANY Peter Pans out there, and it seems they'd flourish on an online dating site, with all the no-strings options.

 

I'm wary, that's all. Also that GENERALLY men are not taught to be accommodating, like women in most cultures are. So a man over 40 could be so set in his ways that he just won't make good relationship material.

 

I know I"m throwing out tons of generalizations, but I'm throwing them out there HOPING they will get wrestled to the ground. I'm either onto something, or I have my head up my azz, and if it's the latter I'd rather know sooner than later.

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I'd say you have your head up your ass. Remember everyone has their own story. I'm in fact a 45 year old never married male. Sure I would have loved to have been married by now, but I spent the last ten years of my life taking care of my mom that was battling cancer. I had different priorities. I think imposing certain qualifiers on prospective partners does you more harm than good. I know this, I'm sure I can go out and find a wife, or two, but I'll never get another mom.

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Do you believe someone can take one fact about you and use that to paint a broad picture of who you are, what your values are and what kind of life you have lived? Of course not. So why do you think you can do it to men over 40 who have never married?

 

You have to get to know people in order to get to know people. There is no short cut. You can't look at the color of a man's shirt or what he ate for breakfast and claim you know who he is.

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I'd say you have your head up your ass. Remember everyone has their own story. I'm in fact a 45 year old never married male. Sure I would have loved to have been married by now, but I spent the last ten years of my life taking care of my mom that was battling cancer. I had different priorities. I think imposing certain qualifiers on prospective partners does you more harm than good. I know this, I'm sure I can go out and find a wife, or two, but I'll never get another mom.

 

Okay, in your case I can certainly see why you'd feel I have my head up my ass. You are a very clear exception and if I had a chance to hear your story, I'm sure I'm open-minded enough to set aside my wariness to get to know you better.

 

So what about now? Are you still wanting to get into a committed long-term partnership with someone?

 

And what about the guys who are 45 and never married and DON'T have circumstances comparable to yours? Surely in your social circle are guys (maybe women, too) who are your age and have just messed around?

 

I'm very sorry about your mom, by the way.

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Do you believe someone can take one fact about you and use that to paint a broad picture of who you are, what your values are and what kind of life you have lived? Of course not. So why do you think you can do it to men over 40 who have never married?

 

You have to get to know people in order to get to know people. There is no short cut. You can't look at the color of a man's shirt or what he ate for breakfast and claim you know who he is.

 

I know, and too often I've erred in the opposite direction, making endless excuses for someone in the name of getting to know THEIR unique circumstances rather than blanketly judging them. I dated a 49-year-old who only had one relationship last beyond one year, and that was for three years. I dated a man who lived in a garage apartment in his parents' backyard from ages 31 to 39, when he had plenty of means and opportunity to live elsewhere and claimed to be unhappy with the situation.

 

But there is that saying--if it walks/talks like a duck....

 

That's how it panned out for me, anyway.

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I'm in my late 40's and never married and no kids. I just came out of a 6 month relationship where I wanted the commitment and she wasn't ready. She was married for 20 years and straight into another relationship that ended a month before me. I was more than ready and she wasn't sure what she wanted and wanted to take her time and date for the first time in her life. She had a lot of baggage from the previous 2 relationships that came in to play trust wise and expectation wise. It is not going to keep me from being open to dating and getting into a relationship with someone who is divorced, despite this rough one. I have been in a few relationships and the longest 3 years. I made the choice to focus on my career in management (can't really meet people at work if you're their boss and working 70 hours a week) from 28-39 and then I opened my own business. I also had a parent that had a stroke and I was the one to take care of everything even up til today. I am looking for a long term relationship and not dating around. I want to find someone to share my life with and I have learned a number of things from this past relationship about myself and areas I can improve in. I want a woman in my life, but I don't need one to be happy.

 

Just keep in mind that there may be some realistic reasons why someone is not married later in life.

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i'm in your position as well, 38 and never married and when i look at guys in my age group many are over 40 and never married. it's not a problem at all. you can view other aspects of his life to see if he has his stuff together: his housing situation, job longevity, past relationships, etc. there are lots of ways to judge a guy besides just the age alone. there are many men (and women) who are shy/awkward, or career-focused, traveling, moving around, etc. there are just too many reasons why someone could be 40 and never married. it's not a bad thing. besides, it could mean he takes marriage/family very seriously and doesn't want to settle for just anyone either. a lot of the guys i have met in that circumstance have parents that were/are married forever and never divorced. i think - all around - it increases the odds of finding a healthy match, because what you see is what you get. a bachelor at 40+ will not change, so you'll know right away what you're working with and what traits he has that are 'set.' and many do want to be married... because most of their friends are too.

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I know, and too often I've erred in the opposite direction, making endless excuses for someone in the name of getting to know THEIR unique circumstances rather than blanketly judging them. I dated a 49-year-old who only had one relationship last beyond one year, and that was for three years. I dated a man who lived in a garage apartment in his parents' backyard from ages 31 to 39, when he had plenty of means and opportunity to live elsewhere and claimed to be unhappy with the situation.

 

But there is that saying--if it walks/talks like a duck....

