I've pushed him away

[Apaige]

I have been separated for almost 3 years, divorced for 17 months. I've been dating one guy for 2 years today, and I am afraid that I have pushed him away due to my insecurities, and jealousy. I was cheated on by my ex husband. This has left me very bruised and battered I suppose. My new boyfriend and I met accidentally. I didn't want to meet anyone, and after a few months of asking me to meet him out I did!! He fell for me, i was still guarded...we dated for a year when he asked what my feelings of marriage were, and I told him I'd never be married again. He broke things off shortly after that. Once again, I was crushed, another man walked out on me. 1 month later we got back together, and now all these emotions of distrust, and jealousy are plaguing me. I've become obsessed with his where abouts, need to know his every move!! I always suspect he's cheating...he's never done anything for me to think this...he broke things off with me again, and I am heart broken, and crushed. More so then my ex!! I accepted the break up, then I became hurt and angry, and I expressed this...we didn't talk for 3 days until he visited me at work. I visited him last night, but now I haven't a clue as to what we are. I am so confused, I can't eat, can't sleep!!! It's awful!! I don't even know what to do...

Edited August 29, 2014 by Apaige
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[salparadise]

I just responded to your facebook thread. So the relationship is actually on the rocks, and you know what your role in that has been (at least partly). The jealous insecurities, fear of abandonment, etc. are things you need to resolve after a divorce or breakup so that you're not carrying all of that baggage from one relationship to the next. If I was dating someone who persisted in holding me accountable for how their ex made them feel, I'd be heading for the exit too. Did you go to therapy after the divorce? I think a good therapist should be your next phone call––seems like you have plenty of work to do.

[Apaige]

Thank you for your response. I am currently in counseling, and I am trying work things out. He knows this. I don't constantly scrutinize him, but I have in the past asked for his where abouts and so on. I haven't believed him, I have accused!! This isn't who I am truly am. I have never been an insecure person, NEVER!! But I am now! It's awful, it's exhausting, and even I don't like myself right now. But I have tried to talk about my feelings with him, about Facebook and so on, and he still utilizes it way too much! He is always liking some single girls profile picture, or an upbeat post!! It bothers me!! So, if he knows that it bothers me, why does he continue to do it?! I've admitted my faults, and flaws, I've been seeing a therapist, for my own self good, but the least he could do is stop the Facebook addiction!!

[thekid36]

Thank you for your response. I am currently in counseling, and I am trying work things out. He knows this. I don't constantly scrutinize him, but I have in the past asked for his where abouts and so on. I haven't believed him, I have accused!! This isn't who I am truly am. I have never been an insecure person, NEVER!! But I am now! It's awful, it's exhausting, and even I don't like myself right now. But I have tried to talk about my feelings with him, about Facebook and so on, and he still utilizes it way too much! He is always liking some single girls profile picture, or an upbeat post!! It bothers me!! So, if he knows that it bothers me, why does he continue to do it?! I've admitted my faults, and flaws, I've been seeing a therapist, for my own self good, but the least he could do is stop the Facebook addiction!!

 

 

The past is definitely something which cannot help but have an effect on us. This is something our partner needs to be aware of. Not fair to treat your new person based only on the old. Yet, there still should be some sense of sensitivity from your new interest.

 

 

I happen to think that certain things should be compromised when in a relationship with someone. Since it is no longer all about you. There needs to be mutual respect on both sides. He should stop his Facebook habit because it is something which bothers you. Should be sensitive to your issues with insecurity. Not going to change his personality at all. All it can do is perhaps strengthen your situation going forward.

[GoBlue]

You essentially went from a divorce right into a relationship with another man. I understand that it wasn't planned and all of that but you became involved none-the-less. Telling someone who wants to get married that "you never want to get married again" probably is not the best way to go if you actually want a relationship with this person. There are, however, some red flags. I think most women would have a problem with some of the Facebook activity you have described. Having said that, however, insecurity and jealousy are not firm foundations upon which to build any relationship.

 

The fact that you are going to therapy is a positive. The fact that you recognize that you have some issues is a positive. Hopefully your counselor will be able to help in the healing process. It's very important to be whole and healthy when trying to build a new romantic relationship. My thoughts and prayers are with you.