 

That's how it panned out for me, anyway.

 

Well.. that's very similar to saying: "I met two Asian people and didn't immediately assume they were nerds. I got to know both of them and they turned out to be nerds. Therefore, moving forward I will just assume all Asians are nerds and stop getting know them on an individual basis."

 

Yep.. that is basically what you are saying.

 

If you could size people up based on a few facts about them, there would be no bad relationships EVER. Don't ya think? So clearly it doesn't work.

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You don't think there is at least some truth to these assumptions?

 

I think it's amazing that you managed to squeeze the words truth and assumptions into the same sentence...

 

A mind is like a parachute. It doesn't work if it is not open.

-Frank Zappa

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Well.. that's very similar to saying: "I met two Asian people and didn't immediately assume they were nerds. I got to know both of them and they turned out to be nerds. Therefore, moving forward I will just assume all Asians are nerds and stop getting know them on an individual basis."

 

Yep.. that is basically what you are saying.

 

If you could size people up based on a few facts about them, there would be no bad relationships EVER. Don't ya think? So clearly it doesn't work.

 

We-eellll, just to play devil's advocate...a lot of Asians ARE nerds. So you know where I'm coming from, I have a lot of Asian friends as I grew up pursuing an activity where non-Asians were the minority. A lot of my Asian girlfriends married white guys because they found Asian guys too nerdy.

 

I mean, stereotypes exist for a reason, right? Is it at least fair to question why someone in his early/late forties hasn't ever married? Also, sometimes there can be an external "reason" that seems perfectly valid, but on closer inspection, the REAL reason that becomes evident is that they're a narcissist, or misogynist, or commitment-phobe.

 

I've always looked for exceptional people. I'm drawn to people who are kind-of out-of-the-box in some way. But these people are very, very rare. Most of the time, we all fit pretty easily into stereotypes. As Americans, we HATE that, but it's the truth, no matter what rhetoric we've evolved to tell us otherwise. I'm so tired of believing someone to be the exception, only to find that they were exactly what they waddled and quacked to be.

 

So if I do give the over-40 crowd of men online a shot, how do I suss out the ones truly looking for a commitment, versus the ones who are hopelessly non-committal, despite having perfected the talk of commitment-intent?

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Wow, that's deep!

 

And as one of my coworkers quipped on the tail of this quote: "And just like a parachute, some folks hope they don't have to use it at all.":laugh:

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I've always looked for exceptional people. I'm drawn to people who are kind-of out-of-the-box in some way. But these people are very, very rare.

 

I don't think so, one just needs to look harder. As to your comment about " as Americans" that's so subjective god only knows what that means.

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GreenCove be careful with such sweeping generalizations that all single men over 40 are undateable. Granted, you did date some real 40-something duds from what you've shared here (the guy who lived in his parents garage comes to mind). But that doesn't mean that all single men over 40 are losers like the guys you dated. That's like saying that all apples are Red Delicious, and that's just not true. There are Pink Lady apples, Fuji, Honeycrisp, Granny Smith...to name a few different kinds.

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We-eellll, just to play devil's advocate...a lot of Asians ARE nerds. So you know where I'm coming from, I have a lot of Asian friends as I grew up pursuing an activity where non-Asians were the minority. A lot of my Asian girlfriends married white guys because they found Asian guys too nerdy.

 

I mean, stereotypes exist for a reason, right? Is it at least fair to question why someone in his early/late forties hasn't ever married? Also, sometimes there can be an external "reason" that seems perfectly valid, but on closer inspection, the REAL reason that becomes evident is that they're a narcissist, or misogynist, or commitment-phobe.

 

I've always looked for exceptional people. I'm drawn to people who are kind-of out-of-the-box in some way. But these people are very, very rare. Most of the time, we all fit pretty easily into stereotypes. As Americans, we HATE that, but it's the truth, no matter what rhetoric we've evolved to tell us otherwise. I'm so tired of believing someone to be the exception, only to find that they were exactly what they waddled and quacked to be.

 

So if I do give the over-40 crowd of men online a shot, how do I suss out the ones truly looking for a commitment, versus the ones who are hopelessly non-committal, despite having perfected the talk of commitment-intent?

 

Maybe it has less to do with people fitting into stereotypes and more to do with your perceptions of people being off. Maybe you project qualities onto people that you want them to have instead of just seeing them for what they are. Another possibility is maybe, (gasp) you were as much a part of the problem in the relationship as them.. and they might move on to commit to someone else.

 

In every failed relationship BOTH people were the problem. But most people are too wrapped up in their egos to acknowledge their role in a toxic relationship.

 

Stereotyping people doesn't make it easier to weed out the "bad ones". You are just as likely to date a man who was married before and has no interest in commitment as you are to date a never married man who has no interest in commitment. Some people have been driving for 30 years and they suck at it. Some people have been driving for 2 years and they are model drivers. Get my point?

 

I'm guilty of generalizing about women too.. based on my experiences I've noticed certain patterns as well. But you still have to take it on a case by case basis. I've never met two people who are exactly the same.

 

You just have to get to know people :)

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